In general DD and I share a great bond, she comes to me with questions, fun stuff and everything. She doesn't take criticism that well, but then I am also like that. As she is getting older, what is a good way of communication nd maintaining the connection? Right now, I don't see her in the morning since I have to leave early for work. Evening, I spend exclusive 15-30 mins with her. I am home at 5, but i have a baby who needs a lot of attention. All of us spend all the time together after 5, and on weekends. She needs a lot private time now, but we try to spend sometime as family, but then it will all turn into us listening to H talking. He is the talker of the family. Often i have to tell him to keep quiet so DD can talk. Sometimes she gets offended too because of his talking taking over the family discussion. When H and I listen to DD, we get digressed because the topic is usually boring - but I try to pay attention as much as i can. - how can I be a better listener? - how can I encourage her to talk more and trust me? Any good questions to ask without annoying her. - Sometimes I feel she is too privileged, but I dont want to call her out. How can I gently give her a reality check? Thanks!
Angela, you start such thread when @anika987 's "Life Lessons" thread is keeping all occupied with the glitterati marking attendance... : ) That's the beautiful thing about girls in their preteen and early teen years. Late teen years too with a few qualifiers. No one, leave alone a kid, really takes criticism well. The chances are more that, since we grew up in India (I think you did too), and we are parents to kids who are American, our way of talking and providing feedback is not as "fine" as the American way of talking. One example: An Asian teacher will say in a letter to parents: "We require all students to wash their hands frequently, and before.. and after ... yada yada.." An American teacher will say the same thing as: "We encourage all students to practice safe hygiene by using the hand sanitizers provided at each workstation and by the door." Note the "require" versus "encourage." I will quote my younger one who once gave me one of the best feedbacks I have ever received -- "Don't make it into a project." You are already doing a good job. She got a solid number of years as an only child. There is no one way of maintaining communication. : ( You will keep reinventing the modes as the child gets closer to her phone, the internet and her friends. We have the opposite. I tried to create conversations. I cannot say what all I tried. It is pathetic. Let him be. You can't change how much people talk. Instead of telling him to keep quiet, try kind of interrupting him and asking DD a question. I know that feeling. You have to listen to a lot of boring and build up equity so that later when they have real stuff you want to know, they will come talk with you. This is actually simpler than we think. Number one: alerts on phone set to mute. Even if you are cooking, you can actively listen. When listening, pay real attention. Do not think ahead to what you will say. And, like someone said in another thread, conversations that happen in the car are also good ones as all are in one place but the parent's attention is also on the driving. No. : ) Even if there any good questions now, they will lose their "goodness" soon. The parenting books and articles say to ask "open ended" questions. That didn't work for me. What got my older one talking were topics from two books she got around her 10th b'day. One was: https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Book-Girls-Andrea-Buchanan/dp/0062208969 Not that it serves like a textbook. More like it gives rise to conversations that don't need questions. Another way is that you and your husband talk about your childhood, your early years in the U.S. or any parts of your lives that she would relate to. For questions or prompts, use any of the "write your memoir" books. They keep coming in Costco or check amazon. The prompts and the responses that start coming to your mind is an experience by itself. Last year, with the pandemic on and all at home, for one child's milestone b'day, the other child "interviewed" dad with some of the questions, each video about 2-4 minutes only, done over a few weekends. When we go on long drives, I sometimes put a memoir book in the pocket behind a seat. Makes for great questions to ask Mr. Taciturn. I myself have used those prompts to, ahem, write a memoir-book. Reading audience count: one. Will stay so on the request of that audience. : ) Maybe you can try this: as your younger one grows older by the month, talk about what your older one did at that age. Look at pictures from then. Talk about your apartment and your lives from then. Some big news events from then. Too privileged compared to? I have been down this train of thought. Our children are privileged because we give them that lifestyle. We give them that lifestyle because it gives us pleasure, satisfaction and other undefined feelings. I had once started a thread too: Children Should Experience Artificial Hardships? What we have realized is that our kids (means my and my H's kids) will not realize the value of money and what they have until they start earning themselves in their first fulltime job. They are decent kids, empathetic, well-behaved (at least to outsiders), responsible, etc etc.. but they simply don't get how privileged they are. And why should they? This is the only lifestyle they know. === Got carried away. Is a big week and weekend. H and I stood quietly by her door and watched our first born who today slept for 12 straight hours after an exhausting few days of exams and presentations. Like she had that fall day when she was a few weeks old, we had massaged her and given her a nice warm bath. She skipped waking up for two feed times. Pediatrician on the phone, much amused, told a worried us there were parents who would go down on their knees and pray for such a sleeping baby. : ) ETA: Good Lord. I notice after submit that it is a loooong post. Whatever ... I will blame it on the wine. : ) ETA more: when you read such accounts from other parents, just take a few points that might work for you. Don't go into a loop about what all you don't do. It is like FB updates -- doesn't give the full picture of people's lives ...
