To have or Not to have second Child?.

APassionateOne · Feb 11, 2011

I was thinking about this issue for the past 2 years, but it is time to make some decisions.

I have a very smart/fun and cute 5 yr old and is asking for sibling time to time. Husband is going over finances and stress at the mention of another kid. I too am not that homely mom, who provides clean home, clean clothes, yummy, healthy and variety foods and does everything on the dot with a smile 24/7. I do all these things..But like an average mom, running late, hurrying up, pushing food into kid's mouth, yelling to get things done etc (we are not perfect..We are parents

I love to enjoy my life and my family. I've been working last 10 yrs full time, we love out doors and take advantage of the weather and our interests living in California. We took vacations, we eat out alot and we did everything we loved.

But this second baby issue has become a big deal now. Time is running out. I am 35. My kid is 5. Hubby is 38. My kid gets bored..in spite of many classes/activities, play dates etc. We have to drive around with our kid to play dates/libraries/museums/zoos etc to make a holiday go by. We enjoy it..but cannot bear it if our kid starts to feel lonely.

It is not as if we have any problem conceiving. But both of us...are not able to make up our mind. I am afraid of all the double work. My hubby is afraid of 2 college fees and all the double expenses. He wants to shower everything we have right now on our darling kid.

I have no doubt that we will be the best parents to the second one as we were for the first one and I have no doubt the our second would be as smart and lovable as the first one..But the question - is it necessary?

It is necessary to bring a life into this global warming/ recession brimming/over populated/polluted and stressful world?

But on the other hand..what if we are in a way messing up our cheerful first kid and turning into a lonely/frustrated soul without anybody with things in common. Our kid have lots of friends and close cousins who live far off. They meet for summer holidays.

Women (friends/colleagues/sisters) younger than me already had their second kid. Some are working hard. Few sent the second one to India (I cannot do it.). Some other women are not able to have any second ones even if they tried real hard with medical help!

Why am I thinking like this? Am I right or Am I absolutely wrong? How to I convince myself and my hubby ...to have another one?

What do I want? May be as a woman already experiencing being pregnant, I'd love being pregnant again. but should I have another kid, just for that 9 month experience??

May be I want to have one anyways..or maybe I will. Once we have the baby, I know we will be like a complete family and enjoy the life same way as we are doing right now (may be not for the first two years..).

Now, I am going crazy...You see...how never-ending this discussion is? May be I am waiting for time to pass, as I mull over this over and over again and then, one fine day when I am 37..I'll say.."now what baby, I am already old and our 7 yr kid doesn't want a baby now!!"

Parents say, "go ahead, we will come help". I know they will but not for too long. They have other kids too.
Friends say "No way...look at us. We are already stressed out with one..Don’t do it if you don't have to"
Colleagues say "Go ahead. Are we not doing it? It is so much fun to have more than one. Trick your husband and get preg!!??" (I'd never ever do that to my darling hubby..so no worries)

What a mess!! My brain goes numb. Any words?

Spiderman1 · Feb 11, 2011

STOP. I mean STOP asking around.

Surveying thousand families, two thousand IL-ites cannot give solutions to questions like "Should I get married or stay single?", "Should I have a kid or two or three"...

All these are very personal questions and people can list 1000 things for Pros and 1000 items for Cons. And then everyone has their own decision.

If deep within your heart, you both feel that its best to have another kid, then go for it. But you folks decide, some people will choose the pros, and others will say No because of the cons. But they dont live with the decision your family makes, YOU do, so trust yourself and be bold.

The more you survey, the more you will get confused.

For some - siblings are great, and happy family with a couple of kids is terrific.
For others - they want to worry about 20,000 things and they will hesitate to do it.
People are so different. So no one-size-fits-all unfortunately.

PS:
You dont need to be perfect - so dont worry abt that. What kids need are loving parents, not perfect robots

justanothergirl · Feb 11, 2011

Hi PassionateOne
I have more than one child and here is my :my2centsPlease do not have a child because ur first one is bored or is getting lonely or that ur friends are having their second.Its not like a play date which ends after a few hours. Its a life long commitment . Its a lot of work in the initial years and quite expensive esp in the bayarea. I am not going to lie about it. Since ur older one is already 5 it will be a good solid 3 to 5 years before ur older one will have any sort of company or play mate. There could also be a very high chance of sibling rivalry in the initial months.
Work increases exponentially... not linearly both @home and outside with more than one child . There was even a time after all the taxes and childcare it made no financial sense for me to even work. I gave up outdoors and travel for a good chunk of years .But after all that..would I change anything..not in a million years.
My decision was solely based on the wonderful bond I share with my brother and how complete we felt as a family.After all the things we had been together we are truly each others support system.
My boys may/may not share the same bond but I want to give them the chance .On the lighter side ... While that means that I cannot buy one xbox for each one it also means they have learnt the fine art of sharing and negotiating between themselves and its a skill that comes in quite handy.

Spiderman1 · Feb 11, 2011

justanothergirl said: ↑

But after all that..would I change anything..not in a million years.
Click to expand...

Thats just very well put.

Frankly - thats what it is - for any relationship - I suppose. One can list all the chores, one can list all the problems, but I'm glad at least parents did not think of us that way

Why kids? Even staying single vs being married is a similar comparison. Can you tell me that folks havent lost out certain things (like individualistic freedom) in getting married? But you lose some, you gain some. Is the end result in a human relationship a net gain? Thats what determines whether you are ultimately happy in that.

justanothergirl · Feb 11, 2011

Spiderman1 said: ↑

Thats just very well put.

