The Telegram

The Telegram​

Remember that old joke about a guy receiving a Taar, called wire. Telegram. Or whatever, saying that your Uncle/Aunt/neice etc aaj mar gaye hai. The actual meaning was that they have gone to Ajmer, but rpounced as aaj mar, meaning theyhave died today, and the whole house is in mourining till someone corrects them.

Well the telegram is itself dead, in fact I don’t recall receiving one in the last Twenty years. But surely the telegram chaps do come for their Diwali tip, they stand sheepishly, I tell them why should I tip u guys, when u don’t deliver telegrams, and they say, what can we do, people don’t send anymore.

Well I can refuse to pay them, and risk annoying them, for I know they wont harm me, but well out of old times sakes, I give them 20 bucks, they go away.

When I had come to jaipur, I applied for a telephone, but the line was long, it came after many years. So we had to make do with Telegrams. So every few days I would send a telegram to my parents in Mumbai, that we are well.

Now we were charged for every word, the address was like 15 words, and at 50 paise per word, I used to find it expensive. So I got my address registered, say the code was KAMALMAHA (max was 10 alphabets) and sent this to all my business associates, so they would address all their telegrams to KAMALMAHA, jaipur, and it would reach me. This service costed 100 a year, and it was effective.

Sicne ever word costed 50 paise, we had to use short forms. Like for twitter we use shortforms, for example lol, rofl, u for you, r for are etc, I had made my own some thirty years back. Necessity is the mother of invention, and here are some of them, which used to irk the telegram people no end.

They would charge 50 paise per word,(max 10 alphabets again) so when I used to send goods by Airlines , we used to get their receipt called air way bill, whose short cut I made as AWB , then the numerical number would follow.i fthe airlines was say british airways, then BA, air france was AF, swiss air was SWA, and so on.

So my telegram could go as 32CAWBSWA 1234567 15680. This meant, 32C meant 32 Cartoons sent, AWB is airway bill, SWA was swiss Air, and then the number followed. 15680 meant 15th of hune 1980. So I saved a lot of money with these codes.

Also I used to send some personal things in the cartoons, for example some home made masalas, like Dals, or spices, so at the bottom of some cartoons , I would put those. So I could also mention to him in the telegram, DNO131415, which mean do not open the cartoons in the customns, nos 13,14, 15 for they contained a few things not declared, but not contraband also, they were for personal use.But unnecessary questions at the customs at his end.our end, we used to tell the shipping agent the same, don’t get these opened.

I used to receive telegrams regularly, and neighbours used to ask me, if I am not scared of telegrams, for they used to receive only when there was bad news, of someone passin g away. I doubt if many people got telegrams telling them that they have won a lottery !!!!!

Once we had a very difficult post master, who refused to accept these codes from my office boy and called me to the post office to explain to him. He grilled me like a CBI chap, what are these codes, etc, I was very polite with him at first, then I explained to him how I had made them to save money.He was angry, and said I wont allow, then I lost my cool, and told him to give me in writing what heis saying, and I will make sure, I will lodge a case against him, and make sure he is suspended. Then he cooled down, I said I can save money, it is my brains, that work, and everybody has the right to economize and who are u to tell me anything.

These guys worked at post offices all their lives, what do they know what is a AWB or a BL(Bill of Lading- that is when goods go by Sea). And when payments are made by the buyer to my bank, the telegram from them used to read, sent TT (telegraphic transfer) DL18560 BOA it meant that he has sent through Bank of America (B(OA) us dollors 18560 , so I would enquire the next day from the bank as these used to reach in 24 hours usually. While TT is still in vogue, Telegrams are dead and gone.

They have so much space that is vacant , prime places really, they can sell or lease out some, and pay off the redundant staff, reduce the wage bills, and let them retire in peace.

We have all moved on, to newer technologies, even oldies like me today think how we managed those days without computers, emails, faxes, and modern technology, but I swear we made a lot of money then, bcs technology was not there, I am sure. Today if I send a photo of a new item to my buyer, within seconds he can forward it to another supplier, and get lower rates than me.The margins are finished.