Hey @nuss @Srama not to plonk parenting questions on your in a long weekend as the school year winds down : ) but it would be great to read your thoughts on the questions posted by Angela.
Thanks @Rihana for the tag! @Angela123 I will return here when I have enough time to write an essay .
@Angela123- I agree it can be hard to be a good listener all the time. A few things (with the disclaimer that my older is 8): It is okay for her to not take criticism well (very few people do). However, try to watch your language when you criticize. We Indians are very straightforward in our criticism and our kids aren't used to that in school. For instance, instead of saying- this spelling is wrong- you might want to say, hmmm, is this correct? do you want to sound it out again? In my opinion, a good way of communication and maintaining connection is by being there. Talk to your child even if she doesn't talk much. Ask her about school. Instead of asking- how was school? Ask her- what was the best part of the school today? What fun things you did today? Involve her in cooking, shopping, etc. Ask for her opinion. Be mindful of interrupting your husband. You might want to tell him to let your daughter finish her story before he takes over. I understand that sometimes kids' talks can be a bit boring but try not to show that and let her finish her stories. Ask her questions when it starts to get boring. Show her that you are paying attention, that whatever she has to say is important to you. - how can I be a better listener? A better listener is an engaged listener. Ask her questions, tell her a related story if you have one (after she is done). Look up things together if she is telling you about something you don't know. Be there! It is also okay to tell your child that you are busy at the moment and will listen to her after you are done with....whatever you are doing! - how can I encourage her to talk more and trust me? Any good questions to ask without annoying her. My answer is the same for this as above! If she starts to get annoyed by your questions- laugh it out with her! Do stuff with her. Sometimes you don't have to say anything but doing things together means a lot. I sometimes set up a "spa" and give foot massages and paint nails with the kids. They love it. Sometimes we build Legos or color with numbers or paint by numbers--just the activities together so they know mom is here for us! - Sometimes I feel she is too privileged, but I dont want to call her out. How can I gently give her a reality check? I don't know what you mean by "too privileged". As a parent, we all do everything to provide the best life to our kids! I feel I was privileged to have supportive parents. I grew up on a farm. We didn't have any neighbors so I learned to be independent early on and enjoyed our many pets. My parents brought us kids magazines every month during their grocery trips to the city. That's how my love for reading begun. Most of us are privileged in one way or the other. My children are privileged because they have access to books/toys that many might not but at the end of the day they are well-behaved, respectful kids! That's all matters! Are you concerned about not learning the value for things/experiences you are providing her? You can always teach gratitude! Last year, we started a 3-minute gratitude journal! I bought it for all of us and we wrote every day (we still do). On New Year's eve, we read all the entries starting from April 2020 and had so much fun seeing what our kids have written (or drew in my daughter's case). I do not hesitate to say- "this is expensive and mommy can't buy it or we can't buy it today but we will talk about it and see if you still want it tomorrow". https://www.amazon.com/Minute-Grati...hvlocphy=&hvtargid=pla-4583520385848005&psc=1 I would like to hear more from you!
I am curious , what kind of talk is found boring. not patronizing , i found that interesting more than adult talk. mostly adult talk is about weather, travel, cooking and immigration ( lol in Visa ) . always facts. atleast i found interesting when my son keeps talking about robolox and his pokemon cards. infact i find it hard to make my daughter talk , she is high school and does not open her mouth except seeing her phone.
