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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Caughtinbetween, Apr 27, 2018.

  1. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    @Caughtinbetween Congratulations on ur baby girl! I will try to focus on ur immediate predicament.

    Having a nanny is a great option for such a young baby and one I have personally used but it works well only if parents /PIL are not at home or are very used to having a caretaker have full reign of the house. I have seen some of my friends struggle because the elderly visiting parents did not know how to handle and the nanny invariably quits. A nanny cannot be treated like a maid (a maid here also cannot be treated as a maid back home) but thats something some refuse to learn. My nanny was treated like family member(she still is ) and it was a huge learning curve for my parents and PIL. Given ur description of ur PIL I am almost certain they will make her life and urs miserable .

    If its for a couple of months leave the baby with PIL or choose a day care. Day care comes with its usual perils (infections etc etc) but its a long term solution.
     
  2. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    CIB,

    I am not sure what I was going to share will make you feel better or worse. My son has not been accepted either by my mother or by my brother's family throughout his life. They have not fed him, invited him for holidays and not even lifted him off the ground to shower their love to him. He felt love only from my wife, myself and my inlaw's family. Today, they inquire about him with everyone of our relatives as we don't share anything about him with any of them. He is now 29 years old and well educated. I share all my happiness with my real life friends and ILites. Never look for acceptance from your in-laws. Your princess never needs anyone's recognition. If they don't volunteer to spend time with her, they are the losers. They thing they can trigger you by ignoring your daughter. Never show your emotions as it would make them feel stronger. That is exactly what I said to my wife when my son was a child.
     
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2018
  3. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    Dear @Viswamitra Uncle ,

    Thanks for your reply . I can little bit understand the pain you must have felt due to this happening with your son now since i see it first hand. When their actions and words makes my baby sound like a outsider in her home itself i got hurt. there is certainly a vast difference between how they feel for their daughters daughter and my daughter which probably triggers me due to constant comparison. But after seeing your sons progress in life , i am assured that someone else's acceptance would not make any difference .
    Regarding looking after the child also i am happy they amply made it clear to their son that they wont do it . I could always feel it since throughout the stay they never volunteered to know more about the baby or look after her for even one or two hours even when i was right there to help if needed. to the contrary they would look for opportunities to find mistakes in my child care and wait for him to come home to complain. they dont even like it if he has to do something for the baby. if he does baby duties , if now he has to get up early and drop the baby at the day care ...all these things irritate them to no end but they cant express it directly in front of the son so tell me at his back . But yes besides a few times i am mostly trying to stay unprovoked and now that i would go back to work i would be out of sight during weekdays and busy with my work during weekends. thank you uncle very much for your support . i really appreciate it .
     
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  4. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks @justanothergirl for the wishes and your response .
    Finally after some back and forth discussion between h and I , H asked his parents if they would take care of the baby and they said no . so we are ultimately sending the baby to daycare . as you rightly pointed it out , even if i find a good indian nanny it would be a huge learning because they are very orthodox regarding the maids or nannies like having them sit separate, giving them separate utensils for food and drinks , not touching them etc are few of the things they follow ...they would not leave a chance to make my life miserable , i cant even think of maids situation .
     
    Laks09 likes this.
  5. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all ,

    Hope you all are doing good . Happy upcoming long weekend .
    Thanks to all for all the suggestions you have made so far which helped me immensely.
    Am here to ask you all for another advice .
    I am an introvert , trouble socializing , unless i am very comfortable with someone . Does not talk much.
    Now , in such a situation how do you connect with your new born ? I mean sometimes I am unable to do baby talk a lot to make her smile and happy . After some time , i will not have much to talk to as in engaging the baby. Sometimes when she smiles at others easily when they talk to her and does not respond to me i feel bad. or if she cries when she is with me and smiles when she is with ils , my ils comment sarcastically that baby cries when she is with you , she smiles with us and stuff like that i feel a little jealous . I feel maybe my introvert nature is coming in the way. i feel i am unable to keep her engaged continuously. please give me some suggestions , thank you .

    she is in day care mon-fri 8-6.30 ...unless h wfh and keeps her home . i leave for work at 730am and reach at 830pm
     
  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I paused reading and went running to calendar, thinking is my mind playing tricks, is it still September..what long weekend... OK Columbus Day.

