Teenage Crushes

varalotti · Nov 22, 2005

Teenage Crushes

An Article By Varalotti Rengasamy

The girl was walking with her brother in a busy thoroughfare in Bangalore. They were talking animatedly as they were crossing an intersection of roads. Suddenly from nowhere appeared a young man armed with a knife and was about to stab the girl. The girl’s brother threw himself on the assailant and put up a brave fight.

But how long could a thirteen year old boy hold against a maniac killer armed with a lethal weapon? In a matter of minutes the assailant stabbed the girl several times and then stabbed himself. When the ambulance came both were dead. The brother who put up a valiant fight was honoured with a bravery award. In a press interview he said “I am ready to return this award and whatever I have. Will someone give back my sister?”

It was only later that the background of the incident was known. The assailant and the girl were deeply in love with each other. The boy was very possessive that he became furious even if the girl appeared to talk to another boy. This led to frequent squabbles between the lovers and in a heated moment the girl plainly walked out of the relationship. Gripped with fierce jealousy the boy, a software engineer in the making killed the girl and then killed himself. Two precious lives were lost. Two families lost their children. Inconsolable, no doubt. But definitely avoidable.

It is high time we focus on the adoloscent relationships. Agony aunt colums and ask me sites focus predominantly on pre-marital sex among the adoloscents. Pre-marital sex is a definitely a matter of moral concern to the parents and to the society. And unprotected sex is a serious health hazard given the fact India holds the third rank in the world when it comes to number of AIDS infected people.

Agreed. But having sex especially a typical one-night stand is one-thing. But having a serious love relationship is a completely different ball game and often times a fatal one too, as the incident described above proves beyond doubt.

Psychologists are unanimous in saying that it requires the maturity of an adult to handle a full-fledged love relationship or a romantic relationship. It is debatable
whether pre-marital sex is morally all right given our cultural mileu; it is arguable whether it is okay to have the first sexual experience at a very young age. But there could not be any second opinion about the fact that the minds of the adoloscents are not capable of having a serious relationship.

First an adoloscent cannot objectively view the relationship. A mind obsessed with sex and physical relationships thanks to the harmones which will be working overtime during adoloscence, cannot focus on the subtle aspects of a real relationship. An adoloscent cannot even properly judge whether the other person is really good and whether a healthy relationship can be sustained with that person.

Adoloscents are fiercely possessive. Untamed by the ways of the world and unknown to the harsh realities of life an adult they are typically 10 times more possessive than an adult. By this excessive possessiveness they deny the space to their partners to live their own lives – a crucial necessity if a long-term relationship is to be sustained.

Added to that adoloscents are highly impressionable. They fall in and fall out of a relationship all for wrong reasons in no time. And they react excessively to any intrusion to the relationship. In every man-woman relationship there is surely an element of jealousy. But during adoloscence the jealousy is so intense that it can even kill and maim at the slightest provocation.

Selvi was very intimate with her cousin. Now it could not be called a proper relationship because her cousin, Ramesh, was her mother’s sister’s son. In the place where they lived (South Tamilnadu) they were deemed to be brother and sister. In fact that gave them a kind of licence to be together most of the time. People did not suspect anything between them as they saw them as siblings. Armed by this presumption the pair went ahead and had sex frequently.

Now came the jealousy part. Ramesh knew that one day or other this relationship had to end because they could not marry. So he became overly protective (read: jealous) of Selvi. Selvi who intially felt very pampered by Ramesh’s attention, soon started feeling constricted. She studied in a co-ed school.

She could not talk to the boys in the class, for Ramesh had planted ‘spies’ who will report such a transgression immediately to him. Ramesh was also trailing her wherever she went. In a moment of exasperation she told Ramesh enough is enough and simply stopped seeing him. This enraged Ramesh who had started plotting to do something to ‘teach a lesson or two to the bitch.’

One day Selvi was in a bus. Ramesh who as usual was trailing her was on the same bus just a seat behind her. Selvi knew about Ramesh’s presence and she wanted to irritate him.

She saw Mani, a lawyer who was a family friend. Mani was in his forties and Selvi saw a powerful male in him who can counter Ramesh. When Selvi’s next seat became vacant she invited the lawyer to sit by her side. And when he sat down Selvi was soon engaged in an animated conversation with him. Mani was surprised by this sudden outspokenness of the girl.

