Surprised...and a little upset

janaki25 · May 8, 2012

Hello ladies

Let me recount an incident which happened just today morning leaving me a bit upset. My DS has a 'best friend' in school. Lets cal him H. A few days back, it was H's birthday to which his mom very graciously invited my son and gave me the option of attending as well. She talked very nicely and on the phone and was very pleasant even when we spoke later when I was dropping my son off for the party.

She usually doesnt come to drop her kids off to school , some other kids parent does.But today she came to drop H off and we literally came face to face. So to my utter amazement, when I said hello to her she didnt respond at all but just stared at me as if she has never seen me before. It was soo embaressing for me. Of course even I didnt look at her after that. Though this is not a very big deal and all, still I am a little upset about this at her delibrate behaviour.

This is not the only incident. A few weeks back, I saw a mom who's kid is in the same class, but a different section taking a walk with her son just outside my house where I was supervising my son who was playing. Seeing that we live in the same apartments, I just said a casual Hi to her and made some other casual talk. Immediately I sensed her reluctance to talk to me so I didnt make any further conversation. The next day at school she didnt care to say hello so neither did I. But what I felt a little bad about is she leterally appraoches the other parents to talk to them and laughs with them etc, but very purposefully ignores me. I am the only Indian parent there and my son is the only Indian in his class.

I am a very friendly person and like to be cordial to others. But I am observing tis kind of behavior a lot now-a-days. The next week I am going to join work and I have never worked in the US before. So my question is, am I to expect this kind of ostracisation in my workplace too. ( I am not in the IT field so I know there will be no Indians in my worplace). And should I also not acknowledge any other person keep a serious face all the time?I am really confused .Please advice.

veeramachaneni · May 9, 2012

Hi Janaki - I am so sorry that you had such a bad experience. I think you are better off with out them. Congratulations on your new Job. I am sure that people at work will be more nice with you. Because they have to spend most of their days with you.

My friend had the similar experiences with her son and classmates bullying him calling him poopy skinned because he is the only brown kid in that class. She had to fight with school officials to correct it. Sometimes you have to be strong.

janaki25 · May 9, 2012

Hi Veera,
Thanks for your reply. Like you said I hope people in the workplace will be different or I will have to change myself a bit I guess.
What happenned to your friends son is simply awful! Kids can be soo mean sometimes. Your friends son would have been so hurt Kudos to your friend for fighting with the school officials to stop this nonsense behaviour!

Flyhighbluesky · May 9, 2012

I'd just ask you to be entirely yourself! you know how people stare and pass comments at foreigners back home!!! Its just a weird norm!.. mentally prepare yourself for some more let-down, And go ahead and be ever courteous and friendly! and once they see the person in you beneath the nationality you are, they will come around Chillax!

ZenSojourner · May 9, 2012

There is still a lot of prejudice in this country, even though it did used to be a lot worse. But same exists in India and every other country to one extent or another, it's just aimed at different people. I've been stared at just about as often on the street in Vijayawada as in parts of USA - sometimes you just can't win for losing, it seems. I think it got better and then it got worse again after 9/11. I couldn't believe some of the things I heard people say after 9/11. I was terrified to let my son travel on a plane after that and made his dad drive 3 states to meet me halfway for visits - not afraid of terrorists, afraid of Americans.

When my son graduated from high school he got voted "most likely to accidentally be shot at the mall as a terrorist" - they meant it as a joke but when you're getting profiled at the airport it's not quite so funny. My son got searched 3 times last year when he flew out of a southern airport - twice within 5 minutes by the same guy. He's 27 now and it actually doesn't seem to bother him.

I think you will have better experiences at work because people will have the chance to get to know you.

Also, I've actually never socialized with other parents at any of my son's schools, not even when he was in high school and I was on speaking terms with a few of them. Maybe it's just me but I've actually never expected to do so, so it may actually not be anything that's personally aimed at you, it's just the way modern schools and families are. I don't think anyone ever went out of their way to talk to me and neither did I, and I never noticed it or thought anything about it because I never expected it. Most of our socializing was done with people from work. I think that's the "normal" way here - especially with so many 2 income families. Its possible you just may have different expectations than what passes for the "norm" in your area.

janaki25 · May 9, 2012

Thanks Jelin for your reply. I really dont think that anyone would come around and be any different in the future as we have been around each other for several months already. Also it doesnt take much to smile or be courteous , so if someone is bent on keeping a grim face while the other person smiles, I dont think they plan on changing that.
Anyway, I guess I should chillax and stop thinking about this and concentrate on more important things.

janaki25 · May 9, 2012

ZebSojourner,
Thanks for your response. I am really saddened by what all your son had to go through. I am glad that he isnt bothered by these things anymore. But still I wish these things didnt happen.The fact that he had been voted that title is really atrocious. Might have been funny to his classmates, but definitely doesnt sound funny to me.

You are right about the fact that prejudice in this country still exists, especially in the area where I stay. I was expecting people to be courteous to me as they were all being nice to each other. Dindnt expect that they would alienate me that way. Also I never expected anything more than a hello or goodmorning. Somehow, its too difficult for these people to utter these simple words I guess.
Anyway, I am not going to make a fool of myself ever again, and will stop my attempts to wish anyone. That way,I wont give anyone else a chance to be rude to me in the first place.

