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Tips on Family Relationships

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sonu_627, Jan 24, 2006.

  1. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Forgiveness-The divine asset

    Forgiveness-The divine asset

    What according to you makes a relationship last a lifetime? Is it only love and understanding. Well it takes lot more than that to make a relationship work. And one of the most important aspect of it is the ability to forgive your partner. It takes a lot of courage to forgive and one who learns to forgive learns to love and make a relationship work. It is said "To err is human and to forgive is divine". How true it is. For only forgiveness can make you understand what love really is.

    When you forgive you do it for you, not for the other. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It is not something you do for someone else. But it is something you do for yourself and in a way you give yourself peace of mind and it makes you a good person. Refusing to forgive by holding on to the anger, resentment and a sense of betrayal can make your own life miserable. There is nothing so bad that cannot be forgiven. So don't hold on to the anger and resentment but let go of it and you will be much happier in life.

    Healthy love relationship is not possible without forgiveness! If you have been hurt in your love relationship then it is not possible to enter into fresh relationships unless you have learnt to forgive. You cannot have a loving and rewarding relationship with anyone else, much less yourself, if you continue to hold on to things that happened in the past. Regardless of the situation, making peace with past love partners, your parents, children, your boss or anyone who you think may have "done you wrong" is the only way to improve your chances of a "healthy" relationship with yourself or anyone else for that matter! It is not possible to truly be present and available to a new relationship until you heal the hurt and upsets of the past. You can never live in the present and create a new and exciting future for yourself and your love partner if you always stay stuck in the past. Remember there is no future in the past and all the love awaits you in the future.

    Forgive and forget is a myth. You may never forget but you can choose to forgive and move on. With time the hurt and the pain will fade. Forgiveness cleanses your system of the poison that will surely worsen and cause sufferings and continued misery if not released. Don't poison your mind with resentment and anger. You cannot take the poison and expect someone else to die. Those who have wronged you will go on with their life and you will be the only one to continue to suffer. So learn to forgive and move on with your life. Remember you deserve to be happy.
     
  2. safa

    safa Bronze IL'ite

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    forgiveness

    sonu, GREAT JOB!
    thank u, safa
     
  3. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Arguments

    [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Arguments[/font]

    <!-- <td width="36%">[​IMG]</td> --> [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]In every relationship, no matter how much you love each other, sometimes you do get into a disagreement and have bitter arguments. These arguments though seem quite logical and justified at that particular moment but do end up making you and your partner feeling bitter and hurtful. Therefore you have to take care that your arguments do not spoil and harm your relationship. The next time you feel an argument starting to form keep in mind the following points to handle such a situation. These argument guidelines will help you deal with the problem that you are facing without making you feel bitter and hurtful. [/font]



    • [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Don't talk if you're too emotional about the situation. Things you say in the heat of the moment have a way of leaving a damaging mark on your relationship. Instead of lashing out while you're still emotional, go out and take a 10 to 20 minute walk. Getting away from the situation will help you cool off and gain a much-needed new perspective.[/font]
    • [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Give your partner enough space to voice his or her concerns. Listening is also important to understand the situation. Thus listen to what he has to say coz that doesn't mean that you are agreeing to what he says.[/font]
    • [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Make an extra effort to really understand what you partner is trying to say. In the heat of the moment you think that you know what he has to say and that whatever it is he is wrong. But that might not be the real state. You could also be wrong. Thus try to understand him and this will really help you end the argument far more quickly.[/font]
    • [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Don't say something you'll regret later. Always consider your relationship like a glass. It is sturdy, tough, beautiful and clear when taken care of, but if it is mistreated or mishandled it can end up scratched, cracked or even broken. Take care in choosing the words you say when you are in the heat of the moment.[/font]
    • [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Leave the past where it belongs...in the past. It is a natural tendency to want to compare current situations to other situations that may have occurred in the past. If you dwell on past occurrences, you'll never find a solution for the future. By bringing up everything you don't like about him or what he has done, it can emotionally push your partner away from you. Thus don't dig up the past issues and keep your disagreements about the problem you are actually dealing with at this time.[/font]
    • [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Learn to compromise. If you can learn to compromise, you'll find yourself in fewer disagreements. If you don't like something, then agree with your partner to find some middle ground. This also applies the other way. Be willing to come up with alternative solutions for things your partner doesn't like as well![/font]
    • [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Talk about the problem with open heart and finish it off. Let your partner know exactly when something upsets you and don't let things build up until you explode. Certain times we just try to avoid the problems. It's far too easy to run off and avoid your partner, or give them the silent treatment. Instead, make a commitment right now to each other to respect each other enough to work out the problem even if it takes all night. Remember never to go to bed angry.[/font]
    • [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Find a solution to the problem together. Once you've both identified that there is a problem, and what the exact problem is, you need to come to a solution that benefits each other. To do this, each person should be responsible for coming up with a solution they feel will end the problem. Share your ideas and agree to a compromise, if needed, to the situation.[/font]
    • [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Make your relationship with your partner your first concern when you are in the middle of a disagreement. This does not mean bend over backwards for them or compromise your integrity. Just keep in mind that the person you are arguing with is your best friend, lover and soul mate. If you both keep that at the forefront of your mind in an argument you will never end up hurting each other.[/font]
     