Ramesh became furious and thought that Selvi had a crush with the lawyer and that was the reason she dropped him. Ever since Selvi broke up with him he had been carrying a bottle containing some acid, just in case. Now in a fit of fury Ramesh threw the acid at Selvi and Mani.

Selvi’s face was severely disfigured. Mani was also injured. And Ramesh is behind bars for the crime. Three lives were jeopardised thanks to one wrong relationship, very wrongly handled.

varalotti · Nov 22, 2005

Teenage Crushes II

It is at this point that we should appreciate the difference between us and other advanced countries. In the US, for example, these relationships are there. But there pre-marital sex is taken for granted. So they have sex and then forget. Except in few cases they do not carry the emotional baggage. There an adoloscent relationship is not taken very seriously.

At a very early stage in relationship they go to bed and soon change partners just like that. Of course that does not mean that we can culturally encourage promisuity. Moreover they have a number of counsellors and mentors who can help the adoloscents handle the relationship.

It is because of their cultural background – where pre-marital virginity especially for girls is not a prize to be handed over to the bridegroom on the wedding-night – that sex does not have an emotional attachment or bondage.

But here in India a boy-girl relationship, sex or no sex, comes along with a heavy emotional baggage. And that baggage has destroyed many a promising life.

What can the parents of adoloscents do to avoid their wards marching on the path of disaster?

Only those adoloscents who do not get the needed attention or affection from their parents seek elsewhere for an emotionally satisfying relationship. And almost in all cases of adoloscent affairs, the parents did not spend enough time with their children.

The typical case is that of Latha whose parents did not have time even to talk to her. But materially she had everything in life – a room filled with electronic gadgets, education in the best college in the town, plenty of dresses, a large allowance for her personal expenses and a chaffeur-driven car. The bottom line was that she ended up spending more time with her driver and maid than with her father and mother. One fine morning she eloped with the driver taking the car, a lot of jewels and cash. Considering the fact that the driver was a school drop-out and already a father of two children, we can imagine the life she has chosen for herself.

Many times children in their teens might resent parental intrusion and might be rude also. But that is just a cover. Deep down they would like their parents to know about their studies; they would love to narrate what happened in their college; they would even love some kind of supervision and guidance from their parents, instead of getting everything they want.

Parents should consciously plan some kind of an outing with their teenaged children. An eat-out, movie or shopping. Many children open up their minds while they are outside home, in the company of their parents.

The problems faced by the family, financial or otherwise, should be discussed in the presence of adoloscent children and their opinion should be sought. This would give a sense of belonging to them and make them very responsible. There are parents who keep their problems away from their children, on the pretext they do not want to give any unhappiness to them.

Whenever an adoloscent has a problem he normally looks to his peers for advice. His peers would be as inexperienced and as immature as he is and there lies a problem. Nor would the adoloscent find it comfortable discussing his problems with his parents.

It is better to introduce a good counsellor to the adoloscent pretty early even before he has any problems. This counsellor or mentor, may be a family friend, the family doctor or a teacher or even a qualified counsellor.

The important thing that the counsellor should have empathy and compassion and should have the extraordinary maturity of reaching out to adoloscent children and make them feel comfortable in his presence. Some of the colleges have an organised Mentoring programme where the students discuss their problems with their chosen Mentors once a week or so. Parents can play a role in idenitfying the right counsellor for their wards and encourage them to meet the counsellors regularly.

Psychologists say that the best index of an adoloscent’s mind is his academic scoring pattern. Here we find many parents just have a cursory glance at the mark sheets and shout at their children if they had scored low marks. But in this context we are not concerned with low marks or high marks but with the sudden shifts in the pattern.

When a girl who has been scoring high consistently in the past, gets low marks, then that should ring an alarm. Instead of shouting at the girl for the low scores, the parents should take that as a symptom and find out the real problem. In the case mentioned before, where the girl eloped with the driver, her score cards showed a sudden fall in her performance which her parents did not have time to notice or act upon. Naturally a girl who has developed a serious relationship with the driver and is planning to elope cannot focus on her studies. Had her parents taken the clue from her score card the disaster could have been averted.

