1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Tell me if I am wrong.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by vinaya1234, Jan 20, 2010.

  1. vinaya1234

    vinaya1234 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi all here,

    I am new to this forum. Please feel free to give your suggestions or even very frankly tell me what you think of this whole thing.

    Flashback....10yrs ago.

    Mine was an arranged marriage.
    After 3 month of marriage I conceived and delivered a beautiful baby girl. Dh left for US after a month of delivery. I was in my parents house for almost a year when finally the papers for visa arrived and I went to US. My baby turned 1 by that time. Since then we lived in the US except for visits to India.
    My inlaws also came to US couple of times in this decade. My parents also visited us once. After 4 years I had another baby girl.

    A year ago:

    We moved back to India. My inlaws are nice and understanding couple. They do not interfere at all in our affairs. Dh works here in chennai. I stay home. I have no intention to work for some more time since my kids are slowly settling into schools and education here and so I want to be with them more than get tired traveling to and fro from work etc.

    Actually, from the begining I dislike the joint family system. I never thought I would live in one with inlaws around. Since after marriage we hardly had any family life together dh and me in India so this topic never came up. There was no need for me to talk to dh about this because I never had a taste of living jointly. I disliked the joint family system in general, that was my VERY GENERAL opinion even before marriage but never thought it was important to tell dh after marriage since we were anyway not living like that. Never gave it 2nd thought even when dh told me we will go for 3 bedroom apt as parents can be with us when we move back to India.
    It is a year now we are living in India, living jointly with ILaws.
    There is nothing I can complain about his parents too. He and I know that well. His sister my SIL is also good and she lives in another city. My BIL lives in the US. Both will be occasional visitors.
    My FIL has his pension, is retired lecturer, so they do not depend on us for money. They are 68 and 65 in ages. Dh has taken a 3 bedroom apt here solely because he wanted his parents to be with us. They have their own 2 bedroom apt which they rented out since they came here. If I tell dh that I prefer to live separately not for any particular reason or issue I have with inlaws but just because I like it that way I am pretty sure he will be hurt. In this whole thing PIL may be fine but dh may get hurt or feel bad to do it.
    I am more happy living by ourselves......dh,me and our 2 dds.

    Since, as you all see there is no particular issue or problem I have with them so the matter gets more complicated as how to tell this. Again, I don't want dh to get hurt or feel I have something against his parents.

    Please, tell if I am wrong to think like this and what I should do.

    Vinaya
     
    Loading...

  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,937
    Likes Received:
    1,465
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Vinaya,

    My 2 Cents on your situation. I think it's better you guys stay with your in-laws. Because that gives your husband satisfaction, if not that will stay on his mind forever and he can eventually hurt you.

    Second thing, It is also good for your in-laws. Here at least they can be with grand kids and in emergency your husband can take them to hospital. What they will do in their apartment alone.

    As long as they don't bother you then I don't advise to moving away.
    Anyhow they will be there for another X years. After that again you guys on your own. Your kids may grow up and both of you left alone again.


    If you are engaged in more domestic work, then hire some one to take care of few things. You go somewhere if you wish to do something.
     
  3. shivachoubey

    shivachoubey IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,519
    Likes Received:
    1,074
    Trophy Points:
    315
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,

    You are not thinking any thing wrong. Its ok to think like that. I have fabulous parents in law but I am not comfortable with the joint family system. I have told my husband this. Its my thinking that if a woman's parents can stay alone without their daughter than why not a man's parents.

    Talk to your husband about it. You have a right to live your life the way you want to. If he still wants to stay with parents then think about a job. PIL will really help you here. Make sure to politely talk to your husband about it and tell him that you really like his parents, its just that you want a separate life.

    Living a separate life doesn't mean that you are wrong, it means you are independent and can take your own decisions.
     
  4. vinaya1234

    vinaya1234 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you priya,shivachoubey.

    It is not that they don't allow me to have a job or that I have too much work because of them.
    I have a maid for domestic work. And not going for work was my decision for dh is OK with.

    I once tried to bring this up by not directly but kind of indirect way and got a sense that dh would not like this.
     
  5. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,431
    Likes Received:
    2,179
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Female
    Yes you are.

    To explain,

    (1) Expectations, desire to lead an independent life is not wrong, but the fact that you let it settle in everyone's mind that you have no qualms about it and played along just fine. This feeling onething, acting another is WRONG.

    (2) Both the parents are in their prime old age - 65, 60 and now to walk away is morally wrong , my opinion. Just when they are happy, that they are with their son and his family after decades of being away. People need mental preparations to handle everything in life. If you let everyone know your intentions, they would have some time to atleast figure out how to handle it, but you are planning to throw them under the bus, which is WRONG.

    (3) No in-law issues, no husband issues, then what the heck is your problem? If you have a chance, check out the threads around in these forums and how women are going thru hurt day in, day out. Don't you think you should make the best of what's available and be blessed. Expecting more and more and not being content, when God has blessed you with enough in life is WRONG.

    What goes around, comes around. So is your deep desires, it will happen, just when you never expected. In-laws are in their prime, Kids are growing up, before you know, you WILL BE as you wanted, a nuclear family, just that it will be you guys :mrgreen:, yep both are daughters, remember. May be then you will get the longing your in-laws have been having all these years and then you will understand, being with people around matters more? Please don't take me wrong, but always think from everyone's point of view, atleast your loved ones. It is a bliss to live seeing someone happy because of you. I am not asking you to be in a rotten place and suffer, if that was the case, I would be the first one here to ask you to pack your bags. But when God has blessed you with peace, see it, grab it, make the best out of it and enjoy life !!

    Good luck !!
     
  6. vshnvr

    vshnvr New IL'ite

    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    hi vinaya
    you are lucky to get such good inlaws...i have only one question to ask you that is what would you do if your parents were in place of your inlaws??
    if they are innocent nd blameless ,why should you think like that...on the other hand i believe they will be of a great help to you as well as your kids...

    vaishnavi
     
  7. archana2008

    archana2008 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,740
    Likes Received:
    418
    Trophy Points:
    165
    Gender:
    Female
    Put yourself in the shoes of your DHs parents and think.
    You will be of age 65. Then kids will start thinking, i wish my parents donot stay with us.
    Just me, my DH and my kids. How would you feel?
     
  8. vinaya1234

    vinaya1234 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Nandhu,Your post brought tears to my eyes,

    Yes, I may be asking for too much ............By bringing this up I might have messed up the otherwise happy family except that I personally am not for joint family system.

    Thanks for the frank fb.
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2010
  9. vinaya1234

    vinaya1234 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks vshnvr and archana for your feedback.
     
  10. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    592
    Likes Received:
    21
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    If you had a strong liking for nuclear family, you should have discussed this while you were in US and directly went to your own home and settled down separately. But after inviting them to live with your guys and then throwing them out is not right.

    I am just like you, although inlaws are not that troublesome, I prefer nuclear family since I have so many perks like - wearing shorts/Bermudas at home, lying on dh lap and watching tv, not cooking when i don't want to, throwing surprise parties for friends/cousins anytime ... so many. In-laws surely will frown upon all these ..

    But now its too late, as Nandu said, dont ruin the peace of the family now.

    JMO
     

Share This Page