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Superior FIL how to handle?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Renu1999, Dec 29, 2009.

  1. Renu1999

    Renu1999 Bronze IL'ite

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    I hate my FIL like anything. From day one of our marriage he is always we have boys and boys parents should be treated like this and that. I would even tolerate my MIL but my FIl I cannot handle.
    He interferes in all matters like anything. My husband keeps quite like anything and he always wants to avoid trouble so he keeps quite. even if he has some opinion he will just keep shut. and My FIL is in his 70's . He lived his all his life like this dominating others. everyone says it is so hard to change him. but they are friends and family they meet with him once in a while and they digest him.
    For me since he is our close realtive :bonk I find it very hard to face him. if we talk for 2 sentence immediately we will end up in fighting. How to handle this person.
    few ex of what he does .
    Ladies should never sit and talk infornt of other men (old/middle age it doesnt matter) if somebody comes to his house he wants me to keep my mouth quite and go to kitchen and serve some thing (coffee/tea/snacks ) to them. and even if I stand before them he doesnt want me to talk.
    he tells my mom and dad should never give suggestion. even if they open mouth he says we know you are girls parents you should never talk.. we will decide (he voluntarily involves himself as our family)...
    ANd all big decisions like big purchase he will come and stand first he says he will decide he is experienced. he knows everything and his son doesnt know anything. If I open my mouth he will cancel all our plans and my husband as usual wants to avoid all problem :bowdown and he has nothing else in his mind.

    and the list goes on and on.
    I write this because he dominated us so much recently and I sometimes wonder when will we have freedom from this person in our life. Is there going to be any freedom from this person before I die.
    how to handle this person and bcoz of lots of interference I talked back to him like anything twice and nothing changed but everybody says I am bad thats it.
    how to handle him in a clever way???
     
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  2. rosary

    rosary Gold IL'ite

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    how does your MIL behave infront of him ?


    i know its really difficult to get along with a FIL like this ...
    but as you said he is in his 70 s so anyone can imagine how such a person could be ( no generalisations meant ) .

    i think instead of shouting at him , its better to keep quite and watch ....... every son is like this in the begnning , slowly they learn how to be responsible .

    if you shout at your FIL , you will lose your husband s trust too.

    how long have you been married?
    do your parents in law stay with you ?
     
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2009
  3. Renu1999

    Renu1999 Bronze IL'ite

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    I am married for 7 years now. I don't stay with them. but they visit me every now and then. and if I go to India I should compulsorily stay with them for 65% of the time
     
  4. Renu1999

    Renu1999 Bronze IL'ite

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    how does your MIL behave infront of him ?
    she complains about him at his back. In front of him she always supports him.:hide:
     
  5. rosary

    rosary Gold IL'ite

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    this is what you too should try .......

    how much can he interfere in your lives when he is not staying permanently with you....
    you should talk to your husband and reduce the frequency of their visits .
    that might reduce lot of problems .

    if your husband is not totally dependent on his parents for all his decisions , then i think you should let everything go ...... just dont care ....
    definitely he would be experienced than anyone in the family..... does he purchase things on his name with his sons money ...... does he play foul game in money matters ? if not then let him decide the right for you.


    if he is really intolerable.....
    any decisions or plans you make dont involve him in it ..... eg money matters or buying things etc .

    if he doesnt like ladies coming out of the kitchen and talking to males , then you should restrain from doing so , infront of him .... even other ladies in the house would be like that .....what he is demanding is little respect from you ......


    i
     
  6. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Renu.. My FIL has many such qualities as urs.. however for me my MIL is a bigger pain anyday. I was already used to my grandpa who was a retired army officer & my FIL tho not from army but behaves like one.. so to a certain extent I knew to handle him.
    He never allowed my DH to get his frndz home, to buy things of his choice, dint allow him to pursue education of his choice, never allowed him to touch their car (funnily MIL, SIL & FIL used to drive the car & claim that my DH cant drive.. . anyhow with so many ultimate dominating personalities even Shumacher wouldn't have been able to drive). Anyhow once I got the car in I made sure that only he drives it & is now quite comfy... I guess its all abu practise & pressure tactics.

    I tolerated similar directives from him until my MIL started directing her queries / sarcasms via my FIL & after her several failed attempts to know my sal finally my FIL insisted that I disclose it to him... for which I told him.. I really dont like discussing my salary with anyone cos I dont expect others to share their incomes & sources with me.... that was the last day he directly talked to me... its nice 3 yrs of peace with his hitler ways. Until then I'd simply noded my head to whatever he said. Now we dont even share a room/ dining table.. either he moves out or I do... but yes I do tch his feet & really respect him for being at this distance to me.

    Even my MIL does:
    complains about him at his back. In front of him she always supports him.
    Given her fine vocablury I guess a goon will also need a cover once they hear her getting vocal abu ppl she hates.............
     
  7. sophisticated

    sophisticated New IL'ite

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    Renu, You say he is 70 , is he in good health? if he is bad luck if he isn't take a chill pill :coffee. do you have a job, keep yourself busy , it is not easy but it is best solution, let him take the decission less tension for you.

