1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

The (im)purity of having your period...I just don't get it

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Bubbles25, Sep 18, 2013.

  1. Bubbles25

    Bubbles25 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    17
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi ladies,

    I recently got married and my husband is a nice person. Our six month old marriage is largely OK and we are adjusting well. But there's just one part of our relationship that really frustrates me beyond words: my period.

    I am from an Iyer family but I was brought up abroad (i.e. never lived in India). In spite of that, my parents are pretty traditional so if I had my period, I wouldn't be allowed to participate in family functions. My mother would even curse me if I got my period on a religious day/puja day. So needless to say, I hated the constant discrimination against something that I had no control over.

    While I could superficially understand why I wasn't allowed to have my period at my wedding, I just hated the fact that I had to take a pill to delay my period and suffer the pain that ensues afterward. After our wedding, at my mother-in-law's place, I had to wash my hair everyday just because I got my period. I wasn't allowed into the kitchen and no one was allowed to light the lamp (done everyday in the evening) just because I had my period. When we were leaving to go back abroad, my uncle refused to even touch me - even though he knew he wouldn't see me for years afterwards.

    Post marriage - I thought that in my own home, I wouldn't have to endure this sort of nonsense. So for the most part, I don't. But my husband (who is religious) won't do his daily pujas if I have my period. And he insists that I wash my hair on the fourth day so that he can go about his religious duties. It frustrates me because he knows how much I hate the discrimination. He tries to be supportive but somehow just refuses to get over it.

    I hate the sexism. I can't imagine putting my daughter through this. How do I deal with it?
     
    12 people like this.
    Loading...

  2. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,448
    Likes Received:
    2,092
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I agree, it's the religious beliefs. Just try to accommodate the family's wishes. If you believe in it or not, that is different. Go with the flow, don't read into it too much.

    It is part of Hindu wife's duty to support husband's religious rituals.
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,838
    Likes Received:
    2,573
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Then don't.

    Your problem is you basically live in two worlds; a traditional, cultural, non-scientific one, and one where you have a better understanding of the body's processes and the importance of non-discriminatory practices.

    Since your parents, your husband, and your husband's parents all believe firmly that menstruation makes you somehow impure and unfit to participate in religious rituals, I am a bit baffled as to how you expect them to understand your point of view. You seem to be surrounded by people who are not at all on the same wavelength as you, and it seems to me like you are unlikely to change anyone's mind without a battle royal.

    Although I agree with you, I am confused as to how you were expecting to have your way when you clearly knew what the situation would be (unless you had an arranged marriage, and didn't really get a chance to get to know your husband beforehand?). As such, I would just tell you to put up with it. But you raise a trickier issue when it comes to your daughter.

    I, too, am not in favor of giving any young girl the impression that her period is anything to be ashamed of, or something that would render her a contaminant. So, you need to make some hard choices. You can't have it both ways. Either you stand up to your husband, explain your position, and do as you wish when you have your periods, or you submit to his requirements and subject yourself, and your daughter, to a lifetime of this kind of discriminatory behavior. Both positions seem quite challenging to me.

    I'm guessing that in the next generation or two, this belief will die out (in those people raised in Western countries, anyway). Maybe your daughter will automatically be granted immunity in this way. Whatever the case, you will be instrumental in determining your daughter's fate in this matter. Your husband has as much right as you do to influence her thinking, but I would hope that you would try to assert yourself, if only to spare her the kind of conflict and distress you are feeling right now.

    I'm not religious, but I'd like to believe that theoretically, religion seeks to do good. This issue does not reflect that philanthropic spirit.
     
    5 people like this.
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    10,037
    Likes Received:
    24,881
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    If you "hated the constant discrimination against something that you had no control over" how did you and a "religious guy" end up marrying each other?

    A person's belief in something so basic is hard to change. I am not sure it is even fair to try to change it.

    Look into the option of intra-uterine device (IUD) that causes the periods to stop. Talk to your gynecologist and do all due research.

    Why does everybody including Uncle get to know when you are having your period? If you do get an IUD, do not tell anyone other than husband. People, especially the older generation and moms, tend to think all that stuff is piling up in the uterus. :)

     
    1 person likes this.
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    10,037
    Likes Received:
    24,881
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    <Cough> <cough> :coffee
     
    5 people like this.
  6. Mahajanpragati

    Mahajanpragati Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,036
    Likes Received:
    1,330
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    if your hubby doesn't want to do puja when you are having periods then that is his problem.....let him deal with it.......secondly,you would be washing your days everyday or alternately so if you need to wash on demand then whats the problem..............you love your hubby & will do anything to make him happy so why not one extra hairwash.

    my mom religiously followed the no puja-no temple rule during periods for herself but never forced that rule on me & which I feel is the best way to do things-you follow what you like but don't force your opinion on others & that goes for you also.you may not believe in impurity during periods but respect others who do (like your hubby).

    lastly,you may even end up with a daughter who does have this old fashioned views of not doing puja when having periods then remember to give her the freedom to decide for herself ......
     
    2 people like this.
  7. Swasha

    Swasha Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    482
    Likes Received:
    358
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    I think Doctors dont suggest IUDs to Newly wed women. They suggest IUDs only to those women who has atleast 1 kid.
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2013
  8. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,735
    Likes Received:
    11,637
    Trophy Points:
    445
    Gender:
    Female
    You have at least a decade before you will need to start worrying about your daughter's menses. In that time frame a lot will change. Your equation with your husband, and your own position in the family will hopefully be much stronger. Since these are matters that your daughter will discuss with you, and not her dad, you will have the opportunity to determine how they will be handled in your household. The tradition was forced upon you by your mother. It will be largely up to you to not perpetuate it any further.

    As to your own situation, you say that things are much better than they were in your parental home. The only inconvenience is having to wash your hair on demand. I will suggest that you treat it as a chore and do it. If your husband doesn't do his puja, it's on him. Don't be bothered by it. You're only six months into your marriage. You will have the chance to mould the traditions and practices in your household. Do it gradually by chipping away at it, one minor adjustment at a time, not all at once.
     
    7 people like this.
  9. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,735
    Likes Received:
    11,637
    Trophy Points:
    445
    Gender:
    Female
    You are more of an optimist than I am. :)
     
    1 person likes this.
  10. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,610
    Likes Received:
    1,439
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    It's not sexism, it's stupidity. I can't really fathom the reason behind this stupidity. If God created this, there is a reason. It is the uterus preparing to receive the fertilized egg and if nothing happens, the lining is shed and the cycle goes on. It is a natural process. I think the act of having sex should be considered impure because that is what is causing the egg to be fertilized in the first place. So ask your husband to have a head bath after the deed. I wish I could have said sorry to those offended, but really this issue aggravates me ( though I have never had to deal with this) and so I'm not really sorry!
    There is no solution really...you can stay away from parents, inlaws but how can you stay away or fight with your husband? Wish he understood you.
     
    14 people like this.

Share This Page