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The trauma of being the "only DIL" in in laws family

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blessed, Jan 30, 2010.

  1. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Ladies


    Just wanted to vent by feelings of being the only daughter law in my PIL’s family. Its sometimes so disgusting that I regret getting married to family with only Son.

    My In laws are parents of 3 children, one Son and 2 Daughters, both the daughters are married of long time back and now are well settled in nuclear families though both sets of inlaws are hale and healthy and live on their own by paying occasional visits to their sons homes, both my SILs have brother in laws and this way they are leading an independent life and also maintaining a cordial healthy relationship with their inlaws.

    Coming to my plight, My inlaws ae very very attached to their only Son, from the time I got married (14 years ago) they (specially my MIL) seems to be always disgusted in life , of course the default disease like BP & Sugar is always there, apart from this their list is never ending, everyday she curses the almighty for giving her prolonged life, both are now 70+.

    Friends, strictly speaking they are having a wonderful life, no major health problems since they have food to their heart’s content and their digestive systems also seems to be working well, I can say they are leading a Royal life but they never agree to it, they happily spend their time gossiping together, chatting long hours in phone with their daughters and other relatives , breakfast, lunch and dinner will be ready on the table on time. They make occasional visits to their relatives place, and above all their darling Son will always be at their service.

    But only I know that these people are pretending to be unhappy always nagging, cursing that their life is hell and all this is to mainly irritate me . My Mil is no close to my 13 year old daughter even, but of course now I don’t pay head to their words and started spending quality time and trying to live happily in spite all the Nakras she is creating.

    But deep in my heart I always long for a private life, that is only my DH and DD, so I suggested that we build a independent home just above our present home and I will definitely continue to do my duty as good DIL, for this my DH was so….angry that he called me Selfish, trying to separate a son from his parents blah blah.. ( This happened 3years back) So now I have completely got over the idea of me living a happy independent life. Ofcourse my life is not that bad now but just having a feeling that this is the fate most of “only DILs”
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2010
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  2. coolphani

    coolphani Bronze IL'ite

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    I am the only DIL in inlaws family.My DH is the darling in my inlaws.I've heard he's the only male child in his generation.He is overly pampered and I guess that gives him that irritating ego and dominating personality. Man ! The only one time I was at my inlaws (I was there for probably 2/3 days) right after my marriage ceremony we never got a private moment to talk until the reception party and was fed up with their attitude. My MIL and SIL would burst into the room on some silly pretext or the other.The way they treated me and my sister was miserable.

    I am so so glad I am far away from both of them and his entire set of relatives.Before getting engaged my DH said he wanted to settle down here. But now Whenever my DH says he's planning on going back to India I say well, go ahead but don't expect me to tag along because I want to stay as far away from his mother as possible. I tell him if at all we have a kid, am keeping him/her and he can visit once in 6 months or so and I could pay him for his round-trip. That shuts him up:crazy. I can't imagine my life with his family around. His mom is so pushy. I've heard She literally stuffs him with food and that most of the time he throws up after a meal.MY DH buys her gifts left and right and she still begs him for more.
    His cousins are always all over him and they treat him like one of their prized dolls :biglaugh.It was hilarious to see how they treat him.

    Currently My M(onster)IL is after my DH to divorce me so that she can get one of his cousins married off to him. The reason: I am too independent, aggressive, expect him to treat my parents with respect, expect him to help me in the kitchen, I work and am financially independent, can't cook, have short hair and am well educated. On the other hand his cousin is my MIL's pet, she's always at her beck and call, with long hair and has very minimal education.
    She has no clue that my DH is already out of her control on some issues. Not sure when she'll realize that her son is married and he needs some personal space and she can't keep tabs on him always.She needs to take a break and give up the thought of breaking my marriage

    I can only imagine how my life is going to be if at all I have to go and stay with her for a week or two for vacation. The thought itself is traumatizing:drowning
     
  3. joohisinha

    joohisinha New IL'ite

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    I think u should stop caring too much 4 them because ur husband is already doing it so well.Ignore their comments .Ur MIL does it intentionally to draw ur attention .Do their work "detachingly " and "without any expectation". And also , try to tolerate ur husband's behaviour .

    :rotflTake care of urself and ur daughter.Enjoy with her .Indulge urself in some activities ,(go to movies ,shopping etc.)read some religious books; it will really help u..

    :)Detatch urself mentally with ur inlaws. Ignore all their comments good or bad untill they start behaving nicely.In my opinion u should Stay with them becoz Running away 4rm them is not a solution.

    remember, that no problem is permanent and u can overcome these problems by ur stength.And in every problems there is a hidden message of god.so keep urself happy .:thumbsup
     
  4. kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

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    Hi blessed,

    Why dont you try for a part time job which will take maybe 3-4 hours of your time everyday? This way you can get out of the house for some time.
     
  5. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Blessed, I wish you all the peace of this world.. cos I think u'll need it for just few more years & then u'll have the best time of your life... keep ur spirit high.. ur already more than halfway of the rope bridge.

    I also have to go thru the same torture of expectations & vent outs of being the only DIL.. and yes staying tog is a nightmare even when as of now we stay in different city.. however I told my DH am fine with anything now.I nitially I also used to tell him to go ahead but I'll be by myself in this city.. but maybe post kids things changed.. and I want my children not to suffer parents living apart....

