Things Will Never Change With My Mil..

anika987 · May 28, 2020

I won’t change.I will never change.That is what I was told today when I spoke to her.Who?My mil.

what happened?

She was lamenting how she is alone in this lockdown with fil and suffering.Did I mention that she has two house help
One for cooking for the entire day and also cleaning?

I told her everything will be okay soon.She immediately said “Once everything is okay,you guys will plan a vacation somewhere won’t you?.

I took a deep breath to collect myself.I know where this is going to go.She has travelled a lot over the world and she has not left a single state in the whole of India.Even when I go to India,she joins us in every trip.somehow even if I go for grocery store..she feels am entertaining myself.Time and again she mentioned that I love to roam around.

I was like “no idea.Let this lockdown end”.

Mil: “ I am very content and never go out these days (well of course! Who can?) You people are waiting for the vacation don’t you?ha ha.

Gosh! She is so bothered about me going for a vacation.

mil: you have been to so many places.Lucky you! How many more you think you want to go?what is the point?Set your priorities.Kids are most important.

me: HUH???? What is she talking about? Some nonsense.I kept quiet so not to agravate.

Mil: we old people are alone here.My son won’t leave me alone in a few years.I believe him.I don’t know anything about you( after 15 years of marriage) but I know him.When am very old,I will come and settle at his house!

Me: I do so much and still you talk as though am a third person?Ask yourself honestly what I have not done? Any gift or anything little is done for you is me not your son.Cant you change a bit?

mil: I am old.I won’t change.you are younger and you change.I have to go now.

Call got cut...

For everything else she says I should adjust coz am getting older.Now you are saying am younger and should adjust?

I thought..son’s house? His house?what about me then?Am I the servant of this house?Everytime you visit USA for six months,you sit and watch iPad all day and any help you do with cooking after that you mention sarcastically that we made you the cook of the house.

So is it okay when you come here and resting like a resort home where I toil for everyone? That makes me a maid.Why you don’t see that?do you know how it feels when I vacuum and you sit cross legged watching iPad and keep coffee glass on the ground for me to pick up

When you become old,your son will be in office and any emergency help..it is me who will have to take you,any cooking or Laundary or anything small it is me who has to do it for you.
How can you not see that..

Everytime I call this happens..

Today I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs..

I can’t! So sharing what happened today..Honestly not to seek advice but just by journaling this I feel a lot better.

Thanks for reading friends..

ProudIndian · May 28, 2020

Why do you have to call ? If u must then call in front of husband, put phone on speaker phone, don’t tell her your husband is listening. Be diplomatic and smart. If she says hurtful stuff repeat after her and ask did u say this? Let your husband hear all hurtful comments. Slowly he will stop forcing u to talk

anika987 · May 28, 2020

ProudIndian said: ↑

Why do you have to call ? If u must then call in front of husband, put phone on speaker phone, don’t tell her your husband is listening. Be diplomatic and smart. If she says hurtful stuff repeat after her and ask did u say this? Let your husband hear all hurtful comments. Slowly he will stop forcing u to talk
Click to expand...

Hi he never forces me to talk.Infact he tells me otherwise.

For me..I feel guilty when She says things like she is alone and old etc etc and I will know when my child leaves me and has a life of her own.

Also..it is morally wrong to leave old people but the way she keeps irritating
Leaves me confused of how to treat her.

Hoenstly..I really do not want to live in the same house with her but When she cries or play victim I immediately feel sad and very guilty.

I keep trying to mend things but nothing seems to work.

I feel torn trying to be a good dil but at the same time cannot understand why she refuses to see her faults.

My mom also keeps telling me that my in-laws are old and I should not get angry and let things go. old people get irritated and you should not worry much.so talking to my mother doesn’t help though am proud she is always supportive of my mil and not trying to poison me further.

I do not mind living with her and her coming to vacations and being with us but it is hard when she passive aggressively says that am separating her son from her.

Be a good human or self care? Don’t know which way to go..

MalStrom · May 28, 2020

There is a saying in Tamil: “vambu vellaiku vangindu varudhu” translating as those who go out and actively solicit trouble. This applies here.

Mehana · May 28, 2020

Anika,

It happens almost to all Indian Dil.

You are like my friend(college friend), she's same like you. She gets mad but she says I can't just ignore that person(X) though X treats my friend not in very good way.

But my friend gets mad after talking to that person (she talks to that person during her college days though she doesn't that X but it's her character).

You are like cat on the wall, you won't go this way or that way...but still you don't want to avoid anyone

Either don't care the words after you talk to your mil or if you really worried bring her to USA after COVID breakdown is over

I usually don't care much and move on. If my FIL is here i do my routine and hear all the stories and start doing my work...

anika987 · May 28, 2020

Mehana said: ↑

Anika,

It happens almost to all Indian Dil.

You are like my friend(college friend), she's same like you. She gets mad but she says I can't just ignore that person(X) though X treats my friend not in very good way.

But my friend gets mad after talking to that person (she talks to that person during her college days though she doesn't that X but it's her character).

You are like cat on the wall, you won't go this way or that way...but still you don't want to avoid anyone

Either don't care the words after you talk to your mil or if you really worried bring her to USA after COVID breakdown is over

I usually don't care much and move on. If my FIL is here i do my routine and hear all the stories and start doing my work...
Click to expand...

