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the Art of Dieing

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by Kamalji, Jul 27, 2011.

  1. Kamalji

    Kamalji IL Hall of Fame

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    The Art of Dieing

    I get 4 papers every day. Time of India, DNA, Economic Times in English, and Danik Bhaskar in Hindi. I cant read hindi for nuts, but my wife likes it, and i please her everyday, she is not expensive for 2 bucks a day, is she ? And we have been together for over 30 years, so i can afford to spend 60 a month for her wishes.

    I finish all the three, and when breakfast comes, i don’t know what to do, so i read DB, rather i go to the orbituary pages , so see if someone known to me has conked off, and when i see none, i close it there and there. Still people call and tell me, that so and so has expired , come lets go for the condolences, and i wonder how i missed the person when i saw the papers.

    Then i realize that i know the the business associate, but then i realize i did not know his father, or his mom who expired, damn it i don’t even know how many kids he has.And u don’t expect me to read all the names, and the sons names to recognize if i know someone.

    And like yesterday, as i saw the papers, i saw all sad faces in the orbituary, they looked sick, and looked sick of life, god knows which one or both. Cant the survivors have put in a decent photo, instead of that rotten sick picture? And that set me thinking of a new business line.

    See everyone teaches u the art of living, all the gurus teach u that. But no one teaches u the Art of Dieing. You will wonder what is that, let me explain.

    Take the case of my Dad.He planned his death very well. A few years before he expired he had come to jaipur, and taken harsha and the kids to a photo stuodi, where they took out group pics, and then he told harsha to step out and he wanted to be alone with the p[hotographer, and told him, that i want u take out a few close ups of mine, i will choose one, which i want to be put on the condolences day, when i am no more. And i want the negative , for i stay in Mumbai, and i will pay the price for it. The photographer almost fainted.

    He kept the negative in his briefcase, along with the copy of the will, and told everyone, that when i die, i want this pic to be enlarged, for the condolences day, and also that we enlarge it and put the pic in the drawings rooms of ours !

    And so it was done as per his wishes, and everyone got to see a clean shaven smiling Dad.

    Now coming to the business part of this line.

    The Problem – When we die, we have no choice in the choice of the photo our kids will keep, what will be written in the orbituary, what will be said at the condolences, where willour bones be put, and who will get what loot, sorry the money. You have just no choice, for u are no more, true ?

    The Solution –
    Here is where kamalji type of slicko comes in. For a fee of 25000/- he will teach the wealthy guys withg deep pockets how to die gracefully and help u prepare for this final exams of yr life
    Photos – he will take out many, of yr close up, and make u approve one.
    Will – He will make u draw out a will, with the help of a crony lawyer, and get it registered in the court of law.this will make sure all money reaches the survivors quickly, and he will make sure all bank accounts are nominated too.
    Orbituary – Just as for weddings the fellow shows u so many cards to choose from, kamalji will show u many interesting orbituaries, or even make some original ones for him, and he can select one that he likes. I can help him like when i show him mine
    Kamalji went many a mile
    To make everyone smile
    So now he can word his orbituary as and how he likes. And sign and give me a copy.
    The Condolence meeting – He can decide the venue in advance.If he has a big bunglow, he can hold it outside the lane of his house, the neighbours be damned, so be it.for they should see how many people came in fancy cars , and it will up his rep.
    And he can even have a taped video tape of him, shot by me, where by he welcomes the mourners, and entertains them, telling them about his life, on a big screen, maybe a projector, and shows the awards he received in his life time, rather blowing hs own trumpet, tellinga joke or two, and telling them that this is the last time they are seeing him, and not to cry, that he lived well, etc

    And it will be like a movie CD, with titles, background music, but a 30 min one.And he can act as the pandit too, in the end saying to the public, sing with me Om Shanti Om, or Hare Rama Hare Krishna.

    And as perhis wishes, sandwitches, soft drinks , juices, tea and coffee served to the people come there, and if he was a gamblerlike me, distribute two packs of playing cards to each person who has come, with his picture on each card, so whenever they play cards at home later on, they can see his face, and remember him forever.Distribution of holy books is old now, and most of those land in the kabari’s hands, but surely not the playing cards, which will remain in their hands for along time.

    And future supplies free of charge , all they have to do is go and visit the friend, who will keep the stock, the cards of good quality so they don’t wear out fast, and he remains in each ones heart and cards for years on end eh !

    And of course a bank account opened, for the money for all this, the cards printed well in advance, so he can inspect their quality.