    For everything MIL used to say... after us everything is for my son... so I used to feel why do ILs themselves want us to call for their early departure in lieu of this emotional blackmailing.
    When they say they treat gal & boy same then why is it so that their DD gets everything in their lifetime & DS is told to wait till their death & finally at the end am sure that's also going to the darling DD then why at all trouble the 2 souls & let them live as husband & wife peacefully. I told my DH I dont want anything from them. .neither now nor after them.. I just want them to let us live peacefully.

    Yes its a daily trauma to live with a DH who's being made to feel guilty by his own parents who themselves never cared for their older generation as there were many brothers & left the parents to their care. This may also be applicable to a few unfortunate DILs who had smarter co-sis or BILs who knew how to save their future. Finally 1 marriage has to suffer for insecurities of parents.
     
    1 person likes this.
  6. coolheart

    coolheart New IL'ite

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    So true Shilpa about things spent by IL for their DD and DS. My mil too says all the jewels and expensive stuffs r for me after her, but, i dont want them. Let them give it to their daughter. MIL plans to come to us. As of now I am so lucky to live in another city, but I just cant imagine living with MIL. Its a true trauma, but no escape.
     
  7. VLR

    VLR Silver IL'ite

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    Count me in guys.. DH is the only son and his elder sister is married and settled. There is a considerable age difference between my DH and his sis. So he is pampered and very dear to my ILs especially my MIL. She openly expresses her love over my DH than his sis. And they think I am actually holdong my DH back in US and forcing him not to return to India. So the whole bunch of relatives and neighbours , friends always keep advicing me on how important it is to take of in-laws as they dont have anyone else and I should not be depriving them of their son's love, how I should give them their grand child soon etc..But no one tells anything to my DH.

    My MIL cooks at least 5-6 items every day and she expects me to do that at least in weekends. And weekend is the only time I get some rest and I definitely don’t want to spend the whole time in the kitchen. And since it is just the two of us, I keep the menu very simple. But she is always very skeptical about my cooking skills and is not at all comfortable with my internet cooking style..So she never misses a chance to say we never learnt cooking this way and we always used to follow our mil's way .. But I just listen to all this and don’t respond.

    I have seen my MIL buy necklace, bangles etc for my SIL. And she always gives the reason that you are living in US and you are not going to use them anyways. Initially I used to be disappointed. Till data after 4 years of marriage, my MIL has bought me only one salwar set and one saree for me.No other gifts. So personally I have stopped expecting anything from them and I have told my DH I will buy whatever I need from our money. So that gives me a peace of mind. She expects me to pamper and be a mommy to my DH by advicing him to do this , that etc. But I dont like to do that. If he really wants to do something, he should be willing and I dont want to keep nagging.

    I don’t have a big problem staying with my in-laws(though I am not looking forward to it) but I should admit I am little apprehensive about the possessive and overly dominating nature of my MIL. The only silver lining in the cloud, my husband understands this nature of his mother and hence understands my reaction.But is little hesitant to speak up to her for the fear of hurting her.
     
  8. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    I am in the same league...
    DH has one sister. MIl and FIL are a big jalra for dh, whatever he says is the gospel word. DH cant be wrong ... never.
    His aunts and uncles are always all praises for him, so naturally he is cocky and wants to dominate me.
    MIL is always cooking DH's favourite dishes when here or in India. Always makes tons of snacks and sweets for him.
    So in a nutshell, I am the witch who wants him to share household work and always argue with him.
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2010
  9. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    My inlaws have an arrangement wherein all my FIL's siblings and families stay very close by. It is like a big joint family.

    Unlike many others, my ILs have raised DH to be a very dutiful son and brother.He is expected to take care of everyone in the joint family - uncles, cousins etc .Most of the cousins and uncles mind their own business and dont return the favors. For some reason my MIL loves to project her son as one of those extra-dutiful and responsible elder bro characters we see in old hindi movies who expects nothing in return and dedicates his life for the well being of others.

    All this is fine in moderation, but I had a tough time in early days of marriage. To give an example,my DH who had a hectic schedule at work used to work nightouts and even on weekends those days. My MIL would make unreasonable demands like - SIL's hubby has a fever, you need to go and visit him. So, one night my DH winded up his work at 10pm, took a bus, travelled 8 hrs to SIL's place, spent about 2 hrs there and took the return bus and reached office by 11 am for next day's work.

    Being married to DH, I was expected to do the same things. According to MIL, I am selfish if I want to save money to buy an apartment ,if I do shopping just for myself. She did not even let us have a proper honeymoon. Instead, we ended up shuttling from one relatives house to the next , never got any privacy in those early days of marriage and ended up spending a lot more than what we planned for our honeymoon.

    I tried to adjust for sometime, but soon realised that it is simply not do-able. My MIL has this "Sacrifice everything" expectation only from her son and DIL. She likes her own daughter and hubby enjoying life.

    Anyway, I just dont think it is worth wasting your life never being able to to do things I want to.
     
  10. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Thankyou ladies

    Of course I am now not heading to her words or really taking it to heart. But sometimes it does deeply hurt our inner feelings, coz inspite of going out of our way and being good DIL they are never never satisfied and have infact become a complaint box.
    Every night my already tired DH has to hear a list of health complaints and some stupid wortless gossip about their relatives. She will be literally waiting for him and not even allow him to have proper dinner. If ever I intervene and say let him finish his meal first, he will ask me to "shut up" so now I just don't care what they speak and I mind my own business.
     

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