I will give you an example- my kid loves Martial Arts! He can talk all day about it but after some point, I don't feel as engaged in which kick combo is for what belt level even though I myself do Martial Arts. On the other hand, I am all ears when they talk about many other things-school, friends, birds, other animals, games...a hundred other things. We are all humans! Sometimes, I just need a little peace but kids want to talk about whatever they want to. Do I not listen? Of course, I do listen and ask questions but inside I want them to be quiet so I can just have a few moments for myself! I don't have experience with high schoolers but my little ones try to talk over each other most of the time.
This is where i need more work. I had a conversation with him recently on this. He is very understanding and said he will scale his conversation down and let her talk more. But he needs a lot of work as he is used to being the center of attention. Yes. I feel like she never hav to think about what is not there, and she expects things to be always good for her. A good example is - I cook for the week, that means we have food in fridge during the weekdays. And she knows if there is one dinner she doesn't like, she has an alternative. She never has to eat a dinner that she doesnt like. I could make all week dinners that she doesnt like, to teach her a lesson, but you know motherhood mellowness doesn't allow me to do that. Recently, she gets offended when I tell her to wait for her turn. This is also where I feel she is so privileged, she thinks she is entitled for my attention all day everyday especially after the baby came. She was a single child for 9 years. It gives me guilt too, not having as much as time I used to have with her. Or when she opens the pantry and finds no (her) snack on a grocery day, she says "Oh, didn't you get the groceries yet?". May be I am asking too much. Or providing too much? Also, peer pressure is coming into play these days. I am expecting it to go up as she gets to the preteen age. This is a great tip. I always wanted to do this. I will build this into our conversations. I understand. H and I talk a lot, all kinds of stuff. He is a natural talker and very good in steering the conversation into interesting. We don't have adult/kid conversation separately. we explain to DD the things we discuss whatever it is and let her join in. She tries to give her opinions and sometimes it is not the best. She slows us down, but we want her to be involved in all discussions. All kinds. I think it depends on my day. Lately I have been pinched for time. My kid could talk all day. She starts with "let me tell you my day in detail....."(cards she made for her teachers for no reason, drama between friends, and another hobby she picked up recently or the next hot glue item she made - are actually interesting, but some days I can't take it as this could go on and on). Most days I am all ears. Somedays, I also have a long day at office or not feeling that great because of other issues at home, I just want conversation to end or it is actually boring (like how many accessories for the Barbie's or things made with a 3D pen, or the one eye she drew and used the new blender pencil - just some examples). Once I had to sit through the village she made in Minecraft, it was whole hour, I felt really sleepy. May be it is my ignorance too. I am not knowledgeable of all things that she is working on.
Dear @Angela123 , You know you already have wonderful responses and you seem to be doing everything you can. I was wondering about your DDs age and I just read how old she is. It is a shift for her to welcome a newborn/baby into her life after being the center of attention for so long. Mine are grown up - college/high school but I will try to offer a couple of suggestions. They may be dated though ;-) @Rihana has too much confidence in me and she is so amazing herself with her voice here. You will be surprised if I mention how many kids at school mention that their parents are not interested in what they do or don't look at their work or recycle stuff without even a glance. For me, good places to bond have alwasy been - 1. books and 2. car As hard as it may be and even boring, what are you reading at school is a great conversation starter and you will hear quite a bit about school. Pay attention. May be you can do this even once a week. I fyou have time, some of the children's books are the best we as adults can read. The least you can do of course is if a movie is made and watch it together and listen to her complain about how bad the movie is compared to the book! Car rides bring the best out of children. Make sure you leave the baby with your husband and take her with you for your weekly grocery shopping or just shopping - it is amazinig how much kids can share then. As for food and privilege, instead of thinking that way, why don't you encourage her to say make a PBJ sandwich for her and you every now and then? Encouraging her would mean you are slowly making her independent and she will get to understand that perhaps you like what she does and may be motivated to do more. You could also be the parent who drives her to any of her activties and give your undiveded attention for pick up and drop off. If anything else comes up, will be sure to share.
not judging you or anyone at all . just looking for details. I agree listening to that all the time is not easy. I cannot do that either. it will be max of 20 mins a day. then i end up diverting him to play with friends, read or pretend that i do not know piano and ask him to teach me and he ends up practicing .
