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The way I want my life at Old age

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by srivatsa, Jan 4, 2008.

  1. srivatsa

    srivatsa New IL'ite

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    Hi all,
    The majority of views and opinions i am presenting here are influenced by my mother's.
    Most of the time i have read a lot of articles speaking about the way children should take care of parents, at a stage when parents are dependent on children. Why always children are blamed for not properly taking care of their parents? Is it only the childs fault that the parents are at Old age homes.I strongly believe that what ever incident happens, both of them will be responsible for that, either good or bad. When children are expected to understand and take care of their parents, parents are also expected to understand their kids and be matured in their deeds.
    Both parents and Children on thier part have to understand that generation gap is the first issue. Times have changed when working parents were out of the house may be from 9:00AM to 5:00PM. They were in a state where they could come back take rest for some time and start off with the household work and also spare some time with the elderly at home.Now it is quite different, people work till very late in the night, come home dead tired and hardly have patience to talk to their own spouse. The moment they reach home ,they start off to complete the household work for the day. What i feel is parents or elders leaving with kids should engage with self with some activity or the other rather than complaining that kids don't spend time with them.They could actually do the things they had always wanted to in their previous years. Rather than complaining ,help children with some of the chores ,which will also change their attitude.

    Regards
    Sri
     
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  2. sunshineinUK

    sunshineinUK New IL'ite

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    I think I agree to this post. I find it very hard to accept that parents dont try to be active after 60. Actually I am also not sure if 60 is the right age to retire anymore. Nowadays people retire when they are in relatively good health, and usually live upto their 80s. Its a long time to spend - a span of 20 odd yrs without doing anything. Also we do not have , in India the concept of doing social service when you retire or doing any voluntary work. I feel that the general middle class population in India should try to change this part of their life style.

    Here in the west old people are found to be doing community work and generally being busy and out and about. They also seem to dress up very well and in general be active. Part of the reason may be they are lonely and being up and about brings some meaning to their lives. They are also mentally prepared right from the start to be on their own.

    Though I dont agree to this aspect of western life, I feel that in India its the other extreme. The in-laws interference problem is a classic outcome of this. There is a not a lot that retired people do in India.

    I too get a bit worried about how I myself will be and what I would be doing when I reach that stage of my life. The right thing according to me would be to be as active as possible and keep doing things as much as I am able to do. To take up a part-time job and devoting to community service would probably suit me best provided I maintain my health.

    The key thing is to stay mentally active and reasonably physically active according to capacity. How and what needs to be done is upto personal tastes. Parents at that age shd be there for their grown kids and be helpful to them, but having yr own space even at that age and striking that balance is key according to me.
     
  3. GPriya

    GPriya Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Srivatsa,

    You are absolutely right about the issues between parents and children are equally contributed by both.

    As someone wrote in one of the postings here, older people have to behave in a more matured fashion, letting youngsters to lead their life peacefully and only then the oldies can have respect, peace and happiness in their life.

    Life is vastly different these days when compared to our parents days. This is not understood by our parents and hence the ordeal.

    Now, how I want to deal with my life when I get ancient, I would like to be independent financially, keeping myself fit by proper diet and exercise like Yoga, meditation etc.,, and mostly I would like to grow inward by concentrating on spirituality and humanity by doing some charitable activity in my own way. Visiting temples, doing social work, listening to some good carnatic music and attending regular yoga and meditation classes etc., are going to be the activities filling my day. Leading a healthy, spiritual and active life without expecting anything from anyone, but be open minded and available to my kids (don't have any) emotionally and morally in case of need, is what's important to gain respect, love and peace in one's old age.

    I guess if only all oldies follow my way of life, there will be nothing but harmony everywhere in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Regards,
    Geeth Priya.
     
  4. Kamla

    Kamla IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Srivatsa,

    I fully empathize with your views about the changing scenario today. As Indians, we can be very proud about our family oriented society. But even India cannot be immune to the changing times. Most of our women today are working and multitasking. In most homes, a working woman does not get the support she should from her spouse or others in the house. In-laws and elders expect her to still fulfill all chores. Maybe they think she is a super human being! Perhaps she is!!
    I am sure that this idea of expecting some compromise from the elders will not meet an universal approval. We are too respectful of our elders. But wanting them to be independent and wanting them to be helpful is not wrong. And like you say, today's 60yr old is more fit and younger than her/his forefathers.
    I think more members here are impressed with your views and one has even nominated your post for the FP of the month! Congrats!

    L, Kamla
     
  5. sunkan

    sunkan Gold IL'ite

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    dear srivatsa,

    let me give u an insight into the issue from an elderly view point,
    we want to help but our health fail after running all our life for the children.

    we want to be part of the scene in solving problems but the present trend gives us no idea as to what you go through and are at the receiving end of your depressions and frustrations.

    we have had all the patience and have tried our best to give the children of the day a base for what they are today.

    the children should never forget that we as elders have thrived for them and when asked about it, you people have said it is 'our duty' and we agreed.

    many children don't have time to even say did you have your meals or how are you today, leave alone ask about mental well being. not even during weekends, where they want to be away with their spouse and we are left to stay at home.

    i can hear you people telling that we also had no time to ask when we were running from pillar to post to fulfill many of your ambitions, but here again we were doing it for the children.

    only in india you will find a parent slogging and saving for their children, whereas now the children who are working for the western land have learn t their habit of survival but have forgotten the indian way of repaying their affection and duty, i may be wrong but it is some of the elderly views.

    the plus point of a old age home is we get SAME AGE GROUP TO INTERACT WITH, and our timely food is given, medicines taken care.
    may be walking companions and i hear a lot of outings are also conducted, but again a very big BUT,

    we are at a loss only with affection that we hold dear for our children,
    and this void can never be filled in the old age home.
     
