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Taking care of my mom who is single now

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by cutesmile09, Feb 20, 2010.

  1. cutesmile09

    cutesmile09 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi ILites,

    First, let me congratulate you all, for your wonderful advises,keep up the good work:thumbsup.Today i would like to seek your advises on this forum.

    Little background:
    Iam happily married for 2yrs10mths,no kids yet,mine is a love cum arranged marriage,i lost my dad 5mths back,me&my bro stay abroad but luckily we got the opportunity to take care of my dad during his last days,I stayed with my mom for 3mths(Iam fortunate tht my dh&inlaws allowed me to stay) to support her both mentally&physically.Right now,my mom is living with my bro in USA.

    Coming to my problem,we r planning to r2i by end of 2011 and i would like to ask my mom to stay with us in our own flat as she can live with my bro in USA only for 6mths for one visit,even my mom doesnt want to visit USA frequently bcoz of her age & boredom,she says tht she wants to live alone at her own house,as she dont want to disturb our lives,but i really dont want her to do tht as she is already 62now.my dh is ok with my decision but iam really worried if my inlaws will raise any objections for this as they r going to stay with us.I really love my mom alot,she is the role model for me,she did alot for me and its only bcoz of my parents today iam in this position,i really dont want her to stay alone or send her to old age home.

    pls advise me on how to tackle this issue, without hurting my inlaws.
     
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  2. kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

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    If everybody is ok with this, she can stay with you. But I feel that she will never feel free enough with your DH and inlaws around. So best thing is take an apartment in the same building or nearby and look after her.That way she can retain her privacy and you can look after her. Staying together may give rise to problems later. Think about it. You have not stayed much with inlaws earlier and you dont know how it might turn out later.

    One of my relations also had the same situation. They are two daughters and she is the eldest. What she did was to take an apartment opposite hers where her mom stayed. That way they both could maintain their independence and also stay near each other.
     
  3. aruna_077

    aruna_077 Senior IL'ite

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    Thats a good idea by kma.... But I feel very bad for u.. I really und wat u r going thru...Why is it that u living wit ur PILs is taken for granted..and wen it cums to ur mom, so much of thinking?? weird and unfair world!!
    But there is nothing a woman cant do. If u can smartly handle ur dh, PILs then u can have ur mom at ur home..
    May peace prevail!!
     
  4. cutesmile09

    cutesmile09 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Kma for your suggestion, even my mom admitted the same,well the thought of making my mom staying alone burns my heart
     
  5. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    cutesmile
    atleast you have your brother to look after your mom
    in my case me being only kid i am with her its been some 7-8 months now
    like you said i cant imagine leeaving her alone in home and me staying somewhere else
    but my dh parents stay with us and my mil cant bear me enter kitchen or other bedroom at home or even for that matter hates me cooking or doing work on my own and including cofee or some fruits from fridge i have to take her approval
    when my dad was there my mom was very much free and i hate to put my mom in such a jail i dono what to do at this time but in mind i am firm and want to take care of mom no matter what
     
  6. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    You mentioned that the thought of your mom staying alone is what hurts you.... I just wanted to say... staying alone doesn't have to mean she sits in a rocking chair all day watching tv.

    I don't know what the options are like in India, but in the US retired people keep busy doing stuff that interests them. Like if your mom has an interest in personal fitness... you could encourage her to go to yoga class or something like that. If you think she is the shy type, offer to go with her until she makes friends in the class. In the U.S. lot of retired folks volunteer in hospitals or schools or even at animal shelters. Probably she has been busy her whole life taking care of you and your Dad... now that she has less responsibility, try to get her to follow her personal interests and develop her passions. If she lives close by to you, you two could try doing some activities together. It could be a lot of fun for both of you. If she has friends in the area, she could host a 'girls night in' and invite her lady friends over for dinner and a movie or something like that. To get that started, maybe you could help her host the first time at her house and get everyone invited.

    62 is not old... unless she needs constant medical care, I don't see why you'd have to think of sending her to an old age home.

    It's only been 5 months since the loss of your dad, so give your mom some time before suggesting any of these ideas, and implement slowly, at HER PACE. Good luck helping your mom out. :thumbsup
     
  7. pman16

    pman16 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Cutesmile,

    From your post, i gather that you have a loving hubby and good inlaws. First this is a plus point.

    Now coming to your mom, i was in a similar position and this is what i did when we r2i ed few years ago. My dad expired but my mom was still working at that time. Firstly I sold most of the heavy stuff she had like sofaset,dining table etc. My parents had stuff for a 3BR apt and after selling all the stuff, I shifted her into a single BR apt in the same apt where I stayed.

    In my case, even though inlaws stayed seperate and dh agreed her to move with us, I didnt want her to stay with us.I didnt want to confuse relations and create distance in my relationship with anybody. I too had a love-cum-arranged marriage and though it might sound strange enough, I love my hubby equally.

    This was the ideal arrangement. My mom didnt have interference from my guests.I used to give special dishes to her and she loved it too.

    From my experience, I understood that my mom didnt like to be a subject of pity or sympathy. She wanted to pay her own rent and needed her space. We had a local library and one guy used to come weekly to give books to her. We both used to go for morning walks together:thumbsupwhile kids stayed with hubby.Or when me/dh went out to movie, my mom was happy to babysit my kids. Also me/mom used to see lots of movies together. It was too much fun for all of us while caring for each other.

    Like ASG said, 62 is not old. Since you are far, you might feel like that but she should be fine.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2010
    Ansuya likes this.
  8. cutesmile09

    cutesmile09 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks pman16,asuitablegirl,lavii,aruna&kma for your valuable suggestions,


    pman16:your post is very encouraging,even my mom expressed the same feeling,surely i will take ur inputs..

    asuitablegirl:i always like your confidence&maturity levels..wonder how u acquired those at very young age..anyway thanx for stepping in,iam really not sure if at all she would be interested to attend yoga classes,but i knw she is very social & interested at religious&spiritual activities,so definitely i will encourage her to take active participation as she was doing before when my dad was alive...

    aruna:it may be bcoz In India we live in a society which is predominately dominated by men.

    Kma i will surely discuss the same with my mom..
     
  9. Renu1999

    Renu1999 Bronze IL'ite

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    sorry to hear that your father passed away. From my own experience even though our moms likes us so much they may not like our hubby and so they may find fault with them. so don't disclose your plan to anybody even your inlaws eventhough they are good. As soon as you moved to India make her stay in place near to you.
     
  10. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Cutesmile,

    That's great to hear that your mom is social and outgoing. I have heard from numerous sources and health magazines, that the extroverts live longer, healthier lives than introverts. Meaning as long as your mom surrounds herself with life, energy, and happiness... the better off she'll be. :thumbsup

    Sometimes though after the death of the 'love of our lives' (i.e. your mom's hubby, your dad), we can sink into our shells and become hollow of who we USED to be. So if you see that happening, step in and remind her of how much there is still left to live for in life. Also watch to make sure she isn't showing any signs of depression... that's common when something life changing like death of a spouse happens. But DEFINITELY you both can get through this together. Best of luck.
     

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