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This is what my H tells often to my LO

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by DrKadambari, May 24, 2012.

  1. DrKadambari

    DrKadambari Gold IL'ite

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    Swife, i expect absolutely NOTHING. Not even trying to please him or impress him, He does not need anything, he can live with frozen patties or readymade salad. Pampering myself and dressing up well and all I always do and continue to be so.. HIS Help while I fall sick absolutely no, max he can say is if you are not cooking lunch dont worry then i can eat out, u fix your meal. (he would not bother abt me) .

    RadiantCat - What if I leave, I have to handle A to Z on my own, i cant be in US if i declare this marriage over - then go back to India empty hands and get back to parents house to give me accommodation and start life from scratch... nope i dont want to do that.

    Hi Vaidehi, thank you for your reply, I just updated my old thread with the latest thing happening in my life.. read my latest post of what he is up to.
     
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  2. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    it is definitely a kind of addiction. that is the reason we hv to curtail the no of hrs our children are on media and associated activities.i saw a documentary where there are rehab facilities which deal with kids with just such issues. u need to consult a psychologist and go for counselling
     
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  3. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    DrK,

    I absolutely understand when you say you don't want to start from the scratch.
    You mentioned that you are taking up a course that would help you secure better job opportunities in future. So for now concentrate on that and start saving up as much as possible once you get a better paying job.

    Then if your husband still behaves the same (which I think he would be) have a heart to heart talk with him and say if he remains the same you rather walk out of the marriage. Of course it's never going to be easy but it's better to cry out your feelings for few days, weeks or months and turn over a new leaf rather than being emotionally and mentally tortured daily.
     
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  4. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    DrK,Hugs to you dear!Like FL said,some men are not marriage material.
    I do not know what to say.You have so much of patience.Hats off to you.Living like a room mate with the hubby needs a lot of effort emotionally.

    Did you try teaming up with your kid and ignoring your husband so that he gets jealous.This works out sometimes when the husband feels left out in the same house.Do you have an option of hanging out with your friends more than your hubby?
     
  5. beanstalk

    beanstalk Gold IL'ite

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    Dear kadambri,

    I am so baffled and mad at your husband's words. How can a father be so mean? Since it seems he is too far gone, here is bit of advice on the pertinent matter. Next time, he says these words, go next to him and ask him to imagine exactly what he is saying. Can he imagine his daughter dying or his wife killing him? Potray the scene in his mind in detail or else you potray it in words for him and potray it ruthlessly and as painful as you can manage. Ask him, is this what you want. Tell him sometimes you get just what you want, there is saraswati on every person's tounge.
    If he has an ounce of love for his daughter, next time he tries to say it, he will remember the image and refrain himself.
    Also, when he behaves so, pick up your daughter and say, atleast she should get one Parent's love.

    I am so hurt by your husband's words. Some people just throw words without understanding their emphasis. To emotionally harass you, he is hurting his daughter so badly.
     
  6. arch1209

    arch1209 Platinum IL'ite

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    DrKadambari

    I really don't know what advice or suggestion to give you but I just wanted to say that you have a lot of patience, courage, resilience and strength. When your LO grows up she is going to be very proud of you. However, I worry if all this work and home troubles will stress you out and may affect your psychological and physical health. I can understand that your husband refuses to come for counselling, is there any way family could intervene or is that out of question altogether?
    I have a friend who has similar issues, the way she deals with is she does not spend anytime with the husband. She expects nothing from him and goes with her daughter everywhere. She goes to mommy and me events, I know this is not a solution but I think she keeps herself happy with that.
    I think the short term solution would be to sit down and have a chat with him and tell him that you are unable to focus on work and home both, maybe put your foot down and tell him that either he needs to help you out or you have no choice but to leave your little one at day care all the time. Sending you happy thoughts
     
