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Teenagers In India Vs Teenagers In Usa ???

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by anika987, Aug 20, 2016.

  1. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    My neighbor back in India returned from USA to India with her 10 year old daughter citing the reason that it is tough to bring up a teenager in Usa especially girls?? Even many claim in some forums the main reason to move back to India is kids and bring them up in the right culture? One even claimed the girls in america will 100% not be virgins after 17!! I don't want to go deep into that...

    I do not understand. My other neighbor's daughters here in USA are 14 year old and 10 year old and they are lovely girls.confident,calm and the way they carry themselves is great. I do not know much about the teens here and I do not know much about other teenagers in India so as to compare.

    I like India and in many threads I have written about my reasons but never thought to add kids to that list of reasons..I have few doubts..

    I am sure many of you IL ladies have teen kids and how tough is it to bring them up here in Usa?Are teens really better in India?Is it a good decision to move to India for the sake of kids??however,ironically the same parents send their kids back to america for higher studies..


    How do you compare the teens here in US and there in India??Is it a wise choice to move back in order to raise our teens better and safe in India??
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 23, 2016
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    There are three sub-topics here:
    1. Parenting a teen in India vs U.S. (or abroad)
    2. General comparison of behavior of teens in India vs U.S.
    3. Going back to India mainly for the sake of kids.

    I will comment on my experience parenting a teen in the U.S. and skip (at least for now) the other two sub-topics.

    I think living in the U.S., I have enough down time and energy left to spend time with the teen. To talk. To know what is going on in her mind. To make up for times when I lose my cool and yell at her. If I lived in India, the day to day life's little struggles (I don't think maidservants are a convenience or free up too much useable time), so the little struggles would leave me with less enthu to spend time with the teen. Now, I hear that in India, families are not so isolated, and there are relatives and also general society that participates in the bringing up of the child. Plus there are more festivals, etc. Maybe. But, I like to be more crucial to my child as a parent, and so life in U.S. suits me better - it makes me a better parent and gives me more time to devote to parenting.

    Where I do struggle with the parenting thing in U.S. is that it is always uncharted territory. Like, about the school system, extra curriculars, their friends, interacting with the child as an 'equal', etc., we have to learn as the first child grows. In particular, living in a society that highly encourages, and even requires, the teen to think for him/her self at young age - challenges me. How to guide the teen without imposing one's will is tough enough - doing that in a place that champions individual independence - even more so.

    Nice thread, anika.
     
  3. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    I feel it is BS if parents are going back to India for sake for preserving girls virginity.
    It has been almost 15 years that I completed high school. My sibling and I both went to international school, we met a lot of NRI kids. In my opinion NRI kids are the first one who actually want to explore things out than the natives.

    When I was in 10th junior girls got caught exchanging **** tapes in school. I tasted my first beer and alcohol in one of my NRI friends house. The only thing that I got into when I was in high school was listening to metal and rock and eating non-veg!Yes, I sneaked into pubs- I didn't drink per say. I did it because all my friends did it. Few guys used to drink- but mostly girls would be there just for the DJ or coz friends are doing it.
    I did know few girls deeply committed to guys where they had explored sex. Some of the high school couples are still together few have parted ways.
    When my sibling started her high school- she is more shy and didn't actually have a group to hang out with. Her only friend couldn't stop talking about her guy and her going 2nd base. I remember this coz my sis came and asked what 2nd base was.

    Today-- I was just talking to one of my cousins-- that how my youngest cousins has bf problems and just by listening to it makes me feel old. And the cousin that I was talking to told me that younger cousin has smoked weed and how a year ago my other cousins had got together (while I was having a baby) had smoked weed and partied on a trek.

    I do have cousins (girls) in the US- they are strictly monitored on social media. Their parents constantly have an open-ended relationship talk.
    There is no better or worse situation-- I believe parents have to accept one day our children will go into the world and be with a guy or a girl. By moving to India, I feel it's the parent's inability to accept or handle the situation better for their children.

    I believe Indians in general ( older generation) have a problem in communicating about sex/ relationships with children. In my opinion, if parents have an open-ended conversation with children about sex and relationship. It will help children have an idea of do's and dont's.
    I think Indian parents dont actually listen or understand their children and just say my house my rules these things can seriously backfire be it in India or the US.
     
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2016
  4. dia3

    dia3 Silver IL'ite

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    No monitoring or open ended talk lol --------can help here....be realistic .....this is not India -here everyone has lot of rights.......there is lot of **** problem, sleeping around, pre-marital sex going on- starts very early here.......... being a virgin for both men n women is laughed upon here even in younger age unlike India....off course no lady or a man is going to tell her/his parents that she/he lost the virginity in school because of peer pressure or she got abortion or she is on pills....few of my friends looked like the most obedient indians but had wild nasty encounters very early on, which they shared with their friends n not parents...........parents still thought she/he is my seedhi/seedha indian lad or lady...n if a man gets another woman pregnant, he got to pay child support whether married or unmarried !! but dorky studious men or women - are also made fun of in school n bullied a lot...