Frankly - thats what it is - for any relationship - I suppose. One can list all the chores, one can list all the problems, but I'm glad at least parents did not think of us that way

Why kids? Even staying single vs being married is a similar comparison. Can you tell me that folks havent lost out certain things (like individualistic freedom) in getting married? But you lose some, you gain some. Is the end result in a human relationship a net gain? Thats what determines whether you are ultimately happy in that.
Click to expand...

Amen to that Spidey ! Human relationships are like that more so where it concerns kids. I have 3 wonderful boys and I feel truly blessed. I wouldn't have it any other way. That said its not for everyone.

APassionateOne · Feb 15, 2011

Thanks Spidey and JAG for your inputs.

JAG..I am amazed at how parents with three and four kids are making it! One of my friends has three boys and one of my colleagues has 4 kids..and believe me they say it is a lot of fun. I am glad you are enjoying it.

If I had three or five already..I wouldn't change anything in Million years too. But my kashmakash is that I am at the cross roads with options. That is what is killing me

Spidey, hmm..yes, I know others' opinions can make 'ZERO' difference in my life..but sometimes it is a curious fun to see what others think of your situation.

Well..we'll see. I'll be humming...

Time and Tide wait for none
Have another kid, it's a lotta fun!

Spiderman1 · Feb 15, 2011

APassionateOne said: ↑

Time and Tide wait for none
Have another kid, it's a lotta fun!
Click to expand...

haha! Good luck :thumbsup

I know - options and thinking and thinking - can ruin it with "weight" of options.

Your poem is spontaneous

maya69 · Feb 16, 2011

A companion for your 5yr old...How about a pet dog? Still a lot of work but can be trained to play with your child. With a younger sibling, there is no guarantee!

Jokes aside, I have one of each, only 3 yrs apart. They hardly ever play with each other and interests are different especially being different genders. Initially when kids were young it was hard, but after awhile having gone through things with first one, the second gets a little easier.

I also like that feeling that even when we parents are gone, my kids will always have each other. Hopefully they will stay close and support one another.

BTW....We have a pet cat, our baby! Both kids play with him!

drsudha · Feb 19, 2011

I heard this sentence somewhere and it got me moving. "A mother says to her children and this is the bond (between a brother and sister) that will keep you connected to us forever whether we live or die". Ok, it was in hindi, so maybe English doesn't make that much sense. But that day I was very moved and decided to have 2 kids. I am not very close to my brother, I was a bit close before he got married and now its all about him, his wife, his kid etc etc. Anyway, still I want to have 2 kids. I have friends who are extremely close to siblings and I love to see their bond. Also I want my kids to be sharing. I have seen people in my family who were single kids and have no concept of sharing or giving to the other person, of course not everyone is like that, but my family has that trend. I also don't want my dd to grow up lonely. she is only 2.5 and when she sees other kids with siblings, she asks me why she doesn't have a baby brother or sister? she loves to play with babies.

Having said that, its a personal choice. But all those people who worry too much about finances with another kid, of course there are finances, but college tuition and all is affordable, in US you can take loans etc. Weddings do not have to be elaborate for kids, let them handle their own weddings. In the end, a child will always cherish company over materialist things like expensive toys, gifts or big fat weddings.

Also I have seen that siblings are close when parents give them equal care and attention and not favor one over the other, otherwise kids are always fighting for parents attention and never get close. Of course there is no guarantee that they will be close, but you can hope for the best.

APassionateOne · Feb 20, 2011

Maya and Sudha, Thanks for your replies.

Maya, don't you think we thought about pets already!! Our daughter is asking for a dog since she was 3. With our schedules and frequent travels (almost 2 times a year over seas and many long weekends in and around US), we don't think we can handle a pet with the constant care, the walks and the pet sitting when we are out for weeks at a time.

I also heard some people giving a bit different opinion about this. They say that it is better to have a kid than a pet, as the pet never grows up and needs the same amount of care all the time. Where as a baby grows up in a few years (yes needs attention constantly too, but the type of attention varies) and can be taken with us in our travels etc without much restrictions.

But like you have, looks like another kid or not, we will end up with a pet (dog) in a few years. The numerous fish in our tank which we bought as a compensation for not having a dog are now boring for our 5 yr old!!

Sudha, I share a wonderful bond with my sisters and only I can tell how precious it is to have a sibling. For me, my sisters are my support in everything after my hubby. We are ultimately planning to move all of our sisters together. Right now we are spread in US and UK..

My husband reasons that if my sisters all move closer, then our kid will have cousins growing up close by, so no need for another sibling. But no one knows...when all of us can come together. It is not just a question of packing up and moving. Since it is different countries and since my sisters and husbands are medical professionals, already well settled in their countries - tedious exams/licensing/jobs and immigration is involved.While all this is not impossible, it is definitely difficult to do with their settled lives and kids at this stage.

And my concern is that my kid has to be a single child until all the cousins arrive. I have no doubt about my sisters', BILS', nieces' and nephews' closeness with my family, but when people live close by..things may not be as rosy as in movies. There may not be fights and misunderstandings, but there will be schedule problems etc etc. So I don't think even that will help that much.

Last few days have been rough on me, since I've heard about a young couple (a friend's cousin) in Europe who had a premature baby (6 months into preg) and came out with undeveloped brain, 5 days old now in an incubator and organs failing. Parents are researching about legal ways of terminating that life. It leaves a hole in my heart! Yesterday, my best friend's dad, an active 65 yr old industrialist, suddenly complained of forgetfulness, tiresome and now slipped into coma and was diagnosed with a rare medical condition that affects 1 in a million. He is dying in a hospital in Hyd (survival period between few weeks to couple of months and the condition has no cure even in US and we drove our friend's family to the airport this morning. All this is making me not to think about having another kid. I may be thinking and looking through the lens of sadness and negativity.

I am thinking too much again! I am fed up with all this mental math. It is decision time for us.Anyways...I'll let you all know what we decide Thanks all.........................................