The Magic Spell - Bipolar Disorder

Welcome to inside world of a bipolar.
I was diagnosed with bipolar in the year 2009. It just showed me how powerful one's brain can be. My psychiatrist said that in bipolar disorder the brain loses it's connections and there is an imbalance in the chemical reactions in the brain. Enough said about that, What I felt physically is completely different. What I experienced are mentioned as symptoms in the books.


It all started when I got low grades during my masters in US. I broke down, which should not be the case. To top it off, I had a string of bad relationships. One of which was only for sex but I fell in love with that person. I used have a huge crush on one of my professor also.


I was always in the feeling of grandeur, which was later on. After I got my low grades, I was crying whenever possible, uncontrollable tears, I could not sleep properly for 2 weeks, tried everything in the net to get sleep, which was unsuccessful. Like for example drinking hot milk, meditation etc. One fine day, I slept, I got a dream, to my fate, it was a horror dream, I was standing in the kitchen and the slippers started to walk on their own towards me, freaked me out in the dream and I screamed in the dream, woke up screaming in reality. That was the point, when I started to break off from reality.
I started to think that I was Socrates, or at least I understood philosophy. I always had a thing to study philosophy, never did anyways. After the dream, I got immense power in me, must have been the amalgamation of chemicals, I was walking fast, playing badminton relentlessly, observing every small thing, If something was lost, I was worried, because it is USA, I did not have access to sleeping pills or psychiatric medicines in hand. My mother knew I was losing contact with reality, I would call her in the middle of the night and sing, and I felt I sang like a nightingale, don't know what my mom felt. My mom took a chance of sending the medicines by post from India, which failed utterly. Meanwhile I was telling my friends, hiding my face in the sofa, if medicines come , please give them to me, even if I say "NO" to them.


I was all haywire and thought I could read everyone's mind. I was predicting what someone was going to say. My international student coordinator came to take me to university hospital. As soon as I was approaching the hospital, fear built up and I thought they were going to kill me, reason being I have preserved my innocence and they know it, even I don't know now who "they" are.


As soon as the car stopped, I ran into woods, police came, ambulance came. They forcefully taken into the ambulance, all I was saying is don't hurt me, I love you all and started singing Celine Dion's song, my heart will go on, all the way till I reached the hospital. I was placed in a bed and I was asking the doctor to send my professor in, who I had crush on, I wanted to tell him something, which was , that " there is nothing there", meaning we study, we follow a religion, we live, we die, we spend our lives searching for salvation. I wanted to tell him that to stop searching, because "there is nothing there". I was not ready to share that with anyone, I was obsessed to tell that to my professor first. Which the doc was telling me he is not there outside, which I was not ready to believe.
By this time my auditory hallucinations kicked in, I was hearing voices, I was believing that I could hear my professor's voice and that he is observing me in cam, stupid webcam's everywhere we go these days, makes you wanna believe someone is watching you all the time. My friend brought me a sub which I had the day before, I was ate it, then had a doubt if it was poisoned. All the nurses, male and female surrounded me, and I thought this was the end, they were going to kill me, I shouted to the top of my lungs, something like exorcist, when the exorcism was going on. Then I went down, they were taking me on the stretcher, I felt happy, as though there was no need for walking, they r finally seeing me as a wise soul, then bam! they led me to the ward. All this while auditory hallucinations were happening. I was friendly with the nurse, no personal boundaries.
Now here, my memory is blur, I can only remember bit's and pieces of what happened, which I will write about.


The nurse was very friendly, then the male nurses came to give me injection, i am no sure if they were acting to give injection or really gave me one, because I surely did not feel a thing. They left me in the common area in the ward, which the T.V on, America's funniest video's was on, but I was upset I was put in a cage, forced into giving injection, that I did not laugh to the AFV. I was just sitting there, when another woman, who I don't know is crazy or not, came in, I saw her and went near her, I cannot remember what she spoke, but I told her that she was beautiful.


She went and came with make-up, again no personal boundaries, I told her again she was more beautiful. I was touching her face gently, she let me. Then I was taken to my room, dreadful room, which was my prison for coming one month. Although the bed is adjustable I did not know how to use it, as I was not in my senses. I would sit there on the bed, there were two cameras in-front of me, which when I was checking out, nurse told me were not working, and I would show to the world that these were emotions, laughing, crying, sad, frown, etc. If I were in the doc's place I would term myself crazy seeing what I was doing.


Then it was like 3 voices sat inside my head. One the guy I love, one my friend and one master mind, who I do not know. I thought they injected metal balls in me, kind of like "Beautiful Mind", the movie. These metal balls control my periods and etc.
I thought the guy I loved was a doctor, psychiatrist in fact, treating me. He designed all this to get me to the mental ward where we both could live happily, free from the world outside, kinda like Adam and Eve. Then there is this room, dark room they put you into. I was scared at first, then thought my lover put me in, I was jumping in joy, and I thought the docs were asking me, if we do not study what to do, I told them to play video games, physical work out is important, not studies, we need to sweat.
It was my world, everything was beautiful.


There was an old woman beside my room, I do not know what she had, but she spoke very nicely to me. We became friends, we used to walk in the ward, at the end of the walking area, there was a room, and a window, where she would stand, looking outside, cars would go out and in. What I use to think, she must have seen all life, children, grand children, now no one with her. I was moved by her. I used to think that ultimately ours is a dog's life, watching cars, playing, eat, sleep, have sex etc.


I always wanted to get out of that room, which the nurses would not let me. I met different people, who I do not remember now. Finally my mom came to get me. I was telling docs that I had schizophrenia, docs were telling me, it was bipolar disorder, but I was not buying it.


The thing is that I never expected it to hit me, no clue. It destroyed everything, My studies, My relationships, My life.
Sad thing is I so wanted all what I hallucinated or imagined to be true. I have no clue where the guy is, whom I love so deeply, my professor, obviously does not love me, because he has his own life, wife, kids etc.
All I am left with is disappointment. What does it take for a guy to love back and have a committed relationship. When it comes to sex, all are ready but when it comes to love and responsibility every one backs out.
I think back of my mind, I am still hung up on that guy, till today.
I got well, got married to different guy, had a baby, then bam! 2nd bipolar attack happened, same thing repeated, the guy I loved came back, this time, I was so sure he would come for me in my imagination. He does not have a clue as too what is happening with me. He is somewhere happily deflowering some other.