This time Ladki-wale were the PARTYPOOPERS!!

APO

I guess this is what might have made our posters go wild...when you mention all this as arrogance and thoughtlessness etc..etc.. Yeah I do understand that might be the boy would have made it clear on how he wanted the whole traditions to be followed.

Point here dear is.,...if the girl and boy wants to get married, yes they can get a marriage certificate, however they want the presence of their families and friends, they want to be blessed and wished good luck, but because they wanted everyones presence doesnt mean that everyone would start judging on how the girls parents were able/not able to follow the traditions and respect etc.,

If traditions and respect were so important am sure the girl would have known the strictness of the boy and his parents and passed on the info to her parents..but seems like because the boy and girl were living together in US for 2 yrs the relationship had tobe officially declared it to the friends n family and tahts why this wedding (tahts the bottom line here) so now in the name of wedding...if the boys parents say thisis not done or followed or feel hurt, it wont have any affect..reason..unofficially the boy and the girl already started living together under one roof, they are getting married only for the sake of declaring it to everyone...so those customs, traditions, no. of sweets or respect doesnt matter to them. If it had mattered so much to the boys parents they would have made it clear to theri son on what will/will not be followed

Also everyone knows that girl wont be allowed to go toinlaws house on fridays..so if both the families are from the same tradition n culture how did the boys parents expect that hte girl would be allowed to go to their house on that day?? if they had doubt theys hould have clarified it..

Bottomline..Marriages are big events. No matter how many ever planners you hire, there is always something thats missed. So instead of looking at whats missed, if we could look at how happy the couple are, lot of these EGO hassels and respect issues can be avoided. Most of the problems in a couples life start with these marriage ceremonies only. Instead of people blessing the couple, relatives keep commenting on the brides parents/brides color or the food served or the respect given.

Also when you say boys parents are soft and they wont talk etc..etc..then why are you so bothered n worried? I guess there should have been a big discussion and disappointment conveyed by the boys parents isnt it??Also am sure the boys parents also know that their son loves the girl and is committed to her so their words or actions would have no effect on him so they also lost the chance of creating a scene in the marriage, If it had been an arranged marriage am sure the boys parents would have made big scene and the whole marriage ceremony would have gone bad!

Also just because the boy loved a girl and wants to show his commitment towards her doesnt mean that he is neglecting his parents. Why is this such a big deal Id ont get it? If i say I love my husband, does it mean I dont love my parents/siblins? why interpret things in that way?? If their son likes the new bride and is attached and wants to be with her whereever she is..well and good. but hte son is caring and loving towards his parents also isnt it?? or is he starving them? illtreating them?? if not..how did the son disrespect his parents? how did he show his hatred towards his parents?? This is the most worst thing parents do..they misinterpret and misread anything that happens as soon as a new bride comes into their sons life. Its like that competition with the wife on who gets more attention and respect and love. If this is handled and everyone understands their place in each others lives things would be very easy.

When the boy and the girl are living together for such long time, I dont think expecting the girls parents to salute the boys parents and their extended family int he name of respect is right!! because the wedding is just for name sake here.JMO

 

Usha this was an arranged marriage :bonkfor my bro and we mutually agreed to give him liberties so that he can enjoy his D day to fullest... he dint ignore us but yes we were never strict about timings and mahurats, a lot of so called rules were bent for everyone's convinience.. we wanted to avoid anything & mentality that became a PAIN for my marriage. A learning curve I shall say.

I agree to Srividiya that when the two were living like couples it was a mere formality for them and not to be treated as NEW.

APO, I also agree to ,there are parents of women too who are problematic and hard to deal with.
Yes certain parents are just too hard to deal with.. whether they're the parents of gal or boy... they never entertain anyone.. and my BIL agrees to it (DH of my Blessed SIL) :biglaugh.

 

Agreed APO.

I would like to know what the groom was doing? Just nodding the head to whatever his MIL was saying a?! He doesn't want to spend time with his parents?

