The Train Goes On No Driver But Guard (god)

Intuition is something which guides you in the right direction many a time. As a victim of Myasthenia Gravis (A type of muscle weakness) I was suffering for many years. It started like this. One day while I was discussing something with my wife, she said your voice is not the same as usual. As I used to deliver lectures in All India Radio, she used to listen to this without fail and she is very familiar with my modulations. But I was adamant and said there is no difference in my voice.
After some days I realised myself that something is wrong with my voice. My wife and I went to a number one ENT Specialist in the city. He made all the tests and said you have to consult a neurologist. The very next day, we went and met a neurologist and he said “I suspect that you are having Myasthenia Gravis”. I did not understand anything. He asked me to undergo a number of tests including the EMG which was not so comfortable as I was subjected to mild electric shocks in my face. The doctor confirmed that I was having MG but I could not believe this. The first thing I did after reaching home was googling the net for details of MG. I made an in-depth study of MG and understood that it is a very serious disease but I was not afraid. I also knew that it could lead to a crisis, which in turn may lead to the death of the patient. I clearly studied what should I know/do in case of a crisis.
Days passed, and I was regularly taking medicines under the direction of my neurologist. One day I thought how many tabs I have to take daily, it is really very uncomfortable. I stopped the medicine and started training my mind that I do not suffer from MG. After some days I found I could not drink water, take food and something is blocking the path of food in my throat. I was not upset, I was not worried because I have got strong trust in the Supreme.
My intuition told me to go to the hospital immediately. I informed my wife to admit me immediately in the nearby good hospital and I told her the only escape in crisis for MG is plasma transfer or an operation for removal of thymus gland (thank you Google).
We went immediately to the hospital. On the way I noticed the other signs of MG crisis such as drooping of eyelids, double vision and I could not hold my head up properly, it was slowly bending down. We met the neurologist and he admitted me in the hospital. My brother-in-law (Sivanu) was with me. My wife ran to the nearby Perumal temple to pray for me. Brother-in-law told me that he would just go home and come back. I was just sitting and watching the TV. My wife returned and asked me “Why are you sitting all the time, try to walk for some time” and forced me to stand. I was trying to stand but by that time all the organs below my hip got paralysed and I could not stand.
She tried to make me stand but I collapsed. I told her to call the nurse who came running. I told the nurse that I could not stand and also that I was having difficulty in breathing. She brought the oxygen cylinder. She tested everything and said, “There is nothing wrong.” But I could not breathe and the next few minutes became an important part of my life. I collapsed completely with little life in me. My wife shouted like anything (she told me later what happened), but the nurse continued to hold on
to her past statement that everything is ok and she could not identify any problem. My wife raised her voice and said take him immediately to the ICU, otherwise I will burn down this whole place. (She became a Kannaki of the Poompukar).Then they moved me to the ICU. My nephew (Shanmugham), who was the legal adviser of the hospital, was informed. He immediately came and made arrangements for coordinating the expert doctors. I was put on ventilator. The doctors said, “There is no guarantee, let us wait and see.”
After some time they declared me dead. My wife could not believe this because I used to tell her that I will leave this world only when I wish. She was completely shattered and sat on a bench outside with memories of our past. Our relatives were informed of my demise, and everybody immediately arrived although it was midnight. Many people who were my neighbours, started prayers to bring me back to life, if at all there is a chance. The fact is that not even once had I talked with them or met them in the recent past, but they loved me and I do not know why and how.
After fifteen minutes, seconds tick ticked away, my heart started tick ticking and I sprang back to life. I was kept in the ICU for a long period of time. I could not move my hands or any part of my body because I was totally paralysed. But my mind was very strong along with my trust in the Supreme.
In the hospital, I used to communicate with the tip of my fingers with much difficulty. I would hold a ball point pen and used to scribble on a writing pad what I felt and what I needed to inform the nurses. I remember one day a nurse poured very hot Horlicks through a tube inserted in my throat; you can imagine how it travelled to my stomach as a fire ball, but with a smile, I wrote on the paper and showed what happened. The nurse apologised. It was very interesting inside the ICU as normally outsiders are not permitted to go inside.
In the evenings the duty doctor and attenders used to eat “Chilly Gobi” inside the ICU. You can very well understand how my mouth watered smelling the dish from my bed. This was because I was permitted only limited food, a certain volume of water, Horlicks etc. Some of the lady nurse attenders were carrying sticks to frighten the patients like school teachers, if at all they refused to take the medicines. (After all they were nursing students from the same hospital). There were both male and female attenders whom I found in pairs playing around. (I do not blame them, after all they are young and at their age they will do only that). They were running here and there like butterflies.
