1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Liked anything that you read here? You may nominate it as the Finest Posts!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  5. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

The routine...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rakhii, Jun 28, 2010.

  1. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,299
    Likes Received:
    6,333
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    After being married for a few years routine sets in. Weather we have children or not, working or not, a familiar pattern sets in without our own knowledge. Just last night I was wondering about it...my husband asked me why I dont wear those sexy lingerie we bought when we were initially married (the honeymoon phase). So, I wore it. But he felt that I am wearing it because he wants me to and not because I want to...which is true.

    But having said that, I notice that its always (well generally speaking) the women who have to dress up well, bring back that zing into married life. I wonder why...why is it that men always have complains like, "you are getting fat" or, "why don't you wear those sexy things anymore", or, "you stopped taking care of yourself" etc and never do women complain like, "you dont wear anything nice for me"?

    Is this attitude attributed to men are from Mars theory? What are your thoughts on this girls?
     
    Loading...

  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    357
    Trophy Points:
    183
    Gender:
    Female
    Instead of feeling cheated that women usually make the first move to bring the 'zing' back, why don't you just do it? Afterall, it's not like your husband can dress up in langerie, or style his hair nice, or put extra attention into make up or jewellery. Guys are simple! And while I agree men need to step up their game and do some romantic stuff... you shouldn't think of this as a tug of war.

    Think about it... men do romantic stuff when they are attracted to a woman. A woman who takes care of herself and looks nice is desirable, so a man gets romantic and interested in her. Most men do not just get interested in a woman for her nice personality and home making skills. Looks play a big part in keeping the romance alive. That is just the way humans are. Whether you think that is fair or not, is up to you.

    This is troubling. It sounds like you no longer want to impress him or care about keeping the romance alive. Of course you are wearing it for him... but is that necessarily a bad thing? That is the joy of an intimate relationship... doing things for each other and making each other happy.

    Men are not from mars. Women are not from venus. Humans (and self help relationship authors) often over complicate relationships by saying that men and women can't understand each other because they are sooooo different. But really, we are not. It is so simple. Give of yourself, and you will get. Love without expecting a reward, and you'll be rewarded. If your guy likes sexy langerie, wear it! If you want him to ask you out on dates or bring home flowers, mention to him that you would like that! How is any of that rocket science? Keep it simple and think with your heart.
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. Dhaanika

    Dhaanika Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    533
    Likes Received:
    128
    Trophy Points:
    108
    Gender:
    Female
    Not quite. In a balanced relationship, the woman is equally likely to tell her man - "Umh huh.. that ain't working for me anymore, so you better do something about it..."

    You need to be assertive enough to do that though, and stop subscribing to this idea that women need to be attractive, pretty etc etc to be loved. Assertiveness, confidence and brains are far more attractive to any man (well, any man worth my time anyway) than just fluff and pretty.
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2010
  4. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,299
    Likes Received:
    6,333
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    ASG, how many years have you been married, if you don't mind telling us? Also just curious about what is your routine like. Are you married for 5+ years? Perhaps that will give me an idea about what you wanted to say in your reply about things not being rocket science.

    You need to realize that not every relationship is black and white; a few gray areas would surface over a period of time. Couples work on those gray areas and the relationship goes on. I do realize that looks play a great role in romance. I am not suggesting that what he is expecting from me is wrong. I just wanted to analyze why are men the way they are. I am really interested in knowing what other ladies (who have been married for at least 3+ years) think about the routine thingy...

    Who is talking anything about him asking for lingerie a bad thing!?! Kindly read my post again and see for yourself.
     
  5. Dhaanika

    Dhaanika Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    533
    Likes Received:
    128
    Trophy Points:
    108
    Gender:
    Female
    Exactly Rakhii, after a while, our relationship has settled into this comfortable place now, and that feels much better than the "Oh, I need to do xyz to impress him..." .

    I like this routine where we're most ourselves with each other. I guess you're in the same phase... its not bad at all.
     
  6. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,299
    Likes Received:
    6,333
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Yes Dhaanika, that's where I was coming from. We all fall into comfortable pattern. I am not 100% sure if this is what I wanted though. Its very easy to say, "we should try to bring it back" but after a while we dont feel the need to impress our partners. This does not mean that we are taking them for granted....or does it?
     
