The Angry Husband, When In-laws Are Around..

SinghManisha · Oct 31, 2019

@yellowmango you wrote what I was hesitating to write . OP , based on your posts it is evident you are in a emotionally abusive marriage. I hope things have changed in terms of access to money, car, pursuing career etc. Do you have a credit card now ?
The dilemma in having to make your own wife fit in your life, when parents are around is preposterous. His behavior does not make sense at all. People live in joint families with in-laws and yet the husband can effectively communicate with the wife.
I have said this before, your husbands behavior is a classical example of gaslighting.
I know you don’t have a lot of support to move back, but if you do want to stay in the marriage make your life better than what it is. That means, access to money, freedom to pursue a career, not being socially isolated etc. you have to find your own “normal”

Please take care .We are here for you. So please reach out.

yellowmango · Oct 31, 2019

I do realise OP has a tough life and apologize if my post seems too harsh.....but I do believe that normalizing abuse by finding excuses or romaticizing abuse is not a solution.

They know she is in a tough spot and that is why op is treated like this by them.

Op needs to slowly take steps to get stronger instead of normalising and accepting this abuse as a way of life hoping for the sun to shine in some distant future.Abusers don't just change like that .

Op...please read threads by the poster @Caughtinbetween . I have not seen anyone on this forum , in as pathetic a state as she was ....trapped in a hopeless situation with no way out.
She slowly grew stronger day by day ,staying in the same home and made life a little better for herself. She just did not accept her sad life and fought a strong but silent battle all alone.

Even if you have no other way out and no support you have to fight for yourself instead of surrendering to the abuse.

mangaii · Oct 31, 2019

MindVoice said: ↑

When your husband lashes out at you in irritation, says something very hurting and then refuses to apologise for it and says past is past let's just move on...
Started only now - but almost every single day - for a week now..
And you are already keeping to yourself and not engaging(since the first episode of this season), and still get lashed at just because you happened to be there - (he is venting his frustration or directs his anger at me when his parents scold him)

What would be an appropriate way to respond?
(Relationship is in-laws dependent: nice when they're not around, different when they are.)

* Tell him firmly that was not okay later : he just gives the above response, no apology. (He had started apologising for angry outbursts in their absence). {No use}
* Walk away when he throws the tantrum : already doing that. still happening. Worse, H and IL and LO patch up, and the accidental casualty (me) still gets bristled at - though I did nothing?!
* Fight back - won't work, as MIL is waiting to interfere and create a big fight between us. We already had a couple of public fights because of him (he started shouting at me, and I gave back) and it stopped when poor LO started crying. (I am really ashamed of this, but that's what happened.)

Need to brainstorm, please help!

Looking at it from the other side, I have a feeling that H is struggling to cope with his parents demands of following what they say vs our practices, and struggling to keep me included while he reveres his parents.
He knows, he is trying, maybe he needs a little help? What can I do to improve the situation while retaining my dignity and respect?
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MindVoice looks like your relationship is smooth for 6 months during your absence of MIL/FIL and becomes worst when they come. The only solution to your problem is to utilize the 6 months you have and work towards making your life better financially and mentally. How is your job search going on ? Landing on a job will you confidence to face these problems . Right now you are in a very low state where you are trying to normalize abuse. You don't have any weapons to fight back. It doesn't matter however you react your husband will continue this abuse because he knows you will not move forward in your life. Please don't empathize with your husband situation. Looks like you want every one around you to change and treat you well but that won't happen unless you work on yourself and get a job. Soon your daughter will treat you the same way your husband is treating you. Look for Job.

Rihana · Nov 1, 2019

mangaii said: ↑

... Look for Job.
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This is key.

Look for a job that can start soon. Preparing for a career or job that will materialize years in the future is nice but a job that brings money and confidence now is needed. Like mangaii said back in Feb in this post, "If you need power in your household you need a job. Don't waste time." This applies to almost any household. The woman needs to have a job or the ability to start earning any time at short notice.

The debate around which approach is better (SunPa's or ym's or ...), is it abuse or not, etc., etc. is good for thread discussion, but in real life, a job is the first milestone to aim for. It can initially earn less than the child's daycare cost, but, a job.

Look for job. Make that the focus. The effect of looking for a job on the woman and the rest of the household is as good as that of the woman already having a job. The initial no's in the job hunt are more helpful than the small battles lost every day at home.

Find a job. The rest can wait.

KashmirFlower · Nov 1, 2019

Also when you go out and not always available for everbody also, earns some respect. Within the time you are home what you cook and help kids will be appreciated.
Eventhough you take care and do lot as a home maker, if family members dont appreciate , make yourself less availaable for them and see, by having more "me" time.

Laks09 · Nov 1, 2019

@MindVoice - You have been down this road enough times. Do you have any practical solutions for your issues?

Regarding wanting to be there for the husband when his parents are making your lives miserable, you have flown on an airplane right? What do the flight attendants say about the oxygen mask? Put yours on first before you help your child with hers. I would say, safeguard your emotional health first, before spending too much energy worrying over the spouse. It is immaterial if he is taking away his frustration or appeasing them. What you have on hand is a constant revolving door where PILs will ensure you are never settled. It's his parents, his problem. He's an adult and should not be taking it out on you.

If you don't take care of yourself, nobody will. Nobody will make you a priority.

Do you have the DL yet? Do you have the EID? Can you legally work? If not, work on procuring these things. I agree with @mangaii and @Rihana. Find work now. There are a lot of families where the working and earning DIL is treated very differently from a SAHM DIL. Stop being available for PILs to push you around. Start making yourself a priority.
Once you are in a good place emotionally you can decide what you need to do with the DH. You should come first in your mind.

shravs3 · Nov 1, 2019

Laks09 said: ↑

There are a lot of families where the working and earning DIL is treated very differently from a SAHM DIL.
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So true. And some of the houses prefer DIL who is not earning because since she is not financially dependent she would be treated as a puppet.

SinghManisha · Nov 1, 2019

And then there are houses where the DIL is earning and still not treated well. I think OP should get a job for her self confidence, financial independence rather than to gain respect of in-laws or husband.

shravs3 said: ↑

So true. And some of the houses prefer DIL who is not earning because since she is not financially dependent she would be treated as a puppet.
Click to expand...

Caughtinbetween · Nov 1, 2019

what a singular surprise to see you here today @MindVoice was thinking about you just two days back .
i am not sure if you were able to apply for the EAD . if you could not do it yet , please try all you can to get an EAD first to start some work. try to do it asap if possible and once you receive it which will again take couple of months , just join whatever work you find first as suggested above . dont wait to land in a perfect job. if you are eligible with respect to i140 and all , please try to apply for ead asap. all the best for it . i really think that should be your sole focus for some time . people dont change but you will be busy with something that atleast pays you something and lets you be out of sight for few hours everyday.