  7. ineedhelp

    ineedhelp New IL'ite

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mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> [FONT=&quot]DrKadambari, when I read your post I felt that my husband is just like your husband. He also comes home from work and sits with his gadgets, sometimes iphone, sometimes tv, mostly laptop, and sometimes all three together. I also have 2 yr old son. My H plays with him for 15 mins and thinks that his responsibility is over. Until today, he has never shown interest in buying any toys for my son. Whatever toys are there, I bought from here and there, secondhand sales, and some toys our relatives gave of their kids who are grown up now. My H never likes my son playing with toys because my son spreads all the toys in the room and they come under my H's feet. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]I don't know how to drive so I can't even go to library for storytime or some activities for my son. I am totally dependent on my H to take me everywhere, but I have never asked him to take me shopping or even to parlour. I do eyebrow threading and waxing at home itself. He gets irritated if I ask him to even bring diapers and milk for my son, saying he is so tired. But if he is tired he can take a nap, instead he will sit on phone playing games or sit with laptop reading all nonsense political news and making comments on those online news articles. That time if my son cries or asks for something, he gets irritated on him. I have told him why don't you go and sit in bedroom and close the door, so he won't disturb you, he says no I want to sit here only. Now if a 36 year old man cannot understand, how can i make a 2 year old understand? And now my son has started following everything his father says or does. I am going into depression in this country. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]I am only child of parents and even if they get a doubt that I am not happy, they feel very guilty that they found such a bad groom for me. Both my parents are having old age diseases and I don't want them to know all this about my life so I just act when I call them. I have not even called them to stay with us because of this issues. They came only for delivery and I sent them back in 2 months because I could not maintain acting anymore and they understood something is wrong from my H's expressions. At that time H used to roam with friends and come home at 2 at night every weekend. My baby was only 1 week old and my mother even asked me at that time - his son is only 1 week old and we are also here and even then he is roaming outside like this, any problem is there? But my parents didn’t ask anything further after I said no problem is there.[/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]My H says he loves me but he only wants one thing from me all the time – that is physical relation. I am always so tired and I don’t show interest so he says I am moody and I am not jovial and I take everything seriously and create issues. I told him all women are moody because of hormone changes, and he says even if I have some changes I should not show them outside. I am not a robot to keep doing mechanical things without showing emotions.

    Sorry I am writing long post but after seeing DrKadambari's post I really felt that she was describing my life. Only difference is that I don't work. So I understand how much pressure she must be having.

    I am only waiting for EAD as I am in H4 now, but even that looks very difficult as my husband does not have birth certificate and they are trying to get it since one year but they are not able to get it in India in his native village. I don't have option to go back to India because my parents will get shock and my in-laws will not support me at all. My parents are not well to do and I dont want to depend on them. I am feeling very lonely today.

    I am really looking for marriage counselor, but I cannot go outside the house because I cant drive and I dont think my H will like to take me for counseling sessions. Can anyone tell of counselor who takes online sessions? Please help me.
    [/FONT]
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2012
  8. Flyhighbluesky

    Flyhighbluesky Silver IL'ite

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    DrK, Can you ignore him completely??? that means totally neglecting him! A person who spends so much time on a stupid game has switched off a side of his Brain!!! and you need to switch it back on! Spend more time with yr kid! Do minimal work at home and manage your hours of sleep! swich off your ears when it comes to his comments and reason to him that you're too stressed out!

    And try not to care about how he's gonna handle it! he doesnt seem to care abt how yr handling it right??
     
  9. bhappy

    bhappy Silver IL'ite

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    I need help, You have exactly described what's happened in my life and sometimes happen. I don't work and and I can't drive. Life gets very frustrating for me too and my daughter is my life. I am having the same problem with my parents like you and they feel bad for me. But my DH is a nice man in terms of taking me for shopping and beauty parlour and buying me whatever i want. even we don't buy too many toys for our DD but we buy whatever is necessary.

    My DH does job around the house depending on his mood. If he is in the right mood he will do everything around the house and help me alottttttttttttttttt. but sometimes if gets glued to that laptop it's hard to get him out of it which does happen most of the time. I somehow feel the indian men are not bought up doing chores. They never even have the slightest idea on how they can get involved in our kitchen work and always expect us to carry a smile no matter how or what our feelings are.

    I just want you to know that you are not alone and lot of indian women out there are facing this on everyday basis.
     
  10. melaiene

    melaiene Bronze IL'ite

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    i am shocked to read this. I dont know where ur based, can u plz tell me where ur based,coz in some countries there are womens help cell like in US. u can just call and they help u no matter what. I read a similar story of a lady back in US on the TV on a programme of Aamir Khan on satyamev jayate, i guess first episode of his. Plz if ur in US and could try to go to his video of the first episode,he gave a helpline number or tht lady gave a helpline name in US. plz call them if ur introuble.
     

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