Tears and Warning Bells Again – A Real Life Incident

varalotti · Nov 11, 2006

A Good Observation, Latha!

Hi,

It was quite interesting to learn about the hobby of your husband and how he could allocate time and money for it after retirement. And it is a blessing to have a son who supports his father's interests.

Now coming to the illustration I have given, JK himself has made it clear to him that his was passion for painting was not strong enough. It was so weak that his father could brush it away with his soft words. But the man had developed a kind of psychological complex and thought that had he gone for a career in painting he could have done better and could have been happier in life. He thinks that his father had blocked that path. That is the reason for his grief at that age.

For your husband photography was a hobby. You can take it up at any stage in life when you feel comfortable.

But Latha, there are persons who have a burning passion for photography. Especially in those days where you had to be very skilful in operating a camera when this "aim and click" cameras were not there. I have known photographers who have even cut down on their food to buy film and other accessories.

The man in the real-life story I have given started having a great passion for painting. His father would have done him good even if he had shouted at him for that kind of craving. That would have at least fanned his passions further and he would have even walked out of his house to seek a career as a painter. Instead the father had very cleverly covered the fire of his passion with some green leaves and reduced the heat.
When the man turned 55 and the father was dead he found that the passion had started to burn and glow again. But the time was gone. Precious years have been lost and nothing could be done about it. That was his grief. And he naturally thought that he had failed in his life.

It was a case of a very deep passion thwarted by his father's words.
regards,
Varalotti

varalotti · Nov 11, 2006

A brilliant post as usual, Preethi

Dear Preethi,
As usual a brilliant analysis. I have replied to most of your points in my reply to Latha.
JK's (thank God he was not a Swamiji) words were quite true. Passions come in all shapes and sizes, Preethi. In the case of the lady you have mentioned may be only later in life she discovered her real interest and started working on it leading to happy results. May be in her prime age she did not have time to think about all these things. (That happens to many of the Indian ladies; even this forum has got many glowing examples of ladies who during their young age were afraid even to talk to their husbands are now roaring to the whole world and shine in many fields)
The man is pathetic because he discovered his passions when he was quite young. Had it grown a little stronger he would have defied his father and woudl have gone his way. And before it grew stronger the father "thatti koduthu, kathaiya mudichittar."
He became busy with his family, work and other things. And at 55 the passion (no passion dies permanently) rose from a state of coma and started tormenting him. Now he looks back at his wasted life. Instead of being a world-class artist he had lived a life of an unknown engineer, faceless and nameless. That was his problem.
Had the passion arisen in him after his retirement for the first time he would have had a happy retired life. Poor fellow.

I will give my own life as an example. I signed up for CA knowing it is a tough course. But I had this passion for numbers and for law (especially tax laws). After qualifying and after 16 years of working life I discovered my passion for writing. I used to keep a diary writing whatever comes to my mind. And then in one of the seminars I handled on creativity, a school boy challenged me, "Can you apply the principles of creativity you are teaching us to your own life? Can you prove to the world that you can excel in a creative art like painting, writing or music?"
That was a wake-up call for me. That happened in 1996 and my first story came out in 1997. And only from 1998 did I seriously pursue writing as a career.
Now there is no gap between the onset of a deep passion and my attempting to quench it.
But man in the incident was quite unfortunate to have such a father. Even if he had a father who would have shouted at him and throw out his drawing materials, his situation would have been better. Poor soul.
regards,
Varalotti

varalotti · Nov 11, 2006

An Apt Quote, Sudha!

Dear Sudha,

You are quite right and your quotation is very apt to the situation.
But Sudha, this story which I have given needs to be read and thought over several times to know its full significance. This is a deeply psychological story and I wish this story is made part of the syllabus for students of psychology.

It is all about timing. The man had a passion to draw. No doubt about it. But it was nipped at its bud by his father's soft words. While on the surface his mind accepted it, deep down it rejected his father's advice. So there was a powerful conflict going on in his mind all through his working life. I can see this conflict in many people who make their millions in their corporate life.

The passion that was half-alive and the decades-old conflict in his mind covinced him that he had failed in his life. Hence that outpouring in the public.

regards,
sridhar

safa · Nov 11, 2006

And now Shahana, a question to you. I am sure you will give an honest answer. The bank manager in your example achieved success - both financial and other wise. He earned much more money than he could do as a bank manager.

