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This time Ladki-wale were the PARTYPOOPERS!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by APassionateOne, Jun 8, 2010.

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  1. APassionateOne

    APassionateOne New IL'ite

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    Going through this forum, we always read complaints about how bad a wedding was done, from the groom's side ppl. We also read brides side complaining of all the trouble the ladke-wale gave them etc. But I think, a wedding, it's rituals and several procedures involved should be talked about first by both side parties and implemented by the book.

    I recently attended a friend's brother's wedding. The situations just turned from 'not good' to 'bad' to 'worse'. And now, there is only a man and a woman married minus families. They all hate each other's guts. Mind you both sides’ parents are very well educated!

    The boy and girl met in medical school and loved each other. Came to US. Both from different communities. Boy's parents - dad-a-popular doctor and mom-a-homemaker. Girl's parents - dad and mom - both professors and head of the departments in the same city.

    Now, things have not been pleasant even from the beginning. Any friendly meet the boy's mom wanted to have (for talks/shopping etc), the girl's mom wanted the boy's mom and sister to come to their place/shop in their area etc. All the shopping/selections etc were done by girl's side without involving the groom's side. And yes, since the bride's family is superrich, they gave all diamonds, expensive clothes to the groom.

    As the wedding came closer, the boy came to India and hardly spent a day with his parents before laying his tent at the girl's fort (bahane included shopping/eating out etc). Then came the wedding day, when usually girl’s parents reach the wedding hall first and invite the groom and his party. The case here was of the opposite! They told the groom's side to be ready by 6AM, so the groom woke up every body at 3AM and got all of us got ready by 6AM. Usually bride's ppl send a decorated car or something for the groom. Here it was an old bus at 9AM!

    As the groom's party comes to the wedding hall, the bride's party receives and welcomes them. Here, the bus driver dropped off the groom's party on the main road and told them to just walk inside. No welcoming or anything.
    And surprise.. surprise! The bride's party is not there yet. They arrived after an hour. They live next to the wedding hall!

    After the wedding, usually the girl is formally given away to the in-laws (girl's hand in the in-laws hand - a symbolic entrusting of a girl to the in-laws). Here while the groom's ppl were waiting for that ceremony, the bride's mom comes and tells them to leave as it is late and just said bye and walked away!!

    (They are from the same culture etc, just because they are highly employed and have crores of money, they are not exempt in following the minimum courtesies!!)

    The shell shocked groom's side, waited for the boy and girl to come out of the room in the wedding hall. The bride's mother came out side again and said "since it is Friday, we will not send our girl today. And we have something called three nights. So the boy will come to your place after three nights".

    The Boy and Girl were leaving to US after three days for God's sake! It was not as if the boy and girl were not together before. The boy and girl are living together in US, so ..well...no comments there. And it is not that they will not see each other too. They are going back together.

    We didn't know why the bride's side was so thoughtless - even if it is their tradition, it should have been mentioned before and on the other hand, any tradition can be done only if it is convenient to everyone in this day and age!

    So, at the end, with all the bride's side arrogance and thoughlessness along with the boy's stupidity, he got married with out any 'welcoming ceremony' or 'bidaii ceremony' and left back to US, without even spending a day with his parents.

    So much for the boy's parents' happiness! So much for their soft nature and attempts to coordinate and adjust! They are the gentlest ppl we know. And after all this, I would not be surprised if the girl comes to a forum like this and starts posts about 'indifferent in-laws'.

    I would not give a damn about traditions and small things in weddings etc, but there should be a mutual understanding and coordination between both parties.
     
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2010
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  2. Varloo

    Varloo Gold IL'ite

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    Dear APO,
    there are many such girls' side people here, they just catch a groom somehow!
    I attended a wedding a couple of years back in Kerala. The groom's mother had once postponed the engagement on some misunderstanding. SO the girl's father told them to come only by evening 4 on the previous day to wedding. The girl's side did not welcome the groom's party well or call them for dinner etc. Each took separate group photos, not together. Each party kept to themselves in groups, not mingling at all. I knew some of the people from the groom's side and I tried to keep a string of friendship. The groom's party was packed off ont he wedding day by 4 in the afternoon, the firl's parents waited for the other party's car to start and drove off immediately. It iseems that their relationship is the same even now, though their children are married to each other.
    A marriage is a happy occasion, remembered by all who attend it. I think that is is the duty of the party who is hosting the wedding, to take care of their guests well. Even if the other party had been insensitive, the host should behave well. What is the use of ignoring a guest after you invite them over?
     
  3. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    If the boy's side wanted certain things done, they should have stepped up and made their expectations known. I agree that the bride's side performed their ceremonies shabbily, but really.... the groom's family is partly responsible for kicking back and just expecting everything to go perfectly without any coordination. Without planning, what did they expect? Weddings are often complicated and multi ceremony affairs, so obviously without communication between the two people getting married, it would end up like this. If they didn't like the way the bride's family was handling things, they should have stood up for themselves or talked with the couple.

