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To Divorce Or Not To..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sruthiroopini, Jan 28, 2017.

  1. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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  2. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @sruthiroopini - You are in a very bad spot. There are a few things that you need to sort out.


    With your spouse, he wouldn't agree to an open marriage because he isn't getting anything out of it. It takes two to tango and he doesn't want to.
    Sex toys aren't his decision, it's your body. Did you seek his permission to do everything in life? I don't think so. Go buy them. You deserve it. Is it available and legal to buy in India now?


    You have two options, stay or leave.

    If you stay, are you willing to put yourself through what you are currently undergoing. His sexual dysfunction isn't your fault. It isn't you. It's him. His issues seem deep rooted and if it hasn't improved in these many years, it won't get better. You can do lingerie, candle light, racy pics and if he has a problem it won't help. Are you willing to stay like this? No you won't get to have an open marriage. He won't agree to it. You are 32. You have many years of a good sex life remaining.
    I also think this fling of yours is going to come up again and again.

    If you leave, you have a long drawn contentious court battle ahead of you. A lot of things can come up against you. You don't seem to have a support system in place. Are you up to it?

    Things are really muddled, Sruthi. Neither option is easy or better. What you want is what you should be doing. You need more help than what random strangers on the internet can provide. You have to talk to a very good and a very empathetic lawyer. Your son's custody will be an uphill battle. You do need all the help you can get.

    You also need some support system, regardless of what you do. Either a friend or someone else other than the other man and your parents. A neutral unemotional person who can see your situation clearly and advice. I'm not sure of counsellors in India but if you find someone really good you should talk to them.

    No matter what you decide, your parents need to step out. I'm sorry, your son is seeing all this. Do not let anyone treat you the way your parents did and get away with it. I wouldn't allow mine to belittle and ridicule me outside my house for hours together, no matter what my personal issues in my marriage. Do they live with you? i suggest you have them leave for their place.
    Don't engage them. Don't justify your stance or try to do any such thing. It's something they won't agree to and there seems to be no negotiations on that front. Just don't talk to them about your marital issues. They don't have a solution for you.
     
  3. sruthiroopini

    sruthiroopini Bronze IL'ite

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    Madam.. Thank you so much for putting things in perspective. I am not belittling others here, but I think you understand my situation correctly. My parents are continuously ranting at me for thinking of divorce. At every moment they find me alone, all I get it lot of gyan and abuse. I am a prostitute in their eyes. They are forcing me to promise every day that I will stay with my husband whatever might be the case. They just want me to forget Man2 and live happily with my husband. The reasons they quote.
    1. prestige in society 2. my son's life 3. husband's life.
    So, my question is - where do I figure in these priorities? My husband does not drink, smoke, look at other girls - so he is Lord SriRam.
    Even Man2 and counsellor said the same thing - that I gave a lot of room to my parents in my married life. I wanted someone to support me and looked to my parents and brother - but no one understands me.
     
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  4. generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    So what have you decided to do OP, after reading all replies in this thread?
     
  5. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Just as you are seeing, people only think of themselves. Your parents are only thinking about themselves. They are getting to live a comfortable life with you but they are not too sure whether Man2 would give them the same luxuries and they dont want to risk their comfortable life, even if it is at the cost of your unhappiness.

    Though many people have blamed you for the situation you have created, I would want to step back. Man1 is also at equal fault. He should be sensitive to your needs, and if he is incapable of meeting your needs, he should atleast give you the option of divorce. He does not seem to be even willing to work with you. Divorce is created for just that. A person should be able to walk out of the marriage at their own free will. Tying down a person to a marriage against their own will is equivalent to slavery (which was long abolished)

    Mind you, I am not in favor of Man 2 either. Man 2 is all nice to you because he only has to gain, he is not losing anything out of this situation. The ugly side appears only when he has to lose something.
     
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  6. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Divorce should have happened long back, when the problems in her husband were first identified. Not after meeting man2. That's cheating
     
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  7. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    OP should have the option of divorce regardless of when Man2 enters. Law also works that way. Her parents forcing her to stay in the marriage against her will is not fair.

    We say divorce should be the last option after all options are exhausted yet you want OP to divorce when the first problems creep up with her husband. Pretty contradictory!!
     
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  8. AngelNew

    AngelNew Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear OP I would request you to gives us in nutshell what solution you have thought about after going this ordeal for over 1.5 months and I am saying so because it will help us to provide a advice depending on your answer as I see you want a peaceful divorce and not a ugly one with child custody.
    So to reach this you must leave the house of your husband and your parents unless and until you do that you will not be able to get your desired result that I am sure of it as divorce are not easy when a estranged spouse lives in the same house as they are hurled with the same attitude as your husband is doing. Sorry but I have to say you are making your dear kid life a hell with all this drama in house as he is seeing a woman been abused in front of the whole society and he might have a lifelong trauma of trusting a lady in his life. I know most ladies will not agree with my point but you need divorce him asap . You must leave as in this relationship as trust has been lost when you did adultery and it will be hard for you maintain such a life when your mind will be man2 and you would not like to became a lifelong slave for your husband if you compromise as he will taunt you whenever their is a fight between you both in future about your character. I know it may be hard first step and it must be taken by you only as you want to get out from it and your husband will not change so you need to stay strong and seek support from your future husband as parents will not understand what your are going through which I say with full certainty as they do not understand all this because they have fear of society and all that and in my opinion society will always say something or other so It is your life and you are the best judge what to do in your life.
    Sorry for too much long post but you need to get up from being dominated by other I hope you get out from this mental stress soon
     
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  9. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    Nice economic utilities, and stakeholder analysis.

    Members have also noticed that it is easy to suggest that "A person should be able to walk out of the marriage at their own free will. Tying down a person to a marriage against their own will is equivalent to slavery (which was long abolished)", but everyone knows that "free will" does not exist. The person is tied down to a marriage because of economic dependence (would she stick around if she could just buy an airline ticket to another city, rent a flat, find a job and have a glorious second coming ?), and perhaps some other needs. Lack of bargaining power or ability can keep someone stuck to an unsavory situation. People go to work each day and spend 12 hours at the distasteful thing. When people want to quit that and get a better thing, they never tell their current manager about all their efforts with the head hunter.

    We had already lamented the way OP went about looking for that new job.

    The OP's situation is not slavery, but lack of options.
     
  10. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    I am genuinely puzzled at this. I understood early on (at the beginning of this thread) that you are an employed woman, with sufficient cashflow to take care of yourself, should you find yourself in such a situation.
    Now it seems like you are canvassing for support from your family ?
    Could you explain why you couldn't take your boy, and move out to live on your own ? If your job does not get you the amount of money you need to be independent, you are in the same raft as so many others -- stuck in a situation with no bargaining power. Your livelihood comes from others, and they feel free to abuse you.

    [A man who doesn't smoke, drink or look at other women ? eeeewww....:( ]
     

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