This is what my H tells often to my LO

DrKadambari · May 24, 2012

I have a 2 year old who pretty much is an understanding kid. I have a full time work from home job and my toddler goes to day care only half a day (bcas H thinks, she sleeps 2nd half there, so she can do it at home) its a hectic schedule for me, once she is back in the afternoon, H fetches her and comes home i have to keep lunch ready for him too and then i have to feed her, she plays for a while and then put her to sleep... so my about 2 hours of the work time is gone. I would be under pressure when I get calls when she is around. After work i make dinner, feed her, i eat, clean, dishes, and put her to sleep. She takes time to sleep so its like 10 or so and i would be all exhausted. She is like another part of my body who would always keep a tab on me, and i have to be around her, this is even when i am in restroom. This is bcas, H doesnt much attach to her. He loves her is what he says but its all periodic.

When she is not sleeping for long in night, i get really tired and leave her in room and come out seldom though, she cries, after long H goes and says mom wdnt come, sleep, she continuous to cry for me he says - you will die if you cry like this. He uses this kind of words than trying to pacify her or say your mom will kill you dont go to her. This irritates me so so much, sometimes i just dont say anything it just raises my anger, mostly i go and lift her if he is saying so. It hurts so badly for saying such words to own kid. How could he do that.

He is person who can sit with his phone or laptop no matter how much ever she cries or she is hurt or anything. He would be deaf.

Every work at home has to be done by me, even shopping grocery carrying all that upstairs to laundry, throwing thrash, fixing anything thats not working at home, cleaning, vacuum, all he does is sit with laptop evenings and on all week ends. Only thing he does is to bathe her.

I have developed enormous amount of patience and just put myself into ignore mode. We hardly fight, when there is argument, we speak back as if nothing happened. All these after reading thru lot other posts here. But these words he says to kid is so hurtful... why cant he have some sense ???

renutn · May 24, 2012

Dear,
After reading your post ur H seems to be like how most other indian male who thinks household activity/ bringing up child are all wife's work .
He uses very weird words which is not pleasant to hear for anyone.
I can suggest you to hire a nanny for full time / part time she takes care of baby from morning to evening so that you can work freely. You tell to ur H in US job is important for the security of your family that required work dedication full time .
And meantime talk to your H to talk good things to kid as kid is going to pick up what elders talk and do.

jayavk · May 24, 2012

hi,
I agree with renutn, you better get a nanny or a maid. once you are off the routine chores you will not only be able to concentrate better on your work you will even be able to spend quality time with your daughter. As far as DH is concerned as along as he has Indian upbringing don't expect him to do anything. if he is bathing her that's bonus. But from my personal experience I can say that except for a few most men feel they have little to contribute when the kid is small. my DH was the same, but when my daughter turned 3 and started having conversations with him things changed. so try to get them do things together like play or shop or go to daycare together. things will change soon, you continue with your patience. get some domestic help it will do you good.

jmsd · May 24, 2012

Dear OP

Your H is pushing your buttons.And he knows well how to push them.
Just like your toddler knows how to get tings done from you by throwing tantrums,you H is doing exactly the same by saying stuff and you react.
God !! I am more often than not amazed ,what are we Indian women going through in marriages!!
I also agree,however lavish it may seem,get a nanny or housemaid for you.
There is little hope that your husband will change overnight,it will needs years of working upon.
Don't kill yourself in the meantime.
Get help for yourself !!

blessed · May 24, 2012

I can understand that you H is lazy to the core, he uses such meaningless words so you will act immediately and he can either sleep peacefully or sit with the lap top undisturbed. Your problem is temporary since ur DD is only two she may need you with her 24/7 for may be another one year, once she joins regular school she will be in her own world and later have her own friend's circle, so just relax a few more years from now you will be relieved from these problems.
I am telling this from my very own experience, my DH use to leave for work at 8 am and comes back at 8 pm , my MIL would nevr lift my DD even when she is hurt and crying, believe me I use to cook holding my dd in my hips or place her cradle in the kitchen simultaneously watching her while cooking, all my MIL did was to complain to my DH that I dont know how to take care of LO , its so.. annoying but some times we have to bear it all...

omsrisai · May 24, 2012

It is a better idea to go for a nanny until your DD can do things on her own,you can also do your work peacefully when a nanny can take care of your DD.
Its really difficult to hear the words that you DH says to your DD..she may get frightened in herself within,so ask him to stop saying those kind of hard words to your DD.

apaasn · May 24, 2012

Your work life is too hectic and is spoiling your relationship with your family.
That's not very good,all Indian husbands are as what you described,they can be mended.First you need to build a good relationship with your husband.Have you thought about quitting your job for a while? Think about it,you can always get a job but these years are the foundation for your daughters life.
It's your choice,even though I am also a career minded woman,good in studies,very modern I quit my career to take care of my child and even though it was so hard initially as some time
Passes I could enjoy my child,cook peacefully and have a
Good life with my husband.

If I were in your place I would talk to my husband about leaving my job,send the kid to daycare half day for 3 days of the week,take some time for yourself,cook for your daughter and husband,goto the gym,make family picnic plans and friends get together.Sometimes in life when we are stuck with lazy husbands trust me most of them are the same,no point getting angry over this now.,we have to lose something to win something!

flowerlady · May 24, 2012

Dear OP,
Please be kind and gentle with your little one , you are her Mom after all and she is just 2 years old. Children, even babies are very sensitive and can sense resentment thats why she cries so much at bedtime.
Cut down on your work , soon enough your DD will be more manageable and then you can increase your workload.
She should be your priority unless you resent her presence.
Bringing her home from day care in the afternoon is good idea as she is at home but you dislike missing 2 hours of work!
You can delegate certain amount of chores to your DH , cut down on your work but take care of your child with love.
It appears that bringing up a kid is onerous and burdensome to you that's why your DH says those things to her.She must be cute at 2 , enjoy her childhood, work can come later.
Employ some help, a babysitter for a much needed break but love your kid.
JMO.

DrKadambari · May 24, 2012

Nanny option is ruled out, he wants LO to go half day so that money is saved. I am in a start up job and earn much like stipend out of which 80% I spend for house hold expenses, no regrets, peace is more important than money. I keep a little as savings for a rainy day. (H has no savings)

My job is not overloaded. I start work after LO goes to day care 9 am, by 11.30 i have to fix lunch, 12ish LO is back lunch then engage her into some task or play its 2.30, 3 pm. I cant make any calls during this time, my work involves lots of phone calls. 3 to 5 or 5.30 i work depending on her sleep. Then get on to making dinner.

Me and kiddoo usually are fun filled, we always speak to each other have good time. Its not a daily thing that i leave her in her room and she cries, its a rear scene though i have no Me time even at 10 or 11 in the night daily. Even on those days when i am down, H breaks me more by those words.

I started work after like 4 years of wedding bcas of various reasons. H wants me to get on to better paying jobs. I dont even get time to make my cv peacefully.

Absolute no emotional support nor physical but these hurtful words.

Blessed - its so draining till i get there / till my kid is big enough. Some emotional support atleast would boost, even thats not there.