The Peer Pressure To Have Friends…

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by anika987, Aug 19, 2024.

  1. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Almost two decades in a densely populated state with many fellow Indian community but not a single friend! Acquaintances and neighbors yes..but friends and socializing none..

    Do I need any? No it’s okay but I somehow feel I am the only Indian woman in the world or atleast in USA with zero friends.No parties or anything.No get togethers..for me it is more of a peer pressure now.

    I have never felt the need to make friends in India.I have some family or someone or the other to talk.Plus yea..one or two friends I had out of zillions of people..

    I have to mention that I have a history of bad toxic friendships.Somehow I happened to meet women who used to either dominate or be blunt and loud to me or won’t even include me.Else if by luck I get along with someone..they leave the state or country! Am I cursed or what?? I am serious.

    Imagine being in a country like USA,someone who had a bullied past - toxic friendships,plus an introvert ..how hard it should be make friends??

    right now I joined some hobby classes,a job etc to keep me occupied.

    Honestly more than having friends I feel like something is wrong with me if I don’t have friends.Sure friendships make life beautiful but it is not happening to me:(

    I recently came back from India and my bestie had introduced to me to her friends group some years back and I was happy having a good time with them when I go there but good luck for me..those friends liked me and my bestie had some rift with them.She forced me to choose ..her or them!
    Big fight..but then I told her they are her friends after all and I won’t some between her and them.so that’s over.


    Today why the above? My mother in law is with me.She had observed some neighbors and my cosister who has a social group. She told me “I wonder why u don’t have any friends or group.It is so weird”…

    weird?? Not having friends or social group..honestly it put me off..not coz of the comment but that is a trigger for me..


    I consider myself polite and respectful and even in my office they said that..even in IL I think I have been nice and don’t get into many arguments or disrespectful words…

    It’s my nature to be careful..


    Honestly if there are many women like me..I am okay being this way…I don’t need friends but it’s more like a peer pressure..am I going to end up or die lonely?

    I feel like am the only Indian woman in usa who does not have any friend..

    bluntly asking for some consoling words..but truth..
     
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2024
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  2. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    you are fine and you are not alone. I am also guessing you are from tamil or southern background . there is too much calculation happens in the tamil groups :) . most of the time toxic too.

    my new home which i came 3 years back , i made a new friend who was super sweet and communicative. she was reaching to ask help in dance and gym, which i took as a bonding reaction. then after some time another tamil family moved next, suddenly she stopped reaching out , i also tried calling multiple times but it was a cold rejection. my husband was mocking me for being naïve.

    you are fine. lot of friendships are not genuine or are calculative now a days.
     
  3. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks dear..was just feeling bad coz of mil comment (honestly she didn’t meant to trigger me but just blurted out but it’s my insecurity so won’t blame her )

    just sometimes it hurts if I am being too selective or too sensitive like something is wrong from my side..but your reply made me a tad better thanks

    also am not choosing only Tamil friends ..honey my best friends who left for India were from UP:) language and cultural differences but we gelled and that was 15 years back hmm..

    It feels so much peer pressure to be a part of a group..
     
  4. preethil

    preethil New IL'ite

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    Anika987 , is there any way i can connect with you ?. I have seen some of your posts and feel like you are my typing my thoughts. I would like to connect with you. let me know.
     
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  5. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    @preethil is from Chennai TN and @anika987 woukd gel well vicariously.

    Ok you now think u r under pressure to make friends by hook or crook thanks to your MIL AND SO YOU are skeptical that something like karma is preventing you from discovering and enlarging friends circle that hobnobs.

    You need not hv apprehensions that you are alone in this universe left out to be without desirable amicable social Amis. The world is full of such women and men too preferring it that way because of past negative exp.

    As an antithesis to your apprehension, I must say the following:

    I hv a friend whose nature is to befriend any one at the drop of a hat. He was carrying always a lemon or two that one can easily get the scent of it. He has a huge friends circle that ever expands as in the successful Amway Distributor. When asked how he could make it in two different countries reach Golden level his answer was that one he carries hidden in pocket fresh lemon and second Gift of the Gab. (Are you reminded of late comedian Nagesh in Tamil movie THILLANA மோகனாம்பாள்?)
     
