To Get Better Control Of My Emotions ...

Hi all

hope summer is treating you all well ...

long post as always

I am again here to get some suggestions , feedbacks , self improvement tips or as per the title to control my emotions better than before . I wanted to first seek counseling from you all before going to a professional .

So I will welcome my baby in next few months . I always knew this issue would arise but my inability to handle people and my emotions should not effect my desire for a child . So after a long and bitter ttc journey and treatments I finally conceived . And as expected my ILs on the name of helping are ready to hop on the plane. Those of you who had gone through my previous posts would now the past issues . Their arrival for helping during baby's arrival would lead to many more issues for sure . So the half year period is surely going to be tumultuous with them being around.

Now H being a typical mommy's boy , i dont rely on him to make things any better for me . He did ask me about when i prefer them coming and tried to tell him in the most neutral manner (or so i think) that its best they come after baby and I recover somewhat and get used to each other . But then I realized he was just asking for the sake of it and ILs wish prevails. And I also understand that in our indian ILs context H cant say no to their arrival as and when they want. So not fair maybe but I suck it up.

Now the most important point :

This devil in my mind has to be tackled now or later , sooner the better.
Because anything related to anyone else including H ,ils or my family is not in my control .
So far what I practiced in last two years is periodically talking to them over phone for just few mins , hi bye hello how are you types , besides that never used to talk about them in normal conversations , if H used to ponder on their topic i would just listen say hmmm oh wow good etc interestingly and quickly move to another topic . All talks in front of H only. never used to discuss them beyond this . Not that it helped to clear off the past from my mind but at least i think i did not say anything wrong that would come back to me later as regret. While the insults and taunts , brain feeding over the phone all regular stuff continued. Nothing different than what my fellow ladies here face . So far I have not improved on the front of honestly ignoring their comments opinions about me and going on about my work . This time I really want to make some progress on it . Might not be an idle situation right now but i feel worth giving it a try.

I will continue working for as long as I could. And then be on maternity leave for 12 weeks at least.
I am also presently studying for certifications and courses to improve my job prospects which will take up this year. i want to positively engage my time and energy on my baby and career and become a strong mom. I do not want their thoughts and anxiety to cloud my mind. I know having ils around delivery and post partum could be a very tense experience and history teaches me no better . But how long can i keep thinking about them. I am afraid my baby should not see a timid mom. I try meditation but could not be consistent , reading books , baby items crocheting ,listening to music etc but after some time lose interest or get inconsistent. Sometimes cleaning up house mess to relax my mind.
One thing that makes me feel better is that my working did help me pay 50% or more of all the ttc related expenses so far and I will also take up half or more of the delivery expenses . Which was a pleasant surprise for H which he did not realize till he put it all down on paper. not that this is any achievement of sorts but somewhat makes me feel a bit better. And this topic would be revisited during ils stay so at least i get to say that I contributed my part.

I hope I am able to recover soon enough from my surgery and be able to do my and baby's work.
Getting outside help is not an option during their presence.
and besides doing the necessary work i am able to maintain a positive frame of mind amid all the noise and dissolve myself of the surroundings.

Thank you all . writing everything makes me feel lighter already. Thank you for your time and suggestions .

 

Hi Rihana ,

You know how happy I felt when email alerted about your response. That I went to the cafeteria and treated myself with that chocolate I wanted to have since couple of months now .
I would have loved to read your response in the placenta thread, in fact silently wished that you respond. So I am happy . really thank you for your fb , it means a lot.



CIB, I was actually going to write about dealing with some of your turbulent past and preparing for post delivery time in your split placenta thread itself. But, thought maybe you are already prepping well (and nominating very relevant for you, useful posts by soka for FP) : ), so desisted.


Now that you ask... where do I start? Responses to threads like 'are you living life to the fullest?' form in the mind and remain unposted. But nvm. : )

In random order:

Don't postpone going to a professional. Simply go and talk. At the least, it will help you feel lighter for a few days and that will help you process your thoughts, feelings. The last 6 weeks before EDD you may want to avoid things like counselor appointment, so pick up the phone and make the appointment now.

