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The Angry Husband, When In-laws Are Around..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by MindVoice, Oct 29, 2019.

  1. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    So.. recently there was another 'episode' - an unprovoked tantrum. I promptly walked away, left him to feed the kid and get her ready for bed. We didn't speak to each other. I didn't do anything for him/them the next day : left the dishes unwashed (didn't load dishwasher), let them make their own coffees, came to kitchen later than usual to make breakfast. When H told his mom that he didn't want the side I had started preparing, I left it as such and walked away to have my drink, and MIL continued to make it. I poured idlis alone. Fed my kid, took her to preschool, came back, had my breakfast. Loaded dishwasher after that - let them make their own coffee and use whatever cups were around. And left to study.
    H spoke a couple of practical things - to do's - to which I answered in monosyllables (regarding some stuff he was supposed to get for all us).
    Then H didn't call or msg me all day. I came home again. And he started talking (not conversation, but more behavioural - not in fighting mode but normal mode) as if nothing happened.
    I stayed cool but in my own zone. Answered practicalities.
    Now he will 'move on' as if nothing happened. What should I do now?
    I don't want to 'move on' without addressing his behavior. I am also smarting that he chose to exclude me from certain activities that day : he merely gave me a intimation, like an FYI, before I left and did not bother telling me they were leaving, how it went etc as he usually does. (I know I shouldn't care and detach but this rebounding confuses me - what to do when he tries to include me, continue acting detached or ...?? what else ????).
    Best thing would be to 'communicate'. But words don't work - I've learnt that. Just explaining/discussing what happened is not going to make a difference. So, perplexed.
    How should I respond so he knows he cannot mess with me anymore - continue the distance, and push off his attempts to wheedle back in casually?
    Confusion is, that will make him turn it around on me, that he 'moved on' and was behaving normally but I was the one fighting... and give him an excuse to continue to exclude and behave unpleasantly. But I don't want to let him go on unscathed either... Am I making sense to y'all?
    Edit: Should I just continue in "you live in your world with your parents, I'll live in mine with LO, I won't do any extras for y'all, just meals n dishwasher (or less????)(surely less everytime u act up), lets talk abt practicalities only, don't tell me anything and I won't give a damn." ?
     
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2019
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  2. Swetha52003

    Swetha52003 Bronze IL'ite

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    I think you are doing good.Just behave like you are fed up of this drama and not ready to take any more nonsense. Yes,leave him in his world and you continue to do your things as usual.
     
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  3. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    Generating feelings in someone else is tough... I want to be positive so I dont say impossible.

    You are doing good , keep your composure and concentrate on other things ( kid, studies etc). Don't wait for him. After a few days he might see the difference and prepare himself to listen to you. No guarantee thou :(
    Personally I prefer to wait until the person is ready and then say it all out firmly and also say the consequences if things repeat.

    If you say you can not wait then the only thing left for you is to talk straight and all to him ( because he is seemingly moving on and wont come back asking for your discussion). But even this wont promise you that he is going to 'listen', he might just hear you. May be you will feel lighter than you have said it out and clear but he might file it under 'yet another'.

    Its very disappointing when you are so wanting to be a team and the other person just dosnt get it.

    Sorry, wasnt of much help but think a little while on what is good for you. All the best.
     
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2019
  4. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Finest Post Winner

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    I dont know what to say for the issue you mentioned .honestly i am more or less in the same space with little different situations .
    Irrespective of what happens with respect to the above mentioned issues , i would say kindly keep focused on studying for the job. i know first hand how it feels to be in your shoes , i dont have any meaningful advice but if possible try not to think too much about how well H, MIL did or didnt communicate . i mean with all the issues that you are facing how does that matter if you know or dont know how an outing was .
    sorry if it means a lot to you to know about their outings and be involved and feel included and my question sounds negative . but more you would want to be attached more they would take you on a ride taking it as your weakness . just as i am writing to you from the other room , H is talking to his family about their secrets in a very hush tone in english so that i dont think he is talking anything important with his family . this even though in all these years i have never questioned him about anything that they did . i would never ask him anything , why ,because if i ask him he has the power to say no which will hurt me more so i completely ignore . what i do is definitely not a healthy practice and i dont ask you to do it either. but i am only saying that dont spend your time and energy on these things which would not help you practically . him excluding you from activities or not eating the side you prepared are just mind games , dont fall for it and get diverted from the goal . rather only do a bare minimum of the chores and keep yourself energized enough to focus on studies and finding a job.
     