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  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    If you are fine with being alone, and if you enjoy it then continue the same. Don't force yourself with friends and friendship if that is so unnatural to you.
    However, if you really miss those gatherings, and friendships and think having none in a foreign land is abnormal (like how your MIL thinks), then make small efforts to find some friendships. It is definitely an effort worth it.
    But, you do not need friends to gather or have parties etc...
    You only need people... That's all.
    With all those acquaintance and colleagues you can very well take part in gatherings and have fun.
    There are putlocks for apartment people, colleagues, parents of kids group etc... these buddies are not friends, but just acquaintance that's all.

    Regardless of the relationship whether it is close friendships or just acquaintanceship, always remember one thing!
    Keep your expectation very minimal. Don't overdo anything with the hope that others will reciprocate the same and return the favor.
    Don't take offence if some or the other gives lose talks in the group.... Learn to ignore unpleasant conversations without beating yourself for that.

    For ex:
    I have heard negative comments from such groups about my dresses, hair style, choice of life style and what not. I used to get angry and fight or stay away from those people in the past. But as I mature, I learned to disengage from such conversations and stay grounded. This way, I can subtly control their talks, and limit them. Even if they go overboard, I wouldn't mind because they are not my friends. So, no heart breaks.

    Btw, I have a couple of best friends. They have become like family to me. They do not live in the country where I live right now. But they are the go to people for whatever the issue I have.
    We don't have weekly or monthly gatherings or fun time together since long. But we meet whenever time permits.
    We can continue the friendship regardless of those meetings.

    But with acquaintance, with whom I enjoy wine or putlock or time to time gatherings and trips, the fun last as long as I am part of their gang. The moment I leave, we both forget the relationship and become no one to each.

    Having no one to go to, or no invitations to such gatherings since the past 20 years may be considered weird by others. So, I wouldn't blame your MIL. But if you think this is what keeps you sane, then it is totally up to you.

    In fact, I am becoming like you these days, and started to like/love my self company than any of these fake acquaintance to keep myself alive. It is a blessing, I mean it. So, enjoy :)

    To kill my time, I walk on the streets, observe the people and always go to a new street/place which I have never been to, do window shopping (and actual shopping too) in different malls, dine alone and try new cuisines... Yesterday I visited a new Vietnamese restaurant just by myself. I also developed a new interest towards make up and hair dressing, so I watch a lot of videos on them and try out with different products as a hobby.

    When you have so much love to give, why don't you consider giving something to your self?
     
  7. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Hi preethi! Have started a conversation with you:) message me when you have time
     
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  8. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Well said sgbv..

    that’s what I want..I need people..am all for it

    But when it comes to socializing and going out and eating etc ..feels like a trap..after a while tough to get out especially when they live in the same
    Community..

    yeah sometimes as u said people decide just coz am a bit aloof they get upset but I cannot be unnatural..an introvert trying to be an extrovert is so draining..not everyone is cut out for socializing but as u said I like and need people..like pooja or function or small talks when we walk..that’s good for me. However groupism exists :(

    Thanks for the reply and love the way you put things..I keep reading it again and again feels good:)
     
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  9. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @anika987,

    What is the point in compromising to increase the number of friends? Self-esteem is important and your values should be given preference over establishing more friendship. Right from my childhood, I was choosy about friends and I continue to remain that way even at my age of 70. I have many acquintances but for them to become friends, I should spend more time to learn more about them. Trust is #1 in any friendship when they violate the trust, it is a wasted friendship.

    Don't worry about being alone but respect the fact that you are standing up for your own values. If friendship come along with mutual respect, then, it is welcome. If you have to compromise too much to have friendship, then, it is not a genuine friendship and it won't last long anyway. Unless you feel lonely because of that, there is nothing to worry about not having any friends or too many friends.
     
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  10. wish4miracle

    wish4miracle Gold IL'ite

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    Is it something like you need people around but little scared of past bad friendships that stops you from initiating the conversion.
    If so, letting go of past bad friendship thoughts helps. Also, I took few tips from IL posts on friendships and gatherings.

    Being an introvert and, I am still terrorized of the thought of being in big gatherings(even attending my kid's school gathering) but wanted a good friendship. I was blaming myself for not being extrovert and thought I will not find a friend who can reciprocate. But I have few friends now with whom I can share my thoughts and friendship. One of them is an extrovert, and she can understand my introvert thing very well, and she speaks Telugu, and we talk in English :)

    Lot of people around us with different levels of thought process, and you will find people you think you can share a good rapport :)

    Pls completely ignore your MIL s comment. That's just bluff. You are good
     
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