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Tell me what is wrong in being lazy for some days.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Molly37, Mar 9, 2010.

  1. Molly37

    Molly37 New IL'ite

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    Yes, he did. For him, all his financial planning is minus my earnings. And that is why even though we can spend on some more he will not because we have money problem always.
    Thanks Priya for your support.

    Thanks foundlove for the moral support. Yeah, looks like I have to start now.


    Thanks Chocolate. I have had cleaning service always till last 6 months. It is only after I lost job that I started feeling I am using his money for my comfort because he always never cared how much I earned and how I went up the career. For him, my working does not mean anything. It is always HE and HIS job. HIS money, HIS savings, HIS investments and HIS spending.
    So, then I need to think twice....right?? before I use HIS precious money on useless things (accdg to him) like cleaning service when I am here healthy 5'4", 140lbs sitting doing nothing other than being on internet or making dinner.


    Actually we can live better with more comforts but for him he cannot afford because all he sees is HIS money and ofcourse the things I say I want to have will be expensive if you ignore one salary. And so we do not.
     
  2. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Molly, from what I understand, you are more worried about your husbands attitude than the job-loss. Right now you are vulnerable and I think because of that you are taking offense for things which you usually didn't before.
    He needs to be sensitive towards your feelings because you also had a big blow (getting aid off is not easy to accept). But what is the point in avoiding house work because of this? Its not gonna go away if you keep a blind eye.

    Like foundlove said, start with one small thing at a time and before you know the entire home will be lovely like it was. It will also make your mind refreshed.
     
  3. Molly37

    Molly37 New IL'ite

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    Rakhi, Thanks for fb.

    He has never ever shown any emotion even if I excelled in my work or now laid off. He even plans vacation according to his availability and never bother to check mine. I just gave in so many times to keep peace.
    I could have called quits with this attitude of his but always thought OK other than this he is a good man so I should overlook it. Now, that is bothering me.
    He likes wife to be stay home mom and he told me this when we first met. I never agreed but then since we loved each other we did not give this a big thought. We opposed parents and had our marriage as per our wish.
    He appreciates all other things in me except my success at work.

    If I spend on something he sees as not needed his way of disagreeing to my spending is " I don't make that much money for you to spend like this".

    I tell him " Why do you think like that, even I earn and I think we can spend this much since it is not a big amount".

    He says " Look! I do not want your money. Keep that for yourself, I never wanted you to work and you think by working you are doing a favor to me?"

    I mean, he never considered the money I earned as anything to him....in all these years.
     
  4. Molly37

    Molly37 New IL'ite

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    May be you are right.....
     
  5. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Molly,

    From your message, I gather that it is not the money that you miss. I feel you miss your work life - the whole feeling of accomplishment, job well done, work buddies... (I quit my job of 10 years a year and a half ago as it was too stressful. Hence I'm projecting that on you!)

    I have had my lazy months too. You have an option of how you look at your husband - as a person who doesn't care about your job or as an extremely decent man who does not really press you to bring home more money. (There seem to be a lot of girls in this forum with financial probs) Please try not to be offended by the slightly old-fashioned tendency regarding his outlook towards your family money. If it is important to him that HE TAKES CARE of HIS WIFE AND KIDS, just consider it a quirk.

    Yes, he could be more understanding regarding your stress. But I suspect he doesn't know how to, or that there even is something bothering you.

    From your messages, the communication between the two of you seems to be rather ideal. I suggest that you seriously think about what is bothering you about staying home and share that with your husband - eg. "I am rather bored sitting at home. I miss doing something constructive/ teamwork/ meeting people etc. Can we brain-strom about how to get my spirits up?"

    I am certain that once you both discuss it and perhaps work out what you can do with your time, your intimacy will surely improve.

    Lastly, do remember to enjoy your time off! :)
     
  6. kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

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    Your DH seems to be a person with a traditional mindset where men earn the living . Good in some ways that you do not have pressure to earn but bad in some ways in this age where the roles of partners are not so clearly defined anymore . Even though I am a SAHM there are days when I feel very lazy to do anything and so find nothing wrong in what you are feeling. In future, try to involve your DH also in small things around the house so that he learns there is nothing wrong in doing housework sometimes , if he does not do it already.

    In the present circumstances you can do two things

    1. you can hire cleaners once every fortnight or month and do the general cleaning yourself daily.
    2. If you do not want to spend money on cleaners when you are not working, plan a timetable everyday and allocate some specific time for each task and specific time for your relaxation as well. This will help you get out of the ennui which you must be feeling after losing your job. Think of the housework also like a job and do your best.

    Hope this helps.
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2010
  7. saipavani123

    saipavani123 Silver IL'ite

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    [JUSTIFY]
    Just an advice why don't you see the positive side of your husband's this attitude ?? Even my husband is the same.He used to prefer non-working wives. He told me before marriage (ours was love marriage) he wanted non-working wife ..but he is fine if I prefer to work. But me working is never a compulsion. Till today If I get angry on my manager and vent out frustration at home on manager( I actually expect consoling from him)....but he is like...why don't you leave job and happily sit at home ( I know even sitting at home idle is difficult task..as we don't have kids yet ). He is simply not much consoling types. He still prefers me non-working. :)

    Except the attitude part i feel remaining is cool as priya16 said. :) You save "your" money and some day when you are in real need of money ( for buying your dream house say !!) show him that you saved for "our" family. I am sure he will be delighted.