  7. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    357
    Trophy Points:
    183
    Gender:
    Female
    I don't mind telling at all. We've been together 5 years, married almost 4. Guess you could say 3.5. :)

    My routine is well.... routine! After years together, not every moment is sizzling. Lot of weekends we clean the house, watch a movie, or swim in the pool. More like friends than lovers! And we're ok with that! I think there's something really comforting about being in a routine with somebody you love and have fun with. But we both do little things to remind ourselves, "hey, remember that thing called love?" I still do my nails, fix my hair nice, dress up when we go out, or leave him little love notes around the house. He still asks me out on dates, stops on the way home to buy me a little cake, or surprises me with a drive down to the beach. I think having a stable and loving routine is one of the best things about marriage. And if you can combine a little passion once in a while, even better!

    What I meant about not being rocket science, is lot of times in these relationship books it is soooo complicated! Like, they say men and women's brains are different, communicate different, etc etc. But really I feel after the first few years... you probably know your spouse better than any book or friend could. So, use that knowledge of what turns your spouse on, to bring back the spark. I think in romance, it's best not to 'over think' a situation, and just think with your heart and have fun. Just like we know what little mischievous things tick off our parents, over time it's easy to learn what little things turn on our spouse. Sometimes relationship experts sound like they're putting love/attraction into a formula, or that a married couple should always be enthralled in love else they're 'boring'... but I personally feel why make it so complex? Like I said, act with your heart and the spark will come back. JMO!
     
    1 person likes this.
  8. SreeSri

    SreeSri Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    701
    Likes Received:
    406
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Male
    1) He loves you a lot, he still want to see more and more in you, he may compare his favoret heroin in his last night movie with you, He might have compared his co-worker who was dressed sexy, with you. He might have come across a lady in the next car on the road, thought of "How about my wife also look like her" ?
    See here, his thought may not be "How about that lady is being my wife?" which may not be pragmatic and healty, but when he thinks about "How about my wife also wears that kind of dress? How about my wife dresses her hair like that?" This is a very healthy thought of having a lot of love and affection that MY STUFF needs TO BE GREAT. So, you may take the situation positively like that

    Q&A:
    why is it that men always have complains like,
    "you are getting fat" or, "why don't you wear those sexy things anymore", or,
    Which mens: I like you to be healthy, attractive, I saw Ravan movie last niht, Iswarya is looking thin and nice in the movie, I am thinking that I too got an Iswarya at my home, all she needs to do is to reduce some pounds and being healthy, let me talk to her :)

    "you stopped taking care of yourself" etc and never do women complain like,
    Which means: Similar to the above. "Hey honey.. you look very nice, why dont you take care of little more about yourself, why dont you keep yourself healthy and fit? You know, if you wear that white gown, you look like an angel, just wash your face, put some fragrance on and come and sit next to me, I got something to whisper, it may be a sound of silence.. " :)

    "you dont wear anything nice for me"?
    Which means: Hey Twinkle, I remember we (me) bought that Ghagra for you in my last trip to India, you know what? that kind of dress fits you real nice. I remember that I saw a model wearing that dress in that shop on that day, saw that and thought of it would look awesome for you, why dont you give me a glimpses of your beauty at the next level by wearing that dress :) "

    2) Why you(or any male or female) lose that ZING in life? Before (or just after marriage), you need to be noticed by others, you need a recognition in the pool, you need THAT person to Identify you special.. you will keep yourself fresh as much as you can. OK now you got THAT link, you paired up, you are introducing yourself(the early days of the relationship) to the other person, you strive to keep yourself attractive, impressive, you change your style, words, you take care of yourself a lot.
    Now, days are moving ahead, you know that the other person is for ever, there is nothing gonna change whether you look pretty or ugly at this time, since its a done deal. Now your OWN (may be family, work) things over take the time and thought spent to impress HIM/Her.. you will find it one night, the next morning you will open a new thread in IL forums.. I may reply like above :)
     
    1 person likes this.
  9. amaman

    amaman New IL'ite

    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male


    Rakhi,Tell him to court you in bed and get you inthe mood in the first place.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 2, 2010
    1 person likes this.
  10. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,142
    Likes Received:
    1,449
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    No Rakhi this is not true in my case or may be in most of us, I am a health freek and c to it that my hubby to follows a healthy diet and work out atleast 4 days a week, if ever I c his tummy coming up I get really irritated and keep pestering him to do something about it.

    similarly I do my best to maintain myself, I love trying new clothes, and dress well just how I use to do in my honeymoon days.

    All is in our minds, if we think this is not neccessary to dress up since we have out grown it,then as u say u have lost interest and busy with your routine work, but for some of us this is also a part of our routine work. This helps me to be energetic and happy and feel proud when some one compliments u on your looks.

    By the way Rakhi I have been married for 15 years now.
     
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2010
    1 person likes this.

Share This Page