Teen Nephew's question abt having Girlfriend

Maggi, I am glad Ansuya is here to tell what's on her mind. I do agree with her that romance need not come in the way of academics and will not in a healthy relationship. I know I have tried to outperform every one in sight because one very studious, good looking guy was interested in me and vice versa ;-). We were friends and continued to be even after that flame was extinguished.
Of course, i am talking about 20 years ago, but the chap did not spend anything on me and nor did I expect that. In a respectful relationship, peer pressure will have no place, the couple will like each other for the people they are (attitude as your nephew put it).When a woman knows she is being treated as an equal and with respect, she is not going to expect gifts for her to be made special or for her to feel validated as his interest.
I dont think I am being really good at explaining this. Sensible women do not expect to be wined, dined and treated like queens in public to compensate for the less than complimentary treatment in private. And your nephew says clearly he likes her for her attitude (after her good looks). He should be focussing on getting to know the girl.
Money and matrimony can wait. If the girl expects to be bought a gift for every weekly anniversaries, then there is a reason to not nurture the relationship.
This is a good opportunity for your nephew to grow and learn how to engage in a world of adults. Ditto-ing what Ansuya says, even if this relationship does not grow into something promising, your nephew will learn valuable lessons from here. From your vantage position, you can help him grow into a fine young man.

 

Yeah, it is a possible situation. But you know your nephew and his seeking your advice puts you in a position to guide him move in a decorous, responsible way. Having a GF should never be because of peer pressure, but because he feels something genuine for this gal.... Your concerns are real, but I would not assume the worst of teenagers. I was a very responsible one ;-) and I know a bunch who are. You have the ability to steer your nephew now, use it to the advantage of your family and your nephew. Good luck and Hugs. I know it is a very big responsibility, but from your responses I can see you will take all the efforts to make the best choices.

 

Ansuya :thumbsup POV. As tikka says all of our perspectives at discussing this issue is giving pointers to many of us, including myself.

Maggi, i would say don't say that it is costly, because indirectly you are saying otherwise it is ok. teenager tries to look at the argument in two ways..:rotfl. telling your sister to invite his friends is a good idea, but a suden invitation from your sister is going to raise questions from him. i would say be prepared to handle that too.:thumbsup

Tikka, I fully agree if both are mature, and have a very level head, their relationship can be very positive. there is drpreethi who is a live example to us. i know of a couple who started dating from 10th standard, and today they have settled well in life. I have nothing against dating, as long as it goes in the positive track. I would want my son and daughter to mingle with the opposite sex, forming a healthy attitude towards the opposite person and also to respect the other sex.

the other side of the coin is so scary tikka. i stay in a school zone. there are three schools in my area. i do observe how things are going on. I know of a certain case, where, the girl presented the boy both are from middle class, and in the 11th a mobile that is anywhere between 13 to 15k. the boy leaves the mobile with one of his classmates (whose mother is my friend incidentally.) when he goes home.

My DH had recently attended a wedding in chennai, where there were local people from oman. and there was a escort service arranged and all of them were college girls. I don't say it is wrong. they are earning good pocket money, but do you think the parents are all aware??

I am not against part time jobs. infact, I am happy that they are doing it.
but in a conservative society such as ours, i would say , let the parents not be in to a rude shock.

the other day i was listening to a live Q &A, and the psychologist was quipping, that the mom would not have time for the child when the child wants, to talk about things, when he is in the 2-10, and suddenly at 10-15, the mother is so scared, that she wants to know everything that is happening in the son's life. we want the child to be independent and at the same time we want to tie a noose to the child's neck when he/she turns a teenager..

as usual sorry to digress, but could not stop myself...

 

Maggi.. to me their age gap was a minimal worry ..

My major concern lies with...
when the parent of this Teen is closely related to me & I know that this person mother/ father is one hell of a dictator & knows what best for his child.. I'll prefer to remain out of it.

In the world today ppl dont like their kids to be fed anything if they're visiting your house unless you get explicit instructions... its all abu possessiveness & I know best attitude that becomes v hard to handle when situations/ relations go out of control.

 

Maggi, i feel more than calling them home, i think talking to them over phone too wud be wise... but if there is no such practise till date, starting it all of a sudden, wud raise your nephew's eyebrows Your sis somehow shud gradually show interest in kids' friends and get into talking to them over phone, whenever there is any incoming call. This wud make the kids happy and mommy wud get to know.
Yes, telling teens that girlfriends are costly... what wud you advice to a girl then? i had 2 cousins, elder bro and younger sis. Elder one - in CPT and evening college, younder one in class XI. I cudnt say anything that wud get the other one on fumes. Instead, told them its completely fine, they can hang on groups, build their education/career options, become all eligible ones, then, if they still find that xxx GF or BF showing the interest, go ahead and ask for. Till then its wise to wait and watch. About peers, i said, tell your friends too that asking out now wont be a good idea, coz there are a lot more in the education and career front. Again, in Q and A mode. My cousin, who is doing CPT, doesnt go to a regular college. So he thinks he doesnt get to talk to girls, as his other regular college friends do. So whoever he gets to know in his CPT class, he tries to get friendly... and the looonnngg sms continues... I told him,this is perfectly fine, as long as you take enough care that this socialising and smsing wudnt barge into your regular study times
He agrees.

 

sorry, i am little off the subject. The talk about phone calls from friends reminds me of what my Mom would tell my teen brother. This was during land line age. Every phone call my brother recieved or called my mom would ask who was that and my brother would casully reply "friend" Mom would say I know friend only friends call not enemies I need names" :rotflPoor brother:drowning

 

Maggi,
I think 11th grade is too early for any serious relationship be it boy or girl. Its good you are talking to your sister to give him a general advice.
Meanwhile, I think you should talk to him too.
Explain to him this might be just his first crush. Using studies as a priority might not work with him as you say he is more good in sports than studies. Tell him too much time spent on this new found crush is taking him away from his goal ( may be ask about his goal first, like how he is plannig to support himself when he is out of college)
Having friend as a girl and hanging out in group is okay. But spending time energy and money (Parents money) on eachother is definete no no.