Anikha · May 9, 2012

Hello Janaki,

Congrats on your job...
Let me share my thoughts ...on being cordial VS hostile ....
I have been in this country for 15 years .....
I lived in India for 28 years in two spans ....
I have encountered both type of people in every walk of life , not just at my kids' school...

They exist in neighborhood, among relatives , classmates , colleagues, in a subway , in a flight every where...

Hostile people are every where ... not just among desis ......

Whites against whites ( Britain Vs U.S.) ( Yugoslavia break up) ...
Blacks against blacks ...( Rwanda )
Pakistani VS Bangladesh ( we 3 belonged to one country earlier)
India VS Pakistan
Mexicans killing Mexicans

You will encounter all type of psychologies at work also...
some colleagues are deliberately non co-operative ..
Some colleagues are extra nice ...

I had a white boss who was very rude , screaming my name , even when I was not at fault ....
A middle eastern colleague who had guts, reminded her , not to scream .....

I had couple of our very own female Indian colleagues who were very non-cooperative in terms of work....
An other male desi colleague, who was very nice ....

My daughter was asked by some white classmates , whether she knew how she was born ....
My daughter was like 8 years old, we just landed in this country , it was her first school in California ...
That girls told her ,she was born because your mom , dad slept naked ( so much knowledge at 8) ....

She was also asked by that girls , is she was gay ?
My daughter didn't even know meaning of gay at that age , she came home she asked me ...
Now , my daughter is grown up kid, she thinks , that white girl was funny , she didn't even know , if girls are home sexual , they are called lesbians ..not gays ....

My son was beaten by his white classmates ..he was 6 then ...
He was also humiliated by a Punjabi American Indian kid , another time a FIJI Indian boy who punched him int he groin area , I had to take him to ER ....

I thought regardless of race , young kids are outrageous in this country....
Now , if we go to India , those kids are no better , thanks to electronic media ....

Just be prepared to face all types at your work place , do not voice any thing personal , or racial issues ....

janaki25 · May 9, 2012

Hello Anikha ,
Thanks for your response. Like you said, hostile people can be found everywhere. Instead of taking this incident personally, I am just going to shrug it off and lower my expectations from others.

When it comes to kids facing mean classmates, it somehow becomes unbearable to me and I get very upset. The incidences you have cited about what your children have faced saddens me a lot. It is true that kids everywhere must be facing something similar to some extent, but it still hurts us that we are unable to toally protect them from all this.
Your son getting beaten up by others is soo outrageous. I hope the kids who did these things to him faced proper consequences!

When my son was 3 yrs old, I had taken him to the park one day where a grown up boy went on calling him ' hey chocolate' over and over in a deregatory way. My son of course was too young to understand but I was seething with anger. The worst part was the dad of the boy was watching all this and keeping quite. I simply removed myself from the situation.

A couple of other incidences have happened since he joined kindergarden and I make sure that if it is serious enough, I tell the teacher about it to control the situation. But I know there is only so much I can do to protect my child and maybe eventually he will learn to deal with things himself.

As for me, I will just accept the fact that some people are narrow minded and will judge me just by appearance and distance themselves from me, and I would be better off without talking to such people too.

So thanks again for your reply and advice and blessing to your kids

Anikha · May 10, 2012

Thank You very much Janaki for your blessings...

I did complain the school principal when the girls were harassing my daughter with inappropriate questions..

I was new to this country & culture , there were very few desi population in that first town we landed ...

So , when I went to complain , I cried , I couldn't finish my sentence...
I told her , it was so embarrassing for me to hear that bed room talk from my 8 year old...

The principal said , she will talk to that group of girls...
Actually , she called their parents to inform about the apology letter she was going to make their kids write to me .......
She made sure , my daughter was never teased again...
Till , this day , those sad memories haunt me and my daughter...

Coming to my son , he never told me that couple of kids are abusing him at school play ground ...
Until , one day , his class teacher came to me ( I was waiting to pick him up) to tell that he is going to call
that kids parents ....to notify ....

That Fiji Indian kid used to live in our complex , I found out that his dad left his mom ,
she was a single parent, what can we expect , I didn't had the heart to go complain her ....

I told my son to stay away from that kid, and used tag along while he was out doors...

When , we moved back to India for few years , our children were scrutinized for not being so talkative.......
They were being cautious , they didn't want to brag much about America ,
which is not appropriate in India .....

If they talk about the schools or any thing about U.S. , they don't like it .... they say , India is great , America can not survive with out Indian intellectual workforce....

What ever is your past , you talk that right , it could be U.S. or Canada or Dubai ?

So, my kids are scrutinized in both countries , for being brown in U.S. , for being NRI in India .....

My daughter used to say , I wonder amma, where do we belong ? I am being treated as Indian in U.S. ,
I am looked as a western brain washed in India....

Now , she is more mature , almost out of teenage ...she knows that she is Indian American ....she is ok with both prefix and suffix titles.....