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This Is What I’m Going Through So Long With No Solution

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by indubalram, Nov 17, 2021.

  1. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Gas lighting. Nothing else
    Only two methods
    IGNORE. Dont give any reaction. Act deaf. He expect you to reply. So, dont fall into his trap. Just give a blank look or who cares attitude in your face. He knows that it will affect you well. Thats why he talks this way. I think he talks about himself than you. He put his blame on you. Its a very controlling or manipulating behavior.
    By this way you can avoid wasting your energy and further issues You need a strong mindset to ignore it.

    Second is to call him out. You can tell him- If you think that way, you can, I dont care or I think you are feeling guilty that you didn't contribute anything. Thats why you talk this way. If he asks for your opinon on anything, let him decide. But if its going to affect your life in anyway, be firm and stick with what you want.
    But for this, you need much strength, observe him and be in an alert mode.
    But it can lead to argunents and more problems. If you can handle, show his place and your boundary. There are many self help videos in youtube on gas lighting. May help you.
    He knows how to make you dance to his tunes. You have to show him that it wont work again .

    I gather from your posts that your self esteem is very low. You need lot of validation, affirmation and acceptance. This could be due to your personality or the side effect of years of emotional abuse.

    You have lot of experience living here. But I wonder, why you think you are so unaware of every thing. If you dont know, use google to find counsellors in your area. If you are employed, enquire about EAP( example -
    Employee Assistance Program (EAP) Information for Providers - Humana). Your admin will help you. If you contact, they will give you a list of counsellors or therapists. Also cover a few sections free. Rest can be covered by your health insurance if your therapist agrees.

    You dont need to inform your husband or anybody about it. But I feel you need to heal your mind to move ahead and to get some closure .You need someone to talk to. So I suggest you to try counselling . It may give you clarity. Also, EAP can give legal or financial or more help. Please explore. Go for therapy to help yoursslf. Its a normal thing in USA.

    You have mentioned in your earlier posts that you dont have any friends. Did anyone stop you from social interaction? Did your husband isolate you. In that case the issue is abuse.

    But no one can help you until you decide to help yourself. You need to gain independence in all aspects before you think about your retirement or any other future plans as your husband is not there for you the way you want. Even if he is there, you need to have a healthy, positive mindset to move ahead. Right now, its shadowed by negativity and insecurity. I wish you to come out of this situation and lead a peaceful, happy & healthy life.
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2021
    Mistt, Rihana, Laks09 and 1 other person like this.
  2. indubalram

    indubalram Platinum IL'ite

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    Ok I will contact eap through my he next week and see what happens from then on. I will keep u updated. I want to update Bc I need your advice every now and then. Thanks
     
  3. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Good luck. I suggest you to search for counsellors in your area and the EAP
    will approve it, if they are in this network. You can also find anyone with Indian background. May help you to connect well. But if you are not happy with one, you can switch to another counsellor anytime.
     
  4. indubalram

    indubalram Platinum IL'ite

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    I’m just afraid that they may say it’s a very trivial issue and u should be able to sort it out with your husband.
     
  5. chanchitra

    chanchitra Gold IL'ite

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    no. they will not. dont be scared.
     
  6. chanchitra

    chanchitra Gold IL'ite

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    Try to find someone with indian background. If not also , any American counselor will understand. They will not ridicule you.
    I go to a American Dr whose parents were from Bangladesh. She very well understood me.
     
  7. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    you are showing signs of chronic depression. take help as other Ils suggested. You might need low dosage of medication, it helps with anxiety and overthinking, which you are clearly displaying here.
     
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  8. indubalram

    indubalram Platinum IL'ite

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    I contacted them with not much help
     
  9. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Can you elaborate? Whom did you contact? Your admin or EAP. Who is your EAP provider? Is it humana?

    I havent used it, but my collegues have used it. If you provide info, I can enquire. If its humana, call the phone number, tell them clearly that you are looking for counsellers or therapists. They generally help to find one in your area. Or find counsellors (google , indian background can help) and ask them how to use your insurance for this. Explore. May be your family doctor can also suggest one.
     
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2021
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  10. indubalram

    indubalram Platinum IL'ite

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