    CIB, sweetheart, happy to see you for once with a very first world problem. : ) Baby is barely 3 months old. Your misgivings are understandable but try not to go by the reactions of a baby so young. No matter what, you will always be the mother. The mother-child bond is way too deep and too strong. In a few weeks, you might post here that baby refused to leave daycare provider's arms as she was being handed to you. These things will pinch a bit, mind will brood a bit, especially on Sunday afternoons with Monday looming, but, life calls and we do the next task, and life goes on.

    In-laws ka comments, just ignore. Your time at home is too precious to waste on such nonsense. It's not even worth trying to come up with some smart responses.

    Looks like she has settled OK in the daycare. You are getting a solid day of sanity away from in-laws. You never have to remind DH about it, but it will remain an unsaid fact that in-laws came but did not take care of her when you worked.

    Mother-child bond is indescribable. I remember indulging in something that now seems almost like child abuse. At 7 or 8 months, holding my child, and seeing if she goes to dad when he reaches for her. And the opposite. Now before I draw any horror-stricken "how could you's", I should say that child used to giggle loudly and thought it was a fun game. Babies and children instinctively know whom to turn to when. When very happy or very miserable, mommy is the one they want. When my baby was about 4-5 months old, a colleague with an older child said, 'never worry whom the baby seems to prefer. in the middle of the night, it will call for you only." Indeed, children know whom to trust and when. On the way to an important recital, my DH took an alternate route due to construction. Child turned to me and asked, 'is it ok to go this way?' The expression on dad's face and his speechlessness were a picture we still recall fondly. I am not a driving or GPS pro. Fast forward to now, younger kid checks with older kid about school related stuff, as we parents did not go to school here. : ) I should run for a school board position and shock them one day. : )

    Nice to hear from you, CIB. Keep posting when you can. And if I may suggest, once in-laws have gone back, look into going back to counseling.
     
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2018
  7. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you Very much @Rihana for your support all the way ...I appreciate it beyond words would describe. It helps not only to calm mind down , but also brings a smile with your easy and casual approach to it .

    Latest happenings :

    Regarding my first world problem :) Baby is getting better at identifying and responding to me . I also got few cloth books that i read to her every night , and sing some rhymes from youtube with her , got some starry night lights and put some animal safari art work around her nursery which she likes ....not something in particular but maybe overall its helping a bit.
    I have highly limited interactions with them so now she mostly conveys her complaints to her son or whatever she wants to tell.

    Back to third world problems :)

    Inlaws are going back to india in about a week. Few days back however there were some arguments between him and I and I sent him an email telling how hurt i felt in the last few months since delivery and only after i attend counseling would i think about other issues. now that i am not home practically most of the times except for weekends , i speak limited to everyone.

    After they leave , coincidentally my work schedule will also change . I will work four days , longer hours and get three days off . So baby would be at day care for three days a week. that would ease my day care spending a little bit too. So h will drop the baby and i will pick her up.

    @Rihana I was trying to find one of your old replies somewhere, where i remember you mentioned about how to carry yourself in the days immediately after they leave. Should have saved it then.

    So after they leave , my priority(ies) :

    1: Resume counseling . Can I ask you all , particularly those in NJ who know of any good counselor nearby edison . The one I went to last time , i didnt feel connected to her, want to try someone else.

    2: have to Give road test again .

    3: try to setup a routine for the baby

    4: Must appear for an exam which i postponed till now . It will let me apply for better jobs. I also need to prepare a back up plan due to visa uncertainty.

    5: ALso working on reducing weight . Currently commute to work and walking around the work place for five days a week lets me hit almost 13-14k steps each of the five days with very few exceptions . However i am unable to walk for the two days on weekends. And in the last five weeks I lost 8 lbs by this but no dieting as such.

    I will be detailing these things by creating new threads in appropriate forums . Looking forward to valuable responses from all of you regarding above mentioned multiple topics.
    Much thanks to all of you. Its really a valuable support system for people like me who dont have a lot of real life friends to share problems with. Thank you.
     
  8. Ash73

    Ash73 New IL'ite

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    Constant arguments, nasty fights and all are taking a heavy toll on the kids. I told my wife we could divorce if she agrees. She keeps abusing me in the vilest language but never agrees for divorce, for the sake of peace of mind of the kids and us. She is so frustrated and hysterical, it almost drives me to the verge of suicide sometimes..
     

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