  4. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Disarming your in-laws

    Disarming your in-laws

    You can transform the traditional adversaries into friends and well-wishers. All you need is tact, straightforwardness and a pinch of healthy selfishness.

    Ideally, your mother-in-law should be the person with whom you can laugh about how your husband loves to sleep long hours. Dealing with in-laws is tricky business most of the times, but if you learn to get past fake family togetherness, formality and innuendo, you could actually have your in-laws on your side. Here's how:

    Say No To Stereotypes

    Leave that script behind at your parent's house. In-laws demons, me victim. You go in with presumed apprehension and they becomes defensive from day one. True, the mother-in-law is a person who can churn a million emotions in us (actually why, have you ever wondered?) yet, remember, even mothers-in-law come in all types and characters. To pattern a relationship on conditioning is to axe it from the beginning. First, make an effort to observe and understand her and then learn to deal with it. Don't let hostility be your coping tactic.

    Your In-Laws Are Scared Too!


    Even while a son's wedding is one of the happiest moments in any parents' life, this is also the time when they realise, with a certain sense of gloom, that their son is now someone else's. There is another woman in his life, who is obviously going to be the centre of his attention. Naturally, your in-laws have mixed emotions about you. You have usurped their place in their son's life, in some way. For your in-laws, your husband's marriage is also a milestone in their life in terms of their aging. Psychologists state that the unspoken emotions around the marriage of a child can make elder parents very vulnerable and hence on the defensive, even without provocation. This is perhaps the reason why many mothers-in-law don't allow their daughters-in-law inside the kitchen for a very long time. Because they don't want to lose control. And the kitchen, we all agree, is a control room in every house. Speak to your parents-in-law about their fears, tell them that you are a part of their family and not there to take their son away. Trust takes time but it won't come automatically, you have to bridge the distance yourself.

    Don't Attempt To Change Yourself

    By trying to be perfect or someone that you aren't is a pressure on your in-laws' family too. They aren't perfect themselves. Your mother-in-law will, in all probability, appreciate that you are no superwoman. That way, she can drop her guard too and be herself. The best way for people closer to each other.

    Why Compete?

    A lot of in-law troubles stem from one-upmanship. Right from your husband, the bone of contention, to the sofa covers, it sometimes results in "this is mine and not yours". You may be made to feel like a trespasser in the house initially, but give it some months and endear yourself to the family before deciding to change the colours of the curtains or redoing the drawing room. If you try and show that you're the boss right from the day after the wedding, your mother-in-law will surely resent it. Resist the temptation to treat your mom-in-law like a rival.

