Sweet Nothings - No Warning Bells This Time!

Most Gracious ILites,

I really want to give you something to think on during this New Year weekend. One line that occurred in my overwhelmingly famous Gossip Thread was that the Gossip-mongers walk away with the crown. Why should that be? If Gossip is bad, why should Gossipers walk away happy? Is God’s system of justice flawed?

To be very frank with you, my list of clients contains some real saints and some bad sinners as well. But I have always found that dealing with the sinners has always been a pleasure; while it involves a lot of strain dealing with the saints.

By saints I mean very good, honest people, who are perfect and flawless. By sinners I mean people like me, those who have committed a lot of mistakes in their lives, and don’t hesitate to confess their weaknesses and those who see others failings with sympathy and understanding.

And again I have dealt with corrupt officials and clean ones. Dealing with Mr.Clean is okay on principles but practically it has always been an experience of harrassment. While Mr.Corrupt will go out of the way to make life simple for us.

By expressing these home truths I am not recommending that we should all become gossipers or sinners or be corrupted. But with the God-given intelligence we can find out what makes these people attractive compared to their better and cleaner counterparts.

And the one answer that is repeatedly coming to my mind is “sweet nothings.” Now, Ladies, please don’t let your imagination fly high. Don’t start thinking about your period of courtship when your husband or lover held your hands in the darkness of a star hotel restaurant and was talking about so many things for hours on end and at the end of it all you could never recollect what he talked about.

They are traditionally called sweet nothings – the meaningless, pointless conversation between lovers, which strengthens the bond of love between them. But I ascribe a wider meaning to the words, Sweet Nothings.

Let’s imagine you are standing at the <st1:city><st1lace>Madurai</st1lace></st1:city> bus station. And you see that a bus is about to leave for <st1:city><st1lace>Coimbatore</st1lace></st1:city>. You want to know its exact departure time. You see the conductor of the bus standing nearby. What will you do?

Some people go to him and ask him point blank as if the conductor is an information giving machine, “When does this bus leave?” The conductor might say “<st1:time minute="0" hour="18">6PM</st1:time>” as bluntly as possible and turn his face the other way.

There are others. They will go and stand near the conductor. And if possible let out a smile. And then make a general talk about the scorching sun or about some recent happenings in the city. And then in a friendly voice will plead, “Can you tell me when your bus is going to leave?”


Now you will see an enthusiastic human being in full action in that conductor. He will have a look at his watch and say in a conspirational whisper, “This will leave around <st1:time minute="0" hour="18">6 PM</st1:time>. But if you are in a hurry, I suggest you go to that bus which will leave at 545 PM.”

The second caller has just spent a few minutes extra. But what a huge difference it has made. And you know what did he do in that two minutes? He made that conductor feel that he was a real human being and that the caller was his friend. That is a greatest gift you can give to another person. And having received this kind of a gift the conductor responded like a real human being and more so like a genuine friend.

All these things are accomplished by the “sweet nothings” the second caller uttered about the sun or some incidents and the smile he flashed on his face.

Now the sinners, the gossipers and the corrupt people are very adept in their sweet nothings skills, because they have to convince the other person to part with some information, money or some favours. Whereas the straightforward person thinks high of himself and assumes that the conductor has been appointed to serve him exclusively and asks in a derogatory tone and in the end makes fool of himself.

I have had a good experience counselling the honest people. I had to tell them repeatedly that mere honesty is not enough. I insist that the more honest you are the sweeter you should be. Otherwise you will end up as an arrogant fool and will have nothing to show, but for your rough and crude honesty.

Being honest or upright does not give us the right to be rude to others. This is the basic lesson in life I have understood over all these years.
Contd......

 

Sweet Nothings II

Now you think that “sweet nothings” apply only to strangers like bus conductors when you ask for some favours. No, not at all. Sweet nothings have a tremendous role to play in the most intimate of relationships. When you want to ask something of your husband, eventhough it might be his duty to give that, and your right to receive that, if you lace your request with sweet nothings, your husband will simply melt and overwhelm you with much more than you asked for.
Sweet nothings come particularly handy when you talk to your in-laws or similar relationships involving complexity and difficulty.

I was once assigned a tax-case with a tough Assessing Officer, noted as much for his brutal honesty as for his lack of courtesy. When I entered his room I remembered his allergy to perfumes. My first sentence was “Let me assure you that I don’t have any perfume about me.”

He smiled. Then I started discussing his allergy problem as if he were my family member. He was so moved that we were talking for hours on end. Then I reminded him that many accountants are waiting outside and that we need to see the tax case. He told me, “Sridhar, you have seen it right? Ok, I accept your words. I am closing the case.”

Then he started talking for another half an hour before I could walk out.
Some of my colleagues teased me that what I did was “crow-catching” or “buttering up.” But I never thought like that. I did not make any false statements before him. I just proved to him that I was genuinely interested in him as a human being and not merely as a person filling in some official position.

Once a client shouted at me for some problems in billing. I had had a talk with his PA earlier and knew that he was in some serious trouble that day. Instead of shouting back at him, I told him that I understood his problems fully well and did not mind my bill being delayed till he solved his problems. And that I was ready to help him out in that also.

There was a sudden change in the client. He thought that I will shout back. He could never believe his eyes. You know what he did? He shook hands with me and then called his Accountant to prepare a cheque for whatever bill I have raised. He told me that we can discuss the bill later. I was moved and walked out assuring him that I will pray for the solution of his problems.

What I did was not flattery. Nor was it falsehood. Instead of responding to his surface reaction I went deep and found out the real problem and talked about that. His problem was so complex and not related to me, and there was no way I could help him solve it. So what I said in effect was only a sweet nothing. But at times we as human beings do badly need these kind of sweet nothings, to reassure us that we are still loved. And once you give that kind of assurance to another human being she will be willing to lay down her life for you.

I also take this opportunity to wish all the ILites and their near and dear a very happy and a prosperous new year.


regards,
Varalotti

 

I misseed you, Pallavi!

Dear Pallavi,

Yours was the first post of reassurance that I did something right and gave something that was needed. You know the mind of a writer. After having written the story or a book, he or she feels like having delivered a baby. And the first friend or relative who sees the baby and tells the mother, "Wow, what a beautiful child" or something like that, then the writer at that very moment would forget the proverbially intensive birth pangs and would let out a complacent smile.

There are writers who have a formidable style and an even more formidable vocabulary, but always in search of something to say with those powerful tools. With me it is the other way round. The power of what I want to say shapes my style and my vocabulary. So if the style is bad, so is the substance.

Thanks a lot for your kind new year wishes and am pleased to reciprocate the same.
While on this Pallavi that you just read Ambika's poetic welcome to the new year published in today's Deccan Herald. I posted the poem here in IL. Please use the following link

http://www.indusladies.com<wbr>/forums/showthread.php?p=31043<wbr>#post31043

regards,
sridhar

 

This is also romance, Varloo!

Varloo,
What I posted is also romance. But here the romancing is with the rest of the world, with all the people with whom we have to deal in our day-to-day lives.
You want a really rosy story (read naughty story), then wait for a few weeks. I will search for a good one that does not flout the Forum Etiquetter and post it.

Wish you, your husband, and Arvind and every one there a very happy and a prosperous new year, 2007.
regards,
sridhar