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Tips/strategies To Reduce Mil Visits To Usa

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by coolcucumber, Feb 3, 2020.

  1. coolcucumber

    coolcucumber New IL'ite

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    Hi, I am new here. Married for 5 years, no kids, housewife. I hope I am not judged for this post. :grimacing:

    Long story story - my MIL is a real devil - straight from hell, my FIL is a male version of her. Both of them have created lot of problems between me and my husband. Luckily, we came to US and problems reduced a great deal. Now, my Brother-in-law recently got married, so MIL has no job left to do in India. She invited herself to our home and has stayed for 6 looong months. Now she says that they will stay for 6 months at our place and 6 months at BIL's place (London) every year. No plans of going back to India. Guys, i am **** scared of this. I cannot tolerate her nonsense for 6 months every year till she dies.
    I have tried some strategies such as ignoring her and FIL completely, not cooking for them, not cleaning the house for them - thinking it will tire her to do all the cooking and housework. But this is not working! :disrelieved:
    I know I cannot completely control this. But is there something I can do to limit their visits? Or make them super uncomfortable so that they don't like staying here?
     
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  2. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Wow...you dint cook and clean for them and ignored them but they still do so much work and keep visiting? Interesting.. they must really love you or your DH or both!..you could try going for work..preferably full time. ....they would feel super bored if you and your H are both working and unavailable at home mostly... and not feel interested in visiting.. apart from this I dont have any ideas to give...watching this thread though, many times I too get tired by long stays of in laws...there are no Visa issues too as we are in India only..
     
  3. coolcucumber

    coolcucumber New IL'ite

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    Thanks! I have some health issues due to which I cannot do a lot. But i deliberately dumped most of the work on her, thinking it will make them both leave. Ha ha.. I don't think it is due to love, they are both very stubborn people and hate the idea of their son living with his wife peacefully. My MIL especially is very insecure that her son will forget her if they don't stay here. lol.
    Job is a good idea. I plan to do that soon.
     
  4. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Oh yes..many MILs just come and sit for long durations at their son's home so that they can assert their place in his life and get son's attention all the time...they have the innermost fear that the son will be so enamoured by his wife that he will forget his mom!!!
    They resort to various strategies like calling everyday, long stays, micro managing the DIL , etc..
    Really you'll get relief if u go for job as you ll spend minimum time with them....as long as she is with you guys she will take care of cooking and household and you'll appreciate hot hot food cooked by your MIL when you come back tired from office! If she gets tired or bored she will go back to India or her sons place!
    ..win win situation...
     
  5. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, In what ways do you think they are evil?

    Your MIL can do the cooking , and house work , and obviously knows you are doing this deliberately, still does the work. Doesnt she create a ruckus about this?

    A MIL who is insecure,a MIL who dislikes her DIL, a MIL who cant stand the happiness of her DIL, those I have seen. A mil who cant stand the idea that her son is living peacefully with his wife, and would go to great trouble to destroy that peace- that I find hard to believe.
     
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  6. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Unfortunately there are such MILs...
     
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  7. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    If you have any specific grievances against her behaviour , talk directly to your husband .These kind of indirect activities only makes you look bad to your husband and everyone and will affect your married life in the long run. Dont make her work so much at her age , there must be better ways of communication.
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2020
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  8. coolcucumber

    coolcucumber New IL'ite

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    It is good that you haven't met such evil people in life. But my MIL and FIL nearly drove me to the point of suicide. They were hell bent on convincing my husband to divorce me immediately after our marriage because my father couldn't give gold jewelry for me in time. Now the reason they are staying here is because they feel I am not a good wife for him, still trying to convince him to leave me. My FIL actually asked my husband to beat me physically so that I will be kept in my place. My MIL was upset that he didn't beat me. Kept on saying that he is not a man. My MIL doesnt create a ruckus about housework because she obviously creates bigger problems for me.

    So obviously my in-laws are the worse of the lot, which is why I don't want them here.
     
  9. coolcucumber

    coolcucumber New IL'ite

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    I have tried to be nice to her when she came here. But she slowly poisons my husband every day saying I am not a good match for him. She had problems with me even before our marriage. But since my husband and I liked each other, we got married despite her not liking it very much. Since the very beginning, both my MIL and FIL are trying their best to create problems between us. I have talked to my husband many times, he understands me when they are not here. But when they come and stay here for a long time, his mind changes. He becomes like their puppy.
     
  10. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Ah, now I get a better picture. Sharing a roof with someone who wants you out of the picture is terrible.

    My FIL actually asked my husband to beat me physically so that I will be kept in my place. My MIL was upset that he didn't beat me. Kept on saying that he is not a man.

    Did you tell your mil that if your DH hit you and you called 999, what could happen to him? After all your FIl/Mil needs to be kept in their place too

    Girl, what you need is not tips but a game plan. And when you play a game , you need to be in control, dont relinquish it to your MIL.
    Get your DH's support . When they are not visiting make life wonderful for him - cook him fresh food, make him feel very welcome when he comes home from work. Spice up your life. So when they come, he should miss that, you can use. Learn the age old art of "pallu may bandhana "

    If the above is hard/impossible, tell your DH - tell your husband the truth. You cannot put up with them because they hate you so much. And that is non-negotiable. And deal with the consequences.

    It depends on your personality/your Dh's personality. I,for instance, would go with option 2, as I am not very patient, not high EQ person and am confident of taking of myself. However, if you are smart and really care for your DH , option 1 would be sweeter
     
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