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The poison tree called sibling rivalry

Discussion in 'Cheeniya's Senile Ramblings' started by Cheeniya, Feb 2, 2008.

  1. Anandchitra

    Anandchitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Cheeniya Sir
    First I want to thank you for coming up with great topics,which we can discuss and debate and maybe even try to chindu mudinchufy. More than choosing the topic I greatly admire the narrative style and the entertaining way with words that holds the reader captive. No topic is beyond your penning skills. This too is a good choice of topic though I wouldnt dare to choose it because its difficult to pull it off with such ease as you do. Its like seeing Federer on court making all his shots look like eating a piece of cake?!
    As always I can only reply with reference to myself. I was not even aware of this word for many years. I never felt this with my brother younger to me by 3 years. there are a few emotions that I have not felt in my life and jealousy is definetly one of them. My parents were also very indulgent towards meas well as him. Mother ofcourse treated him as royalty . But my brother has always had this rivalry with me. Though as kids I think its o.k. and probably done without much knowledge as to its implications, as we grow older we need to take responsibilty and get past this. It is like many other emotions such as envy, greed etc. As a parent I think its tough to bring up more than one child and be equal at all times. Some children are easier to bring up than others and it will be natural to gravitate towards the easier child. Maybe once we grow up we should not blame parents for all the problems and take responsibilty on our own !! Maybe!?
     
  2. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Sri,
    All ladies have exhausted the best adjectives, in raving about your choice of topic. Whatever I write will be simply “ee adichan copy”. So, I will just stop with,
    Ippadi, ippadi, ippadi than nan ungaLidam ethir parkkiraen!

    Typical of your insight and writing skill, Sri !! Let me add an extra phrase to convey my appreciation – you are going unparalleled with your choice of topics, which are part of our life. But you have shifted from opposites (reasonable – unreasonable, Consistency-inconsistency, to mention a few) to compound words (indulgent parent, Spoilt brat, sibling rivalry). I pray, you do not switch over to erring husband-forgiving wife and the likes.

    In our society, from the time, a sibling is born, the most commonly used term is “savalai” – a tamil word. That has no translation in english, as far as I know. It denotes nothing but the English term which you have described as the poisonous tree. The moment the elder child sees the mother cuddling the new-born, the seed is sown. Whether it grows into a small plant or a big tree, depends on the way, the mother tackles the bringing up of the children.

    My younger sister was very fair and very beautiful, the opposite of me, in both respects. I did not have rivalry, but developed a complex, honestly. So the only way I could score over her was to excel in studies, which I did with all my effort. I do not have to tell you that the direction of the rivalry got reversed.

    In spite of my best effort to bring up my daughter & son, with similar treatment, the rivalry did creep in ! Ruby, forever used to complain that I am more indulgent to Kumar. Knowing that it was a figment of her imagination, I could never defend myself because whatever I said, went unheeded!
    Now when I see her going through the same complaint from her daughters, I realize, this cannot be avoided.

    Yes, you said it correct – my parents-in-law did have a soft corner for their eldest son, because, he would be performing their final rites. But in modern days, the concept must have changed, with children “scattered” globally.

    You write,
    the role of affluence in the parents developing greater affinity for daughters is difficult to understand.
    I think, the only explanation is the truth, however unpalatable, that
    A son is a son till he gets a wife,
    A daughter is a daughter throughout her life.
    But I can vouchsafe that the first statement does not hold good for your dear friend !
    Love,
    Chithra.
     
  3. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Pragati
    you have stated an awesome and irrefutable fact that comparisons start right from conception. If one goes by the mythological story of Prahlad, the child's character gets moulded from pregnancy itself. Even the modern scientists agree that a lot of things happen during pregnancy besides physical growth of the baby.

    You are right about a woman's tendency to compare her children with each other being involuntary but the damage arising therefrom is inevitable. If as you say, young mothers keep all these comparisons to themselves instead of giving vocal expression to their feelings, the intensity of the feeling of sibling rivalry can be minimised. But it is easier said than done.
    Sri
     
  4. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear AC
    To what do I owe the honour of such lavish praise from you? In fact, when I started writing this thread I was not too sure if this would be well received coming immediately after my thread on parental indulgence. I know people look to me for lighter stuff and embarking on heavy subjects like this makes me nervous!

    You have stated "As a parent I think its tough to bring up more than one child and be equal at all times. Some children are easier to bring up than others and it will be natural to gravitate towards the easier child" This is the truth and nothing but the truth. But eminent psychologists warn against this tendency. They point out that a difficult child has greater inclination to develop a feeling of rivalry towards his sibling than an understanding, easy-to-bring up child. They point out that it is all the more reason that special attention must be paid to difficult children at the formative stage particularly. Gravitating towards the well behaved child may make the other feel isolated and unwanted and this would make him more and more difficult to handle.