    My FIl always says we are the boys side,we are superior. Only once i replied saying my mom told me boys and girls are conceived exactly the same way and come out the exactly the same way too, so there can be no superior or inferior and she has experience because she has a boy and a girl. He had more abuse for me i just walked away.
     
  8. shivachoubey

    shivachoubey IL Hall of Fame

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    Hey Shilpa, I really really appreciate your guts. Good going girl. I think no one absolutely no one has the right to dominate your freedom. People just can't say that they are old and then make you suffer royally. It is best to always stand up and speak your mind, politely but firmly. Be aware of your basic rights as a human being and just don't let someone else cross the boundaries.

    You have just one life and it should be stress less and happy. Not even for second should someone else be allowed to make you feel miserable. And if he is making you feel that way then instead of fighting take firm steps. Like if someone comes, go to the kitchen, make coffee/tea and then come back with drinks and start the conversation. Make sure you are there with the visitors all the time. It might create a scene few times but he will get the message for sure.

    regards

    :coffeeShiva
     
  9. Renu1999

    Renu1999 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi shilpa ma,
    """"He never allowed my DH to buy things of his choice, dint allow him to pursue education of his choic""""

    this is 100% true with my husbands case.
    He is in his 70's and in very good healthy condition. he says he will everything for us till my son's marriage. I wonder will I ever get a chance to do anything in my life. He named my son (strictly said I have to give this name to my son). which I still dont like. I wouldnt tolerate this anymore
     
  10. glascobaby

    glascobaby Silver IL'ite

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    :rotflhiiiiii renu.....

    you are not left alone. Count me also. I have also got a typical FIL.

    I know their family for years as its a love marriage, but being a friend for some time and entering as a daughter-in-law showed me the true colors of persons.

    My MIL and everyone in the family is very sweet, but everyone as you say, they talk bad abt my FIL at back, and supports a lot in front of him for small things to big thing.

    Was blessed with lot of patience to handle my FIL, he is dependent on his 2 sons, so whatever quarrels pops in, he will react worst on that moment and will pretend as if he is sooooo good and DILS are bad.

    I could understand my MILS and hubby position very well and their love, care towards my FIL. For some 1 and half year, we were living as a joint family, its really a worst time for me because of my FIL poking in each and every thing. And talks very bad abt his another daughter in law, who stays permanently in mumbai from the day of 1 of her marraige.

    He has some property in his name, I could understand with that sake, he just rules and demoniates my MIL and family members as if we are like toys.

    My problem is like:
    1. Being a love marraige, my hubby loves me a lot more than any of his family members. (Obviously, FIL thinks or will say like "pondati pinnade poran paru" (he has said this for another son),but really thanking god...my hubby wont bother abt his words)....

    2.Both the sons went with the choice of love marraige and we daughter in laws are not ready to follow their customs for any celebrations.
    (So, I willnt wait for my FIL to complete the pooja custom because i have to starve for the food until he comes, and he will purposefully will come around 2pm-4pm!!!!!)

    3.My hubby always presents me some gifts now and then,and if the gift is too costly, my FIL reacts as like you must have informed me, and you mustve taken me with you to purchase this. You are not giving proper respect before your wife. Such talks went on, and at some point of time, i really felt i am loosing my wonderful life with my hubby and spoiling our each and every day with some silly and petty things cuz of him. I really wish to make a full stop and we seriously discussed, and i have quarreled with my FIL, (I know, no DIL gets respect, in quarrels). And he finally said from his mouth, we dont consider our DILS as a family member, you are jus like that in our home.

    This really made me so sad n depressed cuz, i luved my hubbys family (whatever happened) and my MIL a lot, and one of my hubbys dream is to take care of his mom in her last days with so much of comfort, thats why he will stay calm whatever his father spits on about anyone around. And i know personally how mach my MIL suffered to bring up their kids, and I know well, my MIL and his Elder Brother played a major role in my hubbys growth and later on i am proud to say that, I have also played a major role in my hubbys growth, so I could understand he(my DH) suffers like an ant and meanwhile i dont want to be in the place, where i am not even considered as a family member. So i have asked my hubby, we will go as separate and I am feeling so sad that i am taking you from your mom, or else you stay here with your mom and put me somewhere nearby in rental house and you jus try to make lil visits whenever possible in weekdays.

    He stubbornly said, NO i willnt leave you, I am feeling sad to leave my mom, but as you wish, we will go as separate. We came out separately now. Really all these 6 months, our life is quite, calm and cool...except we are missing our MIL and planning how to get her back!!!....(We jus stay nearby area only, so my MIL is happy abt that).

    My next worry is also started: :rotflI am pregnant and soon when I come back with my baby, my MIL will make frequent visit to help me out and to be with the baby. ( I am really feel happy abt it, but free edition my FIL will also accompany to pretend as if he has so much care on US, and will start his work again).....Praying to god!!! gimme lot of patience....:biglaugh
     

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