  6. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Srivatsa,

    I fully agree with you ...but also i agree with Sunkan.

    I will give you some live examples.

    Our neighbours is a joint jain family with 5 DIL at home except for one all are housewives. But still the mother who likes to have her dinner before sunset as is the custom in jain...she rarely gets it. Why???? because the cook comes only around 5.30-6 and the cooking starts after that...but non of the DIL makes something for her.

    My own aunty...has 2 DIL the elder on came in the family about 23 yrs back and the second about 4-5 yrs back. The elder on comes from a very affluent family and had never ventured in the kitchen before marriage....but she came here and picked up the threads very well even though she is slow, her husband is a very good cook and trained her...my aunt never helped her.

    The second one comes from a mediocre family already knew everything as she had lost her mom long ago. But after marriage in a few months she started throwing tantrums...will not do work or make dishes that she likes and the way she likes...i.e uncle & aunt because of age eat only simple food specially for dinner like khichdi, bajre ki roti, bhakhri etc. and not very spicy. This DIL will make pav-bhaji or some such fast food half the time and that too very spicy. You can imagine the state of the parents. Now she has learned something new...she goes to her brother's office after returning home refreshes goes for walk etc....so now my aunt does her part of work.

    In the same family 2 DIL treated differently. One who does everything does not get any help or credit...the other who dosen't do get help also and the credit that she goes out to work.

    The same was for my sister too. But then her DH had said let us not give anyone a chance to point fingers at us. And lucky enough her work place is closer to home and has flexi timings too. But her co-sister who was with her for a couple of years here and not working too...but still she could get away with not doing anything or feigning sickness. But if ever my sis felt sick...she was told...DIL can't afford to fall sick often.

    Today her BIL has shifted to US....she has shifted to another city close to Mumbai...her IL visit her or they go when need be...she was with them for 5 weeks when her MIL had to undergo a surgery.

    In both the above case...my aunt & sis. the elder DIL inspite of being at the receiving end from IL still share everything with the parents...and younger ones inspite of being pampered by parents don't talk not let anything know to the parents. Currently both the families have a cook, who comes and helps for an hour...so in both the cases the cooks are informed that they will not have lunch or dinner and not the family members.

    So now you understand that why i agree with both of you ...in the elder DIL & my sis their case i agree with you & the younger DIL...i agree with Sunkan.

    Warm regards
    Roopa.
     
  7. Jaishree123

    Jaishree123 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi
    Very Nice Topic.

    Now I can say so many things about how I want my life at old age but I dont know where my life will take me at that age.
    but I would like to spend my time at old age in social service and community service. I want to be financially Independent. This is most important as this gives u a confidence and it makes u feel u r not a burden to others.
    I have some Institues in my mind where I want to donate or do some service for children.
    and most important thing is I want to be in India for sure at the old age. and I dont want to sit idle and always want to do some work.

    my father is going to retire this month end, he was a Headmaster in school and he is planning to do community service and wants to travel all India.

    Thanks & Regards
    Jaishree
     
  8. sudhavnarasimhan

    sudhavnarasimhan Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Everyone,
    I agree with Sunkan , right now, since i see a lot like that happening in my family. But i also agree on the other point that youngsters do have a lot more to do also, if they are working and taking care of family too. They themselves are short of quality time......how many parents or ILs stop and ask them How was their Day or If they need help? The parents also only think about themselves and their old age.
    I too agree that in the West the outlook is different from the beginning. It is not the duty of the parents to Slog and Save and Educate the children! They do it by themselves. So there is no question of Duty and Emotional Blackmail involved! Also they are aware of the Oldage and loneliness and provide themselves adequately with security or friendships etc. They try to stay fit and never expect the children to take care or i have never heard anyone complain that their kids have ditched them.
    I think this is a healthy attitude.....one that we in india need to get into. there should be no sense of attachment from the beginning.....and we must just do our duty at each point in life! I wish to be such a person in oldage...no complaining and no emotional outbursts! Well hope i can make it happen that way! ( since i am fast approaching it)

    But thanks again Srivatsa for starting this discussion....food for thought!
     
  9. Anushiv

    Anushiv Senior IL'ite

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    When I am Old...

    O- One should not run behind on seeing me! (Saying’ nagging old useless woman’bonk)
    L- Live healthy life (if not wealthy)
    D- Dear ones of mine...should remember me & treat me with the respect.

    A- Age can ruin my beauty but the confidence, hope, strength, will power & the appealing factor should remain till the end.
    G- Golden are those period...where at least once in a year I want see, meet & chat with the loved ones of mine.
    E- Everybody & Everything around me will change periodically but one thing I wish & pray to God is to gracefully accept & tolerate those ' changes'!

    Well, I do not know...how it is going to be in the future. Now I am young to comment or judge about the ' old age’, However, I am willing to take the life as it is!

    Thanks Srivatsav..:hatsoff.for giving us the opportunity to open up the bottle cap.
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2008
  10. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Sudha,

    If the parents of the daughter can do so then why not you.

    The best eg. is my parents. We are 3 sisters and i am the youngest, so my mom always says that we knew when you were born that after you 3 get married we have to live alone...so today even at the age of 78 my dad is still working and my mom a couple of yrs younger to manages the house with the help of a part time maid.

    Even we have decided not to have a family...so we are also working towards our life later on.

    Roopa.
     

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