The Other Side Of Foreign Employment

MeenLoch · Aug 22, 2007

I have recently moved to US.My mother got operated for Hernia. I keep worrying if she s taking care of herself. She is too dynamic and brisk to sit and take rest. On other hand is my single MIL who stays with her MIL. She works, but finds life boring.I talk to both almost everyday. MIl was rejected for visa twice..So she s not able to make it here. Adjusting with in-laws is one thing, but u are talking about a bigger issue, as to how in life, a choice of one means losing another.

Me or my husband wont be there next to them, even in case of emergency.
Is this what we can do for our parents? Was a choice of staying abroad wrong. The questions cross my mind often.

Thanks to VOIPs and calling cards, which we have almost taken for granted. Atleast we get to bridge the gap to some extent.

sunkan · Aug 22, 2007

MeenLoch said: ↑

I have recently moved to US.My mother got operated for Hernia. I keep worrying if she s taking care of herself. She is too dynamic and brisk to sit and take rest. On other hand is my single MIL who stays with her MIL. She works, but finds life boring.I talk to both almost everyday. MIl was rejected for visa twice..So she s not able to make it here. Adjusting with in-laws is one thing, but u are talking about a bigger issue, as to how in life, a choice of one means losing another.

Me or my husband wont be there next to them, even in case of emergency.
Is this what we can do for our parents? Was a choice of staying abroad wrong. The questions cross my mind often.

Thanks to VOIPs and calling cards, which we have almost taken for granted. Atleast we get to bridge the gap to some extent.
Click to expand...

dear meenloch,

now dont feel guilty, after all life is like that now, better means and better life, but yes india is moving ahead with good salary and you can reconsider settling back here, but what ever may be the distance it is the way how u keep in touch is the main thing, try sending a post card, or may be a handwritten letter, these things play a very important role even now, get the grandchildren to talk. we need to interact more thats all...please ease ur conscience and try to contribute in what ever way possible and relax there is someone high above too. we can never underestimate him...sunkan

Malathijagan · Aug 22, 2007

Dear Sungan,
It is true that when the kids fly away from home looking for greener pastures, the parents are left with no other choice but to take care of themselves. If we are lucky we have good friends and relatives around in times of need. As the couple grow older and all their faculties start deserting them little by little, insecurity creeps in. And what with the new gen. young couples needing some privacy amidst their busy schedule (since both of them are usually employed), joint family system is disappearing fast. It is not only privacy, the young couples have very low tolerance levels between themselves (between the spouses) and they would not like their parents to go through a trauma watching them fight with each other. Yes, quite a lot of them keep their parents financially secure, but then their emotional needs? The poor old couple are leftlamenting to each other-'Enakku nee unakku naan/ namakku eedhu veroruvar? And for the ones who have lost their spouse, what else can I say except that "Make the whole world our friend".
Sungan, this was a touching piece.

kanaka Raghavan · Aug 22, 2007

Dear Sunkan
Yours was really a touching piece.It is true that children have to look for greener pastures and the same time the parents have to be left behind.My father always used to suggest that either his brothers or sister or my mother's brother and family come and stay with him and my mother.So that they will not feel lonely.But he passed away in Feb and my brother once for all came back from Canada.My mother in law stays with all the 3 of her sons.I feel it is the daughter.s duty to take care of her parents.We took of my mother till my brother came back and still are.

Vysan · Aug 22, 2007

Dear Sunkan

Nice topic ... various peoples feelings come out..... In real world there are people who cant stay with their son/daughter due to visa problems and there are people who though can stay with them doesnt want to stay with them for obvious reasons........

Is this because the Older generation not accepting and adopt to the changes??? Is it the fault of the son/daughter who has chosen to go overseas for greener pastures?? Does this not happen within the families where the son/daughter living in the same place??

After reading urs/shanvy...... Self/kids/hubby prioritising..... I always thought the reverse works verygood for a closely knit family......

Should you move back because of parents/IL. Should we sacrifice our carreers for hubby/family????????.........

I really dont know.......... If you could help me out.........

Thanks
Veda

sunkan · Aug 23, 2007

Malathijagan said: ↑

Dear Sungan,
It is true that when the kids fly away from home looking for greener pastures, the parents are left with no other choice but to take care of themselves. If we are lucky we have good friends and relatives around in times of need. As the couple grow older and all their faculties start deserting them little by little, insecurity creeps in. And what with the new gen. young couples needing some privacy amidst their busy schedule (since both of them are usually employed), joint family system is disappearing fast. It is not only privacy, the young couples have very low tolerance levels between themselves (between the spouses) and they would not like their parents to go through a trauma watching them fight with each other. Yes, quite a lot of them keep their parents financially secure, but then their emotional needs? The poor old couple are leftlamenting to each other-'Enakku nee unakku naan/ namakku eedhu veroruvar? And for the ones who have lost their spouse, what else can I say except that "Make the whole world our friend".
Sungan, this was a touching piece.
Click to expand...

thanku malathi,
that was a wonderful extention of my article, yes! i do find a lot of older lot who dont want to leave their homes, and children need their privacy, u r right, so the difference of time and mental set up and emotional ties which we take it a little too far, worrying for a grand daughter who is going to write her exam in another place and so many extended family get all our patronage and worries and anxiety driving all the bp and sugar up to a higher level....sunkan

sunkan · Aug 23, 2007

Vysan said: ↑

Dear Sunkan

Nice topic ... various peoples feelings come out..... In real world there are people who cant stay with their son/daughter due to visa problems and there are people who though can stay with them doesnt want to stay with them for obvious reasons........

