The Big Decision/confrontation Day

Zaini · Jul 20, 2016

Dear IL's,

Here's the link to my previous tread for anyone who would like to refer to it.

To live with husband or not

Its been a year and a half since I last came to my parents and am flying back to india day after tomorrow to have a final sit with in-laws and husband about our marriage. I haven't seen him since we last april. A lot of drama happened in between but mostly we've been out of contact. The last time we spoke was in October last year on whats app where i asked him where this marriage is going and why he never answers our calls in regards to our marriage. He said he does not want to live with me and i said the same. I am a muslim so theres two ways for a divorce. Khula (from a woman's side) or Talaq (from a man's side). He asked me to take a khula and that he wont give me talaq. I did not have a lot of information at the time about the difference between then two and why he wanted me to give him a khula, so i suggested its better we speak to the adults of the family in this matter. He however, printed this out and showed it to everyone as a proof that i dont want to be with him and for this to be taken as an unofficial dissolution of marriage. He went to Australia soon after and there has been no contact since.
We just found he is back and are thus going back to officially make a decision. My mother still insists on trying to make it work and so is the entire side of the family who were involved during the wedding. I am told to shut my "trap" and sit quiet and let them talk. Convince him not to divorce me or end this marriage whatever way.
There are going to be accusations and lies against me. But i am supposed to stay quiet through it all so as not to hurt the ego of this man so he can accept me again. I am a woman i should just take this in and not say a word as i am supposed to have more patience. All their words, not mine. I however, am not able to keep quiet if wrongly accused and my mother knows that. She says if i fight them or argue, her family will outcast her and she cannot take that. I also know that as a fact. My mother may never speak to me again if it does happen.
Please suggest how to get out of this without ruining her reputation and also saving mine.
Sorry for the long post. And thanks in advance for your suggestions.

KashmirFlower · Jul 20, 2016

Do u have a job now ? Is it in UAE? In UAE also they outcast ? Is it by religious org? Or by relatives? How much it affect your and your parents life? If it is not affecting day to day life , outcast need to be taken seriously ?

Ur in laws will do it in future also this type of meetings if u don't listen to them or u open ur mouth to give opinions . Take some lawyer or professional counselor advice and proceed to such meeting.

U r only daughter and ur parents just want to keep ur mouth shut, but how long can u do that. Inlaws will think , now nobody can talk , they can do whatever they want

Zaini · Jul 20, 2016

KashmirFlower said: ↑

Do u have a job now ? Is it in UAE? In UAE also they outcast ? Is it by religious org? Or by relatives? How much it affect your and your parents life? If it is not affecting day to day life , outcast need to be taken seriously ?

Ur in laws will do it in future also this type of meetings if u don't listen to them or u open ur mouth to give opinions . Take some lawyer or professional counselor advice and proceed to such meeting.

U r only daughter and ur parents just want to keep ur mouth shut, but how long can u do that. Inlaws will think , now nobody can talk , they can do whatever they want
Click to expand...

I have a job. I haven't been asked to quit just off on a leave. Outcast not in the community but from her family (khandaan). She is very respected and fears losing that due to my divorce. She also genuinely believes that i should not get a divorce as the husband will change. All men change, women need to compromise she says. So does her family. If i speak out more than asked they will all get offended and although not officially but she will not be respected and will not be an intergal part of the family as she is now. Not with a divorced daughter. We have many relatives here as well as in india but my inlaws live there.

KashmirFlower · Jul 20, 2016

do u think ur h will change, try if u both talk and solve issues, with the help of some counselor? it is tough for u leaving all in uae and live in india, with no support. r u both going to Australia?

khandan respecting depends on what each indiviudal views are? getting divorce may seem like losing it for some, but some may think u are strong and mother stood by you, and may respect u guys more. others views shouldn't be more important than your life itself. take both legal and counselor opinions by discussing everything and decide what u want out of this meeting and act in the meeting accordingly

songbird46 · Jul 20, 2016

OP, is your dad on your side?

Your mum's reaction is out of fear. Understandable but not commendable. But this is where the truth comes out. The reason why a lot of girls don't go back to their parents but stick it it out in awful marriages. And you can read all their stories here... You know what is waiting for you, do you want to go into that?
Here's the thing: Parents don't always know what's best for their kids. And when they are motivated by what 'society' will say...well, that's when you know it's all bunkum.
Speaking from experience, 'society' or 'they' will not lift a finger to help you when you are in trouble - including strangers on the Internet who give you advice. You have to help yourself.

Forgive my bluntness here, but I think your mother has lived her life and now you should live yours the way you want to. If nothing else teaches us that one is truly alone it is when family pulls away.

Do you think you can cope?
Either
1) With a husband & in-laws who will treat you & your daughters as objects? They have already shown their true colours.
OR
2) With a mother who won't speak to you? (she's a mum, she'll probably relent eventually, but it will be hard.)

If you are tough enough, go it alone. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done, you will lose a lot, but you will gain a lot too. Your life is as precious as anyone's. Take care of it.
Will your father help you if you go to alone?

songbird46 · Jul 20, 2016

Dear OP, What is it you want? Sit with yourself, pray... guidance will come from your own inner being.

I wish you all the best.

I also apologise in case I have offended or hurt you in any way. The truth is hard and sometimes we need permission to do what is right for us.
You seem like a sensible, intelligent girl, so I think you will be fine. I wish you well.

Sparkle19 · Jul 20, 2016

I think so he won't change, its better to leave him and proceed further...

guesshoo · Jul 20, 2016

My dear, your mum's reaction, while quite dramatic, is rather typical. And simply wrong. No one should be pushing you back into this deadend marriage.

Calmly let your mother know that you really need to leave the marriage. You cannot wait around indefinitely on people other than your husband giving your random (and false) assurances which are solely given in the misguided wish that a marriages MUST NOT be broken.

Please don't even get into an argument. You need to move away from the mild problem that your mum fears she is going to have and save yourself from the massive problem you are in. Of the two bad outcomes, the one where you move away and on with your life is a much better one than the one were your mum's respect in her family is dented.

It's going to be difficult. However refuse to have free-for-all accusations session with everyone. The relatives who were nowhere when you werefacing your problems ams have no idea what you went through cannot fevicol your marriage together. Insist on a simple session between your husband and you on a public place where you can decide in an adult manner how to proceed.

It sound like your hustand has a bruised male ego and is unsure how to deal with your rejection. That's not your problem.

Isn't your dad on your side? Please discuss rationally with him. I'm have no idea what a woman induced divorce means; in case it just means that you won't get a settlement, to hell with it. Your life is worth more than that.

I wish you the best. And my prayers are with you.

songbird46 · Jul 20, 2016

OP, exactly what @guesswho said.
Especially this bit:
"You need to move away from the mild problem that your mum fears she is going tohave and save yourself from the massive problem you are in. Of the two bad outcomes, the one where you move away and on with your life is a much better one than the one were your mum's respect in her family is dented."

And quote this to her if necessary.

yellowmango · Jul 20, 2016

Op...your mom's izzat seems bigger than your happiness.
These Panchayat sessions are done to brow beat someone into submission.All these like minded people just want to gang up against you and bully you into submission.You already know their viewpoints.

If you stay quiet and submit,you end up being the loser.If you lose your temper and open up your mouth ,you will be labeled and you again end up a loser.So why are you going for this public flogging?

Tell your mother you are not interested in going for this bullying session and if you do,you will open your mouth.So she should be ready for the result.

You husband is asking you to give khulla because then he doesn't have to give you your meher money.Plain and simple .Get in touch with your priest and get details.

As guesshoo wrote.....just ask for you and your husband to meet up and talk .