Managing adoloscent children could at times become more complex than rocket science and could require more skills than running a large company or heading the Government. Somebody said,”Adoloscence and sea-sickness is fun, only in retrospect.” And if the parents are not alert enough some of the relationships their children pick up may ruin their future lives and that of their parents.

meenaprakash · Nov 22, 2005

I feel lucky our days weren't so bad..........

Hello Sridhar,

From handling the problems related to women in the form of different Lakshmi's to teenage crushes, only you can do this............................

More and more such articles are required and are crucial in these days of chaos.
Teenagers of today are the worst affected ever. Feel very sorry for them.

One hand, the career – the competition, confusion, etc Secondly – exposure; the level of exposure to good and bad has crossed the highest level - exposure to sex, exposure to drugs, exposure to such gadgets that is useful as well as harmful; thirdly, - unavailability of parental support & guidance at the crucial stage of their life. They need the best handling and support from all corners.

The incidents that you have cited show the youngsters are immature, selfish, sadists for whom life is just acquiring and to get it they’ll go any extent – murder, kill, rape….

I too believe that their behavior reflects their upbringing. I very strongly believe it’s the lack of attention and affection that has diverted these young minds to negative paths. In these days of machines, I sometimes feel we are also turning into machines – we are programmed to get married, to deliver babies, to admit them at playhomes, boarding schools and finally force them into marital bonds and end the responsibility as the parent.

Nothing can substitute the warmth of the Mother’s hug, especially the initial months of birth. Research says the warmth of the mother’s body is necessary for the emotional well-being of a child. Unfortunately the kids of today are wrapped in sweaters (along with the lunch bag and office bags) and left (shld I say dropped) at play homes where they merge with other kids and get lost. Can’t blame anyone.

Few years back, my aunt was discussing about an article on Russian Women. The heading said, “Women pls go back Home!!” I didn’t read that myself and I’m not sure of the content of the article but I presume its calling women to back home because they have a bigger responsibility at home, the home needs them more than office. But unfortunately how many can afford to sit at home??????????????????????

Just last evening I’d been to a school to meet the H.M. and she came out of her chamber and said she’ll come home to see me as she is in a meeting with a parent. The reason – the boy in X std was found smoking in the school and was handling bundles of cash. How can they be reformed or what kinda counseling is required here when the boy is already grown up and is too big to listen to anyone.

I strongly believe if a parent decides to have a child – they must take complete responsibility of the child. How many parents understand what is parenthood. They just deliver kids like it’s the next job they need to do once married.
I’m sorry if I’m harsh but I’ve to cite this incident I witnessed in a Govt Hospital.

I’d been to this hospital to see my maid who’d delivered a baby (have a soft corner for her). As I walked towards the ward I hear these words from a nurse – she looked like a senior lady as everybody looked at her with fear and respect – “ U deliver babies like Dogs; why don’t u stop it if u can’t even pay a bill”, I was still young and I was very angry at that point but now I do wonder if its true. How many men standby when their wives are in pain during delivery. How many understand the intricacies of parenthood? How many dedicate and take responsibility of their actions? I’m not talking about the lucky us, who enjoyed the motherhood –

There was another thread under family and parenting, Are Kids Worth It? I saw such beautiful responses of how motherhood made us complete, the beautiful days that we spent with our kids, etc. Now please think of those mothers who never had such beautiful instances in life – those who didn’t get their husbands support; those who delivered because of MIL’s pressure; those who had to undergo the pain not to enjoy motherhood but was raped by husbands; those who deliver and leave their babies in dustbins, etc because they can’t afford to keep them; those lying in hospital after delivery tired and afraid and hoping their husbands would visit them and pay the bills; Do U think Such Kids are Worth It????? Kids who are wanted not to shower love & affection but kids who are born not by choice and these kids who has all chances of becoming a social evil. I respect couples who openly say that they can’t afford to have a child because they don’t have time in their hands or because they feel they can’t take the responsibility.

I hope the comparison on India with other countries w.r.t. pre-marital sex would be an eye-opener for teenagers who read it. Unfortunately, we don’t think of our background, culture, custom, etc when doing wrong or while crossing limits for personal pleasures but react like an extremist in the open. But in the long run each and every one shld take responsibility of their doings.