    You May Not Be Their Dream Girl


    A lot of acrimony arises because your husband's parents had another image in mind for their son's wife and you don't fit in at all. Often the case these days. It is also quite possible that your in-laws find you ambitious and less "homely" than they dreamt you to be. Sit with them and tell them how important your career is and that they hurt you if they preach you about the joys of homemaking and mediocrity and the dangers of long hours. Share the details of your work with them and make them a part of your life in every way instead of being secretive.

    Laugh About It

    Some ice-breakers:
    - Go shopping with your in-laws and eat out with them every once in a while.
    - Bring home a funny movie and watch it together. Laughter is a great binder.
    - Share good old-fashioned gossip about eccentric relatives, the great aunt who drinks tea only in a steel glass, the nephew who is accident prone…
    - Look through old photo albums together.
    - Don't gossip about your mom-in-law with your new neighbours. Word inevitably gets around and then the resentments will begin.

    As Dr Rebecca Liswood who founded the marriage counselling service in New York puts it, "Sudden love rarely binds the two most important women in a man's life. But you can slowly evolve into good friends and well-wishers."

    At least give it a chance.
     
  5. Chilbuli Imli

    Chilbuli Imli Senior IL'ite

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    Tips to stay Happily Married....

    1) Communicate; always talk about everything. Majority of life’s problems will vanish with just simple communication. Yelling and screaming is barbarianism, not communication. Always communicate calmly and with decent language.
    2) Be honest; never lie to each other. Trust is like an indestructible castle and a fragile glass house, simultaneously. Don’t ever betray each other’s trust.

    3) Never take an argument from one day into the next. Get it resolved, discussed, whatever it takes to clear it up. Don’t wake up upset.

    4) Always start your day with a smile and greet each other happily. Smile often during the day.

    5) If there is an argument between your spouse and his/her parent, always favor the parent.

    6) Love and respect the spouse’s parents like they are God.

    7) You may get a lot of advise on how to manipulate your spouse, how to make him/her behave exactly the way you want. Never do that. If you look closely at people who will give you such advice, you will see that they have very miserable lives and worthless marriages.

    [​IMG] Nothing comes between you two, nothing. No one, any amount of money, or any other thing is enough to ever come between you.

    9) Bad times are an incredible opportunity to solidify your relationship. Forget all disagreements and arguments during bad times or emergencies and come together as an inseparable team.

    10) Good times will pass, so save up and prepare for bad times. Bad times will pass, so don’t be depressed and face them with the knowledge that they are doomed to disappear.

    11) Some of the worst things that happen to you in life (not counting deaths etc), will end up being responsible for some of the best things that will ever happen to you. So when bad things happen, just smile, think about something wonderful looming in the horizon.

    12) NEVER argue in front of other people. Save it for when you are alone.

    13) Give more than you expect from the other person. Love more, do more, be more willing to compromise, and watch your marriage flourish. There is no better way to make the other person do more for you.

    14) DON’T take each other for granted. Do nice things randomly. Surprise each other.

    15) Don’t ever allow life to become ordinary. Dream more than others think is wise. Give generously. “Live” life, don’t just exist.

    16) Keep each other’s secrets.

    17) Enjoy your marriage for a while, preferably a few years, before having kids.

    1[​IMG] Maintain yourself, look good, stay healthy, dress well, groom yourself, watch your weight. Don’t let go just because you are married.

    19) Help each other lead a healthy lifestyle. Health will affect every aspect of your lives.

    20) Manage your finances. Be smart with money. Don’t ever let money rule you, but learn to command it. Save money, never spend everything you make.

    21) Buy a home as soon as possible. After buying a home, buy other property also whenever possible. If you want to “make it” financially in life, property is the best way.

    22) Always remember your parent’s sacrifices and take care of them.

    23) Do some great deeds in your life, help people, make a difference in other peoples lives.

    24) Never forget God. Thank him, pray to him. Consider him your friend. Don’t just follow rituals, cultivate a truly close friendship.

    25) Always treat people who are in a weak or subservient position, nicely. Any idiot who has power over someone, like a spouse, children, subordinates, can be mean and misuse that power. The person who doesn’t abuse that power and dispenses love and affection instead, is truly magnificent.

