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The memories of a monsoon

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by shabd, Jun 24, 2010.

  1. shabd

    shabd Bronze IL'ite

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    [JUSTIFY]It is Tuesday. Hubby left for work. My baby is sleeping. I am sitting alone in my flat looking at the opposite flats from my window. Will there be any other ladies in that building who is alone looking for a company like me? I always wonder.

    My cell phone cried. It’s my mom. She calls me whenever I think of her. There must be something called telepathy between us. She told me it’s raining heavily there. Here it’s very hot and in kerala, it’s raining cats and dogs.

    Monsoon…Even though my mom didn’t mean to remind me of him, thinking of the rain, he came to my mind. His innocent face… his smile… his cute little gifts…

    We loved rainy seasons. Most of the children of our age used to hate rains. But we loved to get wet in the rain. We loved its music. We imagined the different moods of rain. He was the one who made me fallen in love with nature. Infact he was the guide of my life- The one who taught me the meaning of love, the one who taught me the joy of sharing, the one who insisted me to be happy always.

    Whenever I was alone, he was there for me. He always had solutions to my problems. When I feel down, he was there for me with an all purpose hug. Some times he was like a parent to me, giving advice when needed; Some times he was like a friend, sharing all my feelings; some times he was just my loving brother…he was the world for me.

    He loved to put music on very high volume. Some times we switch on music loudly and dance like crazy people till we get exhausted. The happiest moments in my life…he always said “life is too short to be spent worrying. So always enjoy every bit of life.” I enjoyed every bit of my life when he was there with me.

    Bikes were his passion. He was crazy about its speed. Some times when I go out with him, I scream at him to reduce the speed. He will make fun of me for being such a coward. Then with a serious look on his face he will tell me “believe me, my bike wont cheat me. I have good control over my bike.” Like always I would believe him and I would go with him without the slightest fear.

    Every thing was so perfect that day. When he went out he told me that he will be back in an hour. I believed him as always. I waited for him. Even after hours he didn’t come. News spread in our neighborhood that the eighteen year old teenager who had left for tuition met with an accident. Everybody knew it. But no one dared to tell me.

    Many visitors came to my house. I was wondering why. But still I smiled and greeted them. One elder lady came to me sobbing. She took my hands and told me that he was no more. I shouted at her . How can she tell me like that? I grabbed his picture from my album and showed her. I told her to look at that picture. Was that him she saw lifeless? Was that him? I screamed again and again.

    Every body made me sit in the bed. I saw my mom. She was sitting like a corpse. When she saw me she hugged me and started crying loudly. But I pushed her aside. I ran to my room and closed the door leaving every one outside. How can he die? He is just 18 years old. No, he is not dead. He is fooling us. How can he leave me alone like this? How can he leave his only sister? How can he break all the promises he made? He will come back with his usual smile. He can’t leave me alone like that. There was heavy rain outside the house. I hated rain for the first time in my life.

    The next day he came home. Every body cried when he came home. I didn’t cry. I didn’t want to see him. It was not him. He won’t leave me like that. Somebody asked me to have one last look. I could never see him again. I went towards him shivering. He was lying there as if he was having a pleasant dream. He was covered with white clothes. There was the usual smile on his face. I felt as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I screamed. I asked him to wake up. I begged him not to go. But he didn’t hear me.

    My whole world changed. I didn’t know what to do. All my happiness was taken away from me all of a sudden. I felt so alone. I asked god, why him? Why not me? I wanted to talk to him for one last time. I wanted to hug him and tell him how much I loved him. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him. But of course I couldn’t. He was gone. Thoughts of death occurred to me frequently.

    I noticed my mom. She was taking care of our house as always. She was following her routines as if nothing wrong had happened to us. She prepared my favorite dishes and forced me to eat it. She lost her son. How can she remain calm like this? Had she never loved him?

    I hold her hand and looked at her. Without asking anything, she read what was going through my mind. She sat beside me. She told me, “My kids are the most precious gift god gave me. Your brother is very special to me. It’s hard to think that I will never be able to see him. There are no words to describe it. I ask all sorts of questions to myself. Was I a good mom? Did I do everything I could have possibly done for him?” Her eyes got wet. “God has bigger plans for him. That’s why he chose to take care of your brother. He will never know any stress of life. He will always be remembered with love. We will always pray for him. Why should I worry about him when he is always protected by god? It’s like questioning God “.