    And regarding cleaning. Clean one room per day. Its easy. By this way your house remains clean and organized always. If you do cleaning might be once in 2-3 months...it might seem difficult task and may take hours to complete. But if you do one room every day it hardly takes 15-30 minutes. trust me I clean a room a day and my home is always spic-and-span

    I think about the 3 months part he is right !! He is concerned about the house , Hygiene in the house. And might you are not working right now so he worried about money being wasted . It would obviously be different when both are working and single person working. So he might be feeling when you can do the work without being lazy ( according to title of thread) why need to maid /service. Laziness is not good dear :) . Trust me you will feel delighted in clean and organized house. And obviously its expected for a housewife to clean and organize house atleast the bathrooms ( you said you have kids....you should be concerned about they staying in unhygienic home right ?) :)

    [/JUSTIFY]
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2010
  8. srvaug

    srvaug Senior IL'ite

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    There is nothing wrong being lazy sometimes. But how ever I find this amusing that
    you didnot clean bathrooms for 3 weeks. You must have been used to having a cleaning person
    do all the stuff but things are different now and if you clean just one room per day, it won't take much time
    only 30 min per day.
    Here are some suggestions I follow. I hate cleaning too btw.
    1) Since your kids are big they go to school full time now utilize that time.
    2) After your kids and dh is out of the door, put some loud music and clean just one bathroom per day.
    3) Keep Lysol cleaning wipes in Kitchen and in bathrooms for everyday touchup's.
    4) As soon as you are done cooking just wipe out the counter, sink and stove with those. Makes them look sparkly
    and just cleaned.
    5) Same thing goes for bathroom too.
    6) Throw away trash EVERY day, makes the kitchen and the bathrooms look clean. Just before your husband comes home like
    15 min earlier spray odour nutrilizer in all the rooms.
    7) Before the kids come home, do your daily cooking sufficient for all through the day so that you don't have to go to kitchen
    again.
    8) Straighten up the beds just before you take a nap or just after you get up from nap, so that when your husband comes home he feels like
    its cleaned.
    9) Do laundry regularly, you don't have to sit there and see the washer and dryer, just throw the stuff in, run it and do the above chores in that time frame.

    Do all this along with your favourite music. You will see the difference in a Week and you will get used to that routine. Go for walks, it will boost your
    energy.
     
  9. Enchanted

    Enchanted New IL'ite

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    Molly, it must be quite a stressful thing to be laid off and stay home all day, esp since you worked 10 years straight! I sympathise with you girl, and do hope you get yourself a job soon. This might actually solve some of your concerns IMO.

    Having said that, I think your OP and posts thereafter are more about your husband's thinking in terms of you working, his attitude to your finances in general, and to a lesser extent his sarcastic comments to your hiring cleaning help. What is also standing out is your asking us to pass judgements on your hubby's behaviour 'isn't he arrogant too', 'isn't he insensitive to my job loss', 'he is unfair in ignoring my career' and so on. I realise his attitude is bothering you, but you already know the problem girl don't you? It's nothing new to you. Perhaps this is irking you so much because you are home more often now than before.

    The way I see it, it is a great thing that he takes complete responsibility for caring for you and family. What is NOT so great is his condescending behavior in terms of asking you not to buy something because HE does not make that much dough :bonk. When he says something like that point out you got it from YOUR own money. which btw he does not need, and then walk away from him. Sometimes offence is the best defense. Get a decent job soon, and use hubby's attitude to your advantage. Indulge in small luxuries if you must, but save as much as you can. You never know when it will come handy - maybe then hubby will 'realise' that wifey working is not really an inconvenience :rotfl!

    About hiring cleaning help, I think this really is not the crux of the issue. But if you still can't get around to the cleaning routine others suggested, hire help IF you have some cash to spare. See the thing is if you are going to be using YOUR money (that is the way hubby calls it right!) why do you feel the need to have hubby say it is ok, or that it is a good thing to hire a cleaning crew. You already know he won't say that. You were sensitive to your husband when he was laid off but that's YOU girl. It is not always that we can expect people to behave the way we do. It does not work that way always. Granted, it is an annoying attitude your husband has, but that's HIM. Why let that character quirk irritate you. Get help if you can, or plan out the chores.

    Finally learn to tactfully deal with husband's attitude problems in general. Don't be over-sensitive or emotional, but get your point across that his attitude is just not done. You don't have to make a show of being hurt but make it plain that he is making an MCP of himself! Good luck to you!
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2010
  10. goodfreind

    goodfreind Senior IL'ite

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    Moli
    r u looking for job in India or USA
    Is it ok in QA ..let me know what kind o fjob u r looking

    Not all ladies has same power and same environment
    When you drive a car on street some place is no traffic and go easy
    But some places you hav eto wait and need patience

    And Dh should help/share this work

    Why should you alwys do this work.. this is not the case in USA ppls they do share

    so some how DH has to realize the hard work an dmore issues for spouse

    if he helps all probs solved
     

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