In such situation, my fiance would say "Tata...bye dear. We will meet in the airport" and leave the place with his parents. And I will run behind him carrying all the garlands "iru da....nanum varen" [ Wait...I will also come] :biglaugh

 

APO

Yep these points are always discussed with no bias by all our members isnt it?? we discuss mean DILs and mean inlaws too...so no one is trying to take sides here dear! when you post something, diff. people would approach and think from diff angles so why not take it that way..what may appear to you as disrespect may not appear the same to others isnt it? as long as there were no rude or harsh words exchanged or people yelling/shouting at each other I would say lets go with the flow and wish good luck for the couple thats what I would do if I am in the situation which you were in

I would give an example to you...this is in my own brothers marriage..after the welcome ceremony they served lunch, and turns out all the girls relatives and their kids sat for lunch and by the time I went to sit there was no place:hide: I was exhausted due to travel and more than me I was scared as to how my husband would be upset, but he calmly picked a plate and was having the food in buffet style..my SILs father and her sisters (she has no brothers) till date like me and my husband soo much and respect us more only for one reason..for understanding the situation and not making a scene at the wedding.

This is just one incident , there were several such things that happened over the entire wedding in just 24 hrs..but still I kept my cool and empathized with them and even my husband too.

I have my SILs sisters also on my messenger list as soon as I came back all of them sent friend requests am glad that things turned out well in my bros wedding. WE all are there to enjoy each others company..rather than who respected whom, who served what, how someone is acting infront of us etc..JMO nothing against what you felt.

 

Wow Sri, what a sweet story. :thumbsup

I think you have really illustrated how I feel about weddings..... weddings are for a day, or few days, at most. The food, outfits, and jewellery are either eaten or packed away in storage. Yet relationships extend far longer than that one day.... so instead of punishing each other for this or that, why can't people be a little more easy going and focus on the stuff that matters??

Think about it.... majority of us are not party planners. We do not plan functions like bidaai and welcoming ceremony on a day to day basis, so why is there such huge expectations that these ceremonies should go off like they were arranged by a pro??

And what shocks me most, is GUESTS at a wedding would be so rude to criticize something or other. I mean, when you BUY something, like a new purse or outfit, I can understand you speaking up if it's not up to your standards. But when you are showing up free, to party for free, to eat for free, and to share somebody elses happiness for free.... where is your right to ridicule what rituals they included or how the couple spent their time together?

Maybe the bride did not WANT bidaai ceremony. And really, it would have been a sham. Leaving parents house crying while heading off into the sunset towards inlaws house......... :bonk ? Let's be real. This couple was already living TOGETHER, in US, away from both sets of parents. So what would even be the point of bidaai ceremony?

I was just thinking, it's good Western weddings don't have the whole welcoming ceremony, because just about every non Indian wedding I've been to, the bride and her close ones are ALWAYS LATE!! Bride is always putting finishing touches on makeup or dress keeping everyone waiting! Yet, I hardly ever hear anyone pitch a fit about it. I think it's because in western weddings, people chill out and understand "Hey, it's not about ME today. It's about the couple." You know what American parents get at the wedding? A front row seat and the second dance. And they are HAPPY with that! I think Indian families should take a cue from their American counterparts and learn to let go of ego.

 

Wow, some one writes about their experience at a wedding, she gets attacked so rudely for it? Then why bother having these forums?

@Apassionateone: You are right that there should be some basic courtesies followed at a wedding. It's a public gathering, the bride/groom families are the hosts, they should show some class! Put aside their differences and be respectful, not mean and arrogant (even if you presume groom's side deserved it). If the wedding is only about the bride/groom, they should have the sense to get married in a private setting where there would be no room for misunderstandings! Once they want a big wedding with all the hoopla, no doubt sweated and arranged by parents/in-laws, then there are some basic rules to be followed. Just because the bride's family didn't like groom's family, that's no reason to insult them in public. Apparently, money DOES NOT EQUAL CLASS!!! The groom (even if he had differences with his parents) should have shown respect to his own parents. Otherwise, his rich wife/in-laws will always treat him and his family like crap!