    But as long as the bride and groom are happy with the way things went, that's all that should matter. The bride and groom's parents had their own weddings back in the day... so this wasn't THEIR wedding. It was the couple's wedding. And if the couple was happy without the welcoming or bidaai ceremony, then I don't see why this has to turn into a big issue.

    I feel Indians tie way too much importance to weddings and ceremonies and totally lose sight of what a wedding is really all about. Yeah, it sucks that the wedding sucked. But the religious union of the couple was still formed, all the rest of it like welcoming ceremony is just pompous fanfare. If the respective parents want to cary a grudge against each other, they are only hurting themselves. I hope the couple tries their best to sooth hurt feelings on both sides so everyone can MOVE ON.
     
  4. yesican

    yesican Gold IL'ite

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    "After the wedding, usually the girl is formally given away to the in-laws (girl's hand in the in-laws hand - a symbolic entrusting of a girl to the in-laws). Here while the groom's ppl were waiting for that ceremony, the bride's mom comes and tells them to leave as it is late and just said bye and walked away!!"

    Im very glad the brides side left out this old-fashioned tradition. The bride and the grrom are marrying are each other, the bride is not marrying the mom in law and the dad in law and sundry other in laws! Both bride and groom sound like they are educated professionals living independently, why do you think the bride needs to be
    "given away to the inlaws"? The bride and the groom need to be "given away to each other if at all there is some "given away" to be done. I am aghast that an educated, young individual like yourself(my assumptions) would have supported all this nonsense about girls family has to come and greet, girl has to be given away to inlaws, girls has to move out to in-laws family immeditaely after marriage etc etc. So what if the bride has the guts and the brains to decide for herself what sort of marriage she wants? Is that bad? does she always have to bow her head and nod like an dumb person to whatever marriage plans her in-laws family makes? Looks the groom had no problems with whatever was going on, so what's YOUR problem?? I'm assuming the groom is equally educated, independendent as the bride is, I'm assuming he is gainfully employed, so he cant be too "stupid" as you ahve mentioned to just nod along with whatever was going on. Seems like he was OK with his own marriage, and you are asssuming he is "stupid" because he was happy with his own marriage. Yes politeness and courtesy to guests are important, but seems like to me the ladkewalla are pissed off they couldnt puff up with the the imp of the ladkewalla as the bride's side didnt fawn all over you guys.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 10, 2010
  5. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    I was avoiding posting as I thought I would be the only one who thinks differently .
    This is what I think-
    • The Bride and groom should be important on wedding day ...not guests or families.
    • We need to look at the big picture and not focus on small things.
    • If the groom was ok with this set up then anyone should not have a problem with it.
    Actually even the actual marriage ritual consists of few Key things that the priests usually go through. Whatever i s done post or pre wedding are just celebrations that people do to create a joyous occassion.

    In India we focus a lot on everyone else's happiness than the wedded couple's and then make their life a hell by commenting on their love ones. We need to leave it to the couple to plan and execute their wedding and help them in any possible way.

    I do understand that the OP felt bad as the wedding did not go as anticipated. These things happens in weddings. Just let go and hope that the couple is happy and their life is prosperous.

    I agree with ASG that instead of complaining..just stand up for yourself and talk .

    Sorry if I hurt you but thats how I feel.

    FL
     
  6. Ranchu

    Ranchu Local Champion Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Yeah I totally agree with FoundLove. its the couple's wedding, those 2 people should decide how the rituals should be performed.
    Parents have their own side of story (rather ramblings and laments) , ultimately I never got to speak to my hubby during the "special" moment.

    ( i had planned to say my part of Vows and wanted to atleast wish him "welcome to a happy life together with me" :rotfl)
    I was dizzy due to hunger and hurrying up to get to the Registration office and ultimately we never got to take a single pic in our traditional dress :rant

    A side note to my kid - dear child, if you ever get to know ur mom was an avid member of IL and if you accidentally stumble on this post, please make sure me and dad gets a nice pic during our 60th kalyanam LOL!
     
  7. APassionateOne

    APassionateOne New IL'ite

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    ha..ha..ha...I expected people jumping up here to tear me down! I am always a part of such bandwagon to give my opinions.

    But I am not talking about shabby traditions in weddings or anything. I am talking about the civility of both sides of the wedding towards eachother during the wedding. Yes, only the bride and groom are getting married, so why involve parents etc right? Why don't they just get a marriage certificate alone somewhere!!!

    The wedding (Without any Malice, without any doubts of ill-treating in-laws and anticipation of future problems etc)..a wedding is a celebration of two individuals and their familes of them coming together in love and harmony. It is commom curtesy to invite your would-be relatives. It is a simple loving gesture to say that "our girl is your girl too from this day on and so is your boy ours". It is just out of love and happiness. Too many bad marriages have changed the very meaning of these traditions.

    Here in this wedding, they made a list of things to be done, which was agreed by both parties before the wedding. It is just that the girl's party totally ignored the list during the wedding out of dislike of this alliance itself (Reason - the groom's family is educated but not rich enough to be their relatives). And the groom's parents are too modest to demand at the wedding that things should be in certain way. It doesn't look that good if educated and mature people go about shouting and demanding things while a wedding is progress.

