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tactic or strainght talk

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Bts, Feb 19, 2010.

  1. Bts

    Bts Junior IL'ite

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    hi ladies...

    I am in a fix over a issue and want ur advice . Last year my mom and my PIL went on a pilgrimage . In one of the places , they picked up sarees. Ie my PIL for their daughters and my mom for me and my SIL ( bro's wife) .
    But as an afterthought , my PIL asked my mom to give the saree she purchased to them as they did not buy anything for me .My mom had initially refused later gave in as she was cornered by my IL's and she wants to be goody with them all the time..

    Later on return , my mil changed the colours of the saree and gave me a dull colour ( against what my mum had selected). She also lavishly badmouthed my mum that she never bought anything for me and dh. I felt bad and confronted my mum. She told me whatever happened on a condition that i should never ask my PILs abt it.

    obviously i was really hurt by the actions of my il's and also my mum cos she cant tell the truth. Also another reason why i felt bad was , it was me solely organised the trip for IL's , convinced hubby about it . Paid for it.
    shoped for them to go and packed . I even prepared loads of snacks etc.. In the end they bought gifts in loads for their daughters only and never bothered to buy anything for me apart from this saree which they sneaked from my mum..

    I wanted to have a talk to them but DH left abroad then and i too left to join him. Now i am back to home town and my mil is asking me to wear it . Now again DH is not around.. I dont want to wear it as the look of it hurts me so much...

    Its not about a saree but how they treat me...
    Also even now whenever she wants to get some work done out of me , she speaks in third person language..Like she wants to pick up a blouse from tailor, she generally makes statments abt it and expects me to pick a cue and do the errand.. I used to be so earlier. Now i totally ignore such stts.. She cribs to FIL and her 2 daughters abt it. Now yesterday she even told my mum that no one does such work for her. and of course my mum in turn lectured me abt the virtues of helping old people.

    Pls suggest how i should be with IL's as DH is out of town for couple of months and i have to manage a peaceful life with these folks and also abt the saree...
     
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  2. pman16

    pman16 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dont ruin your peace of mind for the sake of saree. After knowing the truth, try to look at the positive side and be happy. I mean to say that your mom had selected a good saree for you and your inlaws swapped it for their daughter. It shows their mean mentality. Some people are like that and you can never change them. In the process of changing them, we should not end up changing ourselves.Just turn a deaf ear to her if you are not interested in doing something.

    Do your best when you have to and dont think of the consequences.I know it hurts to know the truth.If you confront them, they might pull your mom into this and say she instigated you to argue with them.

    From my experience, i have seen that a good relationship with hubby is what matters the most.Half the battle is won if you are able to achieve this. Develop a good bond with him even though he is away.Now that hes not here, dont get into any heated arguments and spoil your peace of mind. When i did this earlier (when hubby was out of town) i was branded as insecure and jealous of their happiness.

    It takes years to develop a good personality and takes just minutes/secs to destroy it.You have to live up to your hubby's expectations if you want to have a rosy life ahead. So,dear work on this and ignore the saree episode. Just think you donated a saree to the needy which will give you more peace.

    All the best.
     
  3. Priyalousi

    Priyalousi New IL'ite

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    Hello,

    I guess these are issues with every girl living with her Inlaws.

    Unfortunately we cant talk straight and say no as we have to live under same roof. The best thing is to solve the problems tactfully rather than cribbing and complaining to DH who will in any case defend them saying yes can't you do that small thing? Will you not do for your mom etc etc.

    1.)
    Acceptance - Accept that you are DIL and not daughter and lady is MIL and not your mother. In no case we will be treated equal to daughter or son and we will also never have same feeling towards her as we do have for our mom.

    Accept the fact that you will never get any gifts and even if you get it is usually something which is rejected by their dear daughters (dull and cheap dresses, old cosmetics which has expired etc). No doubt they will get good things for their daughter and expect you also to gift them . Other way when it is their daughter's turn to gift us; either they will 100 times make clear the cost of gift else they will simply tell you have everything what to gift you + cost of living have increased and they have too many expenses.

    2.)
    My MIL too xepects me to do such work like getting her clothes from tailor, getting SIL's clothes from tailor and many of her's or SIL's work. I do such things only if she tells directly me else I act as if I didnot hear it at all. Also when I do such things I make a point not do it very promplty. I make a point to enjoy those few hours of freedom away from home and usually return late with some excuses. I do some shopping, eat out etc.

    3.)
    Regarding the saree issue just leave it. I dont think you will get any peace discussing that. They will throw more dirt at us.
    Next time be careful in such dealing. Make a point that if PILS and parents meet; husband is there to witness else a lot of things about our parents are communicated effectively to husband. Husband belives their mom more than us.

    4.)
    When hubby is not at home I see to it that I spend little time with IL's. On working days office is best excuse. I usually spend little more time in office ,take a good long walk back home exploring new areas, shoping etc.

    Also on saturdays under pretext of office you can hang out or visit your parents place if they stay in same town else say you have office work and be logged on to computer.

    In all way when husband is not around keep communications with IL's minimum, be pleasant, dont react to any of their behaviour or comments and get engrossed in some work/hobby. They may be just looking for an opporunity to a make a mountain out of molehill.

    Just be yourself, be happy, and forget their act which hurt you cause if you ponder we will be losing peace.
     
  4. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Well when my MIL tells me that my parents dint do X or Y for me I really dont mind it... cos first of all they're my parents & they know whats best for me and more so because inlaws themselves dont do anything willingly for me.

    These cheap tricks are really sad when you come to know about the white lies they speak but will never let me ruin my peace cos I know she's habitual to it & make sure that both side of parents never do anything together.
     
  5. Mihisha

    Mihisha Senior IL'ite

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    Bts,

    1. Did you talk to DH about this whole issue?

    2. Why you did not fireback your monster-in-law when she was badmouthing your Mom?

    Whollymoly, if my MIL ever did this to my mom, I would eat her.
    Now that you have the dull saree, retunr it to MIL and tell her you dont wear such dull colors. Tell her to either to give back or buy the same color saree that your mom bought for you.

    Please dont plan trips again with ILs and Parents. ILs , invariably, try to bully / hurt parents and parents never tell us because they feel they want peace in their daughter's home. Last year, my parents visited ILs ( they stay in different States of india ), and my ILs told me parents that once me and DH have a kid, they would take that kid to them to rear them while I am working, Although my parents took this statement easy. I would have shown my fury if my ILs ever hint such thing in front of me,,, but I guess they cannot because they know I would fireback them and they want to hurt/pain me indirectly by saying bad stuff to my parents.

    So now, DH has clearly stated to FIL that while they call me parents , they should be careful in what they are talking beacause my dad has some heart issues....
     
  6. Bts

    Bts Junior IL'ite

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    Thanks gals.. as u all said, i can never ever argue or fight with her/ them.
    But i have learnt my lessons.. keep distance and act normal .. no talks..

    hubby dear understands .. also advices me to leave this matter as it is..
    if i make a matter out of this , so many past things will get discussed and it would be a never ending fight..

    Right now there are other things to be takencare of and so i have choose my battle..

    thanks a tonnee again
     

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