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To Divorce Or Not To..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sruthiroopini, Jan 28, 2017.

  1. Sim79

    Sim79 New IL'ite

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    Right, but, she should've tried getting him into that, made him attempt that, when there seems no progress, she shouldve walked out and then found the Man2
     
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  2. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    OP is young - agreed.
    She thought she was being sensible when she got married. She probably would not have dreamt that 8 years later she would find love and romance in another man and leaver her lover marriage for man2. She would have vowed that she'd never leave her H. But today the story is so different.

    Just like that - she is not realising that she may have to walk away from man2 in future for a reason unknown now.
    That may happen some years later or may be right next year - she'd still be young.

    How long will she experiment?

    Her H loves her. His support so far is the proof. Man2 - No guarantee that his will remain the same. Just like how he found her sexy, he may find another woman sexy - if not now, a few years later. Or with age how sexual interest may go down. He may hate OP's grey hair and fine lines. Her H won't. He wanted to grow old with her, to enjoy their son together and to have a life long companion in her. He loved her. Not lusted her.

    By the time she realises that marriage is beyond physical touch, it would be too late. We are only trying to save the Marriage and help OP understand that what she's looking for is not what it takes to have a life time companionship.

    This problem can be fixed. But OP needs to have patience. She is growing impatient because she is just so happy with the alternative that she finds it easier not to wait.
    OP has not yet shared with us what had she done to fix the issue, apart from she getting dressed kinky.
     
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  3. coffeecups

    coffeecups Gold IL'ite

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    Court? Court man2 u mean??o_O
     
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  4. Rajeni

    Rajeni Moderator Platinum IL'ite

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    @Nonya Does reading a lot did this to you? Those analogies, sarcastic replies.. Also,being non-judgmental, your posts grab the attention more than the issue discussed.

    May be OP's first mistake started when she married Man1 8 years earlier. She does not have both physical or emotional bonding with him. May be she fell in love with the idea of being in love.
    May be second mistake is to have brought a child into the marriage.
    But that said, we cannot say that OP's husband is a wonderful person.
    • When his wife told him about her needs, he should have done something, 8 years is too long a time to quote stress as a reason. May be they were intimate once in a while, but when she has to ask or initiate it every time, it would be more an ordeal than pleasure.
    • If he has asked her, "whats so special about you? why you think you are special?" and told her its she who was behind him (even if that's true) and thats why he married her, even before he knew about affair, he is putting a communication barrier there. Asking for attention and romance is itself a hit to the ego and if you get such replies, when you voice out your need, it would definitely be insulting. May be he is feeling inferior and he is trying to paint her not-so-special and careful not to show her any extra attention?
    • Then, Why OP had mentioned he an awesome husband? He does household chores? May be he is disciplined (like not smoking, drinking and not eyeing another women) and he want to be a husband who fulfills all his duties, helps and provides for his wife, etc. But, that's not enough proof that he loves her (maybe, maybe not.)
    • The fact that, he still lives with her does not mean he loves her. May be he doesnt want to break the marriage for the child's sake (which is appreciable) or he maybe reluctant because he is worried his libido issues will be public, if his wife leaves him (it a big hit on man's ego)

    By all this, I am not saying what OP did is justified, I am just trying to see both the sides. OP has cheated her husband. Period. But, it has happened and I do not think she deserves a life-sentence for her this sin. Like @Nonya quoted once, all those who keep everything private walkout unscathed (dont ask about conscience - theirs are heavily sedated)

    So dear OP (if you still read this thread) here are my two cents,

    • Accept that what you have done is a mistake, whatever your reasons are, you cant justify your EMA. By accepting, you will have the courage to overcome it and fix your life.
    • File for a divorce and move out with your son. Coz, your relationship with your H is already spoiled. Chances are very rare that it will work out again (I dont think you are interested in it either). You have to face the worst, but remember you have started this and you have to go thru the hell to come out of it, be strong.
    • Take a break, before you trust Man2. People have given you enough perceptions on why not to trust Man2. Listen to them!
    • Take a break and live peacefully with your son for a year, maybe. Your priorities might change by then and you would be more mature when you take the next decision. Let me give a philosophical perception here - When we lack something, life tends to flash a super package of what we lack in front of our eyes, tempting us, testing us, but in most cases the flashy thing turns out to be trap rather than a shelter. All his attention, romances, declaring in social media sounds more as a trap. Who would declare this, when you are still another man's wife. Many Men are well-equipped to use a women's weak moment in their favour. DO NOT FALL PREY.
    You have made a mistake, but, that doesnt mean you should go ahead and destruct your life, take time and think. All the best!
     
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  5. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    I would like to have the OP salvage a happy life. I do not think I was alone in stretching this thread to have everyone offer opinions. After all, such threads have immense instructional value for lots of others who aren't as forthcoming as the OP has done. I had even recommended this for those few members in E&PG subforum.