    And kamal and company will manage all this, for a fee of 25000 only. Nothing for such rich guys. And onecontact leads to another, and u have one flourishing business, where soon u have yr hands full with this.

    And what does blogging pay me eh ! Nothing.

    And then people may forget those gurus who teach u how to live, for everyone will follow this guru called kamalji, who teaches how to die in style.

    I will teach u to have control over events even after yr death, and what is the use of living in style, and dieing in usless style where ur lousy pics are putint he papers, along with a useless orbituary, in a lousy temple, with a silly pandit boring people to death eh !

    You guys and gals think this is a good business idea ! Do let me know please.

    KAMAL MAHTANI

    If a man opens the door of his car for his wife, it can mean only two things.
    Either the car is new,
    Or else the wife is new !!!
    ( No wonder i don’t open the car door for harsha, now i realize, that both are old, For Deepika paducone, well i wont comment on this public space !!!)


    My favourite hero is Bruce Lee.Here is why
    BL’s favourite things as follows
    Vegetable – Mu lee
    Seafood – mach lee
    Sister in laws name – Sa – lee
    Film – C00 – lee
    Hill station – Mana – lee
    How did BL die ?
    By a Go – lee !!!
    Sad story of a man, in his own words, on his birthday
    My wife did not wish me,
    My collegues did not wish me
    My boss did not wish me
    My parents and kids too did not wish me
    As i entered my office cabin, my pretty sexy secretary wished me, and invited me over to her home for a drink.
    I was very happy and we went to her apartment.
    She made adrink for me, and told me, thatshe is changing in to a sexy nightie for me.
    She came out 5 mins later with a cake and
    My wife
    My parents
    My kids
    My friends and collegues
    And i was waiting on the sofa
    NAKED
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
     
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  2. Mindian

    Mindian IL Hall of Fame

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    hi kamalji,

    while I am in awe of your never ending business acumen I must admit that you are a good man...... for you give away all these ideas phukat mein.....

    thank you.. I will save my 25 k but borrow the ideas.. I better select my obituary picture now itself and tell my family well in advance..:)

    I also loved your obituary message...:thumbsup which made me think of mine..

    Here lies Mindi
    Silent at laaaast....
     
  3. mathu903

    mathu903 Gold IL'ite

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    Oops!! Are there so many things to be done before death!! A person will die out of self sympathy (or apathy) in the process of making all these procedures :) Just Kidding :)
    The Joke was just too good!!
     
  4. Kamalji

    Kamalji IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Mindi,
    no i suggest a better one here for u

    Here lies Mindi,
    She knew well Hindi,
    She loved to eat Bhindi.

    HAHA. how is that one.

    Regards
    kamal
     
  5. Kamalji

    Kamalji IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Mathu,

    Well one must finish making a will, nominations, and what is wrong if u chose yr own photo, and yr own orbituary, after all when we like to look good when alive, why not when we are no more eh !

    HAHA

    Regards

    kamal
     
  6. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Kamalji,

    Kya Idea hai sirji!!!!! Kamalji, I have a proposition. Let me be your business partner. I shall write the obituaries as poems, prose, humorous, serious - however the client wishes. In return, you can share the proceeds with me and also provide the service for me free of charge.

    What say Kamalji? Do you accept the offer? And in return for the free services, I have nominated your post, which is the least I could do to thank a person who thinks up ideas of ways to serve mankind (womankind too). :rotfl
     
  7. Kamalji

    Kamalji IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Satchi,

    thank u for the nomination its been ytears since someone nominated a post of mine.

    Yes i will need yr good services, for i cant write poems well, the fees will be 5000 if selected by the client.
    For u services free of charge what say.HAHA
    But u have to live long, so dont worry on that point, so says kamalji maharaj.
    Seriously, i dont know about yr papers there, but here, they put pathetic looking pictures, which makes u think, the guy was already dead when alive, good he went.

    Regards

    kamal
     
  8. raji2678

    raji2678 Gold IL'ite

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    A very thought-provoking post, Kamalji. Most of us do not do even the mandatory things. Thus, family members suffer after the death, as they do not know about the bank account details, etc.
     
  9. Kamalji

    Kamalji IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Raji,

    True, people leave misery behind when they dont make a will.And will is so easy to make, i made mine and my wife's , i had it typed on my compuiter, copying it from my fahter's will, so easy really.

    Regards

    kamal
     
  10. Kamalji

    Kamalji IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Raji,

    True, people leave misery behind when they dont make a will.And will is so easy to make, i made mine and my wife's , i had it typed on my compuiter, copying it from my fahter's will, so easy really.

    Regards

    kamal
     

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