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To Divorce Or Not To..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sruthiroopini, Jan 28, 2017.

  1. samsWait

    samsWait Silver IL'ite

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    Directed towards OP. If I was so nice and still my wife goes out with man2 and is not willing to work on this marriage then the best solution is to divorce. Yes I would have lost valuable years, child and probably I wouldn't trust another woman for a long time for the betrayal I was subjected to. But it is better for me in the long run for my own peace. It would have been different if my wife was willing to work with me
     
  2. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    Here is a thought on Extra Marital Affairs (EMA's).
    "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" is a philosophical thought experiment that raises questions regarding observation and knowledge of reality. If a tree falls in a forest - Wikipedia

    This philosophical thought is applied as a lesson in an African folk song lines, recommending that one keep EMA very private...
    I don't make love by the garden gate,
    For love is blind, but the neighbors ain't.

     
  3. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hey OP,

    You made this bed, now you lie in it.

    As far as I can see, you have two options and both are not so good. You need to prepare yourself mentally and be very strong. When I mean strong, it is that superman kind of inner strength!

    1) You stay in your current marriage after giving in to your family pressure.

    Your family gets what it wants. Prestige intact, H's respect intact, Child's welfare not compromised. However, the downside of it is you will hear a LOT from them on it for a very very long time. You see, they advised you and you have chosen followed their advise. They are not going to let you forget your mistake so easily. You will be the target for every small thing which goes wrong. Who knows how long this will go on for, may be 10 or 20 years!

    Your H, who might have made an effort to try to satisfy you earlier 'MIGHT' not show much willingness now or in future.

    Prepare yourself for it!

    2) You fight your way and come out and file for a divorce!

    Its another long and lengthy battle. It might easily take two years to get the divorce. However, each day might be hard as you can imagine it to be. Fighting for each and everything in front of court where you do not even have the support of your parents or siblings is going to be very hard.

    your Man2 might or might not be there by then. But you will at least have the independence of doing what you want without being judged for it.

    I am sorry if my post comes as rude but this is how I see things in future. I am telling this out of experience which I do not wish to share.

    Either way, you have a tough ride OP. I honestly don't know what to advise you but I will just tell you one thing.

    No matter whatever your decision is - be it staying in the marriage or leaving it - stick to it once you have made it. And put in your heart and soul into it. Don't waver from it once you have made your decision.

    Hope you find peace and happiness soon! Wishing you luck OP!!
     
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  4. Sim79

    Sim79 New IL'ite

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    I am an old member, been here for a few years, but forgot my password and do not use the email I have the old account tagged to. But, I so wanted to respond to this thread.

    Am married for abt 15 years now, had ups and downs in life, 2 beautiful kids, spouse is a great father, good husband only that intimacy is ok, not great. On intimacy, both of us are at two different sides of the spectrum. But, we have so much of emotional bonding that I may never think of leaving this man for even the most compatible companion who can re-create steamy scenes right out of movies for me in bed. But that's me; and I respect the fact that each of us is unique and different.


    But, I am tempted to ask you a question, OP. In fact this is a situation that a very close friend has been going on. N and her lover got married around 17 years back, and as young couples, their body language actually showed how much they were fond of each other. Two years into marriage, a son was born to them. When he was 3, the husband met with an accident, and is immobile beneath his waist. He lives on wheelchair, yet, the couple have accepted that fact so well. She wheels him to the car and he drives a custom-designed car, go on long road-trips, but he is so dependent on her that has to wait for her to be able to take him to the restroom.

    Let's forget that N is a mother, that she has a son.

    Is my friend not missing the lust she was used to? Of course she did, but, she could never ever think of finding someone to satisfy her bodily needs. She has once openly admitted to me that she "misses" sex, the romance in bed etc, but, she just cannot think of leaving him for anything because she is so much in love with her spouse as a person. And many men including some of our colleagues have approached her at times with an intention to "help" her with whatever she has been missing for years now.
    What would you have done if fate had brought this down upon you?
     