    There is no ready recipe to handle sibling rivalry. It has to be formulated only on a trial and error basis!
    Sri
     
  5. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Chithra
    First of all, let me thank you for your warm words of appreciation and come to the point! Your expression 'Erring husbands and forgiving wives' shows your female chauvinism! Why not erring wives and forgiving husbands too? You may say that the former is predominant but you can not deny the existence of the latter too!

    Savalai refers to closely spaced kids. The problem thrown out by the elder of the closely spaced kids is very unique. This is what the eminent Dr.Burton White says about them:

    "The problems do not often begin during pregnancy or even soon after the child is born. Normally, the older child will maintain his good temper until the new baby starts to crawl, at which point the infant not only needs more of the parents' attention, but is also probably getting into the older child's toys as well.
    The older child may try to hit the baby or otherwise hurt him. He may regress, that is, become more babyish himself: take to crawling if he is walking; go back to a pacifier or bottle; return to negativism and tantrums; return to wetting his pants if he is already toilet trained. Or he may show signs of being unhappy, appear sad, cling to his mother, burst into tears for no apparent reason. The number of different ways in which slightly older children reveal their jealousy in such situations is remarkably large..."

    Your personal episode shows how the feeling of sibling rivalry can be overcome through constructive ways. But then, even here , as you point out, the feeling of rivalry continued to exsist though in a reverse direction! I would leave that statement of yours that a son is a son till he gets a wife etc uncontested. You have pointed out an exception in your family itself and so will my wife say too!
    Sri
     
  6. Jananikrithsan

    Jananikrithsan Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Sri,
    You have given a very good analysis of sibling rivalry. No parent will treat his children differently, but it is also attirbuted to the way kids tend to look at it. When they are young and try to get our attention over the younger/ older one then it the time to make them realise that the other child too needs attention. It is a difficult balance to strike and either of them may still think you are unfair. It is said that the first child is always special, being one myself, Iam proud to say that my younger sister and I are many years apart and when she was born I felt only too happy to no more be an only child. Somehow never felt jealous and realised though a little late that we are generations apart, which means that my ideas are old fashioned to her. But I made an effort to bridge that gap that now I can say that she thinks that Iam more expereinced and reasonable too. Getting there was not easy, harder the route , steely I got in my determination to win over the years between us.
    My effort and her understanding of my views we have a better relation now. My older daughter and my younger one though at times show signs of sibling rivalry I make it a point to see that neither of them feels bad about the other one being given any special treatment.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2008
  7. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Janani
    It is commendable that you yourself took pains to craft out a good relationship with your younger sister. Of course, the age difference would have helped too. Many researchers have come out with the finding that the intensity of sibling rivalry is inversely proportional to the age difference between the siblings. You have proved yourself that in such cases, the older child is mature enough to avoid rivalry with the younger and build up a cordial relationship. Secondly, if the age difference between siblings is long, the elder one develops a protective attitude towards the younger particularly if they happen to be girls.

    Many parents have managed the problem of sibling rivalry by making the elder child accountable for bringing up the younger child. This can be seen more in poor families. It is a common sight in slums for a small girl carrying around her younger sibling everywhere as the mother would be too busy doing some hard labour and the elder child assumes the role of the mother.
    Sri
     
  8. Jananikrithsan

    Jananikrithsan Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Sri,
    Thanks for the compliment and as you sad I tend to feel very protective of her.
    Though at times I used to get a little flustered about how long it will take for her to understand what I mean the effort now seems well worth it

    Many researchers have come out with the finding that the intensity of sibling rivalry is inversely proportional to the age difference between the siblings

    Very true. Whoever said it my:clap to him.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2008
  9. Anandchitra

    Anandchitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear CheensSir
    As usual your replies are a treasure in itself. Please dont ask to what u owe the praise you know it being a proficient writer. I am glad you write on tough topics which I think is important for a writer.
    For all that you say a MOTHER needs to be there ALL the time. With both parents busy working and making money do you think its possible. ?. So these are our times and these are the by product symptoms. If the symptoms are not paid attention to then it will become an epidemic. Just a thought..keep writing..
     
  10. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear AC
    I totally agree with you that a mother needs to be there all the time. This may not be physically possible. A good and strong mother should be able to make her presence felt among children even when she is absent physically. If a child thinks that the mother would not approve of a certain action and desists from it, I would rate that mother as the best. That kind of a bondage between the mother and child will go a long way in moulding the character of the child.
    Sri
     

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