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Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SurekhaKrishna, Sep 22, 2014.

  1. SurekhaKrishna

    SurekhaKrishna Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi
    i have a question on how to deal with mil's domination during weekend stay in my home.
    I have a DD 4 years old.MIL,me and hubby cooks on Sunday afternoon meal.there are minimum 3 dishes like sambar,chicken curry,rasam,egg curry and papads.even though Sunday is a holiday and a non veg day in our home,there has to be full course of vegetarian dishes.because my FIL won't eat chicken since several years it seems.

    Problem comes now...
    I will ask mil to start eating our meals.the food will be so hot at that time.so I need to cool it a little by spreading on a big plate...she comes running and serves a full plate and gives first to her husband.she will be eating before my DD's hot food cools down.my DD would eat only her first bite.
    sometimes I feel like she don't want to wait till my DD plate is served.
    am I wrong in feeding my DD first as she is the little one in our family.

    2.whenever I hand over things like pillows,dinner plates,big serving spoons to her,she either grabs in a rough way or can't wait till the object is stable in mine or her hand.
    i feel she acts so cheap and one more of her ways to confuse me without a reason.

    3.MIL stays in the week days with SIL family in same city just 4 miles away.MIL will not ask me in person or over the phone ,how I am feeling when I am sick and drop my DD in sil's place.this last issue is not acceptable to me and reminds me how much useless her presence is to me as a MIL.

    pls give your suggestions...
     
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  2. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    Understand this - that she is a stranger and considers you a stranger. An outsider. Would you expect her to be worried about your health? Do not expect any sort of sympathy or care from her. Problem solved.
    About the food part, did she complain to you that you take food for your DD first? If yes, then tell her the reason in a calm manner and continue the same way. If she has not done anything, let her do what she wants..Why bother.
     
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  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    1. Eating together: This is a good practice. Be sure that your DD, husband and you eat together as often as possible. The rest of the people, don't bother if they eat before or later. A side-benefit is that your DD will view your three as a unit in the bigger family.

    2. Sunday afternoons - once in a while take your child and go out. Let your husband take care of the kitchen and his parents.

    3. MIL hands over or takes things rudely - you can't do much about this. Is she like this with all?

    4. Leaving your DD at SIL's place. Do you want to be able to do this and not able to do it? Ignore it then. You don't want to do it and MIL insists on it? Just keep politely saying that you don't want DD to send DD. Don't give any reason.

    Read your post. There is only one mention of hubby, and that is "hubby cooks". Think about it? What is his role in all this? Can you follow his approach to the weekends? If he is mostly not involved, make him more involved.

    If I were in your position, I might find a mommy-and-me class to go to in the weekend, and make going to that class a 2-3 hours affair. Ballet, Bollywood dance, musical instrument, vocal music, gymnastics, story time - there are so many parent-and-child classes. Do it casually, not making it very obvious that main idea is to get away from the house.
     
  4. SurekhaKrishna

    SurekhaKrishna Bronze IL'ite

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    I don't have close friends after my wedding.people don't care when something is going wrong with my hubby and me.it's only both of us fight and cry and struggle and learn on our own.i am interested to know how the normal MIL cares and talks to a younger DIL from our ladies here.


    Gauridinesh and Rihanna
    when I have fever I cannot take care of my LO.she is just watching cartoons all day long.my hubby won't take leave from new work place.so hubby drops LO early morning before going to office in care of grandma.when my MIL knows that I have fever since 2 days,she won't call me the same day or say something in weekends about it.it's quite obvious to me that MIL don't like me.it's as if I am a slave to cook and clean in the house without anyone asking about me how am I doing?i would be asked only to cook breakfast around 8:00amlunch around 12:00 pm dinner around 7:00 pm.
    there is no importance to my health or ideas...
     
  5. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    Why does you MIL need to wait for your DD to be served? Does she take all the food you have kept to cool and serve herself and her husband? I am guessing that she helps with cooking too, so why don't you make just 1-2 non-veg dishes for you guys and ask MIL to take care of the food for FIL?

    Does she shove food in your mouth and insist that you also eat with her, before the child? As long as that's not the case, I don't see why you have an issue with MIL/FIL eating before your daughter.

    Maybe she's just like that. My sister does that too, especially when she's in a hurry... it's not the intention to grab... but I guess just the nerves. Your MIL may be like that. Why don't you just try placing it somewhere and let her know that you have kept it there instead of handing it over to her?

    Some people are by nature like that... they do not feel the need to inquire after people. She does you the favor of taking care of your child when you're unable to... I think you should leave it at that.
     
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  6. SurekhaKrishna

    SurekhaKrishna Bronze IL'ite

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    I will call MIL every week and ask how MIL FIL are doing?:rant
    but they never call me...is this wrong to expect from MIL.
    as a woman she should know how many health problems comes when I am doing all
    household chores like washing,cleaning,cooking without any help.
     
  7. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    I don't understand this obsession we have about being inquired after!! Is it going to make your fever go away or your ailment disappear if your MIL asks after you? Ok, some might find that courteous behavior... but probably 80% of people that ask after others are asking for just the heck of it. That your MIL agrees to take care of your child when you are sick is acknowledgement enough that you're sick. Why do you want to be specifically want to be "asked"?

    You call MIL and FIL, very good. You're a great, courteous person. They're not people that reciprocate the same way!!! Why is this such a big deal?!
     
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  8. SurekhaKrishna

    SurekhaKrishna Bronze IL'ite

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    Pear tree ,
    I just want to know how it will be in other people lives. is this normal to ignore DIL's sickness.i find it really unfair to ignore.it looks over selfish to me in person.i am not less important than her son and grand child.is this the first time I am sick?no right.i have my own feelings to vent out.so I have posted about it.
     
  9. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    Surekha

    All I am saying is not everyone is always asking about other people. Just that someone doesn't ask after you is not an indication of whether they like you or not! It just doesn't strike some people... that's all there is to it.

    My dad, he is extremely obsessed with cricket. So where there is a match on TV, he wouldn't care if someone came to the house... he would be so engrossed in the match that he wouldn't even follow common courtesies. Many times, I used to feel embarrassed and fight with my dad about it. Over time, me and the others just accepted it as part of my dad's characteristic, and I learned that it is really useless to feel offended by it. Once the match is over, my dad doesn't even remember that he did not say nice things to someone who came home, and the next time the person came, he would talk to them as if nothing happened. So that's how it was, while I was always watching my dad's behavior... seeing if he did greet them and was being nice to them!!
     
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  10. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You call your MIL/FIL, you cook three meals in the day, these are your choices. You can say no or do less. You cannot control how they appreciate your efforts.

    What health problems? What household chores without any help? Going by your posts, it looks like you are stay-at-home mom with a 4 year old in the U.S. If that is correct, then, how difficult are the chores? How many times a year do you fall sick?
     

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