    Either be ready for this or be prepared to move to India as sleeping around when non serious or just for casual fun is still frowned upon there as its not easy to get things there..lol!
     
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2016
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  5. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Anika - Nice thread!

    Hey, I did move to India for a while before getting back. We were quite happy in India. I moved for myself, not for the kids though. I think its a wrong notion to do anything for the sake of the children.
    We had a good experience(except for me on the work front). My DD got a lot out of it. I want it for my son too but it's not something that's right for him. He needs to be in the US and we have decided to stick around!

    Now first of all, I think, more than being in a certain place, the way we raise these iGens will matter more than anything else. With the explosion of technology, parenting is a tough job, be it India, US or timbaktoo! No country is better than the other. Both has its pros and cons. We need to learn as parents when to step in and when to let go. That's hard for us because it's all so new. Our parents had a say in everything until our weddings but these days, kids are entitled to their own decisions. The sooner we help them become independent, the better chance they have in the survival of the fittest race. This transcends borders. No matter where we choose to raise them, we need to equip them with the knowledge and let them go. Let them choose their own classes, let them pick their own interests, let them apply to the college of their choice, let them pick careers they really are passionate about and help them by encouraging them every step of the way.
     
  6. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    That's is really good reply.

    @anika987

    I live abroad and I am not really sure how the situation is there in India.

    Well, we as parents always strive to help or raise our kids to the best of our ability. But have we succeeded, that answer I can possibly tell you in an another decade. Because what I think now as right way of bringing up may not be reflected the same later on. Still we all have our way of teaching our kids which is often basically influenced by our own thoughts and perceptions. So probably a retrospective analysis later on in life will be needed. But that doesn't deter us from trying to do our best now.

    Btw I don't think by moving to India just for the sake of our kids, makes a difference, but that's my view only.

    Thanks for the thread.
     
  7. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    I find it rather laughable that people think india is the epitome of moral values and moving there is the solution to bring up morally balanced kids.

    Nearly 25 years ago in my regular middle class school in India there were all sorts of shenanigans going on. Only the kids were sneaky. There were girls who went all the way plus ones who did this and were two-timing their boyfriends.

    Luckily for me, though my parents didn't talk about the mechanics of sex, they were very open talking about hormonal changes in the body and attraction caused by proximity resulting infatuation. They spoke about making choices - that it is better to be settled first in life and then choose and commit to a partner. About respecting oneself and waiting for the right person to come. Also it was clear through multiple conversations the if I were in any trouble I was to go to them.

    I would do the same with my child.

    From where I stand, I still see far too much casual sexism in India - women marginalised because of their gender regardless of how capable and independent they are. Casual remarks about how perhaps I'd be lucky enough next time around to have a male child! How my child could use the informal pronouns to address me but must absolutely give dad the respect he deserves on account of him being male! The mechanics and carpenters who blatantly refuse to engage in a conversation with me about what I want or worse, patronise me, while saluting to attention when my husband says the same thing two minutes later.

    My daughter is watching all this. At 3 and a half she commented, "but that's so unfair, mummy" when she witnessed a random incident which we wouldn't even register as an issue for most of us. This casual lack of respect during a three week holiday makes me want to scream. I wouldn't want my daughter to be battling in that environment, when she has an option.

    While things aren't all peachy here, I find more of everyday integrity, importance given to inclusivity, respect and kindness. My child learns a lot from this environment and frankly, I often try to emulate her, and try to make myself a better person.

    I have seen several kids including teenagers abroad and in India who are extremely balanced and wonderful. And there are an equal number of entitled brats everywhere. It boils down to a large extant to parenting and the environment that the child is provided with.
     
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  8. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Sorry my previous post was far too raw. When we have uprooted ourselves from our country of origin, it is difficult for kids to get a sense of community. A sense of community and belongings very important for kids to thrive and make good choices.

    It is important for parents to have a good social circle from the time the kids are tiny. By that I do not mean become all clannish and stick with the persons of your own nationality or worse, state. By all means make sure you are part of people of your heritage but ensure a wider range too. Many non-Indian parents I meet in school and in extracurricular classes have similar mindsets to us. They want their kids to put in the effort and do their best too.

    Invite them over for a cup of tea when the kids cone along for a playdate. Make an effort to be a part of the community by volunteering in local community activities. Let the kids join the local scouts group.

    Most importantly don't get too jingoistic about India and put the kids off the beautiful country. Tell them about your memories but don't make everything a moral science lesson. Accept the fact that the kids belong in a different time and place. They might not make the same choice that you might have made at 18. As long as they are good human beings nothing else matters.
     
  9. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Well said!
     
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  10. Rajijb

    Rajijb Silver IL'ite

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    Open communication with set boundaries is very important in parenting. We should not shy away from questions our kids ask us. Using good judgement, explain to the kids the core values. You want to make sure that the kids say, "I want to go home", rather than run away from home as they get older. If you live in a foreign country, do not put down the other culture. I find among many Indians "the superiority complex". JUST MY OBSERVATION. No hard feelings, please! Most importantly, "Trust the kids", and make it clear that they have to earn it. This is based on having lived in the US for almost thirty years, and having brought up two young men.
     
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