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This is all about my IL's.... advice me

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by suni12tummala, Dec 14, 2009.

  1. suni12tummala

    suni12tummala New IL'ite

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    Hello Ladies,

    <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <u1:WordDocument> <u1:View>Normal</u1:View> <u1:Zoom>0</u1:Zoom> <u1:punctuationKerning/> <u1:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <u1:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</u1:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <u1:IgnoreMixedContent>false</u1:IgnoreMixedContent> <u1:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</u1:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <u1:Compatibility> <u1:BreakWrappedTables/> <u1:SnapToGridInCell/> <u1:WrapTextWithPunct/> <u1:UseAsianBreakRules/> <u1:DontGrowAutofit/> </u1:Compatibility> <u1:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</u1:BrowserLevel> </u1:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <u2:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </u2:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]-->To start about my IL’s, not understanding[​IMG] from where to start with. These are very small issues but still hurt meee. When I try to share with my DH, again it makes a big clutter in our lives.
    <u3:p></u3:p>
    <u3:p></u3:p>My IL’s visit us frequently, we both are working as soon as we leave they start checking cupboards and almaras for bills and other valuable things which I have purchased in their absence, but they pretend to us that they are putting things in order, they showoff others that they are trying to help us, but they are just checking the expenditures. I appreciate they concern, if it is genuine but they ask me explanation for every bill starting from electricity, grocery, my sari or footwear etc., if I buy a new sari, or why does we have utilized more electricity due to which we got more bill this month or they check credit card bills and so on……….so this time, before they visit I have put all my things in proper place to avoid them to do so. But to my surprise they have again checked everything and when I have come back form work, they said that they have arranged the cupboard. I want to say u guys that they will arrange only one particular almara and cupboard where I will keep my valuable things rest everything no change and if rest of the house all in mess they never bother. [​IMG]
    <u3:p></u3:p>
    <u3:p></u3:p>Some times they abuse my parents also; my father has some health problems. And recently he has to undergo with a brain operation, long back he met by an accident so some vein has blocked I believe it’s not a hereditary but these ppl ask how many of your relatives have this problem. <!--[if gte vml 1]><v:shapetype id="_x0000_t75" coordsize="21600,21600" o:spt="75" o:preferrelative="t" path="m@4@5l@4@11@9@11@9@5xe" filled="f" stroked="f"> <v:stroke joinstyle="miter"/> <v:formulas> <v:f eqn="if lineDrawn pixelLineWidth 0"/> <v:f eqn="sum @0 1 0"/> <v:f eqn="sum 0 0 @1"/> <v:f eqn="prod @2 1 2"/> <v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelWidth"/> <v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelHeight"/> <v:f eqn="sum @0 0 1"/> <v:f eqn="prod @6 1 2"/> <v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelWidth"/> <v:f eqn="sum @8 21600 0"/> <v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelHeight"/> <v:f eqn="sum @10 21600 0"/> </v:formulas> <v:path o:extrusionok="f" gradientshapeok="t" o:connecttype="rect"/> <o:lock v:ext="edit" aspectratio="t"/> </v:shapetype><v:shape id="_x0000_i1025" type="#_x0000_t75" alt="" style='width:20.25pt; height:16.5pt'> <v:imagedata src="file:///C:\DOCUME~1\sunithag\LOCALS~1\Temp\msohtml1\01\clip_image001.gif" o:href="http://www.indusladies.com/forums/images/smilies/bowdown.gif"/> </v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]-->:drowning

    <u3:p></u3:p>Recently to my 6 months old baby, we made Annaprasanam ritual (where first time we feed her rice/ food). My FIL calling us one by one for feeding her , the list starts as below 1) MIL 2) FIL 3) DH 4) BIL-1&2 5) Mee, I was the last , actually they forgot to call me then some one told so they realized that I have to feed my child. They think that im not part of their family. I think mother is the first person to feed a baby or elders first is ok, if after my DH they would have called me, but BIL are younger to me. <!--[if gte vml 1]><v:shape id="_x0000_i1026" type="#_x0000_t75" alt="" style='width:23.25pt;height:15pt'> <v:imagedata src="file:///C:\DOCUME~1\sunithag\LOCALS~1\Temp\msohtml1\01\clip_image002.gif" o:href="http://www.indusladies.com/forums/images/smilies/rant.gif"/> </v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]-->[​IMG]

    <u3:p></u3:p>I have mentioned few, these acts of IL’s hurts and disturb my happy life a lot, if I ask my DH about it he admits their mistake, im happy for that.
    <u3:p></u3:p>
    <u3:p></u3:p>If I abandon<!--[if gte vml 1]><v:shape id="_x0000_i1027" type="#_x0000_t75" alt="" style='width:22.5pt;height:22.5pt'> <v:imagedata src="file:///C:\DOCUME~1\sunithag\LOCALS~1\Temp\msohtml1\01\clip_image003.gif" o:href="http://www.indusladies.com/forums/images/smilies/bonk.gif"/> </v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--> [​IMG]all these, other wise my IL’s are good, when compared to other folks IL’s acts mentioned in this forum (no physical harassment, but mentally they are disturbing)
    <u3:p></u3:p>
    <u3:p></u3:p>I know these are temporary turmoil, but leaves major pockmark on our relationship, In my 2 years of experience I have learned that we have to overlook all this simple issues and subsist our life happily.
    <u3:p></u3:p>
    <u3:p></u3:p>Some times I feel very depress and go mad when I recall this, im posting this to know from all u folks how to avoid these disturbances. <!--[if gte vml 1]><v:shape id="_x0000_i1028" type="#_x0000_t75" alt="" style='width:21pt;height:12.75pt'> <v:imagedata src="file:///C:\DOCUME~1\sunithag\LOCALS~1\Temp\msohtml1\01\clip_image004.gif" o:href="http://www.indusladies.com/forums/images/smilies/icon_spin.gif"/> </v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]-->[​IMG]