Suppose he had succeeded in his chosen avocation. He could make only one-fourth of what he did in his earlier job. As a result of which his wife and children had to cut down their life style. Will you still support him and will you still quote his example with pride?
Click to expand...

Sridhar,
Of course, I will bring out this as an example of success with pride if he hadn’t even earned money like that.
I consider the first step of his success was his courage to throw away his job for fulfilling his dream. Second, none of his kin’s discouraging words could extinguish the fire of his passion for teaching. If he could continue to work to
follow his dream without any body’s support, is it a great achievement? By earning that much of money he could bring home more happiness and could wipe his Dad’s angers towards him. It is the last part of his achievement.

You would be interested to know about a person who is a relative of mine, the only son of the family, learned Carpentry, masonry, garment making and cooking. He doesn’t have a permanent job; still he does all of these works.
He has three daughters and at the time of their marriages he had to accept his relative's help. He is satisfied with his works, earns the money just to meet the ends but leads a happy life since he is getting full support from his family.

varalotti · Nov 11, 2006

I am Proud of You, Shahana!

Dear Shahana,

The fact that you gave the example of your relative who does what he likes to do without making enough money, but still doing a happy job, increased my respect towards you.

At the end of day people realise that money has a limited use. Of course you know about the big saying, which starts with, "Money can buy bed but not sleep; medicines but not health; pleasures but not happiness."

Whether they "succeeded" (again success is a relative term; I have always defined success is being happy in life. I consider some of my friends who earn close to a couple of million dollars abject failures in life because never have I seen them happy) or not, they are doing what they love to do. If a man is blessed with that situation then he need not have to "work" for a day in his life. Because whatever he does is not work but an act of love.

The whole world has realised that money cannot buy you happiness it can only buy you the miseries you enjoy. But is still afraid to let go of its mad rush for money.

I always feel sad for the children of those parents who come to me for career counselling with the question, "Tell me which profession has the scope to make the maximum money?" I even abhor the term "scope" because when you ask for the scope of a particular profession you are only looking at the market, not at the hearts of your children.

Thank you for the good posts and edifying examples, Shahana.
regards,
sridhar

varalotti · Nov 11, 2006

And Now Preethi, It's Your Turn!

Dear Preethi,

Please don't feel bad that I am questioning like a school teacher. The subject we are discussing is the closest to my heart and I want many reinforcing examples on that.

Now Preethi look around your friend circles, relatives and acquaintainces and tell me about persons who resigned a lucrative job to do some thing they loved to do.
I will be happy if you can quote examples of "success" and "failure" of this type of persons.

regards,
Varalotti

Kamla · Nov 11, 2006

Very Interesting

Dear Sridhar,

The incident you describe here is very interesting and at the same time, very enlightening too. How often do we deny ourselves our passion to fall into the line and make a living. I may not be wrong if I say that the world is full of such people. It is extremely rare that a person will declare that he loves his job. Almost all take up some work to make a living and many even make a success of it even if it is not their passion. I have come across a couple of incidents where the person has given up his job to retire to a small place in India and open a seva programme teaching or treating the needy and fulfil a desire of their's. But even in those cases, they have done that after completing their duties towards their children and assuring a certain safety packet to fall back on. But who can blame them for that? It is still a very noble thing to do and the ideal way to spend the rest of the life. But one needs to have a certain amount of fortune ( I don't mean the monetary kind) and luck to be able to do such things.
I can think of many young people in Germany who have decided to follow their passion and interest at the cost of a safe education programme or job. As a matter of fact, we were often surprised how many of our German friends never forced or asked their children to take up college education soon after their schooling. 'Almost all' of my childrens' classmates and friends had atleast an year's break, if not more, just to dabble into things and to experiment, travel and find out about what their personal wish is and which direction to follow in life. Some have changed their college course several times before deciding what they want! My children, by then, had already completed their undergrad!! (But I must underline that Germany has a good social security programme and takes care of its people's personal needs).
Hence, you are right in trying to point out this sense of over urgency in our minds to fall into a safety net for our futures. It is another matter that you happened to me a bit late in the day! Nevertheless, food for thought Sridhar.

