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Tired by stubbern in-laws and SIL ...pls suggest what to do ??

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SriUS, Apr 25, 2010.

  1. SriUS

    SriUS New IL'ite

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    Hello Friends I am here again seeking all fellow IL friends suggestions on situation I am facing woth my in-laws and mainly SIL.

    I have been married for 8 yrs and have 2 daughters.My Dh has 2 elder sisters. SIL1 behaves like she is responsible for everthing at my IL's place. Ofcousre, everybody especially my IL's blindly follows SIL& her husbands words. In our marriage due to middle man and misunderstandings there were some issues between my parents and IL's. Throughout the marriage process my SIL1's husband standed as an incharge person on my DH's side. So, the misunderstandings also took place betn my parents and my SIL1's husband. so this made the gap between my parents and IL's very deep.I was hoping till date that someday all those gaps will be gone and everybody can come together but day by day its becoming worse and it came to a point that my IL's are not talking to my parents and they also told that my parents can't come to my IL's place. Main reason behind this is my SIL1.bcoz of the misunderstandings betn her husband and my parents. In my recent trip, I had to bare this all. When my fahter came to drop me at my IL's place he got down the street before my IL's place. I felt very sorry for them .My DH says that if my IL's won't talk or visit my parents house then let it be..may be this way there won't be any new problems.

    please take alook at my older post here http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/83836-please-advise-what-to-do.html

    the following r the main issues i faced during my trip to india.

    1.After coming from our recent India trip I talked to my IL's till March and I didn't talked with them twice when my husband called..bcoz onetime I was not feling well nd 2nd time I thought that if they won't treat me properly what's the use of tlaking to them everytime...so I stopped.I mean I wanted to talk only often ..not everytime. (I don't know why but DH also not tlaking to my father as he used to..so I thought to do the samething with his parents). am I doing any wrong in here?. how should i behave with my IL's as they r not talking to my parents?

    2. My SIL's didn't accepted the sarees as a gift for Rakshabandhan.b'coz everytime we used to send money nd this time I thought of giving them sarees in our trip..but they created hype out of it and made it a big scene as it is the biggest crime .please see the prev. thread http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/83836-please-advise-what-to-do.html

    I was forced by my DH to vist my SIL1's inlaws ..but i didnt wanted to.nd my IL's came to know abut that.SIL1 was not talking to me ..she just replies when i talk.So I started to main a low contact with her.but tlaked with her on her annivarsary,and someother time.


    3. I went for 3 motnhs vacation to India nd DH joined me after 2 motnhs. During my stay in India, my IL's never asked me to come to home and they also didn't invited me for dasara nd divali festivals. Eventough they didn't invited me I went like 3 times nd stayed for somedays. WHen I asked them they say that "IT's ur house u have to come by ur own, why anybody has to invite u?".But in my cousins and all I saw there Il's inviting them to spend festivals at there place.is what my in-laws told is true?

    4. coming to my current pblm, few days back my Dh spoke to her sister(mySIL1) on the phone nd he asked my daughter to speak nd left to restroom. My daughter talked for a while nd she asked can I give phone to mom..then my SIL1 asked for DH and my daughter told her dad is in restroom and she told that I am giving to my mother. nd i thought of okay i will talk to her ..nd i took the phone nd said hello..but she hang up on me. I am very shocked by her behavior...nd I got very angry ..nd i am thinking not to talk to her never..pls advise me to how to handle her? she is very arrogant nd stubbern.

    pls advise on my issues..i am struggling a lot with all these mental tensions.
     
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  2. shrutidunwoody

    shrutidunwoody Bronze IL'ite

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    I would just suggest you to ignore.If your sil does not want to talk to you,then why do you want to talk. You are married for 8 years and have 2 daughters still you are treated as an outsider so you also dont give any importance to her. You have a family so just be happy with them. So dont think of people who have no respect for others.
     
  3. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    SriUS,

    1. When it comes to phone calls, let it be as random as possible, don't have a set protocol that you 'have to' talk to MIL everytime your DH calls or your DH has to talk to your father everytime. Since you seem to have this rule that you have to talk to MIL everytime DH calls, to shake off that rule, start by making calls to MIL yourself asking about recipes or something and talk about weather, health, etc. Then when your DH calls, if you don't have much to talk, then tell him beforehand that you already had a talk with her yesterday and will talk to MIL some other time. Similarly your DH can talk to your father when he has something to talk.

    2. About the gifts, the mistake you did here was creating a pattern. You have been giving money as rakshabandhan gifts and that became a pattern and they expect money everytime. From now on, keep changing gifts - money, handmade gifts, gift cards, sarees, flowers/cake (you can order online), etc... Never create a pattern, that way they can't be upset when you change gifts and they can't compare saying you gave less money than last year.

    3. Don't compare your cousin's traditions with your ILs. It can vary. I don't see any problem here. Your ILs said you can visit anytime as its your house. Thats good, isn't it?

    4. When something is bad for your kids, you tell them to stay away from it. Follow the same rule. Your SIL is not good for your mental health. So stay away when you can. If she doesn't wanna talk, good for you. You don't have to be pals with her. Just maintain a cordial relationship. When she talks to you, then talk to her. If she is not interested, then say ok i m not interested either. Why are you letting her get on your nerves??