But guys like Kamalji are like cockroaches, they will thrive in all conditions, and will find their way out, and make enough to have a peg and a leg in the evening, by leg I mean a chicken leg , and not what other naughty minds may think.

So cheers to the death of the telegram, it had to die one day, but yes it was a lifeline sometimeback. RIP my dear buddy, may u never come back, we may not miss u, but I will not forget u in a hurry, for u were good to me in times when I did not have the basic phone, u saved me, and served me well.

Goodbye my friend.RIP

KAMAL MAHTANI

Some Logic

Woman – Do u drink Beer ?
Man – yes
W – How many ad ay
M- 3
W- how much do u pay per day
M- 5 dollors a day, including tip
W- How long have u been drinking Beer ?
M – isuppose 20 years.
Woman
So a beer costs 5 dollors and u have 3 beers a daywhich puts yr spending amount to $ 450 a month, in one year it would be about $ 5400, correct ?
So if in one year u spend $ 5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts yr spending on beer alone at $ 1,08,000.
Man – correct
Woman – Do u know that if u did not drink so much, and had put this money in a recurring deposit, in a bank , today u could have had a Ferrari !!!!
Man- You don’t drink, right ? Where is your Ferari !!!!!!



Chartered Account’s wife – listen, what is the meaning of inflation ?
CA – See previously u were 36-25-36 and now , u are 42-36-48. So now u have more than before, but your value has decreased , right ?
THAT IS INFLATION !!!!!!!



Abdul Hyderabadi – Ammi, I am speaking from KBC , I want to know my fathers name, there are 4 options given
Salman, Suleman, Shahrukhkhan, Amir Khan, please tell me what is the right answer ?
Mother – listen Abdul, how much are u winning ?
Abdul – 5000/-
Mother – for that amount, leave KBC, it is not worth the answer, for it will create a lot of disturbance in the neighbourhood !!!!!



For all those who exercise everyday
1) If walking is good for health, the postman would be immortal
2) A whale swims all day, eats only fish, drinks a lot of water,However it is still fat
3) A rabbit, jumps and hops all the time, but lives just 15 years
4) Instead a turtle dosnt run does nothing,lies around whole day, yet lives for 450 years.
SO
To hell with exercises
Eat Well, Sleep Well
Courtesy,
Baba Kamal Dev !!!!!!!



In a party, one man to another,
Meet my wife RITA,
2nd one – Ya I know her
1st one – How
2nd one – We were caught many a times sleeping together
1st one – what ? What the hell are u talking about
2nd one – During lectures in science and history. You see we were classmates !!!!!

 

Dear GG,

CBI andFBI and all the agencies would be after me eh ! HAHA. See, i dont beleive in wasting money, even today, if i see alight on, i off it, put off the fan etc. old habits i guess. i remember when the internet first came in 1997 in india, i used to buy the internet hours at 15000/- for 500 hours, plus we had to pay the phone charges.

So i would on the internet, get in all the mails,and then off the net, read the mails , write replies, and then again on the net, and send the mails fast one after the other.

Also if i had to read a few pages on the net, i would open them one after the other, and then off the net, then i could read at leasure rather than waste telephone and internet time.

Today i waste a lot, for now thins are so cheap. HUMOR, well the post master would have died laughing, then who would send and receive my cables eh ! HAHA

Regards

kamal

 

Dea r Mindi,

Yes many have not sent , i checked with friends. but since i had ****ed to jaipur , and we did not have a phone, what else could we do to keeo in touch and cheaply too. So short cut words were created.HAHA

Regards

kamal

 

Dear Satchi,

Agreed the progess will make some things die, i have noregrets of the death of telegraph, i am sad that with the advent of technology, we cannot cammand prices like before, for if i send the pic of something to buyer, he can forward it immediately to another supplier, same is the case with designers who used to charge the moon, today u photograph an item of theirs and send an mms, and it can get copied at a third of that price today.

So some gain, but some lose,the loser being me too.HHA

Regards

kamal

 

Dear Sabita,

same here, must have been 20 years or so, since i hae seen a telegram.yes our kids will find these things as antiques.HAHA

Regards

kamal