    That was the first time in my life I noticed how strong my mom was. She seemed like an angel to me. Tears rolled down through my cheeks. She brushed it away. She told me, “Not loving life is like not loving him.” She was right, not loving life is like not loving him. He was the one who taught me how to love every bit of my life. He was the one who always told me never to surrender before fate.

    I started loving life once again. Whenever fate seemed to conquer me, I told myself that I will never give up.

    It has been 5 years since my brother passed away. I got married and I have a daughter now. After becoming a mom, I always wonder how my mom managed to remain calm on that situation. I asked her about it when I last visited her. She told me, “I had already lost my son. I didn’t want to miss you too. I had no other choice.”

    Life is about choices. You choose how you react to situations. You can never change your past. But you can change your attitude towards it. "When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always thinks twice, once for herself and once for her child." [/JUSTIFY]
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2010
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  2. Priya_Mommy

    Priya_Mommy Gold IL'ite

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    Shabd,
    This is very touching post ever in IL for me. Well said, “Not loving life is like not loving him.” Hatsoff to your mom for gaining strength after your brother's demise. Don't miss her, Mom is the best in this world.
     
  3. knot2share

    knot2share Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Shabd

    Beautiful and Painful!

    I am really sorry to hear about what had happened five years ago to your brother. But your mother is a very strong lady and she is right. Also you are strong too. We always have those moments of weakness but your attitude to fight it is right. Don't hate the monsoon rains. Let it come and drench you all over and soak you with the beautiful memories of all the good and fun times you all had as a family.

    Life is about choices. You choose how you react to situations. - I can't agree more with you.
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2010
  4. Mindian

    Mindian IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi shabd,

    that was really sad .i can imagine how much you must be missing your brother.And you must make it up to your mother by being the best daughter because she chose to be BRAVE for you.she really is a strong lady.:)
     
  5. amihere

    amihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Shabd, I am at a loss of words. Your mother is indeed really strong , how I wish I can have that courage when I face the dark corners in life.
    What we loose sometimes is irreplacable, but yes as your mom rightly said running away from life due to that is not the solution.
     
  6. ambika04

    ambika04 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Shabd,

    After reading your post I remember meeting one of my friend who lost her father.Actually we went to console her but she said firmly "my father is in my blood,in my vein,my breath,Im his dream,im his life".

    I have no words to express the feeling I have after reading your post as tears flow down but I can pray for your mother & for you too.
     
  7. ganges

    ganges Gold IL'ite

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    dear shabd,

    I am really proud of you and your mom dear. I am not going to say that I feel sorry. I admired your moms courage. we have to learn a lot from this thread of yours. just enjoy your life friend and keep your mom happy. thanks for sharing this wonderful thread.


    ganges
     
  8. kelly1966

    kelly1966 Platinum IL'ite

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    My dear shabd,... many hugs to you dear... I can feel the pain you are experiencing thru this blogs.... your post is toooooo touching.. 18years is not an age to gp.. but your brave mom had said corect God had other plans for him......
    yet toooooo painful....
    admire your mom's courage..
    K
     
  9. monifa13

    monifa13 Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Shabd - My hugs to you and my hugs and salutes to your mom. She is a great. Not all can accept the death of a dear one as she did. I have lost my parents and all my three brothers and many other near and dear ones but each time I faced death it never failed to give me a jolt. When we are born we don't know what we will become in our life - an engineer or a doctor or a pilot - the list is too long. But we all know that this life is not permanent and we all have to leave someday. Death doesn't scare me anymore; but when someone grieves for the loss of their loved ones, my heart cries with them, for them.. Thank God your mom has you and be there for her always my dear Shabd. Your brother is not gone, he will be there watching you both from his heavenly abode...
     
  10. Arunarc

    Arunarc Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Shabd
    Your post is very sad and touchy one.
    It is so hard to believe your loved one is not with you. Hats off to your mom...
    Be always be there for your mom as she is not showing her sadness of losing her son so that you will be strong looking at her.
     

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