    But Well..if you are soft and civil, then people will take you for granted!

    Yes, the boy is certainly stupid in my view, when he comes home to india after 2 years and he spends one day with his parents. What happened to the love of mom and dad and sister? Why do some boys act like that?

    And look at how you all have already classified the groom's parents!
    Just because they are a boy's parents, won't they have any feelings for their son? won't they want to get to know their DIL for a day? Why should their feeling be squished totally!

    I definately think that the boy should have said something like, "let us spend a day with my family after the wedding etc". So much for missing the only son all the while and so much for preparing for his wedding from weeks ahead, going to wherever the girl's parents asked them to come for procedures and shopping. So much for all that.

    The boy and girl are back in US, girl's parents are happy that the couple spent the whole 10 days with them. It is only the boy's parents who remember seeing their son, but cannot recall spending time with him.

    By the way, why do you all think that a wedding (especially in many cases in india), the way of wedding is decided by the bride and the groom? May be not all girls and guys are such decision makers (due to lack of time or knowledge about the wedding procedures). Here in this wedding, the guy and the girl didn't have any inputs. They landed the plane and got married. The entire show was run by the parents. And while it is, what it is..I wish the show was run equally by both parents in harmomy. Not like this - a one side showing and a coup by the bride's party.


    Just because we are women, we should not blindly defend everybody and anybody. Not all groom's parents are psychos and crazy evil ppl. They are people like my friend's family, who are very soft and sensitive to other needs and feelings. I guess, only those kinds of ppl end up with a bad taste in their mouths.
     
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2010
  8. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    If that's how the bride and groom wanted their wedding to go, why do YOU have so much problem with it??? It was THEIR big day. Not their parents, not their inlaws, not their uncles, aunts, cousins, friends, or friend's of siblings.

    Last time I checked, most people take a honeymoon after their wedding. As in, the couple is free to do whatever THEY want. If they wanted to spend most of their time with the bride's family or a clan of monkeys under a banyan tree.... THAT'S THEIR CHOICE!!! Maybe they plan on returning soon for a longer visit with the groom's family. That's their business, not yours. You shouldn't judge people's personal choices when you don't know what you're talking about. Love of mom, dad, and sister? I thought the honeymoon period was about a different type of love than THAT.

    What part of bride AND GROOM did you not understand? I think it is the COUPLE's right to decide how/when/where they will conduct their wedding and how/when/where they will spend their time afterwards. I don't see anyone defending just the bride. Seems the majority of ladies defended the COUPLE's right to make their own decisions.

    If the groom's parents desire for the perfect wedding has not been satisfied, I suggest that they (his parents) get married again themselves, in the way they want. Or if your friend has such an issue with how her brother's wedding went down, let her get married and do things the way she wants at her OWN wedding.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 10, 2010
  9. APassionateOne

    APassionateOne New IL'ite

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    Hello ladies, I am sorry that you are so bitter. But you don't have to be so. Yes, it is unfortunate for the parents and the family, that the boy didn't feel the need to spend time with them (or couldn't speak up and tell the dominating in-laws)...

    I posted this post to highlight that there are all kinds of ppl who either don't know how to handle things and hurt others OR who do these thoughtless things wantedly and hurt others.

    I don't see why the couple have to have their Honeymoon (all the last three days of their stay in India) at the bride's place (and NOT even a day at the groom's place in the same city), when they both are coming back to US to the same house, in which they lived together for last 2 year. But again, it was all up to the boy and girl like you said.

    For the record, I am a classmate of the boy's cousin. He and I went to the same college. I am not with the sister (Oh..my..may be she is supporting the evil SIL!!!)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 10, 2010
  10. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    *sigh* which one of us do you think supported the bride's family or bashed the groom's family? I think most of our shock is coming from the fact that you, a GUEST at that wedding, would be critiquing the ceremonies performed and how the bride and groom spent their time after the wedding. You remind me of the guests who come to weddings and are like, "WHAT??? ONLY 2 types of sweets?? There should be 10!"

    Even I have a brother so I guess someday I'll be the 'grooms family' too... but that doesn't change my views that a wedding is about the COUPLE, not satisfying the crowds need for fanfare.

    The bride and her family made the plans, but obviously the groom LIKED those plans or he would have stepped in and changed something. They're already living together and in love, so I would imagine they are not afraid to be frank with each other. Did you ever consider the possibility that the GROOM actually liked the wedding??

    If the parents are feeling hurt that their son didn't spend his honeymoon with them, then maybe they should talk with him about when he and his new wife can return to India for a visit. There's no point in holding grudges against each other, when they can just talk it out and plan a second visit.

    Oddly enough, seems like weddings always make SOMEBODY unhappy. Some entrepanuer in India should capitalize on that fact and conduct mock weddings, so everyone who was ever pissed about how a wedding was conducted could pay to attend the mock wedding and get the chip off their shoulder. In your case, instead of paying for the whole wedding, they could put together a special guest package... like welcoming ceremony + bidaai. :rotfl
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 10, 2010
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