    26) The people who have proven to be mean, dishonest, cunning, or negative in any way, will always be that way. Don’t keep trying them expecting different results. Even if they are close relatives or friends. This is stupidity.

    27) Friends are family you choose. Family are friends God chooses for you. Walk away from the ones who are bad in either category. Just because someone is a relative does not give them the right to abuse you or your family.

    2[​IMG] Don’t consider money as something that comes and goes, or as a vice, or it will always find a way to leave you. It is an important resource, learn to manage it, use it, grow it, but don’t worship it.

    29) Live with passion. Start every day by asking your self 2 questions. 1) What do I have in my life right now that I am very thankful for? 2) What do I have to look forward to in the future? Just watch each day become wonderful if you start it this way. This simple 5 minute exercise can bring an incredible amount of happiness into your life.
     
  6. Chilbuli Imli

    Chilbuli Imli Senior IL'ite

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    Tips to stay happily married..cont

    30) Whenever you are feeling down and depressed, just stop and ask yourself what great things you have been blessed with in your life. You will never find a better antidepressant.

    31) NEVER make a major medical decision like taking powerful medication or having a surgery, without getting a second or even third opinion. NEVER take any medicine without researching it yourself.

    33) Don’t let people like friends and family make your life miserable, take advantage of you, and not do anything about it because of formality. Put an end to it. An abusive personality will always remain that way. Be blunt.

    34) Write your goals. If you want to reach certain destinations in life, take the trouble of giving your brain a map in the form of well thought out and WRITTEN goals.

    35) Want success? Surround yourself with successful people. Make sure the company you keep is of great people who have gotten the results in life that you desire.

    36) Role model. Don’t reinvent the wheel. If you want certain results in life, find someone who has achieved those results and do what they have done.

    37) You WILL have great opportunities and threats come your way. Be prepared to avail the opportunities, they are not always very obvious. Be prepared to face threats, they have a way of creeping up.

    3[​IMG] When you face major problems, unless they require immediate action, wait a day or two. They will seem to be less severe by then and the solution you choose will be better.

    39) Whenever you are angry and want to get mad at someone, ALWAYS wait a day, let it settle down, and then the actions you will take WILL ALWAYS be more appropriate.

    40) An opportunity that sounds too good to be true is usually not true.

    41) Plan your life; don’t just let it take you wherever it wants to.

    42) Don’t leave things just to God, he has a busy schedule and he helps those who help themselves. He dislikes lazy people who leave all the work to him.

    44) Travel and see places. This earth and all the cultures on it are a magnificent gift from God. Explore it.

    45) Take care of the environment. We did not inherit this earth from our parents; we are borrowing it from our children.

    46) Don’t challenge another person, group, or culture’s morality or religious beliefs. There is always someone more conservative and more liberal than you. Be understanding and accepting of other’s views that are different from yours.

    47) Control you habits. Change your bad habits. Habits are things you do without thinking. It takes about a month to replace a bad habit with a good one, and it has a monumental effect on your entire life.

    4[​IMG] Try and find the best in people and situations. It is so easy and useless to be negative; it is so magnificent to be positive

    49) Love your children more than anyone can imagine, but discipline them. Raising them with bad habits is one of the worst things you can do to them.

    50) If you have good food, decent home, nice transportation, and security in your life, you are ahead of 99% of the people on earth. Be thankful and happy
     
  7. GeethaMR

    GeethaMR Silver IL'ite

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    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
    Wow what a thread Sonu.
    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
    This is why when people say "Old thread", i feel sad, because threads on Indus are not old, merely timelesss. You dust a little and they contain a well of beautiful knowledge. It is up to us to access that well of knowledge and apply it in our lives.

    Thanks for this thread. I wonder how is your situation now, Sonu? I see that you had logged in only 20 days back as well, hope all is well.

    Geetha
     
  8. manjubashini

    manjubashini IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: Tips to stay happily married..cont

    nice thread Sonu. And also thank u Geetha for dusting it up.
     

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