@asuitablegirl: You keep complaining that APO was just a guest and she shouldn't complain. Well, you were not even at the wedding, you are not even related to groom's side nor were you even a guest at that wedding! Yet, you are complaining and taking sides and declaring some absolutes!!! May be you should take a bit of your own advice and not take sides and complain so much.

I left India as a teenager and know all about western traditions. That didn't mean that I was going to say that my wedding was only about me and my husband. FYI...me and my DH paid for our own wedding, unheard of from Indian girls even now in most cases! We made sure that it was a wedding where my in-laws and all guests were treated with respect and care. That's why my MIL is one of my best friends. May be you don't know/don't care about Indian traditions. If all Indians started behaving as selfish as you thinking "it's all about me and my groom", there is no room for adjustment in a marriage nor with future family! You are starting off on the wrong foot. I am not saying you should cater to every whim from either side, but at the bare minimum, treat people with respect in front of others. Deal with your personal differences in a private setting, don't air your dirty laundry in public when 1000s have gathered to celebrate and share in the happiness. If the groom stood by when his parents were being ill-treated openly (I don't mean ceremony wise, but with harsh words), then he is a doormat!!!

 

After reading APassionateOne's posts this is the conclusion, I came to. Wedding is a place (especially Indian) where Groom's parents are on receiving end (getting respect and enjoying customs) and Bride's parents are on giving end (giving respect and following customs).

Respect has to be yearned. Period.

SriVidya75, Most of the times reading your posts to me is like reading my mind. I am one of those kinds who has lot of things in mind but find it difficult to put down on paper. But after reading your posts, especially here on this thread, I felt that's what exactly I wanted to convey. It's like reflection of my own mind.

 

ASG, :hatsoff to you. I liked your explanation of India wed vs American wed and it's very true. The more we try to satisfy the more complaints we here.

 

Yeah, I was not at the wedding, but since APO posted this thread with the expectation that people could opine as they wished, I'm giving my two cents. Guess what.... besides me not being at the wedding, guess who else wasn't at the wedding, yet is commenting on this thread. YOU! So if you can, I can too.

I didn't take sides. Who's side am I taking? The brides? The bride's family? News flash: I don't even know these people, so how could I 'take sides'?? And I find it hilarious that you are accusing me of 'complaing so much' about a wedding.... that I wasn't even at! What is there for me to complain about? Unlike some people, I do not get ruffled about what other people chose to do at their wedding, christmas party, or pot luck dinners.

I can understand APO feeling bad for the groom's parents. She is entitled to feel bad for anyone she wants to. And it is indeed sad that the groom's parents were dissapointed about how the wedding went off. But she sounded personally pissed that there was no welcoming ceremony and bidaai, as if this were her own wedding! I mean come on, why do we make standards, and then hold everyone else accountable based on our standards? Let everyone do as they wish! And sorry to say, if a couple wants to edit out a certain ceremony, because of personal reasons or even a time crunch, it is their right to do so!

I have never met, will never meet, nor care to meet, the bride or her parents. I have no reason to take their side. That's why I DIDNT take their side. Or the groom's side. Of course I believe everyone should do their best to respect each other's feelings at weddings and everywhere else for that matter. But getting up in arms about a missing ceremony is stupid. Especially since the bidaai ceremony would have been a total farce. And although there does seem to be some inequality with how the bride and groom spent their time AFTER the wedding..... again, that's traditionally the 'honeymoon' period where they are free to go wherever they want! If instead of visiting with the bride's parents, they had gone for a honeymoon at a hill station, would APO still be complaining? Dont' couple's traditionally spend time on their own after the wedding like during honeymoon? So what is the problem he didn't spend all his time with his parents AFTER the wedding? Was he not there with them BEFORE the wedding??

I'm really confused as to how weddings brings out so much anger in the bride, groom, parents, and guests alike, 99.9999999% of the time. I think if this is the case and nobody can handle weddings maturely, we should just stop having them.