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The Famous "cold Shoulder"

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Preet82, Jan 14, 2018.

  1. September2015

    September2015 Bronze IL'ite

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    “Once you know you are being ignored by someone NEVER disturb them again”

    I say nothing and allow them to cut me out of their life. We can’t expect everyone to realize our value. When they see the ignoring doesn’t work to get a reaction from you—-they may try to return like nothing ever happened. So to avoid this block them on WhatsApp and on your phone. I now have more peace than I did before. People who can’t make up their mind about you are not worth your stress or time. Life is short don’t allow immature behaviors to torment you please? You are a person, not waste to be disposed and then picked up when they feel like it right? If they want to pretend, stay serious, “I accepted your choice regarding me, shouldn’t you stick with your decision? I already adapted, and I wish to move forward not backwards dear Have a blessed day” lol and walk away!
     
    Preet82 likes this.
  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    It depends on who is giving me the cold shoulder.

    If it is someone very close to me like my H, my mom, my best friend... then I would feel bad, and work on to know the reason behind their cold shoulder. If it is a mere misunderstanding, then I would volunteer to take the first step to clarify things. If it is something wronged from my end, then I would be the first one with apology.
    But if they give the cold shoulder for what I believe is right, yet they are upset, then I would not do anything about it. Of course I would feel broken about the fact that they are upset and angry. But I wouldn't show it out, and pretend to be normal before them.
    Sometimes, I would chose to be honest too. If I am sad, then I would show that out. But I won't go about revising whatever happened to convince them.
    This is all about the cold shoulder treatments of my near/dear ones.

    If this happens with my colleagues, bosses etc... Then I would take it professionally.
    Even if that requires a job change, I wouldn't mind.

    If this happens with some one like in your case, I wouldn't bother unless I was wronged.
    Reflect your last encounter and see who was actually wrong.Perhaps you were right, but your actions would have hurt that old woman. If so, you may consider sending an apology for your actions - not necessarily accepting that you were wrong. Else, leave it. Ignore it completely. If possible avoid her as much as possible.

    Unless she is influencing others to isolate you in a social setting, her actions do not count to bullying. She is simply being hurt or upset with you; hence reacting.
    Looks like, she hasn't even influenced her DD to bully you. So, why bother?
     
    September2015 and Preet82 like this.
  3. Preet82

    Preet82 Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you. I will meet her day after at a gathering. i will observe how she behaves and then make up my mind to just ignore her fully. Thankfully her DD( my friend) is just as normal with me. I do not want to drag her into this. Maybe she is not even aware.
     
  4. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

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    Preeth,

    As an elderly lady, who ought to be more mature emotionally n mentally,than her daughters friend - the lady should have openly brought up the subject with you, given you your say, thrashed out differences n gotten vack to normal.

    If she has decided to sulk, then she is not worth pursuing. If you ask her openly, she might deny any coldness, or thrust the blame on you.

    As long as she will not spoil relations between your friend and you, ignore the mothet. Emotional blackmail is immature n self seeking. I have seen too much of it. It does hurt you initially, you may try to make amends etc, etc.

    Best is walk off n treat her as she treats you. It is a big world, plenty around to understand n.love us. Let the sulkers bask in their pettiness
     
    Preet82, Cheeniya and yellowmango like this.
  5. September2015

    September2015 Bronze IL'ite

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    "Unless she is influencing others to isolate you in a social setting, her actions do not count to bullying. She is simply being hurt or upset with you; hence reacting." This here is right on target and what in-laws did to me. #bullying
     
  6. Preet82

    Preet82 Silver IL'ite

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    Update - This aunty spoke to me a couple of days ago when we met at a gathering(as if nothing had happened).
    Another friend of mine confided in me that she is doing the same to her :((not talking, not looking, no eye-contact, fully ignoring) i told her about my experience and asked her to just ignore the "ignoring".:cool:
     
  7. Iravati

    Iravati Platinum IL'ite

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    No, the psychology behind "cold shoulder" is to indicate that the person themselves is confused, dejected, and have no clue how to respond to their hurt. They withdraw from social engagement with the other party because they don't wish to exacerbate the situation from any impetuous lash out. In my opinion, cold shoulder exempts them from any irreparable or impulsive fall out which is far damaging than a brief spell of estrangement.

    Usually, I give a benefit of doubt over "silly" withdrawals. Perhaps you have been over-thinking and reading too many general signs as targeted signs over that particular incident. She did speak to you normal for 3 weeks, thereafter, if you sense she is giving you the cold shoulder, two things:

    1. She has been nursing inward that hurt for too long and when that hurt crossed a threshold she retreated.
    2. You have been suspecting her reconciliation for three weeks and at the slightest aberration (which might be unrelated to this incident), your suspicion got the better of you.

    You are the best person to judge if it is a case of (1) or (2).

    If (1), you are saved. Because, you don't want to fraternize with people who keel over silly whatsapp discordance. Her real-time withdrawal is a blessing in whatsapp disguise. If she could not sustain a conflict, you don't want to indulge her with any trenchant discussions where parties vociferously disagree.

    If (2), you might want to loosen up your uptight assessment on jerky behaviours. People usually go through some stuff in their lives which is unobvious at times and we lay our misgivings on them at their slightest deviation from conventional amicability. But she didn't smile. But she didn't talk for long. But she didn't notice that I lost three kilos.

    If you strongly believe it is (1), let it go. Don't hold on to such people. They bring agony and confusion to otherwise pleasant lives.

    Smile? Fake smile? Are you sure it is fake? Think again. Think about (2). It is you or her.

    Love to hear been in a situation: Many people have no clue how to handle conflicts. They choose the extremes. They either revile or retreat. I have come across very few people in my life who could handle conflicts with grace and sensibility and resume normal camaraderie with no forced affectation. I usually drop a note, thoda friendly bak bak to indicate that in spite of the altercation, I am okay. If you are okay, then we can still be friends. If I don't hear from them, I move on. I don't have so much bandwidth in my life to gratify the petulant. But, it is always good to hint that you have no hostility towards them despite their unreasonable and doubtful comportment.

    In general, in three weeks if the person still bears hostility, then in another three weeks you would have moved on so much in life that their absence/estrangement is a faint blip. Practise that. Drop a note and move on. It is actually not that difficult when your happiness is at stake. However, in quiet time, introspect if your case is (1) or (2). Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2018

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