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  5. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    Whether EMA is kept private or advertised in public, nothing changes the truth that the spouse is a cheat. Nothing alters the fact that it is infidelity.
    The ones who makes love secretly might be happy and considering themselves smart and clever for not being seen or observed by the neighbors but there is something called conscience and no one can escape that.
    A woman must stand up for herself and should make herself a priority.
    But there's a limit to everything.
    Had OP spoke to her parents, her H about her issues and then applied for divorce and then found Man 2, things would have been on a different note.
    I know some very close friends whose libido shot up after certain age. Their Hs were not on as high as these girls.
    But they did not walk out or find Man2, rather invested that time and energy into something more productive.
    A woman must make herself the priority. A mom should make the child a priority.
    There is a difference. OP is not just a woman - she is a mom too.
    There is a reason why the role of mother is so significant in a child's life.
    Imagine the boy after 5 years when he is 9-10 yrs old, gets to know that his mom left his dad and moved on with a different man for sex and romance. Does it not have any influence on the adolescent boy?
    What is the guarantee that Man2 wont taunt OP after the initial rosy days, that she came to him for sex and romance ? Can she take that?
    Does Man2 trust her - a woman who left a very understanding man and the parents for sex and romance - after a few years what if he loses interest in her and finds another sex deprived woman ?
    I agree that it is very hard to handle if the physical needs are not met at all. But OP should try to understand that physical needs are not everything and that there is a lot that goes in to making a couple happy.
    In future when she walks out with Man2, and when life throws so many challenges and with age the sexy figure becomes a wrinkled body - honest love matters, not the cuddles nor the romantic glances - just pure and honest heart that wishes nothing but good to happen for OP.

    Man2 is not capable to any of this.

    OP's H honestly wanted OP to be happy - He loves OP genuinely - he supported her wherever he can - career, parents etc. He has his set of failures too - I agree.

    Man2 - he lusts OP. He can only give her physical pleasure. He does not love OP genuinely. Had he loved her genuinely, he would want her to be "happily married" and not "selfishly divorced". Man2's failures are yet to be discovered. Once they are discovered, the ugly truth or the beautiful surprise, OP will have no choice.
    In all this confusion, the child is victimized, for no fault of his.
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2017
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  6. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    I think this is a bit like comparing apples to oranges. Op's husband is not disabled, if he was , i am sure walking out on the marriage would be an inhuman thing to do. He is an able bodied person who has neglected her needs . The difference is , there is nothing a disabled person can do to change their situation . Here , thats not the case with ops husband, there were many ways for him to change, he just dint care to.
     
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  7. momsky

    momsky Gold IL'ite

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    You can praise her if you like.


    It's a pattern I've seen before. So far, she's done it twice.


    And you don't have the right to tell me on what I can and cannot say in a public forum.

    As for the op, she is far from confused, she was fully awake when she got herself into this problem. Why would I talk nice to someone that had turned their child's life upside down due to selfishness? or to someone that got married to their advantage and can cheat on the spouse just like that without any remorse or guilt? Her husband is someone else's son and they raised him well, I feel sorry for them.
     
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  8. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    Why are they not informed of the turmoil of this family ? It may be in OP's interest to inform them. They may come around, and take their son away from the situation. And for the OP that (i.e., man-1 getting rescued by parents) might be a win-win situation.
    Man-1's in-laws (PIL, BIL) are already well informed, his parents should also come in and have their say. They may not have liked the OP love-marrying their son, and snatching him away from the bosom of their family. At least now they can reclaim him, and get him a proper wife.
     
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  9. Sim79

    Sim79 New IL'ite

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    Yes, you're right; they cannot bring about a change to the situation I spoke of. But, looking at the enthusiasm the OP has been showing in choosing her path I doubt if the "love" marriage and 8 years of togetherness has brought in even traces of emotional bonding in her.
    While I agree that having good intimacy is inevitable for a good marriage, is it the "utmost"? And, if we ask around to our close peers, how many enjoy "good" intimacy? Yet, there are very few who walk out quoting this when everything else is good.
    Again I totally agree that her spouse should have done everything possible to rectify the issue, I feel she should have invested time and effort in that, rather than shattering his confidence. Libido is different for each of us.
    OP is right in saying that "you cannot teach someone how to touch ...", but, if this was an issue in her marital life all along, she should have spoken to him about a marital counselor. They do hold counseling sessions on helping you understand your partner's expectations too. However, that should have happened when she realized that intimacy was of prime importance to her, before he "abused" her for cheating.
     
  10. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    If the OP is 62, and has had a boring life, making sambhar, rasam, everyday, for her husband and 3 children who went through Kendriya Vid', then to engg. college, and on to IT jobs somewhere, and never had any intimacy after the 3rd child., and decided that that's what it is all about, I can understand that. But a young one at 32, and other young couples ought to have been looking at smut on the internet. See how those who do it well, keep their arms and legs and take their god-given appendages to the limits. Using google for what it is meant for -- teaching things that people don't want to talk about. Learning what the Canadian Grandmother Sue Johanson has to teach on her website. Sue had relieved the minds of so many young things, she'd have a special place in heaven, when she eventually stops those earthly things she claims that she still does, and goes off.
    In the information age, there is no excuse for people to give up and call it a night or pay counselors to teach them what-is-what.
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2017
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