Parents who really care for their children shld constantly keep an eye on the progress of the child. Even a busy mother would definitely see changes in her child – signals that would alert them that something’s going wrong. Its unfortunate that our lifestyle doesn’t give ample time to spend with our families but parents should find ways and means of getting their children to spend time(quality time) and share their fears. Parents shld change their roles as friends and let the teenage child have an outlet of their feelings, fears, and make them feel confident to share it with them rather than holding back everything only to explode one day.

I also feel lucky that our teenage days weren’t so violent and bad. Let’s see others views.

varalotti · Nov 22, 2005

An Article Replied With An Article, Well Done, Meena!

I am very happy to see that you are so much involved in this issue that you took time to give a long and wonderful reply. All your words on parenting are true, some of them painfully true. All the incidents I quoted in my article are real life incidents. In fact I had to tone down a few real life incidents. For instance Selvi (who had relationship with her cousin and had acid thrown on her face) succumbed to acid-burn injuries in the hospital. Now a serious murder case has been booked against her cousin. Looks like he would be sentenced to life.
I just want to add one line of thinking, Meena. The earlier generation (those who got married in 60s to 80s were able to deliver and bring up wonderful children, because most of them were housewives and even if they weren't so they had a lot of time for their children. It's because of this India was able to deliver loads of cultured talent to the IT and ITES industry. But the next generations (those who got married in 90s and thereafter) do not have the luxury of giving enough time to their children. I am worried what would be the outcome.
Let's wait for others' views.
sridhar

Prema · Nov 22, 2005

Very True

First of all congratulations to the two of you!!! This is really such an interesting debate that, I had just very casually rised this topic during my office lunch hour and everyone was so engrossed that we had discussed about this issue for almost 2 hrs including my boss!

I think the biggest culprit here is the television and the entertainment industry. Teenagers are taking most of thier clues from this medium and this is where parents have to keep a check. When ever we get leisure time, instead of all the family members fighting themselves for watching a stupid never ending family drama which has no morals or values, instead.... switch off that Idiot box (who ever has, has named aptly) and spend some quality time with your loved one's. Discuss some family matter's , that way, even the children will have a sence of responsibility, or play games ( indoor or outdoor games ) with your kids, that ways, both elders and kids would grow stronger physically and mentally. Try to inclucate some hobby........ Every humanbeing has been gifted with some hidden talent. It is parents responsibilty to dig it out and polish it. Who knows...... we may again give our country another diamond???? There are many things like this and this will go on.....

I sincerely wish that each and every member of our Indus Ladies Community read this and give a serious thought. If they have children, think if they are bringing up children the right way and if they don't have think if they can give their children right values and bring up their children above everything else in life, and then decide to bear children.

I wish to add one thing here...... that WE ARE , WHAT WE ARE TODAY ONLY BECAUSE OF OUR PARENTS UPBRINGING. I really thank my parents for what ever Iam today.

Prema

vidhukumar · Nov 23, 2005

The above article is highly moving and yet true.I think its time we sit up and open our eyes to this reality ,this trend thats catching up so fast,thanks to the vast media exposure.Many times the situation is so delicate that we are mostly helpless(or feel so),a tiny wrong move can end up in disasterous results!Raising a teenager is no joke,and is a heavy responsibility,almost like walking on a rope,the correct balance is essential for the bright future of the child&family.With the constant over dose of sex&related trends on the Media(about which we can do nothing!),its up to us to become extra careful.Lack of time is a major challange that most parents have to face today,for which many times they can't be blamed as its not possible for the lady of the family to stay home due to financial issues(what with the sky high fees in most institutions that make education a booming business now a days!parents have to slog for their childs future).Whatever the case is, a vigilant watch over children is always necessary.The simple yet magical solution lies in a 4 letter word-LOVE!!if we give constant over dose of Love to our children(heavier than the sex-related dose that the media gives!!),i think half the problems wont arise....At a very young age children should be taught the value of Love and family .They should be explained about the do's and dont's in life.Their talents should be identified and encouraged.They should be guided towards a carrier fit for them.More than anything,its very important to to build a dynamic relationship with children,where we can become a parent,friend ,philosopher and guide as and when needed.Its also very important to get to know your childs friends,some parents dont allow many friends to come home and play,which should not be the case.Every parent should show keen interest in all their childs friends,invite them home and get to know them.This way,parents will get an idea of what kind of friends circle their children move in,which is very important as friends play a very significant role in a teenagers life.If parents take care of little things right from the beginning and create the right kind of relationship with their child,their teenager can become their best friend!!!and such horrible stories will only happen in movies!!!

varalotti · Nov 23, 2005

A Lively Discussion, Prema and Vidhukumar!