Yes , I will be going to a professional as soon as i get the next appointment ... i was first confused about whether to go to an indian or an american but finally decided on latter. its long needed . I will update you once i am back from my first session. i only have a month to do this before approaching the final month , i should have done this before itself.

After that, make a list of your achievements in the past 1-2 years and against what natural and man-made odds you did those. Really. Supporting dad, TTC under such physical and mental challenge, dealing with money issues, the appreciation at work, your determination to progress in career a little step at a time, dealing with TTC stress so well, and doing all the research, and by God, at the top of the list put down that you paid half or more of TTC costs. Put them down on paper, in code if needed, and stick that in a few places, like fridge, cubicle, mirror near sink, car.

Stop blaming yourself for anything including inability to handle people etc.

In the above few lines you summarized the past two years so well. everything plays in front of my eyes all the time .

You cannot deal with the future without processing the past. If I may suggest, I would say focus on this first in couseling meetings rather than dealing with in-laws after delivery. What do you want to do about the hell you faced before/during/after last India trip. Whom do you want to hold the most responsible? Whom do you want to forgive (need not be a logical choice, you can just choose). Talk about all this with counselor. Don't worry too much about giving him/her the Indian context. Just talk. But keep in mind that talking can also cause distress. So, strike a balance. Baby's wellbeing and your peace of mind are most important.


Once you have some hold on the past, and some form of resolution, then, move to thinking about the future.

You are right in suggesting to make peace with the past first . Infact brooding about the past in my mind all the time is mentally draining my energy which I could easily focus on my career. Getting some closure over the past happenings is what driving me to go for counseling. I completely hold my H responsible for everything that happened . No doubt there were major mistakes in meeting marriage expectations from both ends but one gets to suffer and other gets to conveniently forget is what irks me . H's attitude of not saying a single word no matter what ils do is detrimental . He could have done a lot but chose to be silent.

Future - you will be the mother of a baby gotten after so many struggles. That is a big big big personal achievement. It might remain the biggest one of your life. Always remember that. Remind yourself of just what you conquered. How many times you negotiated with God. How you promised God and yourself you won't ever complain about x,y,z if only you can get pregnant.

So, look at that list of achievements often and remember you are tough inside.

This baby could very well be the only reason to look forward to something positive in life . At present , what I conceive god to be is debatable as I was never a very religious person to start with but yes a thousand promises made to god to be fulfilled on baby's name.

In-laws: how much of a pain they can be is in your mind to an extent. Their biggest grievance is now moot. You paid half the cost of TTC. Your husband is not going through half the 9 months and labor, delivery. You are the human being bringing a grand-child into their family which will carry their last name. Stand tall in your mind even when sitting in front of them or in the throes of labor.



Most basic step to keep in mind -- less talk avoids many tensions. Less talk is different from silent treatment. Read soka's post that you nominated for FP and couple that he posted today. At any time if you can't think of how to react or how to deal with emotions, try to think what would soka suggest, and if you draw a blank, simply visualize the he puts at the end of most posts.


Yes , my nature is to talk less and keeping in my mind my previous mistakes , i would be all the more careful while talking . infact when i was typing my post i noticed soka's post at the same moment . stopped my typing and read his post in ignoring comments thread and then jolted the monkey inside if I should still go ahead with my post. I do have some other fb's from him in some threads from the past on my mind where he mentions about living well being the best reply you can give to anyone. keeping all those things at the hindsight , i try not to talk anything abruptly or instantly with H .its mostly limited to general talk about the regular household stuff or so . And your fb in some other thread where you mentioned that sorry/affection/regret if and when it comes from him should be voluntary and not asked for or hinted at. Thats the primary reason that i dont expect him to ever come to me with a closure but I want to get a closure for myself over the past for my peace of mind. thus the counseling.



Umm.. not to goad you into reacting strongly just because.. but such a big thing should not be a "pleasant surprise." It should be an eye-opener that all the past taunts and the struggle you went through to buy a plane ticket should be viewed against this contribution of yours. You have to decide based on your personality and finer nuances of the relationship between you and husband, but some reminder of the past and a comparison with the present is called for, IMO. Your pregnancy and you both becoming parents does not wipe out the past. don't brood endlessly on it but don't simply sweep it under the carpet either.

