tips to handle husband -- pls reply soon

J111 · Jan 5, 2010

I am aged 41 my husband is 46 and having a dauther studying in higher secondary and working women.

I have come a long way in my married life ( now it is almost 18 + yrs now). But unfortunately not able to handle or digest the i am facing in my married life now.

husband is not very affectionate , loving or carring nature . he always interested either about his bank balance , money or to some extent his family members like MIL or SIL . he will not deliver any sweet words to me or to my parents , infact he will talk always make commence about others behavier, appearance, body language etc , which is not good to hear .

he will say althese commence thinking that we all will laugh ( who ever is around him ) but this what was happening in in law s palce . They never try to educate him to talk nice, soft or the way it has to be presented in a public gathering.

he will not be interested in spending money also ( he will make a big fuse to spend a single penny ) .

but then these years ( 18 yrs of my married life) , I try to take things easy ( I don't wand to be broken) .. give some execuses like

1. I will spend for all house hold expenses.
2. Try not to hear any bad and ubused words ( which will come atleat 5 times a day)
3. when ever try to make to spend a penndy .. it will end up in big fight .. so stoped asking money from him .. for the past so many years ..
( may be because of his complex .. my salary is higher than his) .

But I use to make him to understand that being working in a private company my job is unsecured , more stress etc..

4. when we got married he does not know how to eat in a plate with fork and spoon, how to carry how to talk over the phone .. etc.

5. we never had many romantic or intercourse offenly .. because he use to say that romance will be done only in movies not in actual ( in his thoughts he is in 1960 s but I use to be in 2020 ... that is the basic difference between us)

but I have educated/ supported him in over comming all these issues. ( as much I can .. to push our married life)

but now my problem is ...

he is having an illegal contact / affair with some one else .. which is making my life to the worst situation...

I came to know about this before 8 months ...

one day his purse felt down from sofa ( he was not at home ) .. I was able see a girls photo in it .... I was shocked ...

then checked his mobile and saw a message ... which has been addressed to some body and the message content was conveying his love to an another person. ( I think she has two names .. because alise has been used in that message).

I removed the photo from his purse and next day morning he notice about the missing of photo and he asked me ..

when I asked him about the explanations .. he said he got that for attestation ..

Then I have started noting his contact ph nos and I have found out that girls residence and the phone no .. I went and checked also .. photo and the lady residing in that apartment is same ..

This apartment is few buildings ( walkable distance) from his office.

Her husband passed away before 2 years and she has a son studing in 2 standard in the local school.

now I need all of your help in these perspectives.

1. how should I react with my husband ( asked him several time .. he is not ready to tell me what happend).

2. because of my say face .. daughter was able to understand and putting lot of questions . I am a straight forward person, so told her the headlines ( right or wrong -- I don't know). because of this she is also disturbed..

As all Indian ladies my only hope in life is my daughter .

she is loosing her respect towards her dad .

3. should I have to check / talk to a family counsiler ..
My husband is in 60's .. so he will say only mentally retarded only have to go there

I don't have any hopes to making to come for that..

can you give me a list of reliable family counsellers? -- chennai

4. he is always nagging me for money ... so, should I have to think of a divoce ?

5. Should I have approach private security people to know about their current behaviours /
( If the answer is yes .. pls give me a list of reliable of those ) -- chennai.

As usual ( like most of the men ) he is saying .. he is not encouraging that kind of relations any more ..

how can I believe him ( because he has lost is 16 yers of hopes ).

pls.. pls advice me.

drmchsraj · Jan 5, 2010

hmm, before consulting anyone, try if you can follow your husband there, to confirm once more. see if you can be there in the neighborhood and bump into him 'accidentally' a cpl. times. when asked, tell him you are meeting a friend etc?
second, see if you know anyone who knows her. befriend someone in her apt so you can be close to the 'enemy'.
all this to discourage him and put some fear in him. my point would be that, he'd be at least a bit scared and change his plans. this might take a while and it could be a good opening argument/proof for you when you confront him, 'gently'.

Priya16 · Jan 5, 2010

J111,

Obvously these men don't know how to make there own family happy and they want someone to boost there ego.

If you really sure about there relationship then I would strongly advise for divorce if you can handle.Because same thing happened in my own aunt case.

My uncle started external relation when his kids are 23 years old.Same thing ,he is uncapable of earning and my aunt used to earn,finally he has comaplinats like she didnt server food all the bla bla.Again these relation will not stay long.Becuase typically women will look for financial support since the other women has a son and these men don't like to spend.So they will broke somewhere.So even your husband back you will not have any more peace in your home.you and your daugther can't respect him anymore and can't lead every day unahppy days.

Better to be divorced and lead your life your way.Only problem comes for your daugther marrraige.I am not sure how the things are now in india though.Even my aunt had to approach uncle (I don't call him uncle anymore) for her daugther marraige.

Or just don't have to go for divorce and seperate and lead your life but these men shamelessly can enter your life again without any problem.

They will not have any shame.So take your time and think about it.You don't have to rush immedialty.

