My parents are visiting from India. Every month on Amavasya, my father offers tarpanam for his parents. My FIL this morning told me that my father has no right to do it in our house because he (FIL) is still alive. But my question (did not ask him of course) is that why was it ok for FIL to do these same tarpanams in our house last year when he was here? Is there some rule that tarpanam cannot be done in a daughter's house?
DKI- It's your house so you (and your husband) are the one to decide, not your FIL. If I may ask, why did you mention this to your in-laws? There is no difference between son's house or daughter's house, it is their children's house and the rules should be same for either set of parents. That is what I believe in anyways.
According to me (my family), your FIL is wrong. As long as your father is doing his tarpanam for HIS parents, he can do it in his house in India, your house in US, or the banks of river Kaveri. It DOES NOT matter! So what if FIL is alive? As you pointed out, he himself has done it here. After so many years of marriage, your FIL just wants to assert he is the BOY's father.
@DKI - The root cause is the information exchange. Stop sharing what your parents do or what you do for that matter with your PILs. They need to know only what they need to know. This will give you a lot of peace of mind!
Thank you ladies. Just as my dh and I thought. And information was not passed by me or dh. My father just mentioned it while talking to FIL yesterday. Dh told me to tell my dad not to say anything more about it but do as he has been doing in the past.
@DKI... I think that your FIL has a point here.. technically speaking(or vedically speaking) your FIL is head of your family.. so in your house (whose titular head is your FIL) your dad can't perform tarpanam to his parents...
DKI, As per shastra and sampradaya, your FIL is the head of house for his son's residence. This is not legal head, but sampradaya head of the house (whether he lives in it or not). Therefore, he has a correct point in saying that tarpanam by your dad is not right. Some people dont follow aacharyam, some people do follow that. Please tell your dad and DH that FIL has a valid point, whether or not they want to respect sampradaya or not, thats a different thing they need to decide.
Doing tarpanam is for departed ancestors ie pithru. What has it got to do with the FIL being alive or not?
The situation - parents visiting house of married son or daughter - is fairly recent phenomenon. A question on whether the woman's father can perform certain ritual while visiting her house, will have no definitive answer or sufficient precedents. There will only be opinions. OP, your FIL does have a point. Whether what he is saying should be honored, explicitly ignored, or quietly ignored - is up to all of you. In matters of religion, if believing, go all the way? Why take a chance? God forbid, if something untoward happens to the living, then? What if blame is assigned to your father doing the Tarpanam in your house? I am easily one of the more "feminist" posters in Reln forum as our dear friend Rags will attest. But, this situation is not about equality. It is about the more stricter preference getting followed in a shared household. Taking an example: if two people (female) are visiting my house, one believes that during periods women should not enter God room, another doesn't believe in this. I will hope the believing preference gets priority, and non-believer female doesn't quietly "cheat." In religious beliefs and rituals, there are ones of the personal kind - that don't impact others. There are some that impact others. What about change, some may ask. Your father doing it in house where son-in-law lives, with son-in-law actively supporting it, is change - changing with the times. Your father doing it in the house, while son-in-law's father is also there, and not in favor of it, is hastening change. Hastened change is rarely good.