I am happy to learn that my article has provoked such a lively and a responsible discussion. If only all the parents are aware of these facts, there would be nothing but happiness all around. Arising out of replies I would like to focus on two points. Number one is the TV. We can't escape the idiot box. I have seen parents who go to the extreme of cutting down cable connection. There also I find the children going far away to their friends' places to watch TV. The ideal way is to adopt the middle path. Let the children watch the TV but let the viewing be regulated. The parents should watch at least a few shows along with their teenage children and discuss about them. Such an interaction has two advantages. One is the child feels loved and taken care of. Secondly, if some damned TV show is going to preach wrong morals, we can nip them at the bud.
The second idea which I want to present here is never cocoon the teenagers from your family problems. In case the family has financial problems discuss with your teenage children and discuss with your spouse in their presence. this will make them highly responsible.
When I was in my teens I wanted money for an excursion. My dad flatly refused. We were a low middle class family then. I was moody and refused to talk to him. It was then my Dad did a wonderful thing. When he got the salary for the next month he gave the cover to me. And he wanted me to the family finance along with my mother. If I was able to save enough money then I can get money for whatever purpose I want. That was the deal. But the four months I managed the household finances I suffered hell. There was an ever increasing demand for expenses - old and new and the income was virtually fixed.
This made me responsible and who knows might have sown the seeds for a successful chartered accountant's career later in life.
The parents should not show their affluence to their children but should show their poverty.
I would never blame the teenagers for their hasty decisions and nasty relationships. We parents are responsible one way or other.
Prema and Vidhukumar, I am very proud to see very good parents in you. Your children are blessed. Carry this message far and wide.
sridhar

vidhukumar · Nov 23, 2005

Thanks for your compliment Mr. Sridhar(about me being a wonderful parent&my children being blessed!!!)but it doesnt suit me!!Am Quite young,just married over a year and we havent planned a family yet!!

varalotti · Nov 24, 2005

What I said was true!

When I said that I see good parents in you, I meant both the actual ones and the potential ones. A person who thinks so responsibly is sure to be a good parent. I didn't say that you are good parents. I just said that I see good parents in you. All the best.
sridhar

Chitvish · Nov 24, 2005

Those were the days !

Hello friends,

As one of the senior (ofcourse, in age ) members of this forum, I just want to share my thoughts with you. When my children were young, I was not a working mother (nor am one, now). T V had not made its appearance then.Even if I had some errands to run, I used to think, it was my duty to be at home when the children came back from school. Both of them, on their return, used to discuss all that happened in school with me. We used to talk & joke a lot –my daughter, son & me-over the evening tiffin ! Then they both would go to their “private sessions” in which, I was never included. But all that helped their bonding with each other so strong, that in spite of living different types of lives today & their spouses being less understanding about this bond, they have a strong moral support in each other which makes me happy. After my husband came back from office, a sit down meal of all the four of us together was a must, which everyone of us enjoyed. T V villain was not there ! They used to help me around so much because there was so much of time for them. When I go through my old recipe books, I see that they have written down so much for me in their “not yet formed” handwriting ! Their own children cannot believe that their own parents had time for all these ! Now when somemothers talk & write about “ quality Time “ for their children, I am really perplexed. Do they pack all that they want to give their children in a capsule & offer it at that time ? The children miss out on so many spontaneous reactions from the mother, when they need her physically by their side. Please don’t think, I am agaist a working woman – not at all. I think more & more psychosomatic problems of today are arising out of something missing in today’s lives. Is material comfort taking a slight edge over human relationship ?

Is the parent-child relationship acquiring new dimensions which, with my old fashioned thinking,I am not able to comprehend ? To end, I can only say that , thank god, I gave my best in bringing them up & never compromised, on giving them the best of my attention & time. That has always been a self satisfying factor in my life.
Regards,
Chithra.