The Low That Never Stops Lowering

My mom passing was an all time low.
Then I married a real idiot. Then sent him out of the house. this is over an year ago. No reconciliation happened til now.
Then I had 2 failed iui and a failed IVF (just finished 43rd birthday)
then I lost my mangalsutra. my parents hard earned money. almost 1.8 laks
then my old boss referred me for a job in the company and the interviewer told me during the interview that I wont suit the job , (the job that I was doing all the while anyway)
for last 6 months, I was taking ayurved for improving amh and it did improve int he last 2-3 readings. But yesterday, it was 0.04!!! like 0.04???? seriously?
then dad is sick, and has nueral disease. two days back, he packed his bag and said he was leaving to live with his brother!!!! he cant walk properly , he doesnt remember peoples names, his tablets cant be skipped. his urine and stools keep leaking and I have to clean things. And how did he even think of leaving. And what was in his bag? a shirt, a pant, bank passbook, checkbook, phone, specs. no charger, no medicines, no medical reports. my heart sank. What if I didnt wake up at that time???? what can I do if he leaves middle of the night? I hope the watchman will call me, but isnt this panicking? So I switched on his location sharing on maps.

My failures dont stop lowering their standards! I went to a therapist but it wasnt worth it. I dont want to spend more money on more doctors. I know no one can come close to being an honest well wisher as mom, but this is just tiring.

 

thank you everyone for the time you took to write to me. I am trying hard to keep some sanity. taking it easy and eating that chat and pizza I want with ignoring the weight watching mindset (even though I can only go up to that much. Too much butter and I cant even bear the sight of it). meditation is something I need to try and start. And need to get back to yoga. I am also considering employing a cook so I can get the mornings off for some yoga and meditation. I need to finish cooking and arrange it on the table along with my dads meds and somehow even after 1.5 years of doing this all by myself, I still cannot manage the morning time.
I want to make a visit to Assam Kamakhya temple for amma blessings for child.
I want to be at peace with myself. and trying to achieve it.
watching some movies and crying. crying is unburdening me off some weight these days. strange but thats that.

 

the low further lowered in the night ...
at about 1.30 AM , i heard my door bell ringing. I wake up and the watchman was there asking if my father is going somewhere at this time of the night. My heart sank and ran downstairs.
Apparently, he was trying to go to the temple nearby. He thought it was 530/6 AM. (This with 2 ipads, 2 watches, 1 phone and a wall clock) He went till downstairs, went on to the road and fell as the road was nto even.
A few passerby came and tried to get him up. He couldnt stand so he was lying down on the road. One person called ambulance and told that he was an old man but conscious and talking.
I went down and pulled him to sit. talked for a while and brought him back home. Sent the ambulance back.
Now in the morning, he seems to have pain the ankle, fell down in the bedroom but got up again and slept on the bed.
I am sleeping on a mattress right at the entrance so he does not plan to go out again while I am sleeping.
I am hungry, I have a headache. I cant clean the **** and urine today really.
I dont want to make trips to the hospital again.
But its just not up to me. I need a break . I need someone to comfort me. I think I just wanted to tell this to someone but dont want to tell my brother because he is going to ask where my husband is. I sent the husband out almost an year ago.
life is just bad right now.