    As long as your DH is not forcing you to be extra nice to people who treat you bad, then it is not a problem. Other people can affect you only if you let them to. If you choose to avoid these mental tensions, you can... its all in your head.

    Hope this helps! Good luck!
     
  4. SriUS

    SriUS New IL'ite

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    Thanks @shrutidunwoody....I am also thinking to just avoid her not talk to my SIL. But I don't know how I have to behave with her when we go to India.

    Thanks @SITA..for ur suggestions...but I don't think its right thing for my inlaws to say that whenever u want u cna come but we won't call u to come. They called my SIL1 for dasara nd diwali..but they didn't called me. There attitude towards me nd my children will be.."If u want to come u can come if u come we won't say to go". I fell like not welcomed...like an outsider. Even my parents neighbors were asking me why ur ILs are not taking u to there home.I saw some IL's even come to parents house to invite there DIL to festivals. I think they r making this rule to justify there thing:bonk. I never saw anybody like that..did u saw or here anybody like that? even if DIL had no good relationship with there IL's ..DIL's were invited for functions nd festivals.

    Anyways, thanks u guys for ur time nd suggestions.

    P.S....If SIL1 didn't talked to me also..my husband called next day to her nd talked about 15 mins..I think he won't give a damm if his parents nd sisters show any bad behaviour towards me.:spin
     
  5. shrutidunwoody

    shrutidunwoody Bronze IL'ite

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    See regarding your inlaws inviting you, you can talk to your dh about it .See if you are comfortable with them without they inviting you , then you can go by yourself but if you uncomfortable to go there then tell your dh that whenever they will call you , you will go . It all depends on the individual and how comfortable you are.

    And when you go to india and visit sil , just say a formal hi hello, how are you. If she talks to you well and good if not as i said ignore. You just do your basic duty.
     
  6. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    SriUS,

    By SIL1, I am thinking you are talking about your DH's sister. If so, then ... you are comparing your ILs behavior towards their daughter and DIL.
    Sweety, its pretty clear that your ILs do not treat you as their daughter. So don't expect the same treatment they give your SIL.

    To answer your question, No, I personally have never seen ILs inviting DILs. Well, it varies with each family I guess.
    However, if you show them your displeasure at not being invited, next time they may purposefully not invite you.. just to bug you. High expectations lead to disappointments.

    If your DH pesters you to talk to SIL even if she insults you, then you have a problem. If not, then its not a big problem. Your SIL does not like talking to you, so she avoids you. Makes sense. If she bothers you, you do the same.

    You shouldn't give a damn either. JMO.
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2010
  7. kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

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    Sri,


    Regarding ILs inviting for festivals, my ILs did not invite me for some functions when I was in the same city with my parents like SIL's daughter's Aksharabhyasam, BIL's daughter's bday etc. I was not even aware that SIL's daughter's function was going to be held. Both occasions I was alone in India with my parents while my husband was abroad. I am sure their behaviour would have been different had my husband been there. I never took their behaviour seriously because I am already familiar with it and have no expectations from them.

    Dont expect formal invites from ILs. They wont invite you and on the other hand badmouth you that you do not care for ILs house and prefer to stay with your parents only. Actually they take this as an opportunity to prove that YOU do not care about them. Not the other way round.

    I dont remember your earlier posts, but is your SIL1 the only sibling of your DH who is in India? Then mostly she would be the one who is taking care of your ILs in need. They must be emotionally dependent on her. And typically people invite daughters and SNILs formally for festivals mostly because the SNIL might not come otherwise.
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2010
  8. tinku

    tinku Silver IL'ite

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    Dear SriUS
    Every house is different. I have never seen any in-laws inviting their DILs to functions, but some might be doing it. In some cases they may even invite to show that the DIL shud be present in their house during functions like Diwali etc.

    Even I had a problem with my MIL. During Diwali, it is quite common for newly weds to be in the girl's house rather than at the guy's. But my MIL wudnt allow us to stay the whole day long at my house. I felt irritated.

    But ur case is that they are maintaining ego that they wont call u. Its ok. Since they are elders, u can give in. U can go and visit them even if they dont call. I take certain things in mind that way only and now I am at peace. I have done this in a lot of things and observed good changes in my MIL.

    And for ur SIL, u neednt talk to her if she is not talking to u. You have already tried to talk to her many times, but I think she has too much ego and is angry or something on u. So just answer her if she talks by her own. Else dont mind talking to her.

    I had a problem with my co-sister this way. She wudnt talk to me well when she came to India. But all the 24 hrs she wud be talking to my MIL. An irritating character and I think she deserves the same from me. So I too didnt talk much either to her this time.

    People are really funny sometimes, and without proper reasons they hold too much ego in everything. If they are like that, we too can show what we are.

    It is ur duty to only look at the MIL and FIL, not everyone there who behaves indifferently. Tolerating ILs itself is difficult sometimes. And u cant tolerate everyone everytime. Just leave it to themselves. They might change one day.
     

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