The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it ?

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

Every post can be picked apart until the OP loses track of who she/he is answering to. Both of us know that.
Comparing extra marital affairs to MIL-DIL issues is apples to oranges.
An apt comparison would be extra marital affair when posted by a man and when posted by a woman. And as u acknowledge we will treat them all same .We hold a baton to marital-fidelity... no?


MIL-DIL issues when posted by a man or his mom ,responses given by a poster who has a DIL are not handled the same way as when they are posted by a DIL.
A poster can call her MIL bitch her husband a dog and everything in between and we look the other way. WE gloss over the contents.
99% of the posters do. If a poster like periamma talks about hardships faced by a parent we are ready to put words into her mouth about her lack of mention of hardships about daughters . We rip her post apart until she is fatigued and stops posting... If this isnt bigotry..can someone enlighten me on what it is ?

 

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

Dear Kamala
Thank you so much so much for stopping..its posts like these..posters like you who I miss in the rel-forum. Please come back!!!

 

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

A much needed discussion! What's the M-i-l's view point and why does she not write here like the d-i-l!!

Dear Darmesh, I can understand why you question ! Like Anita has mentioned, I am sure there were some inputs in the past and they went into the folds of IL. You may have to search for them!

I logged in expressly here to show my amazement at Kkrish (Kamala aunty?!?:biggrin2 input! I am yet to acknowledge the nomination which I shall, no doubt!! But I had to rush here to express my admiration for her words. So well put! Kamala, I too join the long line of women who will be envious of your young daughter-in-law even if I am a grandma now!!

The ' M-i-l D-i-l ' relationship is something of a phenomenon that no one, man or woman, is able to understand. Being a woman, I think it is the inherent nature of a female to be wary of the woman who invades her private sphere of affections?!? Both mother and wife of a man are 'eye-ing' each other with great caution and if even a little bit of compassion, understanding and tolerance is lacking in any one of them, not to mention wisdom..the relationship goes kaput!

More later, will come back. In the meantime, hats off to you Kamala!!

L, Kamla

 

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

The MILs we have heard from on this thread seem to be fairly well-adjusted, with mature coping mechanisms and a deeper understanding of family dynamics, and how to be a "senior" in the best sense of the word - by truly turning experience and age into wisdom, and setting a good example for the younger generation.

Obviously, this is not the kind of MIL we are referring to when we discuss the average problematic MIL-DIL problems on these threads. It should be clear to anyone who has spent any significant amount of time on the Relationships/Family forums that there is a pressing need for more of this sort of progressive thinking.

It is noteworthy, to me anyway, that the kind of thinking that KKrish shows is deserving of FP nominations and gushing praise. To me, this is how most/all MILs should behave and think, because like I said, it is a sign of normal and healthy relationships with son and DIL. The fact that we are celebrating functional modes of thinking to this extent shows just how rare this is in our community.

Bad MILs, then, are clearly a problem; I don't see what's wrong with accepting that. There's no doubt in my mind they create bad DILs, which is obviously not desirable, either. Then there are good MILs like KKrish and others - do we not hear from them in great numbers, because perhaps, there aren't too many of them? Or, perhaps there is no motivation for DILs/MILs in good relationships to post here? Similarly, I am sure there are horrible DILs out there, but we aren't likely to hear from them, either.

I have a good relationship with my Indian MIL. But this doesn't mean I can or should discount the stories I hear here about DILs who have not had similar good fortune. My not having personally experienced such ill-treatment shouldn't preclude me from understanding, accepting, and supporting others who suffering.

 

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

I do not have enough experience to comment on this topic, But this is what i think about this.

Not all MILs are mean, if one is then these might be the reasons.

1. Past - 'My MIL treated me like this so do I' mentality.
2. Insecure feeling - As many people mentioned, 'My baby boy likes another woman'
3. Jealous - DILs are more educated and more competitive.
4. Empty mind is devil's workshop - No, I dont mean MILs are jobless. I meant if a MIL is interfering too much in DILs life then those MILs need to keep themselves busy.

There are mean DILs too, but i guess the combination matters.
Mean DIL and Mean MIL --- Street fights, relations lose their value
Mean DIL and Good MIL ---These MILs are mature enough to ignore planning and plotting of DILs as they are confident enough to not stoop down and fight or they are experienced enough to understand all these are senseless.
And this is what happening here. MIL are tech savvy but they choose not to think about these fights
Good DIL mean MIL --- girls cant ignore/bear MILs behavior many times and need to vent so IL is a good and safe place to do so. People these days have a lot of pressure work, managing the house, parents, etc. In all this people cant bear immature behavior of MILs.

Good DIL and Good MILs --- No problems apart from some nok-jhok

P.S : Sorry if i said something wrong. No offense meant. No intention to hurt anybody

 

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

JAGS, Of course it isn't fair to compare threads such as these with the ones on EMAs. It is also true that posters are sometimes kinder to women venting out their problems than they are to men. One should certainly refrain from name-calling.
But none of the posters who responded to periamma's comment put words in her mouth. Why is it wrong to wonder why the hardships faced by only one set of parents is gloated over, a mature lady's hard feelings for a newly-wed young woman are justified and attributed to all women and why a mother feels she loses something when her son her gets married ?
According to me, this isn't bigotry. They are just people who do not subscribe to her point of view.
Dharmesh, Allowing a person to express his/her views comfortably does not mean that the rest of us nod in agreement to whatever the person says. Demanding that others do so is bigotry.We are free to contradict, seek explanations etc.
None of the responses insinuated that all MILs were malicious. However, periamma herself, by making stating that a mother becomes resentful seeing her son's love for his wife and that ALL mothers of ALL sons felt this way, made a sweeping generalization and dismissed it due to a generation gap ! If she herself declares that ALL mothers of sons are susceptible to feelings of this kind, then is she not validating the feelings of a lot of women who view their MILs with suspicion ?
In addition, Satchi mam has an explanation why a MIL would possibly prolong a lose-lose situation without driving herself crazy.
Is it possible for a husband to strike a balance between his wife and his 'immature' possessive mom ?