Hmm true..I should also try not to care but I get succumbed to her emotional blackmails..

preeti6years · May 28, 2020

Anika,
Appreciate you for putting upto this for more than a decade. I understand how you feel. But there is always a limit to swallow the negativity. Her health or age is not going to improve if you make call to them. Do they? So what does having concern towards them got to do here. In the name of concern and feeling guilty you are taking all the negative energy from her and on the other hand, by saying such things to you she feels much relieved and moves on. It's you who will be effected. You cannot concentrate on what you do...can't take proper care of kids and this mindless talks eats away your brain. Hence it is always advisable to stay away from such calls. First reduce the frequency. Upon asking you can just tell you had lots of work.
Even when they call or you call don't show any interest in conversation. Let it be a formal call and cut it out. If she still takes on you, just stay there holding the phone and just breathing. She will understand after few calls that you are feeling toxic.
Hope this helps

anika987 · May 28, 2020

preeti6years said: ↑

Anika,
Appreciate you for putting upto this for more than a decade. I understand how you feel. But there is always a limit to swallow the negativity. Her health or age is not going to improve if you make call to them. Do they? So what does having concern towards them got to do here. In the name of concern and feeling guilty you are taking all the negative energy from her and on the other hand, by saying such things to you she feels much relieved and moves on. It's you who will be effected. You cannot concentrate on what you do...can't take proper care of kids and this mindless talks eats away your brain. Hence it is always advisable to stay away from such calls. First reduce the frequency. Upon asking you can just tell you had lots of work.
Even when they call or you call don't show any interest in conversation. Let it be a formal call and cut it out. If she still takes on you, just stay there holding the phone and just breathing. She will understand after few calls that you are feeling toxic.
Hope this helps
Click to expand...

I just feel that in the future she will come And stay with me and she is hinting she will stay with only one son.She has two and I know which son she is talking about..

It really irritates how selfish she can be.She doesn’t care about me and is
Confident her son will take care.

She doesn’t know one truth.”her” son will only listen to me.He loves them but he puts me first.If I take a stand,she will have a breakdown.

I am being nice coz of my mom who keeps telling me to be nice etc etc..plus the feeling of guilt and karma..

Trust me guys..If I didn’t have a sensitive heart..Things will be so different.

I feel we are all brainwashed about the right and wrong from the time we are young.

Being old doesn’t give anyone a free pass to be nasty and others should tolerate.

At the same time..funny thing is people change their perspectives accordingly.Especially as am the first dil..she says I am elder and I should adjust.Now alone elder and younger will come to play?

Usually I cut off toxic people in my life..this mil relationship alone holding on coz I don’t want to hurt my husband.

If feels sick that am not able to still say “MY” husband like she stresses “HER” son..

Mehana · May 28, 2020

anika987 said: ↑

I just feel that in the future she will come And stay with me and she is hinting she will stay with only one son.She has two and I know which son she is talking about..

It really irritates how selfish she can be.She doesn’t care about me and is
Confident her son will take care.

She doesn’t know one truth.”her” son will only listen to me.He loves them but he puts me first.If I take a stand,she will have a breakdown.

I am being nice coz of my mom who keeps telling me to be nice etc etc..plus the feeling of guilt and karma..

Trust me guys..If I didn’t have a sensitive heart..Things will be so different.

I feel we are all brainwashed about the right and wrong from the time we are young.

Being old doesn’t give anyone a free pass to be nasty and others should tolerate.

At the same time..funny thing is people change their perspectives accordingly.Especially as am the first dil..she says I am elder and I should adjust.Now alone elder and younger will come to play?

Usually I cut off toxic people in my life..this mil relationship alone holding on coz I don’t want to hurt my husband.

If feels sick that am not able to still say “MY” husband like she stresses “HER” son..
Click to expand...

I totally understand you cannot cut her off since she's your mil. In our culture we are raised like that but to be honest I hate seeing girls / boys don't take care their in law's or parents though they are good to them.

If she continues to do same may be you giving her space??? Next time can you be more firm like when mil say you always travel kids are important...you can say yes being in USA we need vacation as we don't attend relatives functions ...more good and respect answers will be a good reply.

I always respect my FIL though he talks sometimes the way I don't like it..one or two times I will be quiet 3rd time I will explain or respond to him in detailed way what I am going through and I don't want to compare myself to others...better you talk to her or don't care...

Angela123 · May 28, 2020

anika987 said: ↑

If I take a stand,she will have a breakdown.
Click to expand...

you should take your stand and move on instead of thinking about her words.

anika987 said: ↑

I feel we are all brainwashed about the right and wrong from the time we are young.
Click to expand...

true.but once we are older and start making our own decisions, acknowledge what parents taught but stick to what you want.

the older parents get, lonelier they become, and they do not care about what others have to say.

when i talk to MIL she wants all of us to move to her house and be with her all the time, so that she is happy. How about our happiness and what we want? DH told me not to tell her anything in detail. He made it clear with her that she will be staying in India and we will visit when we can and needed. We can do whatever to make her stay better but we nipped the bud about bringing her here. Now she doesnt talk about it. if you can and if that is the plan try not to bring her hopes up.