Tips On Cutting Down A Toxic Friendship

anayasree · Jul 1, 2025

Something very hurtful happened recently. I dont want to expose much details to hide my identity. Long story short, some of my "friends" in my neighborhood ladies group had a kitty party. We had great fun, but towards the end I was lying down tired and 2 of them thought I was sleeping and trash talked me when I was right there. What they spoke of me deeply hurt me, but I pretended to be asleep, did not confront them and left the party later.

I spoke to a close of friend of mine, got out all my feelings and still healing. I had agreed to host the next party even before all this happened and they both are coming.

As a host I want to do the bare minimum but also save my self esteem. Pls do not ask me to cancel the party, thats not going to happen. This is the last party I am going to host as it has been my turn for a long time, but I am going to exit from this group as it has gotten very toxic for me.

As the wound is still fresh in my mind, I keep replaying the words used at me and I keep getting emotional. I need tips on how to gracefully handle myself at this party. There are 3 other ladies who are all sweet (I think!?) and I want to keep myself only with them. Any suggestions pls?

Also I am I think a people pleaser. I dont even like to keep texts read in whatsapp and will try to reply as soon as possible. So how do I eventually cut down these friendships to a bare minimum?

@Rihana I would very much appreciate it if you can respond here. No pressure, only if you can!

Rihana · Jul 1, 2025

Hi Anayasree,

1) I think you handled the situation well by not confronting them. In my experience, confrontation or a "frank conversation" rarely leads to anything positive unless you want to plan to cut off contact completely and want to give them a piece of your mind before that.

2) I agree with your decision to host the next party and not cancel it. Do the bare minimum. Remind yourself that their opinions about the party do not define your worth, and it is okay if they compare it to others. When I have been in similar tough situations, I found it helpful to consciously talk less, keep my energy subdued, and pause before responding. These small strategies help maintain calm and salvage some self-esteem. In particular, the pause before saying something or doing something.

3) About your replying ASAP WhatsApp habit - I relate completely. The best remedy is exactly what you said: give yourself some time before replying. Sometimes a simple OK or a thumbs-up emoji works perfectly and keeps the conversation light without pressure.

4) When it comes to cutting back on toxic friendships but wanting to keep the good ones, that is definitely challenging when you are all part of the same group. The best approach I can suggest is to stop attending the group’s kitty parties and instead reach out individually to the friends you trust and like. Forming a separate group just with the good ones might seem tempting, but I would advise holding off on that for now to avoid further complications.

5) General observation: In any group of friends, there is almost always some talking behind each other’s backs. Sometimes it is well-meaning concern friends express about someone; other times it is mean-spirited. Like you, I do not completely cut off friendships, I just dial them down significantly. What I’m trying to say is that even the good ones might be talking about you. Maybe accept this talking behind your back as something that happens, and understand that there will only be one to three really close friends who are 100% loyal to you.

6) A little unsolicited advice: regular casual gatherings like kitty parties can often be fertile ground for hurtful moments like this. Unlike groups with a clear goal or shared activity, like a book club or walking group, the open-ended nature of these get-togethers can sometimes lead to idle chatter that turns negative or hurtful.

anayasree · Jul 1, 2025

Thanks @Rihana for taking the time to respond.

I didn't want to confront them for the same reasons you mentioned. The reason it hurts me so much is because when I spend time with them these 2 ladies are the ones that always talk very sweetly and didn't realize how 2 faced they were actually. I do understand that talking behind your back is usually there to some extent, and I am fine with that. May be hearing it directly instead of thru someone else really made it worse.

I like your suggestion of overall talking less, subdued energy, pausing before responding. It is not in my nature to be so, but I will try that. I dont think I can talk well with 3 of them and just be laid back with only the 2 of them. I will try to be neutral this entire party and get it over with. Thanks again a lot!