If i may say so , i have never spoken about the past in these two years (except once when I had an emotional outburst not so long after my return from india) but besides that never so far. past cant be wiped out any time sooner but i would hold my own in this marriage the day I am able to make enough to survive on my own. And thats closer than before . Then I would give a reminder.

In fact honestly i never calculated how much i was spending on ttc even though the money was limited . i always only wished that i just have enough to pay for this cycle , to buy that medicine and that i should not have to call H to come and pay for this or that. i only earned to pay those bills . it was all for the baby so every penny was worth it . H was recently going through all the expenses on ttc and was surprised at the amount i spent and the number of trips i have taken to the dr.s office while working my full long hours on any day without taking a single day off in the last two years. On that day he realized it though he did not say anything.
other than this , i think there is nothing special to this me paying 50% ....if i could I would have always paid half for it anyways , even without all the past .





CIB, you do not "at least" get to say you contributed your part. You get to say that even with so less work experience, and starting off with humbler job, you managed to do what you did. All the research you did, keeping in mind that money was not endless, while working ..... you have to learn how to say this calmly and without seeming to brag. You should now and then mention all your achievements, including those at work.

yes when it comes to baby related stuff he says that we will do what you suggest and all ...but then i take it with a pinch of salt . i haven't yet mentioned any work related achievements to him at all though , will look for an opportune moment.

Drama in the house will be there. Relationship forum is full of how to deal with it. Pick a few and follow. Also, no matter how annoying they are, having another pair of hands can be helpful in the initial 1-2 months.

thats true ...never ending

In addition to talking less, set the tone for their stay from the day they arrive. Right when the car comes home from the airport. Right from the week before they come when details get discussed more on phone. Talk less, react less, practice a few enigmatic smiles. Practice how to state what you want, with minimal accompanying reason, and how to repeat it again with minimal accompanying reason. And then how to shrug it off if what you want doesn't happen.

To tell you this , the plans were never discussed in front of me . It happens while at work between the ils and h . Dates decided by ils , revealed to me by h. so i am not involved in any planning . i will definitely try to setup few house rules around myself and baby , very small steps but still forward. I already informed my dr. very recently about only letting H inside the delivery room and would remind him and nurses again on the day.


Think ahead about delivery room -- who all will be there. Don't discuss with husband since he is a mama's boy. Tell your doctor in advance that you want only husband in delivery room. He/she can make a note in the records. And you can tell the nurses on the big day.


Baby is a big change. Use it to start doing things that you earlier considered not an option. Just do it. Reduce the things you seek approval for.

I hope to gather enough strength to achieve the above and make baby's arrival a positive bringer of some change in my life.

CIB, your story, struggles and achievements strike a personal chord with me. I've written the above as it came to mind. Take what helps and leave the rest.

You inspire me.

Most of all, 6 months can seem like an eternity, but with baby around, it flies. Promise. If you ever want to, send me a PM.[/QUOTE]

You saying this means a lot to me . thank you very much.

i am short of words to even respond to above. i am actually in tears typing my reply and it took me two hours to type it in between controlling my emotional mind and tearful eyes at work in a secluded spot to not get caught crying.
Seriously i have looked at you for inspiration all the time in the last few years i have come to know about this website. Irrespective of which forum which thread you post your feedback in , there is always a thing or two i take back from it . With hand on heart , I wish i had a friend like you in real life to guide , life would have been little less of a mess . i hope my baby is lucky enough to find someone like you to sail through the waters . On my personal notepad , i have written down a lot of points from your posts on various threads to look back at like the one from feminism post , other about crossing the parenting stop light , to teach them to play fair as adults , to remind oneself to step back as needed , how you consciously tried to casually encourage your kids interest in things they showed any curiosity about. And many more but i never happen to remember the threads where it was posted , but the gist stays in mind . Then ira's post in some temple related thread about encouraging creative reading / scientific questioning and when praising someones work , detailing a few aspects instead of generalizing it. . Viswamitra's many beautiful threads on parenting and a lot more .

Now this has been longest on record for me i think. Thank you very much. It was wonderful .

 

Thank you Mangaii for your response . I am no inspiration at all , just trying to sail through .Thanks for your encouraging words and your wishes.