    <u3:p></u3:p>Please pour in to your views. Awaiting [​IMG]
    <u3:p></u3:p>
    <u3:p></u3:p>-Sunitha <!--[if gte vml 1]><v:shape id="_x0000_i1029" type="#_x0000_t75" alt="" style='width:21.75pt;height:15.75pt'> <v:imagedata src="file:///C:\DOCUME~1\sunithag\LOCALS~1\Temp\msohtml1\01\clip_image005.gif" o:href="http://www.indusladies.com/forums/images/smilies/coffee.gif"/> </v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]-->
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2009
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  2. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    My ILs did the same scanning for our spendings but once I mentioned when 4 of us were sitting.. I really wonder why do parents/ ILs want to keep a track on spendings by their kids (citied my parents to bro issue )... and I guess that message was conveyed.

    Typical ILs love to abuse DIL's parents & ridicule their health condition - my personal experience.. hence I dont feel that they need information any further abu my parents/ fly.

    Typical ILs dont consider DIL as their family & we have to live with it.

    They do much more.. the only way to happy life is ignoring them... & keeping communication to minimal.
     
  3. aparnag

    aparnag Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear inlaws are a pain....
    relax.
    just remember you are not the only one undergoing this...
    i had same problems..
    but now i stopped caring for all those are of no use
     
  4. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Suni

    I think they have no reason to question your expenditure when u are earning I feel its non of their business, u are mature enough to know how much to spend and how much to save.

    Make sure you lock your cuboards or alimarhs and keep the keys out of their reach, this will show them that you dont like them intruding your privacy.

    Yeah regarding health issues, even in my case my MIL once asked me to get my stomach scanned just because I get regular menstral period stomach ache, she told me so because my dads sister expired of stomach cancer and may be she thought I have chances of getting it.On the contrary her mother died of throat cancer and father also in some cancer, her entire family have history of diabetis ,hypertension, arthritis etc
    But she acts as if only my family people are prone to diseases and they are very very healthy.
     
  5. feduptocore

    feduptocore Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Dear ... you are not the only one... most of us have this problem during the visits... and otherwise the DH is questioned on the phone... about the expenditure...
    Infact we send MIL money every month and NEVER ask for the expenditure... but she is always prying and spying...she will even open and read our mail!!... Conclusion I've arrived at is the .." All PIL think that its their personal right to know all that happens in their son's house becoz otherwise their son's( that includes your salary conveniently) hard earned money will be spent frivolously by the DIL!!!... This year becoz of recession we didn't get our Diwali Bonus.. So she told DH "How come every year she gets bonus and this year she didn't... maybe she didn't tell you".:rant:rant:rant.. what cheek..
    But look at it in this way once they are away you get your sanity back... Also what I started doing is that I carry and keep most of the bills etc at office for the period she is around...
    Well can go on and on and on and on.....
    K
     
  6. ArchanaKrishnan

    ArchanaKrishnan Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I can really understand how u feel, when u are never considered a member of the family, even after so many long years of marriage.
    But, i think u are still in a better position compared to many of us in the Indian society, where we stay with our in-laws, 24X7. Just imagine how bad it could have been if they would stay with you all the 365 days a year. So, i feel, u should still be not cribing since u they visit you once in a while. Just think that they are plain duffers who have come into your life for a few moments and just ignore them.
     
  7. albeli

    albeli New IL'ite

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    oh yeah i remember, a month after our wedding my FIL asked us to maintain a diary and note all our expenses and then he would ask us to compare last months expenses with this months and find out the reason why there is a diff. @ the end of the second month i understood the purpose and stopped writing my side of the expenses which stopped the whole process.
     
  8. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    Suni,

    How about you lock up the cupboards and almirahs in your room where you usually keep bills,saris,valuable things etc. Lock up and take the keys with you when you go to work. If they ask, just tell that with all the news of robbery etc, it is safer to keep things locked up.

    Couple of things about bills that may help -

    1) For things for which online bills would suffice, you can do away with the paper bills.

    2) For stuff that you have no plans of exchanging, see if you really want to keep all the bills. If it is for tallying the expenses of the month, why not try to do that in a excel sheet (and password protect it) and save?

    3) If you have a personal computer, see if you can start keeping monthly accounts on that instead of writing it in a book.

    Do not entertain questions like - "Why did you buy a new sari?".You are not accountable to them for these things. Just reply - "Because I liked that sari".

    Incase they offer to help you rearrange the almirahs and cupboards, politely refuse by saying that -"Thanks, but it is easier for me to find stuff when I arrange myself."
     
  9. swaram

    swaram Senior IL'ite

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    Lock up the cupboards and if possible lock your room when you leave to work. You can also tell them directly that you don't like them snooping into your private matters and your bedroom is off limits.

    I keep a notebook where I record my monthly exp. many years ago, once my kid was playing with MIL diary and when he was done he left it in the hall and when I went to pick it from the floor, guess what I found on the page which was open - she had copied things from my notebook into her diary. Once DH came home , I told her what I saw and said I do not like that. she did not have any explanation. But till today before they come, I move these kinds of things into my bedroom and they do not have access to it.
     

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