    Analogies are mnemonics. Helps one remember weird stuff in this over crowded info-knocking us in every corner sort of world. And besides, those who had struggled with Analogies ( Miller analogies test questions are part of SAT, ACT, and even GRE, MCAT and LSAT exams) in both learning and teaching young 'uns, and reached for Analgesics often enough, tend to think of them now and then.

    A kind thing to say. I would pray that OP win the lottery, and have crores and crores of money, and can do whatever she wants. And then decide to live on her own, without having to compromise to any man, no matter whether his subscript is 1,2,3, ...N.
     
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  6. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    By first I didn't mean the first day but before meeting man2 and also after having discussed her husband issues with him or a doctor to correct that.

    OP's problems wouldn't have been a big serious problem if she didn't meet man2 at all. He is a cunning man and OP has fallen in his trap. Man2 is a mystery here and by the time OP realises his negatives, it would be too late. Had man2 helped or supported op from an abusive alcoholic husband then that's a different story. Here he is just removing her from a very comfortable zone to satisfy his own needs.

    By the way OP has not given much details here about man2. Like his age, his family, his exes,etc. She is just seeing only what she wants to see.
     
  7. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    May be, you are right. I too don't think Man2 has right intentions. My point is Man1 is an equal contributor to the problem. If the equation between OP and Man1 was good then there would have been no space for Man2 in OPs life. Man1 sort of has made OPs life barren and she wants to live her life. Her other posts indicate she has issues with man1 even before she met man2. It was a broken relationship to begin with and an2 found some space in this broken relationship
     
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  8. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    Isn't there anyone who'd speak for Man-2 ? The religious man, with a bent for service ? We have heard that Man-2 has only good opinions for Man-1. From OP's own descritpions, we know that Man-1 is SriRam, and Man-2 is not exactly SriRavan, because OP may have taken commercial flight (this information is sorely needed)to get to Man-2 on her own volition. Not taken by Man-2 like SriRavan had done in the story. I like Man-2. He makes OP happy!
    If one were to consider all the happiness of twosomes in this family, OP+Man1, OP+Mom, OP+Dad, OP+Bro, OP+Man2, the only twosome that is happy is the last one. If misery and sadness are the things we need to increase, well... then, OP has to give up on Man2, and stay put. No wonder the chaos in the Universe keeps increasing.

    A Review question: Is a fraction of a good* husband, better than exclusive rights to a bad* one ? [*good and *bad as defined by each individual, according to their needs and wants]
     
  9. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    There are another twosomes here.
    Child+Man1, Child+OP, Child+parents
    what about the happiness in those twosomes. Who is speaking about that.
    Because the child is still little, the child cannot speak for himself, OP cannot take advantage of the situation to distance the child from his dad OR distance herself from the child.

    I am surprised at the sexual urge OP has - which is making her so stone hearted that she is ready to lose everything and everyone just to sleep with another man.
    Is this not a dangerous situation - for her and for her child? And also to Man2?
    Who knows after a while he may not perform upto her standards, then whats she planning to do?
    Is that how things work?
    There are ways to control desires. OP needs help. OP does not need Man2.

    There is always give and take in a marriage.
    If every wife and every husband chose to move out because their individual happiness is the priority - there will be very less "married" couples around.
    There are ways to work with each other and make sure they are happy.
    Problem comes when there is no limit in expectations.

    There are ways to fix the problems. Giving up on each other or divorce should not be the solution.
    Once an individual is married the importance of I becomes less and the importance of WE becomes more.
    That's the essence of marriage. That makes home a happier place for children

    Had OP's H been a physical abuser or had he never supported her, helped her or been infertile - I would have suggested OP to walk out of an abusive marriage. OP's H has been all supportive. He has some physical inability and he said he is stressed.
    Stress can be caused because of so many things.
    Just because Man1 finishes work and comes home at 7 and plays with kid and they have less fights , we cannot rule out stress in his life.
    Op needs to step up and act mature and try and understand what her husband is stressed about.
    Why do you think so many women (in IL itself) are bearing the pain of physical abuse and mental torture - because there is an innocent child in the picture. Its easy to get divorce , but the child will be torn between the two divorced parents.

    OP has made a decision - she fell for Man 2. She cannot stop thinking of him.
    I dont know if she is a seductress but it is clear that she is an adulteress.
    Sorry for being rude, but it is what it is.
    Divorce is the easiest solution. Especially when workaround to the problem is so close - man2 - so no need of making any further attempts to fix this.
    Child ?? who cares when the mom herself has no feelings for the child - she said

    As I have mentioned earlier, the problem can be fixed, but needs the intention to fix it.
    OP has clearly has no intention to fix this issue. Because that requires patience and she has a ready made answer for her - man2.
    There is no guarantee that later she wont feel that spark in man2.
    She now says she wont go to man3 - but there is no guarantee.
    Physical desires have that capacity to make a person do anything. The individual should be strong enough to handle that. She needs to take help instead of seeking friends with benefits.
     
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  10. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    Good point about the other twosomes. A woman can only be a seductress. Legally adultery is perpetrated by a man, with subscript >1.
     

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