L, Kamla

sudhavnarasimhan · Nov 11, 2006

Dear sridhar,
I think there is nothing wrong in the father advising him to make a living , or have some safety net to fall upon , before he can pursue his passion.....it seems another matter that he was not passionate enough to give up his routine living and jump into something like painting at a later age....that was what i had said, if he did not have the passion, then why complain , and blame the father.
As parents it is always good to talk to children and tell them what to expect from life ahead....and maybe as a father he knew his own son and his commitments. I dont feel like blaming the father and say that this a psychological problem , which happens to everyone child.....no way, .. not in this educated era....children make up their minds mostly or talk to parents and so the parents....i feel that era where the children are forced is slowly moving out.
Anyway i cant comment on this, since i have moved out from india, and like Kamala has rightly pointed out, here in Germany children dont pass out from school till 20 years and then they decide to take a year off ....what luxury.....and in no way parents interfere

Ushakrishnan64 · Nov 11, 2006

Passions don't die!

Dear Sridhar,
Thanks to you for kindling such discussions..I generally do not believe in sympathy votes..There is no use if the engineer sheds tears. He should have fanned his passion and become a painter (are you not a CA & a successful writer:clap )
I had dreamt of being a Classical dancer at a very young age. But the financial situation and family background did not permit. This passion was in me all the time. I tapped that talent in my daughter, who is a wonderful classical dancer now. We had her Arangetram in Dubai, six years ago. My mother was deeply moved on the D-day. She said..What I denied you, you have achieved through your daughter..Hope you are not angry with me..
I am saying this to emphasise that passions/ dreams do not die with age. Even to-day, the Engineer can re-kindle his desires and take to paint brush..
Regards
USHA

Preethi · Nov 12, 2006

The Bottomline...

Varalotti, Your post of any kind, always tempts me to think of the situations puthforth and analyse the pro's and con's deeply! You have made me to think again, and I am rebelling with you for few of your views! (Don't mistake me ! I have nothing to offend you, but I feel the sympathy you have for this man, is not worth and I am quite vehement about my feelings against him).

Varalotti, as you pointed out to my example of the lady who took interest in Tanjore paintings at her old age, I cannot tell you for sure whether her passion for painting was just born after she entered old age or was it buried in her right from young age, I happened to quote an incident which I came to hear..

From your post I gather, or atleast intrepret, that your passion for law and numbers had been a passion with which you grew up and achieved, on the other hand, through chance or through incidents, you discovered another passion in you for writing at much later stage in life, which also you went onto to making it into a reality. Regardless of the time your passions were kindled, you went onto achieve it ! There can be no denial about it ! Tell me Varalotti, At the time when you had dreamt of becoming a CA or writer, had your father cajoled you into dropping your desires to do something more mundane , would you have dropped your CA or Writing and become an engineer or doctor, to make your father happy ?? Tell me the truth, If you say YES, then later have regrets for not becoming a Writer or a CA, then you're no different than this guy and I will say your regrets too were meaningless...

When you went onto becoming a writer, am sure you were very much subjected to family obligations and commitments like any other person! you did not give up your worldly responsibles to realise your dreams. You took all efforts to balanced both your family and career and additionally your passions as well ! I respect you fully for whatever you're today Varalotti, but look at this man ? What has be done to make his dreams come true...absolutely NOTHING...He is not a puppet to dance to his father's tunes, he is very much flesh and blood with his own emotions and feelings. If he cannot fight for his emotions and rights, then for what he can fight in his life ? He has totally lost his individuality at the very beginning of his life, this person has lived someone's (shall I say his father's) identity throughout his life !

I still feel the father is more sensible than the son. From his view point, he was atleast clear his son should not become an artist, and he tactfully maneuvered such that the son fell for the bait ! but the son ?? he was hardly sensible to realise what he wants and what he doesn't want in life/career. Had you talked of his guy making an attempt and later on failed and went back to what was offered to him as an alternative, that would have been different ! (The worst reality is this guy didn't try painting even part-time, let alone desiring to be a fulltime painter) ! I can tell from my strong feelings that what this guy had for painting was not love or passion but meagre infatuation..His lamenting has no sense at all !

I can't sympathise with characters like these... (Am sorry about my feelings being so blunt, but I cannot help, this guy just annoys me for his mentality ) It's like blaming someone else for his faults , like his father for his failure, which is not true, as he knew he had no clear vision about himself nor his life and wanted a "nondi-saaku" to justify his inability to become a painter/artist...

Well, my bottomline is very clear- "How can one worry about not becoming Something in life, without taking any effort for it at all, for whatever reasons.."

With regard to the question posted to me, I need to think and tell you about the characters that I have known, who have left their lucrative jobs to make their dream come true...Right now I am unable to recollect any ! I shall think and get back to you soon.

Love,
Preethi