The date for my plasma transfer was fixed and I did not have any anxiety. I came to understand that the hospital was going to do this for the first time and the person who has to do this is also a first timer. Actually they were more worried than me about doing the transfer successfully. They told me, “Sir, if you feel anything uncomfortable, give us a sign and we will stop the process”, which I agreed to. To my shock they invited all the nursing students and teachers to witness this great event. All of them assembled around my bed.
The person in charge explained in detail what he was going to do. Everyone waited for the climax. Slowly doubts crawled into my mind. They are doing this for the first time… will they do it successfully… At that time the person in charge shouted “Jai Jakkamma (Let victory be to the Divine Mother)”. Even today I probe my mind wondering why he said this. (But I understood that as a
stringent devotee of the Divine Mother I received this signal from to indicate to me not to be afraid).
Man realises the existence of god when he is susceptible to pains and hardships in his life. The project (process) started for plasma transfer. They fixed a number of tubes all over my body. The person in charge instructed the attenders to be very careful and alert. Once he started the transfer of new plasma, it would enter through this tube and at that time the blood pressure reading would rise, and then they have to immediately inject such and such medicine…His instructions went like that. While the process was going on I felt a chill all over my face. Within hours they finished the transfer successfully. This was repeated in the coming days and for nearly five times and was very expensive. (My wife had to sacrifice all her gold savings for this, but she had done it to save my life; if your wife is very much attached to gold do not blame her because it is only to save you at such times of crisis).
Slowly the condition of my health revived and the doctor decided to transfer me from the ICU to a normal room. My wife asked the ICU attenders, “When you are going to transfer him?” The answer was, “Any time ma’am, even now you can take him”, the reason being that very few people left the ICU alive and they did not want me to be a witness to all their pranks inside the ICU anymore. I remember one attender whose response when I said, “I could not sleep”, was, “close your eyes tightly”, as if he did not want me to see what was going on in there.
Later when I was shifted to a room, one day the head of the attenders (a nursing student) came and said, “Sir, we did not know that you were a principal and a professor, we have made lot of noise, misbehaved and disturbed you inside the ICU, please do not feel anything.” My answer was, “I saw only some butterflies in a garden and not you.”
I also observed that some of the senior attenders (paid and regular staff) were very sincere and earnest to the core inside the ICU. They used to give me a towel bath very caringly and with lot of love, respect and affection. There were a few nursing students who took their role very seriously and were caring for the patients as if they were their own blood relations.
The neurologist (Dr.Asokan) used to visit me every day and took photographs of each of my movements on his mobile, which he studied very carefully to proceed further in my treatment. I have never met with such a sincere and selfless doctor in my life. With the passage of time one of my hands revived, followed by the other hand, and then the legs. But still I was not able to sit in a chair or walk. My wife used to feed me like a baby, and clean my dirt, which any other people will hesitate to do. She was more than a mother to me.
Days passed and I made up my mind that I should try to walk, and I can walk, and I started trying to walk - first with the help of my wife and later with the help of a physiotherapist. But all the time my mind told me to trust in God, and take efforts.
I succeeded in walking, and later I got full movement of all organs. I returned home safely with the blessings of the Supreme. Again one problem was left with me - my voice was not clear. For this, every morning, when I woke up the first word I used to say was “Amma”. I repeated it for many days and slowly I noticed changes in my voice, my voice became quite natural as it was in the past. I became the old personality I used to be.
Why this is narrated here is to tell you that when you think everything is lost, if the Supreme
decides nothing will be lost. The trust in the supreme and your efforts will play miracles in your life. Think, if I did not have any trust in the Supreme, if I did not take any efforts, what would my fate have been? I learned from my experience who was my true teacher - our life experiences, if you observe them closely, will become sometimes the best lessons which you have ever learned and which you will never forget in your life.
You should be bold and keep your mind focussed and should not bother about what is going on around you in times of crisis. I still remember the pain I experienced when the nurses were searching all over my body, puncturing very hard with a needle, for veins which refused to show themselves to the nurses for reasons best known to them.
For many days I remained fully awake in the night, because I never felt like sleeping, but I never had any thoughts in my mind. My mind remained fully blank.
There was no past, present, or future in my thoughts. Fifteen days I existed with just a quarter glass of water supported with intravenous therapy. It was not difficult for me but what was needed was the blessings of the Almighty, training and practice. Train your mind so that you can also reach a thoughtless stage.
I strongly believe even today the blessings of the Siddhas whom I met during my life time are with me and will continue after that.
Even today my Divine Mother is keeping her promise “…I will be with you till the end and after that”.
The words of the ‘Sinchuvadi Swami’
“The train goes on, no driver but guard (god)” - still keep me going on till the end and after that!