Amma15 · Jan 6, 2010

Dear J111,

Divorce is a harsh word. Think carefully before you make that decision. Even if financially you can support yourself and your daughter, the divorce will disturb her so much that it will destroy her confidence/her studies etc.Tell your husband you know about his affair and you are staying with him only because of your daughter. DO NOT give him any money. He is using you. I am not a marrige councillor but I have seen among my friends/colleagues ,couples have been advised to live separately for sometime. Some have got back together some have divorced and gone their separate ways.

Affly,
Amma15

lavii · Jan 6, 2010

please dont take decisions in hurry
are you sure they have illegal affair?
just by looking at his phone book or having photo in pocket doesnt mean they are together
i feel more or less without knowing what happened you unneccesarily told your daughter about this..teenagers have a mode of being extermists sometimes so rather than telling her you could have found what happened in first place

bhuvnidhi · Jan 6, 2010

I agree with Priya on this.These men are plain INCAPABLE of making their life happy by putting some effort but they will have big EGO.

He just needs somebody to boost his ego.Check on him and find out first whether he has an affair with this lady.If he has , then just dump him.You will require him for the sake of your daughter's marriage atleast.That is the sad truth in Indian society.

Yes, he will be nagging for money because he needs to keep her happy.Just cut the money you give him and if he threatens that he will divorce just give him "who cares" kinda look .You need not spend for her right?I don't understand how some men can be so shameless and ruthless by demanding money from wife and spend on ********.

Stick to him for few more years till your daughter gets married.Do not think about divorce at this point as it will affect your daughter.

Rakhii · Jan 6, 2010

I am much younger than, please pardon me for voicing my opinion even though I am younger than you.

Its the mid-life crisis which is causing him to stray. I am not saying that it is acceptable. But first of all determine if he is actually having an affair, I think he is but still, worth making sure. When you are sure, confront him. While doing that, perhaps you can ask him if the lady knows that he is not single. If he is repentant and says he will not repeat his mistake, maybe you can give him the benefit of doubt...if you want to.

I know that you have been married for long and I can only imagine all the financial commitments (like mortgage etc), emotional commitments (to your daughter), social commitments (like parents back home etc). Also determine if you are able to imagine living with him for the rest of your life. How does the picture look like? Happy ending? If yes, then its worth trying to save your marriage. Else, its time to move on, all the commitments will fall into place....personal opinion. You dont have to punish yourself trying to save everyone else's feelings. If you are worried about your daughter, I am sure she will understand you if you tell her the reason why you cannot stay in the marriage.

Whatever decision you make, think 100 times, which I know you will. But first of all, determine if you really like him enough to give him another chance.

flowerlady · Jan 8, 2010

I really believe its mid-life crisis but it does not justify anything. Copy down that girls number and talk to her nicely saying you are his wife and would like to meet her. Ask him how he got the photo for attestation. Its good that you shared your problem with your daughter.
Some men shamelessly flirt with women who need help and the women also play along getting their work done by the old fools. You must find out and nip it in the bud ,no point in letting it go out of hand . If he wants out then he will say it, but why let him have his fun while you look after the house and bring a salary ?
You can try to spend less and ask DH to spend more, say that you are saving for DD.
Keep track of your money , papers even if he repents. Be practical.

J111 · Jan 11, 2010

Hi All,

First of all I want to thank every body for your precious time and effort to solve others problem as well. It is really good that we have community like this to share and get to know some more tips and try to be more and more stronger ( which we all need ) ..

Amma15 , very first day itself I have told him the same ( I am staying for the welfare of my daughter) ..

Flowerlady , I am very much agreeing with you that it is because of mid -life crises and I want to stop this non-sense in the beginning itself .. that is why asked him on the day one that... I want to talk to her for 15 minutes in a common place ( coffee shop ) , When he was trying to justify that he had that photo for attestation ..

he was not listing to me and said u do what ever that u can ..

I also though about your idea of calling that girl directly ( i have the ph no)
but always I use to think what kind of lady is she ( looking for money , or not following any ethics .. I don't know )

now I came to know that her husband passed away or divorced before 2 or 2 1/2 years and she has a son aged 8 years .. she is working lady so she may not be in need of money .. may not have any idea of getting married but to live like this ( since she has a son ) .. I don't know .. I am confused..

some of you have asked are u sure that they have illegal relation ?

evidences that I have is only 3

1. message sent by my husband conveying his love ( now he says .. he did so to irritate me .. but I saw the message only after 6 months from the day it has been sent) .. I was that much ignorant or foolish .. I never thought this ..

2. her photo in his purse ( hidden one )

3. more than 7 or 8 called a day ( through invoice detail for a particular month)

Is this is not enough ... what you people are thinking ? should have to collect some more info ?

but now he is promising that he will not do that any more ( how can I believe ?????)

some times I am forced to compromise ( at the time of arguments ) for the sake of my daughter ( being in higher secondary I don't want her to get disturbed .. ) because of this I gave some money also..

now how to find out whether still they are in touch or not ? or is my DH is following .. what he has promised ..

pls suggest me.. once again thank you very much for your support ..

tanid · Jan 11, 2010

Hi,
I really feel sorry for you. I am too young to give any advice but I just wanted to say I will pray for you to be courageous in whatever you decide to do.
tani.