Is this because the Older generation not accepting and adopt to the changes??? Is it the fault of the son/daughter who has chosen to go overseas for greener pastures?? Does this not happen within the families where the son/daughter living in the same place??

After reading urs/shanvy...... Self/kids/hubby prioritising..... I always thought the reverse works verygood for a closely knit family......

Should you move back because of parents/IL. Should we sacrifice our carreers for hubby/family????????.........

I really dont know.......... If you could help me out.........

Thanks
Veda
Click to expand...

dear veda,
it is not the distance or the place but the emotional ties which we indians have and to a very extended level, we are worriers basically, and so we dont want to be in the way of their life, the children i mean, and as elders, we are so habituated to contributions our self pride does not allow us to be a burden on the younger lot, it is more out of love. never despair, try to cheer the elders, by getting the grandchildren to talk, ask them to send some picture cards, not to forget their birthdays or anniversary, or festival days, for each when you ring up and tell amma i miss u so much here, it increases the bond, nowadays by god's grace the communication is so much easier, those days the telephones were expensive and hand written letters by the time u get a reply to ur not keeping well, u would be wonderful walking around and the letter says, take this kashayam or that, and so on...so talk more, whenever possible and dont feel guilty, work out on what can be done to better it rather than feel low..sunkan

sunkan · Aug 23, 2007

kanaka Raghavan said: ↑

Dear Sunkan
Yours was really a touching piece.It is true that children have to look for greener pastures and the same time the parents have to be left behind.My father always used to suggest that either his brothers or sister or my mother's brother and family come and stay with him and my mother.So that they will not feel lonely.But he passed away in Feb and my brother once for all came back from Canada.My mother in law stays with all the 3 of her sons.I feel it is the daughter.s duty to take care of her parents.We took of my mother till my brother came back and still are.
Click to expand...

dear kanaka,
it is very true that we girls can take care of our parents more, but due to the old mental attitude they think only the son should take care, i support the girl system is because she knows the likes and dislikes of her parents, from food habits, to many other things, so we are able to adjust to mother in law as well & our parents.

my father in law stayed with my sis in law a widow untill he died, we also knew he is more comfortable there, no amount of money can give that understanding, and co ordination.

we can expect that to come into force soon, that daughters are more better off than son where taking care is concerned, and we would trump...sunkan

MeenLoch · Aug 23, 2007

Daughters are more emotional usually. Also to some extent she can manage husband and parents staying together. A man usually is ill equipped when he has to have mother and wife together. Daughters can take better care of her parents than a son would. She will be sensitive to their emotions. If a girl has a career and makes money, i think she gets the say, and this setup will work fine.
In my case I would love to do that. For my MIL he s the only son. No other child. So in her case it s again us.

As others say in this thread, sometimes it s good parents are not around, I mean they need not feel bad about the fights, and they need not take sides, they can live as they wish, talk to people around, kings and queens of their own palaces. At son's place or daughter's place they have to oblidge to some extent. It takes time to adjust from both sides.

Ideal thing in my view would be, parents staying at some easily accessible distance. This way the relationship will be pleasant. U can meet them whenever u want, even if they are single and let the grand children interact.( I know in most cases it wont be practical. Son maybe blamed for such a setup.)
This does not guarantee tht there will be no interference( as it depends on individual), but it s a compromise somewhere between.

sumisen · Sep 6, 2007

Hi everybody
I have a friend Who was living with her inlaws in india while her husband working abroad, After 5 years they decided to move with her kids to live with her husband. Unfortunately at the last moment her FIL passed away when there was only a few days for their departure to join her husband. So She cancelled her trip and stayed with ther Mother in law again. ( They took TC for her daughter from school and send off parties were arranged by their friends after all these arrangements she willingly stayed back to look after her bereaving MIL). MIL was a healthy lady and she was very brisk better than her dil. They again planned to join her husband after 2 years since children were insisting to live with daddy. She joined her husband and was living peacefully for may be 2 years. Henceforth the problem started, MIL started complaining she is alone they brought her with them to live with them, but after some time she refused to live with them and wanted to go back to India. She felt she enjoys more freedom in India alone.

MY friend's hubby started pestering his wife to go back to India to join his mother and take care of her. My friend started feeling insecure and felt she is taken for granted. She doesnt want to go back just for the sake of mother in law and she wanted to bring her to live with them, so that everybody can live together ( Children will not miss their daddy, My friend will not miss her husband and MIL will not miss her son and grand children) But both Mother and son doesnt want to agree for this arrangement and every year at the end of the academic year He will tell my friend to go back to India. My friend will fall sick and depressed because ofthis and slowly she spoiled her health completely. After 5 years ( Every year problem arises and slowly get settled as soon as the school reopens) she was atlast forced by her husband to join her mother. My friend was so reluctant and atlast she left to India.

Now my friend has become a sick person mentally disturbed taking lot of steroids for her health problems and now her total happiness in life is spoiled.
Children are upset since they are away from their daddy. MIL is a kind of dominating personality interfering in each and every activity.

Here Who is to be blamed? MIL DIL husband what is the best solution in this matter.