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2019
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  5. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks folks, for your responses!
    Let it be and kept my cool and stayed in my own space.
    We (H n I) just keep slipping from one fight to the next... fight no talk fight no talk again...it's almost like if we talk, it's to fight.o_O and it's usually me giving him a (little) piece of my mind (whatever that can be given in 2 sentences or 2 seconds) for something he did that was disrespectful. Sigh.
    yeah. How dense can guys be! It feels so stupid to fight to be included.

    You are very much right. But I am also reluctant to let them have their way totally without consequence - I don't want them to happily exclude me and live their lives:smash2:
    Nowadays, it's less of wanting to be actually involved with them. It's more like give me my due respect and don't go about as if I don't exist.
    But its difficult - you can't really 'make' them respect you or include you. The only thing I can do is respond. Its difficult (and too energy consuming sometimes) to figure out appropriate responses!

    I should just focus on my work, my goals, my independence. But something, adrenaline or stress hormones, keeps me all worked up the moment H enters the house. (And goes away the moment he leaves - even if we don't interact in any way whatsoever! :BangHead:) Its awkward but okay with in-laws. I need to figure out ways to tune their existence out while living among them, sigh. same old same old.
    Sorry just feeling a little drawn out, needed to vent.
     
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  6. Jamelia02

    Jamelia02 Silver IL'ite

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    Only thing I want to emphasize here in your situation is "Don't have any expectation". You can be at peace with how you want to behave only if you let go of your expectation of how you want your dh to reciprocate to your actions. But be aware he may learn to be much independent and may never include you in any discussions. Just know the consequences before you do what you want to do.
     
  7. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    MindVoice, not denying that you have reason to complain, but, try not to analyze every tiff, argument, and slight so minutely. You left the dishes unwashed, let them make their own coffees, calmly left the kitchen .. left to study... That is good. Point made. Of course your husband noticed it. Done. Consider that resolved. Not every behavior of his that you find objectionable need be addressed with words later on ("giving him piece of your mind in 2 seconds, 2 sentences").

    If things need be awkward and stressful with either in-laws or husband, it better be so with the in-laws. Try to remember the pleasant version of him that he is when in-laws are not around. I know easier said that done. But remember that when the kid(s) are young, one spouse is trying to get back to school/work, in-laws are visiting often, things get stressful in most households.
     
  8. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    You are right, about not having expectations. But it is soooooo difficult. Also, my mind rebels saying then what is the point of marriage to live like this. Sigh.
    And what you say here, is the big thing I want to avoid. I don't want to encourage him in having a life without me !!!!!!!!

    Thank you, @Rihana I understand what you mean. I should learn to let go. I mean emotionally. And move on. Not keep in it my brain either.
    However, the problem : I feel a major contributor to the problems is complete breakdown of communication once his parents are here. So the small things get piled up and reaction to reaction to reaction leads to major fight. I tell him things to let him know something was not okay, and the expectation. Eg: I don't like that u exclude me from your plans, as a couple we should share these things.
    That's all! But maybe I should be less direct about it, and be less strict in my evaluation? give him a couple more chances before I bring it up again.
    And then there is also the relief I feel in 'having brought the issue out in the open'. It helps ME to move on:facepalm:
    Biiiiiiigggggg sighhhhhhhhhh. I do, and it only makes me more perplexed.
    OTOH the a big problem is the way he behaves when they are around... I'm getting confused now. Draw the line, but ...? remember his alter-ego? ????

    Also, in view of current strains and ongoing SilentTreatment2019, I have let things go and doing little housework - zero cleaning outside of the kitchen, many times not even the kitchen. Nominal cooking.
    What's a good response to any mentioned or implied "You don't do anything / you are irresponsible, don't even clean / H does all the work, you are a deadweight" or in these lines?
    Asking to be prepared, so that I can keep my cool (and not burst into flames burning myself only, not them)
     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2019
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  9. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    "You don't do anything / you are irresponsible, don't even clean / H does all the work, you are a deadweight" or in these lines?
    Is this by MIL? Ignore or you can give a blank look, show I dont care attitude and walk away or be very sweet and say " Ma, he likes you to do all those things, let him enjoy when you are here and I dont want to interfere" (rephrase in whatever way) and smile.
    Be cool Op, accept the reality.
     
  10. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Hmmmmmmm. Okay..
    o_O as in, all the above is true?
     

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